Each Caregiver has good experiences and bad... Special bonding time and times of fear, frustration, hurt... Times when incessant patient demands (of unnecessary things, and things the patient can do for himself), yelling interruptions, and insults make you want to scream... Times when you are hurting from the great sacrifice of effectively giving up your own life for this person, and you're met with lack of appreciation.

That's all you asked for... a little appreciation and kindness in return.

The patient is hurting, frustrated, probably scared, perhaps confused, and actually embarrassed by this dependent state whether he or she admits it verbally or not. He doesn't really mean to be so difficult, or to seem so unthankful. It's a time when the elderly parent is frequently self-absorbed and depressed, knowing he will never get better. It's sobering.

So caregiver stress can lead to caregiver burnout, caregiver depression, sometimes caregiver suicide.

No, it doesn't have to be that way. There are organizations and books that help.

And now there's a new video and illustrated book written by an experienced family caregiver, Terri Shearer, called "Caring For Your Loved One At Home". To my knowledge, it's the ONLY "how to" ebook and video of its kind to hand-hold the Caregiver in home health care through all the basics with checklists of considerations you might not even have thought about and resources you need.

To help you, the Caregiver, is also why Home Health Care Books will be bringing out more home health care, caregiver support, and disease-specific books, videos, articles, and blog posts on those health care and caregiver topics you ask about.

I had a preview of Caring For Your Loved One At Home and wish I had it several years ago to help me through my many caregiver challenges. I personally recommend it to anyone who is a family caregiver for its great home health care tips, caregiver training, checklists of legal and healthcare team and home preparation needs, resources for caregiver support, where to find home care equipment and adaptive devices, even 33 streaming video segments by an RN demonstrating home care procedures!

It impressed me so much that I created on "Ever" HomeHealthCareBooks.com - the Best Home Healthcare Ever.

[Adapted Thanksgiving Caregiver post from my heart on
Home Health Care Tips - Blog For The Caregiver]

Caregiver, Manager, Gal Friday ...

It began with Mama's care, keeping her home as long as possible with advanced dementia. But "Your Honor," my proud father, suffered multiple heart attacks, with congestive heart failure and failing kidneys. He wasted away more and more with each hospital visit, and ultimately needed in home health care 24/7.

It was heartbreaking to see his pain when Mama's dementia reached advanced stages, and it became impossible to continue caring for her safely at home. They had 63 years of an incredibly close marriage at that time, and Daddy cried out to the male nurse at the hospital: "This is the longest I've been away from Mama since World War II!"

Through all of this, I stayed with him in the hospital in Mama's place, cared for him when he went home, and started handling matters he had reserved for himself - such as estate planning matters. (Don't wait until you are almost 90 to do that!) Daddy's mind was quite alert until the end, but his body simply started falling apart... over time... over much caregiving time.

My sister was mostly tied up with a series of other caregiver duties in another town, including the rehabilitation of her mother-in-law after a stroke, and babysitting for her young granddaughter when her daughter-in-law almost died in childbirth with a premie. So it fell to me to essentially drop what I was doing in life and fill the necessary role of primary caregiver and coordinator of support caregivers for several years - Mama and then Daddy.

Coming from the corporate world, this was quite a new role - Home Health Caregiver and "Manager of House Staff" with all the clean-up, dressing, bathing, and home health care duties. But I was also Daddy's Chief Palace Cook (special diets), Laundress, Butler, Chauffeur, Purchasing Agent, Bookkeeper, Household Manger, Grounds Manager, Procurement Agent for presents, Christmas newsletter writer, emergency room all-night companion... You name it...

All while trying to support myself and my home in another town on my couple of "days off." But Daddy always came first. I corrected legal documents, did court filings, worked on his and Mama's affairs with an institutional investment firm, and located the official documents - trusts, powers of attorney, DNRs, cemetery lot deeds, property deeds, car and boat certificates of title, life insurance policies and such.

And what kind of thanks did I receive?

In his pain, frustration, and despair, Daddy was mostly cross and demanding. He started out by criticizing me disrespectfully for not doing something the way the visiting home nurse did - in front of her! - when it's her full time job and training. Hey! My background was with the men in the corporate world, so cut me some slack getting my feet wet in this strange domestic - medical environment.

I did this out of love, because Daddy needed me. But I can't say much for the thanks I got - mostly complaints and demands. He even fussed at me because of the way my hair looked one damp day - when caring for him meant I could not leave even long enough to get my hair cut for months on end!

