Sympathy 101 for Atheists

I wrote this page to address an issue that at least some atheists are very intimidated by. We think death is the end and our loved ones think death is the beginning but they may need reassurance to comfort them during times of loss. It's a delicate enough thing to deal with when everyone involved shares the same beliefs. I think it is most important in life to do what is kind. That can be hard as heck when you don't know what the kind, yet still honest, thing to do is.

The vast majority of Americans are religious. In fact, most people in the world are religious. This has heavily affected the way people in our culture express sympathy. The expected and frequent things people know to say in the face of grief are nearly all religious. Funerals and memorial services are almost entirely religious ceremonies. It's only logical that most traditional and standard expressions of sympathy are religious in nature.

Some examples:
"She's in a better place."
"You are in my prayers."
"He's looking down from Heaven."
"She's waiting for you in Heaven."
"God called him home."
"Some babies are too good for this earth."
"She's with grandma now."

Atheists and agnostics surely have just as much sympathy for grieving loved ones as anyone else but since grief is set in a religious framework it can be difficult to communicate sympathy without using the religious words. People usually learn how to express sympathy and condolences by seeing other people doing so. So few non-religious or secular condolences are offered during typical bereavement situations that the average American atheist has witnessed very few to build their own from. About the only commonly said non-religious condolence is "I'm sorry for your loss" or some variation such as, "You have my deepest sympathy" and those only go so far and one can't just keep repeating paraphrases of them.

Express sorrow for your friend or loved one's loss. If the deceased is someone you also knew, express your own sadness about your shared loss. Your sincere condolences are meaningful, atheist or not.

Some examples:
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"I was sad to hear of his death."
"It seems so unfair."

If you know the deceased, you can relate positive ways the person affected your life. If you do not personally know the deceased, you can talk about the positive effects you have witnessed him or her to have on your friend or loved one.

Some examples:
"Your uncle Bob once stopped to help me change a tire. He saw I was shivering and let me borrow his coat, too. That's just the kind of guy he was."
"She made the world a better place with all she did."
"Every time your dad called, your face lit up."

This can be as simple as expressing your knowledge of the love your friend or family member gave the deceased. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be well-loved.

Some examples:
"You made his life happier."
"You made her proud."
"Every living thing dies but not every thing knows love. You gave him so much love."

You can even facilitate talking about a loss by relating a positive anecdote about the deceased. You could also give the grief-stricken a journal with some mementos of his or her loved one's life already inside it. I think it important to acknowledge that the survivors of loss have lost someone, that there's a void left in their lives. This is true of atheists and believers.

Offer to be there if your grieving friend or family member needs you. It's best, however, to be specific because offers of "Call me if you need anything" are seldom taken seriously. You might offer to watch the grieving person's children so she can have some alone time if she needs it or so she can go make funeral arrangements. You could offer to come over and tidy up her house, walk or groom her dog, drive her or her children to places they need to go, or to temporarily take over some obligation she usually fulfills.

After the funeral passes, many people make the assumption that the grieving is done. Usually, it is not. It's important to stay in contact with your friend or family member so that you truly are "being there" for him or her. A card that says, "Thinking of you" certainly wouldn't be out of line.

It's the job of friends and family to make sure the grieving person has the opportunity to get back into life after a loss. If he or she stops doing the things you enjoy together, don't stop inviting him or her. Instead, keep the offer open or even suggest new activities.

Atheists don't think God is real. It would be lying to say things relating to religion and grief that state the opposite. But, if it is comforting to the person who is grieving, why shouldn't the atheist lie and pretend to believe as the believer does? I think it is a bad idea for multiple reasons.

Dishonesty is never a good basis for a relationship. It is unfair to your friends and relatives and to you to put on a mask when the real you will do just fine. If your friendship or relationship is only held together with lies it is not a strong relationship. Chances are your friend or family member will eventually find out you are an atheist and a liar all in one package if you lie during times of grief and loss. A lie will always come back to bite you.

Having different beliefs about the nature of reality can make communication difficult and perilous. If someone who is grieving demands an answer to a religious question, such as, "Do you think he's in Heaven?" obviously you don't want to harm his or her beliefs at such a time but you need to respond in some way which is still honest. I've found that it's possible to be supportive of another's comforting beliefs without lying. You don't need to say, "I believe as you believe" to give comfort.

Some examples:
"If anyone is in Heaven, he should be, too."
"He was a good man, if anyone deserves such a reward, he does."
"He was a good person." - This one doesn't exactly answer the question but, instead leaves the answer up to the asker. If the person asking believes good people go to Heaven, it helps him feel more securely that his loved one is in Heaven without the atheist saying "I believe as you believe."

One would assume that thinking of a dead loved one as hanging out in paradise would be less painful than thinking of that person as disintegrated and gone forever. But you shouldn't assume that.

If my partner were to die, I think I'd be more upset than if I got a letter from him saying that he was moving to Hawaii and would never contact me again. I would be hurt and sad but I'd know he was somewhere safe and happy if he were simply moving somewhere and leaving me behind. It's only logical that death would hurt more. But grief is emotional, not logical.

It may be that the particular person doesn't believe Heaven is real so they have the exact same pain an atheist feels when someone dies and they grieve the total nonexistence of their loved one. It may be they are afraid their loved on is in Hell being tortured. It may be that the feel they are going to Hell and will never see their loved one again, plus they are reminded of their own mortality at the same time. It may be that separation is a more intense pain for religious people than for atheists. Maybe a friend or relative cutting off contact would be just as painful as a death to a religious person. As atheists, we don't know.

We don't know why religious people don't get the amount of comfort from belief in God and Heaven that it logically seems they should. And, when someone we care about is experiencing grief, we ought not to speculate on it. Just accept it. Just accept that, for some reason, death is just as painful when one believes in an afterlife as it is when one does not. Delving into the reason will only cause pain.