Your Esteemed Self

"If someone close to you were grieving over a failure, would you call them a dolt and write them off, or would you console them?" Inevitably the answer is the latter.

Why indeed? Why do we fail to give ourselves the love, consideration and respect that we offer others? Why is it so hard to conquer unto ourselves?

The answer lies in that contentious issue: self-esteem

put self-esteem above basic survival needs such as food, shelter and clothing. The level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of our existence—how we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we are likely to achieve."

"Total self-love and acceptance is the only foundation for happiness and the love of others. Without total self-love and acceptance, we are doomed to the enervating task of creating false selves."

Self-acceptance, self-love, a positive self-image, the freedom to be ourselves; all these are crucial aspects of self-esteem. Whether seen from the ultimate perspective of spirituality, which exhorts us to be our true self, or from the more modest psychological imperative to develop a positive self-image, the struggle towards self-esteem is everyman's journey.

Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence and cooperation. Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, an overly compliant or controlling behavior, and fear or hostility towards others."

Self-esteem becomes a wide-ranging term for it is intimately connected with our relationship with our selves. That relationship determines everything about our lives. Every problem that we have—relationships, health, money or work—is ultimately caused by inadequate self-esteem.

one common denominator in all neurotic problems. He sees them either as direct expression of or a defense against inadequate self-esteem. Yet the subject has not received the kind of attention that it deserves. Unless our self-esteem plummets to the extent that we can no longer handle our lives effectively, we are content to leave it alone. The reason is that few of us are really conscious of its wide-ranging impact on our lives.

From the spiritual perspective, one is free of self-esteem problems only when one transcends the ego. Paradoxically, we need to develop a healthy ego before we can transcend it. Psychologists agree that low self-esteem is related to weak ego boundaries.

"An ego boundary is internal strength by which a person guards her inner space. Without boundaries a person has no protection. A strong boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the inside. A weak ego boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the outside."

"Ego problems arise from low self-esteem. Egoistic people are insecure about themselves." Hence, only one with a healthy self-esteem is qualified for spiritual evolution.

So how do psychologists define self-esteem? There is no single definition "Self-esteem is the disposition of experiencing oneself as competent in coping with the basic challenges of life and as being worthy of happiness." There are two components ,

The first he calls self-efficacy: "Confidence in the functioning of my mind, in my ability to think, understand, learn, choose, and make decisions; confidence in my ability to understand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of my interests and needs; self-trust, self-reliance."

The second is self-respect: "Self-respect means assurance of my value; an affirmative attitude towards my right to live and be happy; comfort in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants and needs; the feeling that joy and fulfillment are my natural birthright."

 these two factors are subdivided into six components:

• Living consciously: This is an active mind rather than a passive one, being in the moment, with a concern to know external and internal reality. Says he: "To live consciously means to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values and goals to the best of our ability and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know."

• Self-acceptance: This means accepting all feelings, thoughts and acts and being compassionate towards oneself. "Self-acceptance entails our willingness to experience—that is, to make real to ourselves without denial or evasion—that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are what we are."

• Self-responsibility: This includes being responsible for the achievement of desires, for the level of consciousness; our behavior with other people; for prioritizing time and for personal happiness. "In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist merely for satisfying our needs."

• Self-assertiveness: It is your right to exist as you are. It is the acceptance that your life does not belong to others and that you are not here to live up to someone else's expectations.

• Purposeful living: "To live purposefully is to use our power for the attainment of goals we have selected; the goal of studying, of raising a family, of earning a living," says Branden.

• Personal integrity: "When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match, we have integrity."

"A person with high self-esteem is happier, more serene and accepts failure. She or he is also more truthful and compassionate."  Though it is commonly believed that people with low self-esteem are the eternal wallflowers of life, they can just as easily be flamboyant and attention grabbing.

: "Those looking to be the center of attention actually have rock-bottom self-esteem. When your self-esteem is high, you don't need to prove anything. You can accept yourself."

Even high achievers often fuel their actions by the need to earn society's approval.

