Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair?

An affair will strike a blow to any relationship - however the answers to these questions can tell you if your marriage has a chance to pull through.

1. Did your spouse try to hide evidence of the affair?
2. Does you spouse avoid eye contact with you?=
3. Does your spouse avoid discussing the topic of the affair?
4. Has your spouse had more symptoms of nausea, upset stomach, or other gastro-intestinal complaints since you discovered the affair?
5. Has your spouse changed their routine since you discovered the affair?
6. Has your spouse paid more attention to you since you discovered the affair?
7. Does your spouse avoid using or mentioning the word "divorce"?
8. Does your spouse show a regard for the children and their reactions to the affair?
9. Does your spouse have religious or moral convictions against divorce?
10. Does your spouse spend 5 or more hours talking with you each week?

Believe it or not, just three "yesses" to these questions tells me there's a good chance your marriage can survive.

Some of our childhood wounds bruises remain in our bodies through the scars. These scars also remind us of the lessons we've learned through the difficult process of growing up. Thankfully, the process of learning our lessons does not stop in childhood. Rather, the learning process becomes more difficult.

For married people, an affair leaves one of the ugliest scars-not physically but emotionally and spiritually. Some couples who decide against divorce for the sake of the kids never found it in themselves to rebuild the marriage. They hang on to their emotional baggage and let their emotional wounds fester.

After the affair, you may decide against divorce. But that doesn't mean that you don't have to rebuild the marriage. If you decided to stay together, you might as well mend your wounds and make up. After all, it is difficult to live with a person that you despise.

By choosing to rebuild your marriage, you start tending your emotional wounds and heal them in the process. Wounds inevitably leave scars, yet these scars can remind you of the lessons you've learned. So go on and renew your love and commitment to each other. This is much better than letting your emotional wounds fester.

Guilt and shame accompany any remembrance of the affair that a person once had. If you've had an affair before and realized how you've hurt your partner and your family, you will still deal with guilt and shame even after you were forgiven. In severe cases, the merest remembrance can drive you to tears. As such, you should learn how to deal with this-in yourself and in your partner's.

You have to affirm yourself that you've been through that road before and it has brought you no lasting joy or pleasure-only heartaches, guilt and shame. Such affirmation will help you remember your love for your spouse, and for your family. You should also be thankful that your spouse did not call it quits but decided to be with you in spite of what happened. You cannot afford to lose such trust again.

If you and your spouse are still dealing with the guilt and the shame, you should consider going to a professional counselor who can help you sort out those emotions and deal with them effectively.

Rebuilding the marriage after the affair is not for the faint of heart. It is for those who choose to hold on to the love that they have.

It took some time before your partner has forgiven you. Through those times, it was as if you were living in two different worlds even if you share a room together. She even told you she's filing for divorce. Thankfully, however, because of open communication, both of you decided to give the marriage a chance. Now, you can't even bear to think about breaking that trust again. Yet, the memory of the affair is still firmly etched in your partner's mind and even in yours.

The memory of an affair can still give pain and guilty feelings. In worst cases, you might just want to break down and cry over it and want the memory to be erased. All is not lost, however. You can overcome the memory of an affair.

For one, you need to make a firm commitment of loyalty and faithfulness to your partner. This involves avoiding places and situation where you might be tempted to commit an affair again. You should also show your partner frequently that she is important to you.

You also need to have a support group-people who care about you and your partner. This way, they can keep an eye on you and help you keep your commitment to your partner.

There are a number of tough questions that a couple has to ask after the discovery and conclusion of an affair by any of the couple. An affair is essentially a breach of trust and a breach of the understanding of the marriage vows. Inevitably, the wronged party will ask "should I trust my partner again?"

Trust, once broken, cannot be easily restored. In some cases, it should be earned again. But how?

There is an adage saying "forgive those who wronged you but do not forget their names." This hardly applies to a marriage that just went through a beating because of an affair.

