Writing Thank You Cards

Thank You cards seem like a thing of the past. After all, we can all remember being obligated to write them for distant grandparents: "Dear Grandma. Thank You for the itchy wool sweater. I will wear it. I hope you have fun. Love, Me."

But what about today? Is it really necessary to write thank you cards anymore? Will a phone call suffice? What about an email?

There are three great reasons to write thank you cards:
1. EVERYONE appreciates hearing "thank you." EVERY. ONE. Think about the last time someone said "thank you" to you and meant it. You probably felt terrific! For grandparents, aunts, and uncles who don't live nearby (and even those who do), that thank you card might be their main avenue into a kid's life-- and yours, too!

2. It's great to practice writing a card when you don't know what to say, particularly to a distant relative. However, breaking through that initial resistance usually results in a flood of words and thoughts to share.

3. It's an opportunity to be creative! Don't believe me? Keep reading-- the rest of this lens is dedicated to giving you some great ideas for writing thank you cards that might get a "thank you" in response!

Finally, a bonus reason: It lets the sender know you got it! If you don't say "thanks," then how, aside from package tracking, will they ever know you received their present?

A thank you note doesn't have to be a heartfelt confession of your undying love for the gift. It can be short and sweet:

"Dear Grandma,

Thank you so much for the sweater. It's my favorite color. For Christmas, Mom and Dad gave me a bike. I can't wait for the snow to melt it so I can ride it. I hope you had a good Christmas, too.

Love,
Me"

It can be long and heartfelt:
"Dear Jane,

Thank you so much for the Starbucks gift card-- it's perfect, though it makes me miss our Tuesday morning coffee klatches even more! Now that I live in Boston, I've tried to find someone to share a cuppa with, but it just isn't the same. I guess I just have a hard time making friends, and that makes me appreciate you even more. I hope you had a terrific holiday, and I'll see you the next time I'm in San Francisco.

Love,
Me."

A basic template for writing a thank you card, though, is this:

* Salutation ("Dear grandma,")
* Thank them for the gift. ("Thank you for the blue sweater.")
* Acknowledge that the gift is somehow appropriate for you. ("It gets so cold here, it's nice to have something warm!")
* Give them a glimpse into your life. It is not rude to mention someone else's gift ("Mom and Dad gave me a bike") or to talk about something that they're not involved with. In fact, the purpose of letters is to share something that the recipient would otherwise not see, hear, or do with you.
* Wish them well, or invite them to talk about their life ("I hope you had a pleasant holiday season." "How are you doing? I heard Cousin Mary visited-- did you have a nice time?")
* Closing ("Love, Me." "Happy New Year, Me.")

Thank you cards can also give a little pizazz, a little extra something to your recipient. Whether you hand make your cards, collage them with the Sunday comics, or just use a colorful sticker on the envelope to say "Hi," you can give your letter a little extra oomph and sprakle.

If you're having your kids write their thank you cards, give them a box of markers or crayons and some construction paper. Tell them the card needs to be the size of a greeting card, and then let their creativity loose.

TIP: You can buy greeting card sized envelopes at office supply stores, so you don't even have to waste a card.

If you're a busy person, invest in a half dozen pretty rubber stamps and some colorful ink pads. It takes very little time to stamp the outside of a card and handwrite the interior.

You can even send a postcard for your thank you card. The contents of a thank you card are usually less than 2 paragraphs in length-- just enough to fill a postcard. It's a great way to use up picture postcards from travel, or you can often find inexpensive postcards locally or in book stores. And, of course, if you let your inner artist out to play, you can always make your own post cards with some large index cards.

A 4" x 6" photo print is easy to make with an inkjet photo printer, and it's the same size as a post card. Use a permanent pen to write your message and the recipient's address on the back.

TIP: The post office puts a mailing sticker in the lower edge of all post cards. Don't write in the bottom 1/2 inch margin.

There are a few things, a very few things, that you can write in a thank you card that just aren't right. These are the "don'ts" of Thank You card writing:

* Don't say you didn't like the gift.
* Don't mention re-gifting it (unless the giver will completely understand. And is a relative of yours. And you know the original gift was a re-gift, too.)
* Don't mention that you already have one unless it's an item that duplicates well (like a $20 bill).
* Don't say you're going to return it and get something you really wanted.
* Don't offer "helpful" advice related to the gift.
* Don't mention the fact that the giver has never once sent you a thank you note.
* Don't mention the fact that the giver spent $10 on your gift, and you easily spent $80 on theirs. If you didn't want to spend $80, you shouldn't have spent it.
* Don't wait to send your thank you cards. For weddings and baby gifts, etiquette says you have up to a year to give a gift, and up to a year to send a thank you card. For holidays and birthdays, send the Thank You card before the end of the next month.
* Don't forget what gift they gave you! If you do forget, say "thank you for the gift" but don't say what it was.
* Don't neglect to write Thank You cards for gifts of money, gift certificates, and services. If a friend takes you out as their birthday gift to you, send them a thank you card. Thank you cards for gifts of money and gift certificates are easiest to write, because you already have something you can say about the gift: "Thank you for the gift certificate. I'm going to save it and use it on an iPod."

Ah, yes. There it is. The unwanted present. It's the ugly dust collector vase. Or the box of soap you know has been in the giver's bathroom drawer for ten years. Or it's a pound of chocolate-- and you're diabetic.

Whatever it is, it isn't the right gift for you. You have nothing nice to say about it. Do you say anything at all?

Unfortunately, here's where two etiquette rules collide: You must send a thank you card, but you must not say something un-nice.

More complicated is the fact that, by and large, these kinds of gifts are given by people with whom we do not have a very good relationship. The year-old bridge mix from a new co-worker whom you'd never met before. The bottle of wine given to relatives who aren't local enough for you to know they don't drink.

How to proceed?

First, take out your Thank You card template. The line where you comment on the gift's appropriateness? Take your pen and scratch it out. Don't use that line. Proceed.

Really, it is that easy. You do not have to comment on the gift itself. You received it, and you acknowledged that receipt. Chances are, if they get another bridge mix this year, you'll be seeing it again next year, but bad gifts are a fact of life. They can be re-gifted if they're not truly awful, or they can be disposed of.

Many people wonder how to subtly tell the person that their gift is unwanted. You can do this by either establishing a better relationship with the person, or by letting a mutual friend pass it on. Or you can drop heavy hints. If you don't want to do any of these, and instead you want to scale back on all gift-exchanging with the sender, give them a charitable donation in their name to a charity that you love. It's a virtual guarantee that the following year, they won't bother with putting anything tangible under the tree for you.

Need more help? Here's another template:

"Dear Aunt Sally,

Thank you for the parka.

Our Miami weather this winter has been delightfully warm. Jake and I went swimming last Sunday with the kids. We're spending New Years on the Keys.

How was your holiday? Did you see Cousin Martha? Give our love to Uncle Ted, and all the best wishes for the new year.

Love,
Me."

Yes, a parka in Miami isn't the most practical gift. And it probably ended up at the Salvation Army. But here's a good example of stating your thanks, and just moving on to another subject, inviting Aunt Sally to have a glimpse into your life and see what it's like for you and your family.