How To Be Horrible And Take Over the Underworld In Order To Find Your Snippish Girl In 90 Days, By Faith

So you've decided to get serious about being horrible and taking over the underworld to find your snippish girl. But you don't have a clue how. That's okay. Because part of being horrible is that you always have a plan. And do it by faith because mummy said so. "Sure," you might say, "But why would God care about my plans to be horrible and take over the underworld?"

Well isn't that presumptuous!! How do you know? Did you ever bother to ask? I thought so!! Maybe He's been sitting around, thinking, "I wonder when someone will ask me to help them be horrible and overthrow the underworld?"

You must be more open-minded, or you'll never come up with the kind of intricate, brilliant plans that can confound mob leaders with limited but exquisitely applied resources!!!!

First, of course, you need to establish your identity. Are you a disgruntled curio cabinet repairman? A Jester who lost his favorite socks to the mob? Or someone like me, who had an unfortunate resemblance to a weasel due to a stray basketball as a child? Well what are you going to do about it? Are you just going to sit around and be "that weasel guy", or become "The Horrible Insane Weasel" and use that weakness as the defining mark that strikes terror into the heart of underworld bosses who usually use hundred dollar bills for macrame projects??

Maybe you kind of wobble as you walk about. It looks stupid. Just think, with a little practice, that wobble could become the edgy saunter of your new identity as "The Terrible Top" or something, a faceless nobody who will soon take over the underworld!!

Of course, once you find your true identity, you'll need to find a subtle way of making sure that underworld kingpins will know it's YOU that has walked in on their board meeting. A simple augmentation of your defining characteristic will work. I usually paint my buck teeth with zinc oxide and shuffle about in a weasley, dangerous looking way, as if I'm about to do something random at any moment. This alone is usually enough to get a stuffed mob boss to clench his cigar a little more nervously.

Try different looks. See what works. Simple is usually best. If you need help, hey, leave a comment for the other readers.

First, you must establish a regimen of work and planning. You can't expect to be in shape when you meet up with the first real fat cat and his goons if you spent all day watching cable!!! Anything in life worth having will take hard work and sacrifice, even being a weasel or "The Curio Catastrophe" or whatever your name now is.

Work on your skills. For example, if you are "The Curio Catastrophe", you would of course continue repairing curio cabinets. But you should add a little flair to it, such as learning how to drill a 4.5 mm hole into a mob boss's table quickly, attach the steel mesh and wing nut, and then flip it up to use as a shield against the impending bullets. Also you should have some witty, offhand things to say, like, "It's rather CURIOUS how you sit there like a member of the CABINET!!! Maybe I could REPAIR this table for you!!!"

Also it is good to learn how to flip off of walls and stuff, but not mandatory.

Also you should make some intricate, multi-level plans to get the first mob boss to join your side. If you can find some lowlifes who will help you at this point, that's great, but it isn't always needed at first. If you got God Almighty to join your plan then that's always a huge plus of course, for obvious reasons. Just be sure not to steal, kill, or be horrible in those kinds of ways while carrying out the plans or He will probably be upset about it. However if you need to "borrow" a mobster's AK-47 in order to break the bulletproof glass and jump three stories into a trash bin while carrying the access code to their underground bunker, that is okay.

So it's time to showdown with the first mob leader. Probably a low-level one at this point. Be sure to review your checklist beforehand, or don't, if your special identity calls for reckless stupidity.

Well don't just sit here reading, go to it, and then come back!!!

Congratulations!!! You've just taken down the first mob boss, who is now on your team. Assuming you're reading this, of course, otherwise you've been captured and can't read it because you're stuffed in a burlap sack. In this case always carry a fish gutting key in your teeth. I probably should've told you that before you left, but now it's too late. Oh well.

It is now time to get another one to join, this time someone more impressive and visible. Remember to learn from your first mistakes, and stick to your regimen!! Don't get sloppy now!! And if you get discouraged, then just think of your snippish girl and how she used to throw marbles at you in third grade before life became gritty and impossible. If you have to walk around and mumble about how wonderful your favorite socks were before the mob stole them, that will help too. Just be sure to practice your wobbly saunter while you do it.

The first mob boss should be let in on key details at this point, assuming that he's pretty much terrified of your curio repair skills and thinks it's safer with you. However the main points are still your own responsibility. If he has a problem with being horrible and taking over the rest of the underworld by faith, then remind him that his mummy is watching him from the great beyond and would be proud to see her little mobster listen to her advice for once. Then whip out your drill and put some studs in the wall and he should be bawling and ready to cooperate by then.

Be sure to ask God Almighty what he thinks at this stage also because he might have some good ideas stored up from the last infinity years of no one asking him for advice about this stuff. Won't hurt to try.

What can I say? It's time to achieve some Underworld Cred. (Cred is for credentials, the state of being perceived as legitimate and worthy of respect, etc.) Sure you've taken over some impressive thugs. But so have a lot of others before.

At this point, you need to change tactics a little bit. Instead of waltzing into a hostile place and having to ramble loudly about your plans and repeatedly give your alias (in case they forgot because that's bad for your creds), you should instead assume that everyone knows you're bad news and act appropriately. If you wobble, wobble with more assurance and unsteadiness. But remember to keep your basic "outsider" status and let them know that they're not dealing with run-of-the-mill opposition here. You're not part of the underworld, just happen to be taking it over in order to find your snippish girl in 90 days, by faith.

Also, you should have some better comments to throw around, things like, "Do you know where I got these buckteeth from?" When they start twitching involuntarily, that's a good time to discuss joining your side.

Also if the mob took your favorite socks once, always leave a sock behind. Or a marble, or a dented curio cabinet. A calling card of such sort can be good.

At this point it's time to stop mucking around. The underworld still has your snippish girl and by this time she's probably in a worse mood than ever. But with careful detective work and a few well-placed socks, (or cat's eye marbles, or curio tools) you should get the underworld leaders to squeal like a hogpen full of day old piglets.

Congratulations!! You've found your snippish girl by taking over the underworld. Now you know you can do it, and the world is a better place for it.