Feeling flawed and defective on the inside, I had to prove I was okay by being exceptional on the outside. Everything I did was based on getting authenticated on the outside." As long as our actions are based on getting approval from the outside world, our self-esteem is not whole.

: "Children need mirroring and echoing from their primary caretaker. Mirroring means that someone is there for them and reflects who they really are at any given moment of time. In the first three years each of us needs to be admired and taken seriously."

"Even the loving messages we get can be mixed with negativity. A child going to school is told, 'Be very careful; don't do anything on your own, always check with the teacher.' The implication is that the world is a dangerous place and that you are not capable of doing anything on your own."

"Right from the time a child is born, he is invaded and bombarded by other people's feelings and concepts. Consequently, he doesn't know who he is."

"Because we experience ourselves as flawed and defective, we cannot look at ourselves without pain. Therefore we must create a false self. The Jungians call it the 'Persona'. Others call it the 'Adopted Child'. It is crucial to see that the false self may be as much a polar opposite as a super achieving perfectionist or an addict in an alley. Both are driven to cover up their deep sense of self-rupture, the hole in their heart."

The obliteration of the authentic self is the defense mechanism most of us use in order to earn external love and esteem, though at a high cost to ourselves "The real us came into the world absolutely open. But the urge to avoid being hurt at any cost drives us to ignore our intuition and listen instead to the society's voice that tells us what to do and what not to do, and which keeps judging us." Bradshaw estimates that there are 25,000 hours of internal voice tapes in our minds that keep carrying on a monologue.

According to some experts, low self-esteem is rampant today.

"Psychology's intervention helps you to sort out impulses. It enables you to discard ineffective ways of doing and to see things in a new perspective. For example, in the case of a person who has a problem controlling his temper, we would analyze what made him lose his temper, when, where and in what circumstances. This would help him distance himself from his feeling and see it objectively. A counselor helps sort out feelings."

"First, we need to decide that self-esteem and our happiness matter more than short-term pain. We take baby steps at being more conscious, self-accepting, responsible. We notice that when we do this we like ourselves more. This inspires us to push on and attempt to go further. We become more truthful, with others and ourselves. Self-esteem rises. We feel a little tougher, a little more resourceful…we are building the spiritual equivalent of a muscle."

HOW TO BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM
It's a long and rocky road to recovery of total self-esteem. However, if you are determined, nothing is impossible. There are different aspects to recovering your self-esteem. You have to learn to go within yourself and become aware of your feelings, thoughts and deeds, then accept them. Give fresh commands to your internal monitor that you are whole and perfect. Learn to become self-assertive, to deactivate the voices within your head that tell you how to run your life, to love yourself unconditionally. No matter what it takes, keep going at it. One fine day, you will find that all your internal discomforts have disappeared and the new you, innocent, beautiful and unscarred, waits to taste life afresh.

To improve self-esteem, suggests a technique called Sentence Completion, which you can use with the six pillars of self-esteem. The technique is based on the premise that all of us have more knowledge than we are normally aware of, more wisdom than we use, more potential than we reveal in our behavior. The technique basically consists of creating an incomplete sentence and writing six different endings to it as rapidly as possible.

Assume we are dealing with the first pillar—conscious living. Now, first thing in the morning, before proceeding to the day's business, sit down calmly to write the following:

Living consciously to me means… write six endings to this as quickly as possible. Go on to the following:

• If I bring 5 per cent more awareness to my activities today…
• If I pay 5 per cent more awareness to my most important relationships…
• If I pay more attention to how I deal with people today…

At the end of the day do six to ten endings each for the following:

• When I reflect on how I would feel if I lived more consciously…
• When I reflect what happens when I bring 5 per cent more awareness to my activities…
• When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 per cent more awareness to my most important relationships…

Do this exercise every day of the week from Monday to Friday. There will be many repetitions but new endings will also occur. At the end of the week write a minimum of six endings for this stem:

• If any of what I wrote this week is true, it would be helpful if I…

"Try to empty your mind of expectations. Do the exercises, go about your day's activities and notice any differences in how you feel or how you operate. You will find that you have set in motion forces that virtually make it impossible to avoid operating more consciously
Good luck and good self-esteem.