Hello and welcome to The Best Funny Drinking Quotes!
We tried hard to find the best funny drinking quotes out there. If we missed something good, I assure you we want to know about it. Please leave us a message in the guestbook or a comment below and send it our way so that we can add it to the page.
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We hope you enjoy! And remember..."A quote about drinking is a joy forever" --John Keats (sort of)
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution - to all of life's problems." --Homer Simpson
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." --Humphrey Bogart
"Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer." --Al Bundy, Married with Children
"Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out and then bring one every 10 minutes . . ." --Thornton Mellon, Back to School
"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." --Dean Vernon Wormer, Animal House
"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily." --Bluto, Animal House
--Homer: "No TV and no beer make Homer something something."
--Marge: "Go crazy?'
--Homer: "Don't mind if I do!"
"I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody." --Hawkeye from M*A*S*H
"Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey." --Pappy from Maverick
"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. " --Dean Martin
"I don't care how liberated this world becomes, a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume, and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not. " --Doug Coughlin from Cocktail
"The luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got. " --Doug Coughlin from Cocktail
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer. " --Arnold Schwarzenegger
"God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world. " --Ed McMahon
"I like my whiskey old and my women young. " --Errol Flynn
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy." --Frank Sinatra
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra
"I'm gonna drink you pretty."--The Beat Farmers
"Jim Beam's giving me the right to be wrong."--The Beat Farmers
"I'm getting drunk, with or without you. "--The Beat Farmers
"I like beer 'cos it is good
I drink beer because I should
If there was a song to sing
I sing it and beer you bring" --Psychostick
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." --Frank Zappa
"On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word. On other days, the liqour store is closed." --Frank Varano
"Well I got a bad liver and broken heart,
I drunk me a river since you tore me apart
And I don't have a drinking problem, 'cept when I can't get a drink..." --Tom Waits
"If I have one, I'll have thirteen. No, there ain't no in-betwee. Cuz the more I drink, the more I drink, the more I drink." --Blake Shelton
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks." --Joe E. Lewis
"Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you." --Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer
"You're pretty when I'm drunk." --The Bloodhound Gang
"What's made Milwaukee famous has made a loser out of me." --Glenn Sutton
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." --David Lee Roth
"I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver." --Phil Harris
"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up." --Dean Martin
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." --Dean Martin
"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold." --Jerry Vale
"Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart, my grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on." --The Dave Matthews Band
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." --Dylan Thomas
"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning." --Celia Rivenbark
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. " --Ernest Hemingway
"Any man who eats dessert is not drinking enough." --Ernest Hemingway
"I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it." --Raymond Chandler
"Then trust me, there's nothing like drinking. So pleasant this side of the grave; it keeps the unhappy from thinking and makes even the valiant more brave. " --Charles Didbin
"I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not." --Brendan Behan
"I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me." --Brendan Behan
"I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started." --Brendan Behan
"I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."--Noel Coward
"Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into." --Don Marquis
"There is nothing for a case of nerves like a case of beer." --Joan Goldstein
"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer." --Henry Lawson
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." --Hunter S. Thompson
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one."--George Bernard Shaw
"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."--George Bernard Shaw
"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough."--Mark Twain
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."--Mark Twain
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." --Clement Freud
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. " --Robert A. Heinlein
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. " --Catherine Zandonella
"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. " --Robert Benchley
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. " --Dave Barry
"There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. " --John Ciandi
"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober. " --William Butler Yeats
"When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place."--Jimmy Breslin
"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony."--Robert Benchley
"For a quart of ale is a dish for a king."--William Shakespeare
"There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink."--Oscar Wilde
"Three be the things I shall never attain: envy, content and sufficient Champagne."--Dorothy Parker
"A statesman is an easy man, he tells his lies by rote.
A journalist invents his lies, and rams them down your throat.