The trust of a person is built upon love and fulfilled promises. Before trust could be established there should be repentance and forgiveness. The man, or woman for that matter, who had an affair should end it and seek his partner's forgiveness. After forgiveness comes the difficult job of rebuilding the marriage. One simple act affirming trustworthiness goes a long way in re-establishing trust. If such acts were multiplied, then a revitalized trust will not be long in coming.

Should you trust your partner again? Yes. But you should also hold him or her accountable to the trust you give her.

Where is the Love?

Making marriage work is sometimes a very tedious and tricky job. Besides the task of earning money, and keeping the love alive, there are also a lot of temptations that each partner has to deal with-the secretary batting her eyelashes in the office, the cute guy that she meets at the fitness center, or the friend that lends a helping hand when the marriage's going gets rough.

A lot of people mistake love for the good feelings that it gives. Sure, having those feelings is great but they are not always there. When the feelings are not there anymore, people may turn to an affair that promises fulfillment of those feelings.

Your partner may have recently had an affair. Your question now, maybe, is "where is the love?" That's a tough question which only the two of you can answer. You may have thought about divorce but thought better of it. Now, you need to rebuild your marriage by rediscovering where your love is.

This may require you to go back to what originally brought you together-maybe late afternoon snacks, seeing a movie, enjoying an intellectual conversation, or doing service to other people. Take courage to do so and be open to the rediscovery of your love by going through your history together. You'll be surprised at how much you have been through together and this can help you gain strength and momentum to rebuild and strengthen your marriage.

Across the world, when trust is violated in the marriage relationship, it is common for one spouse to ask, "Are you having an affair?" Although this question seems to be a legitimate question, it is worth taking a closer look at it. Consider what the question is asking and what is being asked. Since much of our lives consists of either asking or answering questions, it is needful that this question be considered.

First, what is it that is being asked? If the resolute spouse has seen or felt something that has violated their ability to trust their spouse, that in itself is an issue that needs attention. Taking the approach of saying, "I feel let down by you lately. For some reason, I have lost trust in you. Can we talk about what I am feeling?" Such an approach will start to get at the violation of trust. As the couple discusses what they have felt and what has or hasn't occurred, the issue of the trust gets addressed.

When the question is whether of not they are having an affair arises, what comes into play is what is the definition of "an affair"?. It could be that you and your spouse have different definitions of what constitutes an affair. If they are seeing a prostitute, in their mind they are not having an affair, but you may see it one. They may be involved in a cybersex environment, which in their mind is just a mass of electronic signals with no physical contact with anyone and that is not their idea of an affair. By asking the affair question, you will get an answer, but your spouse may be answering the question as they understand it rather than how you meant it.

The question also asks if they are actively involved in an affair situation. It could be that they had one in the past, and if that is the case, they would truthfully tell you no. They may be emotionally attached to someone at work, but since "no physical contact" has occurred, it is not an affair. In such cases, they would truthfully answer the question, no.

Although it may seem silly, you may have to be specific about what you mean by an affair. A working definition used by relationship experts defines an affair as "a secret behavior with sexual attraction that violates a spouses expectation of exclusivity". Yes it is quite a mouthful, but it addresses the issue of what one is dealing with. To the resolute spouse it about a violation of trust. The wayfaring spouse may be using a definition that is based on a repeated pattern of direct contact involving intercourse. Those two ideas of what constitutes an affair are worlds apart from each other.

Another issue associated with the question is what about cases where the spouse lies or is in an absolute state of denial. It is common that those involved in affair situations tell lies to cover their tracks. The illicit relationship is often surrounded by secrecy. The secrecy is part of what makes it so exciting for those involved. The more the secrecy in the relationship, the greater the danger involved, and the greater level of excitement.

In some cases, you may be dealing with a denial of the affair through lying or sexual addiction. In the case of the addiction, they may not view their behavior as an affair at all, since they had no attachment to the person involved. In the case where there is lying, the wayfaring spouse may not be ready to accept responsibility for their actions.

