Dealing with Difficult People ...

Ever had an outburst like that? Or maybe the submissive:
'Oh, alright then. Whatever.'

Then afterwards you wonder why you feel put upon, or maybe even disappointed that you didn't stick to you guns a bit more?

It's your child ego state at work. All those comments you heard and learned as a child, it's like an old crackly audio tape that sets off playing every now and again.

There are times when it is really healthy to tune in to your inner child - this is often where we are when we are being creative, having fun and being spontaneous.

Then there are other times when it's not so healthy... I've got a 5 year-old who pouts and dramatises so much it's hilarious - yet I've seen not dissimilar behaviour in many a boardroom! Perhaps there's a very paternalistic boss who likes to speak over people and uses lots of words like 'should' and 'must'; in a subtle shift, we find ourselves prickling at his/her approach and feeling rebellious. If he's being the parent, we're going to be the children. Sound familiar?

I remember a wonderful example from a training course I gave many years ago in New Zealand. I had a great relationship with the client, who happened to be the manager of the group I was to train as project managers. On the day of the course he joined the group as 'one of them' and proceeded to rebel against me. He was like a naughty schoolboy, rebelling against his perception of my perceived authority. It was crazy! Quite hilarious in hindsight. His behaviour was really out of character, because he was used to being the leader. (in fact I think he relished the opportunity to be just part of the group for once and hand over the reins to me for the day!)

There was something strange at play, and in recent years I've come to understand what it was. This is the depth and power of transactional analysis. We get into subtle, generally unconscious, games with people. If I'm the parent, you'll either pair up with me as another critical parent (oh, isn't the weather awful? gosh, I can't believe Jim still hasn't got that report finished ...)or perhaps you'll rebel against me using your child ego.

The adult ego state is the cool voice of reason. Logic, analysis, information and calm decision-making. I'll let you into a secret - if someone is trying to bash you (figuratively!) with their parent ego, just stick to your adult ego and eventually they'll give up their game and join you. It's irresistible (Unless you're my 5 year old...)

This stuff absolutely intrigues me! I could go on for ages about it - but before i do, I'd love to know if you wonderful people will find it interesting or not. Please leave me a note in the guestbook (and a ranking if you'd be so kind) to say if you'd like to hear more.
Thanks!

The Drama Triangle is something that you've probably experienced a hundred times, to varying degrees. It can be a subtle shift in conversation and you can't quite put your finger on it ... but afterwards you know you've somehow come out worse ...

Let me explain. Sometimes when people want something they play games. One popular game is shown below, starting with the Mary playing the Victim. For example:

'Oh, Fred, you're SO good at writing and I'm so dreadful... I just don't know how I'll ever make sense of this report/essay/whatever'

Unless Fred is superhuman (and super transactionally aware!) he'll gladly mount his valient steed and come galloping to the rescue - The Rescuer:

'That's OK Mary, let me do it for you. I'm busy but I'm sure I can squeeze it in just this once'

'Oh thank you so so much, that's brilliant! you're wonderful, thank you.'

So far so good. However, it seems that Mary doesn't really like playing the victim (yes, even though she chose it for her own reasons in this instance) so she feels the need to get even. Talking to their boss later, she becomes The Persecutor:

'I'm sorry Jane, with that special assignment I'm busy with, I thought I'd give the report to Fred to do. I guess he just wasn't up to the task, I can't believe all those silly mistakes he made.'

Ouch.

(This game was named by Eric Berne as 'NIGYYSOB' - 'Now I've Got You, You S.O.B' appropriate huh?!)

The drama triangle is this subtle (or sometimes really not so subtle!) interplay between the three roles of Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. In each role it is clear that someone is seeing themselves or the other party (or both) as Not OK. In the example above it started with the Victim pretending she's Not OK, though actually it can start anywhere on the triangle.

The victim role (in TA terms) is the Negative Adapted Child. People can play this role, as above, for their own purposes; however people can also feel pushed into this role by the actions of others.

If you feel this might apply to you, and perhaps others are used to having you in that role, do read up on TA and learn to manage your ego state. You do have a choice. If you stay in Adult (logical, factual etc) then the person who is trying to persecute you from their (Negative Controlling) Parent will eventually come to the Adult ego state as well.

If you don't react as they wish, they will have to try another tack. I sometimes think of the TA games people play as being a bit like tennis - if you don't pick up the racket, they can't play the game!

Many old-fashioned managers take this Controlling Parent approach, perhaps it's all they've experienced or perhaps it's the pervading culture of the organisation. If that's the situation in which you find yourself, a dose of TA will help you no end! Try one of the books in my Amazon link below.

In the workplace it is transformational when managers relate to their teams on an adult to adult level, trusting and supporting their people to do thie best work - rather than manipulating or bullying them into it. The inspirational leaders that I've known have all had this in common, they've certainly had high expectations from their teams, yet they've communicated this with trust and support rather than through fear or negative emotions.

If it all sounds very unhealthy to you, you'll be glad to hear that there is a Healthy Triangle as well.

In these roles we maintain the vital belief that I am OK, and so are you. I can share my problems and ask for help (directly, without manipulation) and you can respond. We can each be confident and strong without being a persecutor - the 3 roles are: Volunteering Vulnerability, Responsive, Potent.

As you can imagine, the Healthy Triangle is a much nicer place to be!

On a serious note, if you're experiencing bullying at home or work please consider working with a therapist trained in Transactional Analysis. They will help you manage the situation and move safely into the adult ego state.

Finally, although I talk a lot about staying in the adult ego state, please don't feel you 'should' be in this ego state 24/7. Your free child is vital for creativity and having fun, relating emotionally to those around you. Your parent ego state is also important, creating values and rules by which you live your life - plus we can really bond our critical parent egos together in the 'Ain't it Awful?' game ('can you believe the weather we're having? Isn't it dreadful' 'Oh, the youth of today ...' etc etc, you get the idea!).

My key message is simply to be aware of your ego states and be conscious of your choices as far as you can. Being in control of yourself in this way can give you helpful insights and lead to greater intimacy with others. Playing games reduces real intimacy, staying in the Healthy Triangle increases it.

Let me know what you think, and I'd really love to know the effect this knowledge has for you, if any.

A coaching client of mine (a senior manager) described her new-found knowledge of TA from our work together as follows:

'It's like you've lifted a veil up, I can see things how they really are, it's so clear. I've got a detachment from the emotion now and I can manage the situation so much better - I see where I was being manipulated and I know how to stop the game. Thank you.'

That's the kind of feedback that makes it all worthwhile!

Wishing you every success,
Jo

www.catalyst-pm.co.uk