So stay at home and drink your beer and let the neighbors vote."--
William Butler Yeats
"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."--Ambrose Bierce
"I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books."--P.J. O'Rourke
"Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life."--F. Scott Fitzgerald
"I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of Communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working."--Dave Berry
"Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living."--Jean Kerr
"The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol."--Mignon McLaughlin
"Wine gives a man nothing it only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost."--Samuel Johnson
"I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again."--Charles Bukowski
"Ho! Ho! Ho! To the bottle I go
To heal my heart and drown my woe
Rain may fall, and wind may blow
And many miles be still to go
But under a tall tree will I lie
And let the clouds go sailing by"--J.R.R. Tolkien
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin
"I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me." --Benjamin Franklin
"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria." --Benjamin Franklin
"There can't be good living where there is not good drinking." --Benjamin Franklin
Lady Astor: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
"An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer." --Confucius
"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts...and beer." --Abraham Lincoln
"Wine is sunlight, held together by water." --Galileo
"The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer." --Ancient Egyption Proverb, 2200 B.C
"He was a wise man who invented beer." --Plato
"No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer." --John Churchill
"There may be a few good men who don't drink, but they've got to prove it." --Col. Lincoln Karmany, USMC
"Protocol, alcohol, and Geritol"--Adlai E. Stevenson
"Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepted thy works."--Ecclesiastes 9. 7 - The Bible
"An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor. "--Dr. Alvan L. Barach
"It is better to think of church in the ale-house than to think of the ale-house in church. "--Martin Luther
"Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep. Whoever sleeps long, does not sin. Whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer! "--Martin Luther
"From man's sweat and God's love, beer came into the world. "--Saint Arnoldus
"I drink Champagne when I win, to celebrate...and I drink Champagne when I lose, to console myself. "--Napoleon Bonaparte
"Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it." --Winston Churchill
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" --Stephen Wright
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." --Henny Youngman
"A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." " --Henny Youngman
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." --Henny Youngman
"Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down." --Phyllis Diller
"My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago."--George Gobel
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." --George Burns
"I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety."--Richard Pryor
"I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on."--Oscar Levant
"If you don't drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, -And then I go home-."--Jim Jefferies
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."--Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."--Rodney Dangerfield
"I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite. "--Bette Midler
"I drink to forget I drink. "--Joe E. Lewis
"The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism. "--Norman Brenner
"I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served. "--George Gobel
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "--Joe E. Lewis
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carrey
"There are two kinds of people I don't trust. People who don't drink and people who collect stickers."--Chelsea Handler
"A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her."
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
"I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."
"Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got."
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
"I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know."
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar."
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
"Candy Is dandy, But liquor Is quicker." --Ogden Nash
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --Jack Handey
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. So when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
The human brain works that way too. It only operates as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. So, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."--Cliff Clavin from Cheers
"And God said, 'Let there be vodka!' and He saw that it was good. Then God said, 'Let there be light!'. And then He said, 'Whoa - too much light." --Unknown jokester
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." --Oscar Wilde
"Drink today, and drown all sorrow; You shall perhaps not do it tomorrow; Best, while you have it, use your breath; There is no drinking after death"--Ben Jonson
"I am the last barman poet. I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make. Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake. The sex on the beach. The schnapps made from peach. The velvet hammer. The Alabama slammer. I make things with juice and froth. The pink squirrel. The three-toed sloth. I make drinks so sweet and snazzy. The iced tea. The kamakazi. The orgasm. The death spasm. The Singapore sling. The dingaling. America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got. But if you want to got loaded...Why don't you just order a shot? Bar is open!"--Brian Flanagan from Cocktail
"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host." "--Dorothy Parker
"To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a support group."--Leo Durocher
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder." --Unknown Author
"If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic." --Unknown Author
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered." --George Best
"Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work."--Will Rogers
"A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts." --Unknown Author
"Don't bother trying to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It turns out they're apparently against all three." --Wiley
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."--Alex Levine
"Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine."--Anonymous
"Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake tell my friends I drank it straight."--Unknown
"Being half drunk is just another way of saying -your almost there-." --Unknown Author
"Always remember: "I" before "E," except in Budweiser." --Unknown Author
"I don't always drink...but when I do it's every day." --Unknown Author