In conclusion, the question "Are you having an affair?" may be the wrong question to ask. If you are asking the wrong question, do not be surprised that your spouse gives you an answer that does not address your concern. If there is a matter of your ability to trust your spouse being damaged, begin talking about the loss of trust. It will lead you to the issues faster than arguing about what is or is not an affair.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with another person knows that they grow complex very quickly. Relationships in this area of our lives are not mechanical. Since they are not mechanical, simplistic explanations do not fully express or explain what occurs. When things are going well in that relationship, few people consider trying to understand or improve what they are doing. When things go bad, people began looking for answers. Since they are hurting, they often want simple answers. Operating a garage door opener requires the operator mash the button. Once the button is mashed, the electronic device opens the door. Such an interaction is purely mechanical, and can be explained in like manner.

Relationships between people involve reciprocal interactions. When reciprocity is brought into relationships, mechanical explanations do not convey the interactions that take place. Although there may be some interactions that seem to occur in a mechanical manner, there are variations added that make the interaction increasingly complex. Let us return to the garage door opener to illustrate. When the button on the opener is mashed, the door opens. Only this time, the opener decides it did not like the amount of force used in mashing the button, so it changes the sensitivity level of the button. The next time the operator mashes the button, they may have to push with just the right amount of pressure to make it open. The door opens, as it has before, but the reciprocity involved in the first interaction has altered the relationship between the two of them. On the surface, the door still opens in a mechanical manner, but the way to open the door has changed.

Relationships between two individuals begin with two people meeting. On meeting, there is often an acknowledgement of the other person's presence. The acknowledgement is followed by an exchange of greetings and often some type of small talk. The small talk consists of addressing a neutral topic. This is often sports, the weather, current events or their immediate surroundings. Besides verbal communication, there are also non-verbal messages also occurring in the interaction. Many of the skills required in starting relationships are learned in childhood to early adolescence. Although many people learned the basic skills of how to meet people and start conversations. Issues such as experience, confidence and self-image interfere with exercising those skills by either adding to or distracting from the basic skills.

Some people learn how to initiate relationships, but have not learned or mastered the skills necessary to engage the other person or take the relationship beyond the introductory or acquaintance level. Specific skills are needed at the various levels of relationships. Each level of relationship requires specific skills associated with it. The question arises as to "What are the required skills of relationships?".

The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm understood this dilemma. He identified some of the qualities necessary for the relationship to develop. "There are no easy instructions on relationships. To engage in relationship requires humility, courage, faith and discipline". It is often easy to meet people. Work is required in improving the quality of the relationship beyond the acquaintance level. Although movies make it look as though relationships magically go from acquaintances to a healthy relationship with time and a little effort. The truth is that relationships require time and effort on the part of both persons. The best illustration of how relationships work is dancing. In dancing, the two partners work as a team. As part of that teamwork, there are many interactions going back and forth between them involving directions, attitude, preferences, style of dance, etc. The rookie dancer believes all they need to know is the correct dance steps and they can master any dance. When the inexperienced dancer messes up they look for simple answers like what step they missed. In some cases, it may be a missed step. In many cases, it is more complicated than a missed step, or what led to the missed step. The inexperienced dancer is not ready for other explanations, nor do they have the vocabulary to grasp the explanation. At that point all they understand is the missed step. As a dancer gains experience and skill in dancing, they can more readily understand the subtleties and interactions behind mess ups and what it takes to make a great dance. When your relationship needs improving, recognize it requires work, and seek help from those who have experience in the interactions and subtleties involved.

The saying that "people perish without a vision" applies to businesses and relationships. One of the visible forms of vision is a mission statement. One of the reasons businesses post mission statements where they can be seen is to remind the employees and customers what they are there for. Such statements help maintain focus.

In our series of the requirements of relationships, the third basic requirement of relationships is faith. Faith involves the mission statement of the relationship. Whether it is written down or not, every relationship operates according to a mission statement. In order to modify the mission statement, one first has to identify what the mission statement is. Mission statements often contain how people will be treated and what the goal of the company is.

