Surviving Infidelity: How to Save your Sanity and Marriage

These words often describe someone slammed with the reality of infidelity.

How do I survive this mess? How do I survive the angst and anguish of infidelity in my marriage?

Comfort and effective strategies to survive infidelity in one's marriage emerge once you are capable of standing back and see the path you (and probably your spouse) will take on this journey.

And, yes, there are paths. Predictable paths. It is NOT all confusion and chaos. It's not all dread and fear.

You will learn. You will breathe more deeply and with less tension as you see the steps you traverse through this mine field of pain and fear.

First, it's helpful to put labels on these paths. Labels give comfort. Labels put words to feelings, and that is GOOD!

In working clinically with thousands, getting their feedback and researching infidelity I've identified 8 steps most take as they not merely survive the infidelity but move to recovery, hope and a redesigned life and perhaps marriage.

Surviving Infidelity - Progressive Paths to Recovery

Do you see the progression? As you move from surviving infidelity to recovery you will begin to identify where you are and the shifts you make from one path to the next.

Surviving Infidelity - 3 Key Points for the 8 Paths to Recovery

It's helpful to understand these points about these paths:

1. Once marital infidelity hits you between the eyes, or, for some, sneaks up on you until you can no longer ignore it - once it's before you - you are thrown onto one of the above 8 paths.

Now, it's certain you will not be thrown into one of the last three - acceptance, hopeful and happy. Far from it!

You probably will experience at least a smattering of the other five.

Do you feel frozen, terrified and focus on blaming yourself or at least throwing over and over in your mind, "What did I do? What's wrong with me?"

Well, if you are there, you are not alone. By far the majority of those who visit my websites and read my material start pretty darn near the bottom. Other crisis seemed to be handled with more strength and resolve than infidelity.

Why?

Well, infidelity hits us where we are most vulnerable - our sense of self worth - our sexual indentity - everything we hope and dream for in terms of family and relationships.

If you are depressed, frozen, can't think, and feel terribly victimized, you are not alone. And, you will move beyond that.

2. You cannot skip steps or paths - if you want to fully experience healing and restoration.

Well, you can try to skip one, but it's not recommended.

For example, if you try to run past the rage/revenge step - feeling terribly uneasy with your anger, etc. - the rage/anger will probably come back to bite you. And, when it bites you later, it probably will be worse than acknowledging and facing the anger/resentment when it's there the first time.

Ok, you ask, "You say in your e-course that you may want to "fake it" or "act happy" when you discover the infidelity."

Yes, I did say that. And here's why. When many first discover infidelity they revert to a default mode of feeling and thinking that is terribly negative, critical (of self and other) and destructive. You don't want to go there, or at least try NOT to go there.

You will say and do things that you later will regret. So, bite the bullet, if you can, and in the midst of your numbness and fear act the opposite of how you really want to act.

Not only will you "respect yourself in the morning" or when you wake up from the infidelity nightmare, you will most likely shake up your spouse. S/he will exect your default mode, and acting differently, will raise some eyebrows and will keep him/her guessing. And, that is good!

Once you've weathered the initial storm, allow yourself to go back and "work through" that step.

3. Identifying your step or stage is powerful because it enhances your feeling of personal power.

And, during the infidelity crisis your personal power is crucial, with a captial C!

Reclaiming, finding and embracing your personal power is vital for your well being and for the well being of your children and family if you have them.

And, do you want to know a secret? If you really want to save your marriage or relationship you MUST experience your personal power if you expect to save and redesign your marriage. Your personal power gives you a much better chance of rebuilding your life and marriage in healthy ways.

Your personal power enables you for formulate new strategies, to stand back and not be tossed to and fro by the antics of your spouse, to hold yourself firmly, come what may.

Once you begin to identify your path, once you begin to know the complexity of infidelity, once you understand the different options, routes, words and actions available to you, lights go on, ideas emerge and you experience a breath of fresh air, seeing hope where before there was no hope.

You begin to live, Knowing that your living CAN get better... AND you CAN MAKE IT BETTER!