Love Shouldn't Hurt

*They speak disrespectfully about their former partners

If your partner has a difficult time accepting responsibility for what went wrong in previous relationships, calling their ex names, or constantly blaming the other party for everything negative in the relationship, how will they react if things go sour in their current relationship? Do they call their ex derogatory names, or attack their character?

*They are disrespectful toward you.

If your partner puts down your opinions, or makes you feel like your opinion is not valid if different from theirs, this is a sign that your partner does not value what makes you unique. It may also mean that they wish to have direct control over what you think, say and feel.

*They do favors for you that you don't want or put on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.

Many times when someone does something extravagant and unexpected early on in a relationship (expensive jewelry, paying rent, bills, etc), they may be doing this as a means to control you later on, or prove their value as a potential partner. For example; if they treat you unkindly, call you a derogatory name, or disrespect you in any manner, this show of generosity may be used as a means to redeem themselves later. "I can't be a bad boyfriend, look at all of the wonderful things I have done for you and all of the ways I have taken care of you". Money isn't everything.

*They are controlling.

This often begins in subtle ways; negative comments about your friends or family, pressuring you to spend more time with them, impatient when you don't share their opinions or take their advice. They may also feel that they are to be consulted about your comings and goings, or become easily frustrated if you don't text or call them right back. They may question your loyalty and your dedication to the relationship as a means to get you to check in more regularly. You may feel isolated and spend less time doing things you love to avoid getting into an argument or altercation with your partner.

*Their possessiveness masquerades as love. "I just can't stand thinking of you with another partner"

Jealousy is a normal human emotion. We all feel jealous from time to time. What matters is what you do with it and how you react to it. Many people think that if their partner is openly flirting with someone, than the natural course of action is to do it back to them so that they can feel jealousy in return. Do we ever want that for someone we love? Talk to the person about how their actions made you feel and see how they respond. Do they respond by respecting your reaction and trying to change their behavior? Think about your own reaction as well...

*Nothing is ever their fault or they are very self-centered.

If they have a hard time accepting responsibility for anything, then how can you ever compromise a dispute? Does your partner find a way to make everything bad that happens to him or her, your fault somehow?

*They use/abuse drugs or alcohol.

Substances do not cause abuse, but they do go hand in hand. When our brains are chemically altered, we are much more likely to have an emotional reaction, rather than a logical reaction. In other words it's easier to abuse, both physically and verbally.

*They pressure you for sex or want a "playful" use of force in sex.

Sexual aggression is not healthy. Period. Consent in a sexual relationship is vital. In a world where one in 4 girls will be sexually assaulted or the victim of intimate partner violence, we need to spread the message to everyone that our bodies belong to us. Permission and respect does not go out of the window once you are in a committed relationship.

*They get serious too quickly about the relationship.

Are they trying to create an emotion bond before you can assess their character? If they tell you that they cannot live without you after week one, they may be trying to get you to fall in love with them before you really know what they are all about. They might also need a kitten or a puppy.

*They intimidate you when they are angry

Do they get too close to you when they are angry? Do they poke, push, put fingers in your face, raise their fist, shout, put you down, make you feel afraid? Do they corner you so that you feel trapped, or punch the wall next to your head? This is just as emotionally damaging as someone hitting you. Many victims of abuse find it to be worse. After enough intimidation many victims find themselves not wanting to argue back, giving in to the abusers demands to avoid any type of altercation. This greatly diminishes your power in any relationship. Compromise is a huge part of love.

*They have double standards.

Men have negative attitudes towards women and vice versa. It may be perfectly fine for them to go out until 3:00am, but if you were to even dream of doing this, trouble would be sure to follow.

As a woman, I have heard so many young ladies tell me that they feel that the "power of their love", can change a man. Girls saying things like 'I like the bad boys", or "I like to tame them" are all to common in high schools and college campuses and let's face it... with adult women too. The only one who you can change... is you. The fact of the matter is that if they are disrespectful to you on day 3, they will be disrespectful on day 300.

***No one deserves to be hurt. If someone is hurting you physically, mentally, or otherwise, please know that you do not deserve it, no matter what decisions you have made. It is never your fault. Please get help.***

National Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Rape Abuse & Incest National Network: 1-800-656-HOPE

So now, we know what some of the potential warning signs of an abuser. But what happens if there are none of these signs, or we let some of these things slip by and keep this person in our lives (let's face it... it happens, we're suckers for love). It's important to know what one of these very unhealthy relationships might look like from the inside. Someone having power over your life and decisions can be really scary on many different levels.

If anyone has ever been bullied at school when you were young, you know the feeling I'm talking about; the feeling of peeking around the corner to see if the person who torments you on a daily basis is there, waiting. Are they in a good mood today? Maybe they're feeling charitable and will let you squeeze by without getting noticed. Maybe they won't tell me how worthless and fat I am today. The difference, of course, is that you are being bullied by someone who is supposed to respect, protect and love you.

So here are some of the ways that people can control, manipulate, and hold power over someone else: whether you are man OR a woman, gay OR straight.

*They violate your personal boundaries.*

We all have boundaries that we have made for ourselves over the years. For example, in my relationships I really don't mind if my partner digs through my purse to find something (if I direct him there or if he asks), but what I DO mind is my partner casually going through my text messages, e-mails or Facebook messages without my permission. This is a pretty mild example, but you catch my drift. Some more extreme examples would be refusing to stop wrestling around or tickling if you ask them to stop. Your body belongs to YOU. If you say stop they must stop.; whether it's tickling, kissing, unwanted touches, or sex. Yes, men are able to stop having sex, mid-coitus.

When we let someone push past a personal boundary, we have told them (in not so many words), that what they are doing is okay, and they may continue. We teach people every day how to treat us.

*They limit your independence.*

It's pretty sneaky, this one. It's not one of those things where your partner stands up at the top of the stairs shouting down, "You are forbidden from seeing your best friend, Janine!"

This is gradual... maybe making casual comments that they think Janine is a bad influence and drinks too much, they prefer you in less makeup, or they don't like when you wear low cut shirts/muscle t-shirts. If you do not acquiesce to their hidden demands they may pick a fight. Every. Time. What we learn is that wearing more makeup = fight with partner. So what do we do? Wear less makeup, right? Wrong. What have we taught them? That manipulation and angry words are enough to make YOU do what THEY want.

*They degrade and humiliate.*

If your partner does this, even in jest, it tears at your self esteem. Adding a smiley face or a "haha" to the end of a cruel comment, doesn't make it okay. Grabbing your intimate areas, in front of another person or a group of people isn't cute. It's a show of ownership and is also humiliating. This is intentional and in ALL ways, unacceptable.

*They isolate you.*

From friends, family, people you love, your job, sports, the arts, etc. When you live a full life and have people that you love, a perpetrator may feel that these positive things are detracting from all of the time that could be spent with them. Don't give those things up for anyone. They make you who you are; they make you interesting and wonderful.

*They might threaten or intimidate you.*

Walking along the halls in area high schools doing presentations, every once in a while I notice a young couple in an argument. One person is standing with their back against a wall and the other is leaned in, with their hands on either side of that person, blocking them in. I've seen walls punched, things thrown, cell phones launched at heads. All of these things send the strong message, "I could hurt you if I wanted to".
This is meant to scare you into submission, is it not? You are NOT responsible for fixing anything, be it your partner or the relationship. That takes two. Violence is never okay, no matter how it is explained away.