TEMPLE OF TOOTHPASTE

1. It was invented more than 4,000 years ago (by someone who thought it was a good idea at the time.)

2. Until the mid-nineteenth century, toothpaste contained ingredients that would scare the pants off most people.

3. The Americans claimed that in 1850, a dentist by the name of Washington Wentworth Sheffield, living in New London, Connecticut created "Creme Dentifrice", but his son who studied in France, figured out it would be handier to stuff it into a tube.

4. It wasn't until 1946 that cavity-fighters discovered that "fluoride" could be added not to mention an artificial sweetener-free toothpaste to make it palatable for a very picky public.

5. After complaints from consumers about gnarled fingers from rolling up too many toothpaste tubes, manufacturers in the 1980s came up with solution...the toothpaste pump, and later the "stand-up" toothpaste tube (which incidentally will never dissolve in the municipal landfill).

American scientists and sociologists have discovered that while toothpaste is great for cleaning teeth, it has some deleterious side-effects.

1. Brushing one's teeth is often a lonely vigil, (in fact over a lifetime, one spends approximately 3.6 months cleaning one's pearly whites and in the case of obsessive-compulsive types may add another 10 years of time-wasting teeth cleaning), all of which may hinder one's ability to bond with others around a campfire (significantly reducing one's chances of promotion any time soon) or restrain comfortable dinner table conversation since queazy feelings in the stomach more often than not causes frequent trips to the loo (and not a hope in heck of winning the golden key to the executive washroom).

2. Failing to clean the toothpaste tube after use and leaving to the toothpaste tube cap off not only causes an unsightly gooey if not hardened mess that in turn will inflame passions by ending years of marital bliss by putting the "War of Roses" to shame; (all of which is why one should avoid this toothpaste tort if at all possible).

3. Frequent teeth-cleaning will do nothing to sharpen one's incisors nor will it enhance one's marbles (mental floss is the only known filament to remove bad attitudes and ideas which threaten to pollute the plaque-fighting planet). Furthermore, excessive peering into the mirror can lead to nasty narcisstic notions and supercillious self-aggrandizement resulting in a precipitous decline in friends or acquaintances or worse yet sand fights that may escalate in gang-violence if not social unrest.

Life Lesson 43: A healthy happy depends on how long how long you spend washing your teeth, cleaning up after yourself, and staring at yourself in the mirror.

"A good friend - like a tube of toothpaste - comes through in a tight squeeze." -- Anonymous

"I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?" -- Carol Burnett, American comedian

"Also new at Phillips is 'Crooked Tooth Pumpkin Ale'...it has a lot of real pumpkin in the beer, along with traditional pumpkin pie spices." -- John Rowling, Celebrator Beer News Magazine

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue." -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), American writer and critic

"Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occured to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British author, philosopher, and political activist

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath." -- Dave Barry, American writer and humorist

"If you can sell green toothpaste in this country, you can sell opera." Sarah Caldwell (1924-2006), American opera conductor, impresario, and opera company director

"Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it is awfully hard to get it back in." H. R. Haldeman (1926-1963), American politician and Watergate co-conspirator

"We are beer market specialists, that is all we focus on. We don't do dog food or toothpaste - just beer." Nicola Pressnell, Operation's Director, Plato Logic

Toothpaste has been the subject of many conversations, some quite profound, others rather piffling as seen below.

"Miss Garland's figure resembles the giant-economy-size tube of toothpaste in girls' bathrooms: squeezed intemperately at all points, it acquires a shape that defies definition by the most resourceful solid geometrician." -- Sir John Simon (1816-1904), English Physician

"Start the day with GLEEM, the toothpaste for people who can't brush after every meal." -- Tagline for Gleem toothpaste

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." -- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), American humorist

"Clear Channel is in the business of selling Fords, burgers and toothpaste." -- Lowry Mays, President of Clear Channel Radio in the U.S.

"Brush your teeth with the best toothpaste. Then rinse your mouth with industrial waste." -- Tom Lehrer, American singer, songwriter and Harvard University mathematician.

Who knew that such titillating taglines could sell a tiny tube of toothpaste?

Who wouldn't want to be "pure" (and "white" as the driven snow), "clean" (as a whistle) and "fresh" (as a daisy ... on second thought, make that as "tasty" as a strawberry)?

"It cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth." Colgate toothpaste, 1945

"Look Ma, No cavities!" Crest toothpaste

"You'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent." Pepsodent toothpaste, 1953.

"Number 1. Recommended by Dentists." Colgate Total toothpaste

"Behold the Fountain of Youth." Metadent Replenishing White toothpaste

"Take the feeling of clean to the Extreme." Aquafresh Extreme Clean toothpaste

"Pure. Fresh. Clean." Colgate Oxygen toothpaste

"Sparkling White Vanilla Mint." Colgate toothpaste

"The toothpaste that kills germs for a cleaner, fresher mouth." Listerine

What I want to know is when will the titans of toothpaste team up with giants of grub and create a tangy toothpaste such as "Cheese Whiz Flavor..for Big Cheeses only."...they'd make a killing!!! Besides, not only would kids brush their teeth more often but, their ambitious parents would get a leg up on their corporate careers.

Dear Santa,

In the words of a much-loved monarch, this year has been my "anus horribulus".

Let's face it, what do you give a guy who's fallen flat on his face not to mention been smashed to smithereens by the full force of gravity?

While I might be tempted to ask for $20 million in damages from the shoddy makers of my golden parachute, but that would make me nothing but a spoiled, money-grubbing egghead in the eyes of children.

So, I've decided that all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. After much research, I really want those those sparkly, pearly white porcelain veneers that feel like natural chompers. That way I can achieve and maintain a healthy, beautiful smile, make a good first impression, and masticate upon that mischievous munchkin who pushed me off the wall!

Oh, and if it's not too much, don't forget to bring along that terrific Tooth Fairy to install them plus a handy-dandy box of Arm & Hammer Baking soda to clean them!

Yours truly,

Humpty Dumpty
Your Humble Head-Banger
(a.k.a. Toothless in Tumtum, Washington)

__________

Inserted Image: Courtesy of Talksrealfast's photostream on flickr.com