Uncovering the mission statement of your relationship entails observing how you interact with your partner, and what you actually do. People commonly look at their relationships through a template that adds meaning and interpretation. Those templates also act as blinders that interfere with observing what is actually going on.

Consider how conflicts are dealt with. Are they generally resolved? What are the patterns as to how they are resolved? How do conflicts begin? What are the objects of conflict? How do they end? What threats are made? How do the two of you talk to or refer to each other? Answering such questions provides clues as to what your relationship mission statement is regarding 'customer service'. There are often discrepancies between how you thought things were going with your spouse and what is actually going on, much like there are often differences between what the intent of a business mission is and what actually occurs. Another area where there may be problems is if there are differences between what you say and what you do. If you tell your partner they are they are the love of your life and then you talk to them harshly or ignore them during conflicts there are discrepancies.

1. Identify the mission statement of your relationship.
2. Correct any discrepancies between what you say and what you do.
3. Correct any discrepancies between what you thought you did, or what you intended, or what you fantasized and what you actually do.

Besides defining customer relations, a mission statement also identifies what the goal of the relationship is. In discovering what the goal of your relationship is, ask yourself what goals have been defined? Do both of you clearly share the same goals? Do your actions enable or disable the efforts to reach those goals? Given that as humans we operate on goal driven basis, if you followed the trajectory of your actions do they take you where you want to go? What direction are you headed? Without a clear goal, people often wander around with a feeling of being lost, without purpose and lacking any sense of accomplishment. Accompanying the lack of goal is a sense of resignation, since without a goal one must settle for wherever they are. Clear goals provide direction, purpose and underlie a sense of accomplishment. A clear goal also provides a reference point to know whether one is making any kind of progress and to evaluate what is truly important. Distractions can be avoided easier when a couple is focused on their goals.

Once you have a clearer sense of the goals, consider what actions are needed to achieve those goals. In setting goals, there is a need for periodic 'course corrections'. Course corrections may be necessary due to a change in finances, health, deaths or traumas. Any journey always involves course corrections. When corrections are done routinely, they will not seem so drastic.

4. Identify and clearly define the goal or goals of your relationship.
5. Recognize that goals often need refining and 'course corrections'.

Although not formally stated in mission statements, another aspect of faith is involved in developing them. In setting how to treat customers and what the goal is the presumption that the goal is achievable. The sense of believing in the possibility of fulfilling the mission and achieving the goal is behind any mission statement. In relationships this shows up as belief in your partner and providing encouragement.

6. Recognize and acknowledge the potential of yourself and your partner.

Motivational speakers know the importance of believing that a goal is possible. This sense of believing or having faith in the achievability of the mission statement is commonly shown as enthusiasm. If your relationship lacks enthusiasm, it is likely because you have more faith in failure than in success. Enthusiasm is often contagious. As humans we enjoy being around someone who sees the potential rather than someone who always points out our failures.

This brings me back to "without a vision, the people perish". In relationships, the establishment of a mission statement, with goals provides a vision, purpose and direction. When it is seen as achievable or believable, there will be enthusiasm for the relationship and achieving the goal. Having the mission also enables couple to better weather the distractions and challenges they face, rather than allowing those things to keep them from their task.

Dear Friend,

Although excruciatingly painful, you can survive infidelity. Yes, we know it hurts, but there are ways to ease the pain. Why did he do it? Doesn't she care? What about the children? How dare he!

You've been the partner you need to be... attentive, loving, supportive. Why wasn't it enough?

You've got questions - lots of them. Your feelings go from intense anger at them to beating up and berating yourself.

It feels as if you've been sucker punched; can't wake from a bad dream; like you're going insane. We know... it's agonizing.

If you're reeling with the heart-wrenching effects of an affair, you need more than just a free report to stop the excruciating pain of infidelity. Infidelity: A Survivor's Guide is for you. This brand new e-book meets the immediate needs of couples struggling to survive infidelity.

