Survival guide to raising teenagers

You will begin to notice a phrase that the teen begins using more and more often, particularly when you are scolding them for something they did. That phrase is "WHAT are you talking about?" It will be repeated so often that you may begin to wonder whether you really have lost your communication skills. Not to worry, it is one of the tactics that the teens use to make you think you are losing your mind. They know perfectly well about what you are speaking, they just don't want to hear it. Just look them in the eyes (if possible) and slowly repeat your statement. Falling for their tactics is the worse thing you can do.

Teenagers also love to argue. In the above example, the discussion could go on forever because they will plead ignorance and swear that you are imagining things. Sad, but true. The best thing is to walk away after you have repeated your statements. Teenagers will not accept responsibility for arguing. They will insist that it is you that started the argument. This stems from a teenager's psychological need to have the last word.

Like every generation, there will be words spoken by your teen that you may or may not know the meaning. Unless you have somewhat of a basic knowledge of the latest slang, it is best not to use too much of it. You raised your teenager using your native language and despite how they act, they do still understand it. However, you will quickly learn what the current slang curse words are and if it is a rule in your home not to use foul language, that applies to teen slang too, or it should.

Trying to engage a teenager in a general conversation is almost impossible. Instead of insight and interaction, you will most likely receive a rolling of the eyes and a get facial expression usually reserved for the criminally insane. It is best to accept that some behaviors will continue and in a later module we will discuss alternatives to ripping your little angel/devil's head off. For now, smile and take a deep breath.

Honestly, home contracts work well. Exceptionally, with an extremely difficult teen, they will just argue that they are a minor and it won't hold up in court. This, they understand but they still can't understand why they can't go on a weekend away with a boy/girl group unsupervised. Go figure! Home contracts are basically behavior and reward agreements. One example might be that Billy or Sally must do their homework and chores every night and they can have a friend spend the night ( or go to a movie, or any reward on which you decide). Home contracts are best done at a time when you and your teen are both relatively relaxed and in a good mood. It is often very helpful to schedule an appointment with a family therapist if you have trouble. They have a lot of experience helping with home contracts.

No teen is the same, it is just that many exhibit the same behaviors during the teen years and believe it or not, it is a difficult time for both parents and teens. Do you remember your teen years? Despite your efforts to be the perfect parent during these times; there will be conflict and there will be stress. A home contract is one way of cutting down on those and making clear cut arrangements between you and your teenager. The most important thing is that the parent DOES NOT give in if the contract is not honored. Once you allow a reward when it isn't earned, the teen will lose respect for the importance of the contract. Home contracts are successful only if they are honored by both parties involved. Stay firm, Mom and Dad, it will pay off.

There is a comprehensive website that offers a lot of information on Home contracts. Learn how to make the best contract for you and your teen or preteen

Most parents who have already gone through several years of parenting, and especially those who have more than one child may already possess this ability. While disrespect should not have to be tolerated, there are times when if even for your own sanity you will need to tune your child out. This comes in handy when they go on a rampage about something. If things start to get tense and you really want to avoid an argument, simply give the "Mother's curse; Some day you are going to have a child that acts just like you". That curse has actually never been known to fail. It will also make the parent feel better.

Unless you choose your battles carefully, these years can become a constant battle with your child. Continuous arguing isn't going to teach the teen anything and will only increase tensions. You must decide what actions or words can be tuned out and what must be dealt with. You are the adult and therefore must be the one to know when an incident warrants an "heated discussion" or not. There will definitely be more arguments than normal but trying to keep them to a minimum reduces the stress level for the entire family. Keep in mind that tuning out and choosing your battles does not mean giving in to the teen's demands. If you say no and the teen wants to know why, you may choose to tell them why but do not let it escalate into a full blown argument. Give an explanation, repeat the "no" and walk away.

Choose a less tense time to iron out the specifics instead of arguing when the stress level is up. With a teenager around, the stress level can go from 0 to 80 in about 2.3 seconds. It then goes from 80 to 100 in a millisecond. If there happens to be both a teen and a menopausal woman in the same house, chances are things will escalate from 0-100 in a millisecond. If you are the adult male of the household; you may need to learn to duck and cover!

Don't Mess with Mom

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights"

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just one more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Service Division,
Better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
He's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
There's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've cancelled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The CSD is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room.
You'll take the couch instead.
The CSD Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling of your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D?

Family meetings and home contracts take a bit of the edge off of the tension when parenting a teenager. There are some other things that are indispensable during these turbulent times. Stress levels may be stretched to the limit. In fact, that will seem to be a major life goal for your teen.

Patience As parents, people either are very patient or not very patient. Working on relaxation skills helps, as does remembering that your parents survived your teen years. Another option is always to visit the family doctor and make a heart-felt request for a big supply of Xanax.

Strength It is imperative that the parents say what they mean and mean what they say. There will be times when it will seem so easy and tempting to just give in. Unless you have truly reconsidered a decision, do not change it. There are very few times when the rules should be broken.

A night out: At least once a week, make time for yourself. Spend time away from your teen either enjoying something you want to do, or simply enjoying the peace and quiet. This is a real sanity saver for the parents and also can be good for the teenager.

Pampering products: Provide yourself a big supply of pampering items such as bath salts, candles, and calming music. You may also want to get some games to play with your significant other, or simply some word game books. At least for 30 minutes every day allow yourself some pamper time.

A support system: This can be a group of family or friends or even a support group. There is nothing wrong with getting yourself some therapy during this time. Even the family dog can be supportive. Pets often listen to their owner's problems and respond with a great deal of attention, and usually a kiss!

A Journal: Writing your thoughts can be very therapeutic. There will be times when you will feel like twisting your teen's neck. It is better to journal this than to actually do it because the latter often results in jail time...not to mention the guilt that comes later.