The Lost Art of Conversation

Men in Conversation in Accettura Photographic Print
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The first thing you have to do is slow down and stay open to possibilities for good conversations. Sometimes the best conversations are the ones that happen spontaneously - over the fence with a neighbor, on an airplane with a complete stranger, taking the time for dinner with a special friend. Treat every person you encounter as your equal and as if they have something important to teach you. Each individual's world is limited and by sharing with each other, we expand our world just a little bit.

The key is to slow down and notice the possibilities that are always there. If you're always in a hurry, those moments will pass you by.

While volunteering at the Peace Learning Center in Indianapolis, I learned a fascinating exercise called Kanji (active) listening. There are five characters that make up the Japanese word "to listen." This symbol says that we must listen with our eyes (body language), ears (words), mind (think about what is being said), attention (focus) and, most importantly, heart (empathy).

The kids would learn how to respond to something using all five areas. For example, if a friend told them that their dog died, they would respond to the feelings expressed from the heart. Visit the Peace Learning Center's site to do some exercises on Kanji listening.

Can you imagine the great conversations we might have if we truly listened to each other?

The best conversations are when you are able to share the deepest part of yourself and know you will be heard. Having the courage to go deeper is the key to a great conversation. The other person realizes that you really want to have a meaningful conversation and that you are willing to be vulnerable. This gives them permission to do the same. Obviously this will only happen if both parties are willing, but sometimes it just needs one to extend the invitation.

The fruits of sharing our experiences at a deep level and being heard are many. These type of conversations bond us to one another in a very satisfying way.

Another key to great conversations is the openness you bring to it. Be curious about others and show your interest by asking questions. Being rigid in our thinking is not a path to well-being. Perhaps another person will help us to see something in an entirely new way. Rather than close down when someone says something that you disagree with, probe a little more. Ask them why they think a certain way. Of course, it has to be with an attitude of really wanting to know rather than trying to tear down their argument.

This openness to new ideas is what makes life exciting. We will never have it all figured out. There is always something new to learn.

No!! I'm not talking to you......, "I'm Having ... by tonniek
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Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Would you not want someone to do the same for you? Before forming judgments, reflect back what the person is saying. The best way to do this is to paraphrase what you heard and ask the person if this is what they meant. Let them know that you are honestly trying to understand what they are saying.

Wheatley says in her book Turning to One Another,

"It's not differences that divide us. It's our judgments about each other that do."