This material is not feel-good, pie-in-the-sky fluff - it's actual teachings that I use in the counseling room to help couples get past the agony of the affair. These are strategies that work - in both healing your personal hurt and putting your marriage back on track.

What exactly is Infidelity: A Survivor's Guide?

I've spent the last several years working with hundreds of couples going through the painful effects of an affair. I've seen many marriages turned around when they implement the teachings in Infidelity: A Survivor's Guide.

So I decided to write a book and share these insights with more people than I could by just sitting in the counseling room. This book is published only as an e-book and workbook program - which means that you can download it and start on your road to healing immediately - right from the privacy and comfort of your computer.

Here's what you'll learn in Infidelity: A Survivor's Guide:

Chapter 1: Crisis Intervention - What To Do (and Not Do) When Your Partner Has an Affair

Chapter 2: Asking the Right Kinds of Questions to Get the Answers You're Looking For

Chapter 3: What Not To Do - The 13 Most Detrimental Things You Can Do When Your Partner Has An Affair

Chapter 4: Six Ways to Improve Communication - Take A.C.T.I.O.N.

Chapter 5: Opening Up and Shutting Down - The Critical Difference Between Sharing and Blaming

Chapter 6: Advanced Communication - The Right Way to Fight

Chapter 7: Telling Yourself the Truth - What Does the Affair Really Mean?

Chapter 8: Fantasies and Affairs

Chapter 9: Re-establishing Intimacy - The S.P.R.I.G. Blueprint

Chapter 10: What is Intimacy, Anyway?

Chapter 11: Forgiveness - What Is It, Really and Should You Do It and Do They Deserve It?

Chapter 12: Now That You Know, What Should You Do?

* Plus 2 Timely Bonus Chapters:

Bonus Chapter #1: What About the Effects of the Affair on Children?

Bonus Chapter #2: Family Patterns and Affairs: Can He Help It?

Will this really help me?

It can . It will give you objective direction and information to help you make better decisions in dealing with the affair. We can't guarantee it will save your marriage but this series will guide you in what helps and what hurts.

In my 25+ years of working with couples, I have gained valuable experience and insights that can help you avoid making tragic mistakes. If you're feeling desperate, aimless and confused, Infidelity: A Survivor's Guide can put you on the path to healing.

Let me ask you this: What if this knowledge helps you save your marriage? What would that be worth to you?

Now ask yourself: What if there's even a chance that this book can actually help you have a BETTER relationship with your spouse than you ever had before?

How much would that be worth to you? A thousand dollars? Ten thousand? More? For most couples I know, it would be priceless.

Just the POSSIBILITY of having this kind of relationship would be worth the investment.

I wish that you didn't have to go through this pain - and $47.00 is less than half the cost of a single counseling session to help you sort it out. I know that you'll be glad you made the investment in your marriage once you begin to see some of the changes in your relationship take shape from implementing what you learn.

This is possibly the most important investment you'll ever make in your marriage.

I assure you that you'll be able to use the things that you'll learn in my eBook to start healing from the devastating effects of the affair and to help get your marriage back on track.

This book may have the one exact piece of advice you need, but I want you to be absolutely sure about it.

Read the book from cover to cover and you'll find strategies you can use RIGHT AWAY to start the healing process. I promise.

Take 30 days to read the book and start applying the techniques you learn.

If, after you've read the book you decide that it's not for you, or you didn't find any useful information in it for your situation, simply send us an email and let us know. We'll issue a refund immediately, no questions asked.

I truly want to help you move past this troubling time. I know the material in this ebook has helped countless other couples overcome the pain of infidelity, and I want to help you too.
Download Infidelity: A Survivor's Guide now.

If you have any questions about this ebook program, just send an email to murrah.associates@gmail.com and we'll get back to you right away.

Wishing you much healing on your journey,
Jeff Murrah

Jeff Murrah, LPC

P.S. Don't delay - the longer you wait, the longer you'll feel desperate and miserable. Register now and get the information and support you need. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We'll help you find it.