Why am I sharing this?

Because none of it is uncommon.

It seems that everywhere I turn there is another family caregiver with a similar story... Stories of being yelled at or yelled for constantly... Stories of ridiculous demands, such as being called in the middle of the night for something unnecessary... Of interruptions when you're in the painstaking midst of checking and organizing myriad new prescriptions that could mean life and death, just to locate the TV controls he had a minute ago (and is now sitting on).

Sometimes for the weary Caregiver, it all seems so thankless... But is it really?

Our Caregiver rewards are intrinsic rewards - just knowing we did the best we could to help and to brighten those last days... knowing our loved one doesn't really mean the harsh or hurtful things. We keep our perspective. We lift our heads higher to maintain our own dignity. And we patiently and lovingly smile as we keep on keeping on.

Strength to keep on... That's sometimes a challenge for the family caregiver. As for me personally - I am thankful that I know a loving God who came to serve and to save, who strengthens and comforts me, holds me up when I know I would collapse otherwise, who is pleased when I show His love by serving others, and who blesses me with the gift of special moments.

Very special moments for which to be thankful... As Daddy lay dying, he struggled to whisper: "I'm so sorry to be putting you through this."

I could only respond truthfully, "Daddy, it's an honor and a privilege to be able to be here with you." Yes, I am thankful that I could divert these years to help him with Mama then to care for him, patiently to support and encourage, comfort and love him during this last time here.

Then those special one-on-one times of bonding with each Mama and Daddy... times I never would have had without being there day in and day out, for extended periods of time. Special, spontaneous moments of sharing hidden secrets, funny anecdotes, moving stories... We shared our lives in ways we never would have been able to do under other circumstances. We laughed, cried, and marveled... I am very, very thankful for that.

Surely you have your own stories, your own hurts, your own frustrations and feelings of ingratitude. But the loved one is really thankful for YOU, the Caregiver, too - even if unspoken. Just know it!

This Thanksgiving, my thanks are overflowing for another type of caregiver. I am thankful for my dear sister-in-law, a medical doctor who was so very good to Mama and Daddy, greatly loved and respected by each. When Mama lost the cognitive function of names, she called her "that wonderful girl." We knew who she meant! Daddy would just shake his head and say about my brother, "He sure was lucky to get that girl!"

And I was so moved soon after Daddy died when she asked me: "Did your father ever tell you how much you meant to him?... I don't know if he ever told you how much he appreciated you. But he told me, Maggie does so much for me. I don't know what I would do without her!"

So Daddy was thankful after all. I am thankful for that.

You are right. As caregiver for your loved one, you do not get much thanks. But there are so many dear moments. Those are what you need to hold on to.

When Grandmother barked at me, I reminded myself that she was in pain, and was angry because she could no longer do much for herself.

There are so many cruel and uncalled for moments, that you MUST hold onto those special ones. Be thankful for them. Otherwise, you won't be able to continue.

Remember that your loved one is no longer rational or comprehending basic things at this time. Your loved one doesn't want to take instructions from a caregiver, yet doesn't understand that the instructions are what they would have done themselves when mentally competent.

Take my grandmother for example. She would sometimes say: "You're not my granddaughter. My granddaughter wouldn't tell me what to do!"

As the professional caregivers consistently advise, you must make your loved one do things for himself or herself as long as possible. But don't be surprised when they get angry at your simple request that they do so.

Such as my grandmother. As I kept her water glass full, I asked her to pick it up during the day. She was able to do that for herself - But boy did it make her mad!

WE WANT YOU!

We want you to visit our blog and comment. But most of all, please

(a) tell us what concerns you most - what you want us to research and write about, and
(b) share with us your own UPLIFTING Caregiver stories - both caregivers for aging parents and caring for spouse, friend, or child.

We want to assemble and put up for others to see the SWEET times, the ENCOURAGING anecdotes, the SUPPORT that can only come from one Caregiver to another.

So if you want to share these, CONTACT ME as directed in the upper left.

Hey, if you want to write a Guest Blog Post for the Home Health Care Tips Blog, tell me through the CONTACT form Squidoo provides above. Send it along as a MSWord document attachment, and I'll look it over. If posted, it will give you attribution with your name and website, if you wish, or it can be anonymous. You choose. But together we'll encourage Caregivers everywhere!