I Lost a Friend to Suicide

Unlike many other suicide stories I've heard, Marion's was a little different. She may have always had certain anxiety issues, but she was a highly functional stay at home mom who had a huge social network. She had worked in Silicon Valley for years before she had her boys, and had been very successful. In fact, last fall both her boys entered elementary school, and she was planning to go back to work.

Her initial depression was triggered by bad investments, coupled with the whole economic crisis. Yet, her family wasn't broke. It hadn't ruined them; they owned their home, the cars were paid for, etc. Once the depression began, though, it took on a life of its own.

She saw her doctor and he put her on Ativan for the anxiety. A lot of Ativan. She ended up addicted after a month or so. At this point, communication with her friends dwindled; she wouldn't answer her phone or return calls. She was committed to Stanford right before New Years, and spent about two weeks there before returning home. She was Ativan free and on an anti-depressant.

Everyone thought she was getting better, although according to her husband she spoke of her life in the past tense (probably NOT a good sign). One day in mid-February, he came home and found her. She'd hung herself with a belt in their bedroom closet.

Apparently, Marion's timing wasn't atypical. Although she had just got out of Stanford, they'd cleaned up her unfortunate Ativan problem, and she was on anti-depressants, she was at her most vulnerable point in terms of suicide risk. The suicide plans she'd undoubtedly made in the midst of her severe depression could now be carried out, thanks to the slight lifting of her depressive haze. In other words, the anti-depressives were working just enough to motivate her to carry out her plan, but not well enough to make her see that her plan was not rational or desirable.

It's terrible that no therapist or doctor warned Marion's friends and family about suicide risk. I urge anyone who's reading this and caring for a recently released and medicated loved one to watch them very carefully for signs of planning and carrying out their own death. It really could make a difference.

Marion's funeral was particularly horrible. Everyone seemed shell-shocked and surprised. We all kept staring at those little boys in disbelief. Marion was someone who never left her kids with a babysitter, yet she chose to ultimately leave them without her forever. What a terrible choice. I can only think that her internal pain was so bad, she thought the boys would be better off without her.

Luckily for Marion's family, people have pulled together to remain in contact and help with the boys. I'm hoping that, someday, I can share with the boys stories about their mother. How funny she was, how she was always laughing, what a sharp wit and wonderful personality she had. How much she loved Rice Krispie Treats. I worry that the stigma of suicide is all that people see, instead of how the person was when she was alive and whole and healthy.