Download Infidelity: A Survivor's Guide now.

Like gardens, in order to bloom and produce, relationships require upkeep. Basic garden requirements are soil and water. Basic relationship requirements are time and attention. Many couples know these basic requirements and exercise them, yet find that their relationship is not what they wanted it to be. They talk, but nothing ever seems to change. They go through the empty motions of loving each other, but something is missing. The phrase "I love you, but I am not in love with you!" may have been thought or expressed. They wonder, "What am I missing?" or "What am I doing wrong?". If this situation describes your relationship, read on to find the answer.

The missing attribute is courage. Although one assumes they know what 'courage' means, taking a closer look at this attribute yields life changing qualities. Courage is required in its many forms. The word itself is from a Latin root, cor referring to the heart. Courage also entails firmness, intrepidity, being without fear or depression of spirit, and being resolute.

In considering the origins of the word itself, the first requirement is that a person need to be true to their heart. This entails several aspects. One aspect is that the person needs to be aware of what is in their hearts. In contemporary culture, many people are so used to superficial relationships, they are unawares of what is in their hearts. Becoming aware of what is in one's heart requires effort. Before you can have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse, one needs to know what is in their own heart first. This requires knowing what you feel, think, and believe.

At the simplest, what one feels are the emotions they experience. People often react without giving any consideration as to what they felt associated with their reaction. In terms of emotions, there are at least two in any interaction. There is the emotion of what one initially felt, then there is the emotional reaction they had to the initial emotion. Becoming aware of one's feelings requires the effort of practice. Practice is also what is required in communicating those feelings to others, especially your spouse.

The second attribute of courage is firmness. In relationships this means dependability or consistency. Your partner needs to be able to count on you. When you say something, they have to be able to believe that you will come through. In many relationships the partners say whatever it takes to get through a crisis and then do not do what they say. A friend once told his partner, "Tell me what you want to hear and I'll say it". The sad part is that the partner did believe him. The practice of firmness brings about a sense of security. They know when you make a promise, you mean it.

Firmness is not to be confused with stubbornness or heard-headedness. Confusing the two will lead to miscommunication and conflict. One of the big differences between firmness and stubbornness is the attitude behind them. In stubbornness, there is a selfish, "I am going to do it come hell or high water" mentality. Whereas firmness is "I am going to honor what I said and not let my partner down, even if it costs me."

The third quality is intrepidity, which means fearlessness or boldness. This is the attribute of being able to speak your mind without fear. In relationships, it means being able to speak up without fear of your spouse's reaction or possible rejection. Marriage is the one relationship that you should be yourself in. This is not a blank check to be brazen or rash in speaking to your partner. Speaking fearlessly still requires you show respect when speaking with your partner. This kind of boldness takes time to develop to its fullest. Although it would be nice if the relationship began with boldness, they often do not. This quality develops as the relationship matures.

The next quality is that of being without depression. This assumes there is not a medical or psychiatric condition predisposing someone to depression. Assuming there is no such condition or situational circumstance, then this refers to being a source of encouragement to your partner. People do not enjoy being around someone who is negative or down all the time. When you are with your partner, try your best to be in good spirits and maintain a positive outlook. King Solomon wrote that in order to have friends a man must show himself friendly. This passage speaks to the practice of being a source of encouragement.

The final attribute of courage needed in relationships is resoluteness. This term refers to having a fixed purpose and determination. A simpler way to express this is commitment. In a relationship, your partner needs to know that you are committed to the relationship. When they know that you are committed, and will not be leaving at the first disagreement or crisis, there is a sense of emotional security. In many modern relationships, people often separate when a crisis arises. It is as if in their vows, the promise was made, 'until crisis causes us to part'. In situations where crisis will lead to a breakdown of the relationship, people often begin keeping secrets to keep it intact. The relationship becomes tenuous, basing its stability on the parties emotional status rather than on the commitment they made to each other.

Practicing courage in a relationship will transform both the kind of intimacy occurring and the quality of the intimacy. If you are looking for what is needed to bring the relationship from loving each other to being in love with each other, courage is important in making that change happen.

Modern society often uses game-based phrases, like "take it to the next level". Taking a relationship 'to the next level' of intimacy requires effort and skill. Some people's relationships are not fulfilling because they either lack the skills, the knowledge or are unwilling to exert the effort of improving intimacy required by relationships. Many people suffer in silent desperation or seek affairs rather than address what is needed to improve the intimacy. When someone is desperate, they often confuse the intensity that affairs provide with the intimacy which they need. They make wrong choices because they do not understand what is needed in the relationship.

Based on his experience and observations, the psychoanalyst, Eric Fromm claimed the relationship skill list includes the qualities of humility, courage, faith and discipline. This list provides general qualities required. My experience is that people want to know how to apply such qualities. For example, they wish to know how to express humility (or some other necessary quality) in relationships.
The word humility has been defined as being free from pride and arrogance. It also entails a humbleness of mind and modest estimate of one's own worth. In considering how humility applies to relationships, recognize that pride and arrogance each kill relationships. The quality of pride becomes a barrier preventing others from developing a relationship with you. Pride not only shuts people out, it also creates emotional distance around the person infected with it. If your relationships are often shallow and lacking intimacy, it may be that pride is preventing others from getting close to you.

Arrogance, a close cousin of pride, is a quality that seeks obeisance from others, thereby shutting out any kind of mutual reciprocity needed for healthy relationships. Healthy relationships require people treat each other with respect, arrogance destroys any chance for respect developing.

Humility requires that the person wishing to improve their relationship make room for the other person or persons involved. One way to make room for the other person is to put forth the effort to maintain contact. At the very basic level, calling or writing are needed to maintain contact with the other person. These could be notes or messages to the other person keeping the emotional connection in place. The contact needs to focus on the other person rather than have the other person focus their attention on you. This means one will have to discover what the likes and dislikes of the other person are. One way to discover their likes and dislikes is developing a list of questions focused on these areas. When you are with the other person, ask those questions and discover how they see and experience the world.

'Focusing on the other person' also means that one may have to modify their schedule in order to connect with the other person. Humility involves making room for the other person in your attention, efforts and time. It requires effort to shift your schedule rather than constantly expecting them to accommodate yours.

It will also be important that when the other person asks you questions that your response be of a humble nature. Even in the areas where significant accomplishments may have occurred, approaching them in a modest manner helps create an atmosphere conducive to relationships deepening. When faults are pointed out or errors made, they will need to be approached in attitude of modesty and humility.

Pointing our errors with an attitude of "gotcha!" or "you're not as perfect as you thought!" are sure ways of killing any developing intimacy. Attitudes conveying defensiveness or arrogance are a sure way to invite further conflict and stifle the growth of any relationship.

Humility is required in taking a relationship to the next level of intimacy. Like any area of personal growth, exercising humility will take us out of our emotional comfort zone. Consider the question, "Do you want to have intimacy or be comfortable?". Developing intimacy requires effort. One of the areas needing effort that pays dividends beyond the effort involved is that of humility. If you have a relationship you want to "take it to the next level", start by developing humility.

The Aftermath of an Affair

You felt it was true but never really had courage to deal with it until all evidence confirmed the truth-your partner had an affair.

If this happened to you, you are not alone. There hundreds, if not thousands who went through the ordeal of dealing with a spouse's extra-marital affair. But the number is hardly comforting, isn't it? Divorce is a difficult process to go through. Rebuilding a marriage after an affair is an equally difficult task. If you have been in one, you need to look for ways to affirm yourself since the self-esteem tends to suffer if your partner had an affair. You see, it is easy to blame yourself for what happened. If you do not take control of your emotions, you can easily get lost in depression and self-pity.

The first step in dealing with the aftermath of an affair is for you to be honest about your feelings and your emotions. Such emotions, however, should be kept reined in. After admitting to yourself that you have been hurt, you need to start on the process of healing and reconciliation. Whether you get a divorce or not, healing is still necessary. Yet, rebuilding a marriage after the affair could be the best option for you as long as you do not decide yet while your emotions are running wild.

Working on Your Marriage after an Affair

At least, people have explored different ways of dealing with it and you can learn about those. The knee-jerk response to an affair could be divorce. Oftentimes, however, the best decisions are thought of carefully instead of haphazardly.

If your spouse has had an affair recently, you need to spend time in sorting through your feelings. If necessary, ask for time and space for you to think things through. It helps to go out on a retreat and rediscover yourself. Postpone your decisions after you've had a chance to think things through.

Rebuilding the marriage might seem a little crazy yet it makes perfect sense if both of you would affirm your love for each other despite of what happened. People make mistakes-sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don't. There are a number of issues that may have caused the affair. Some of these reasons simple, most of them are not. Once it happens, however, trust is broken and the hurt caused by the affair will need years to be healed.
Saving the marriage and rebuilding it needs one reason. Well, there may be other reasons for it, too, but the best reason is a four-letter word: LOVE.

An Affair is but the Tip of an Iceberg

Before the discovery, you found him difficult to understand. He was always irritable, always brooding and did not seem to be himself. You've wondered about the man that you fell in love with-the character, the jolly personality, and every trait that made your eyes sparkle with delight. Your instincts were right-he had an affair but promised to choose you and work on the marriage. But you are confused and do not know how to react.

You need to think carefully about your situation and sort through the difficult thoughts and emotions racing in your heart and in your mind. After all, going through an affair is enough to give you a heart attack.

Talk with your partner about your emotions-be honest and do not hold anything back. You would also need a counselor if you feel as if you can't handle it alone.

There could be myriad reasons why he had an affair. Yet, the affair may simply be the tip of the iceberg. Perhaps you both have a number of unresolved issues, which make it difficult for you to sustain your love alive. The key to resolving your issues is positive and honest communication. by rooting out the issues, you will be able to discover the issues that could be solved so that your marriage could be rebuilt.

Forgiveness and Love after an Affair

Love is a two-way street. There is giving, there is taking.

Good thoughts but difficult to practice in reality. The strength of love may be tested to its breaking point if your partner had an affair. If it happens, would you call it quits or would you stay in the marriage and try to make it work? This is a very tough question to answer and would largely depend on how you define love.

Forgiveness is a concrete sign of love. It does not come naturally so you have to exert conscious effort in forgiving your spouse's infidelity. Forgiveness, however, in order to be extended should also be accompanied by an affirmation that such infidelity will not happen again. Forgiveness, however, can neither be given nor asked if there is no meaningful communication going on.

It would be easier to get into a vengeful attitude. After all, a wrong turn deserves punishment and vengeance. Yet, forgiving your partner, as crazy as that may sound, leads you to freedom from negative emotions such as rage and depression. More than that, revenge can never bring back what happened and it will not right the wrong that has been committed.
Try forgiveness and love. Doing so redeems your beloved as well as yourself.

Communication and Trust for Your Marriage

Even in instances of divorce, a number of couples realize that they have been too hasty in going through the process. This is because of the difficulties of handling emotions after an affair. After all, even if divorce has its benefits, there are marked disadvantages. It is financially costly, and emotionally and spiritually draining for both couples and for their children.

On the other hand, stable marriages can help a lot of people cope with the problems that life has to offer. The scene is not always perfect though. There are always high points and low points of the marriage depending on the circumstances and the personalities of married couples. An affair is an extremely low point in the life a married couple. Most never get back after it because trust and communication have broken down.

When something's broken you ought to fix it. Since commitment and trust are difficult to re-establish, there should be conscious effort on both parties to communicate as honestly and positively about each other. One good turn in cultivating trust leads to another. As communication occurs between you and your partner, you will rediscover yourselves and re-strengthen the bond that was once lost.