The Pursuit of Perfect - How to Overcome Perfectionism

Perfectionists often say to themselves, "Well, it's just that I have high standards." And, of course, having high standards is a good thing. People with high standards pay meticulous attention to detail, they're hard working, they're committed, and they're perseverant. These are the qualities which produce great achievements.

However, there's a negative side to perfectionism, which is the following:

• Setting impossible goals.
• Feeling that nothing is ever good enough.
• Constantly telling yourself that you can only be happy when you achieve an ideal state that you've created in your mind.
• Thinking that failure is catastrophic.
• Being overly critical of yourself and of others.

Perfectionism can also lead to procrastination: you don't want to get started on something until you know everything that there is to know about the subject matter, and until you're absolutely sure that you won't make a mistake. Therefore, the research or preparatory stage of a project tends to go on and on, with no end in sight.

From the above you can see that there are two forms of perfectionism:

1. Positive Perfectionism: This type of perfectionism is healthy and adaptive.

2. Negative Perfectionism: This type of perfectionism is unhealthy and maladaptive.

In "The Pursuit of Perfect", Tal Ben Shahar calls the healthy perfectionists "Optimalists", and he calls the unhealthy perfectionists, "Perfectionists". He then goes on to describe the differences between the two. Perhaps the biggest difference is that Optimalists embrace reality, while Perfectionists don't deal with reality. Perfectionists want everything to be perfect all the time; which, of course, is not how reality works.

Perfectionists and Optimalists both set goals that they consider to be meaningful and important. And they both attempt to achieve their goals. What sets them apart is how they take in the scenery on the journey toward reaching their goals.

• The Perfectionist views life as a straight line. The Optimalist sees it as an irregular spiral.
• The Perfectionist replaces reality with a fantasy world in which there is no failure. The Optimalist understands that failure is an important part of the learning process.
• The Perfectionist is so afraid of failing, that they're handicapped by it; their fear makes them avoid taking the risks which are necessary for growth. The Optimalist doesn't enjoy failing, but the possibility of failure makes them take more precautions and work harder in order to avoid failing; it doesn't prevent them from taking necessary risks.
• When obstacles and failure do occur, the Perfectionist becomes frustrated and has difficulty coping. The Optimalist sees mistakes as an opportunity for improvement, and obstacles as a vehicle for growth.
• The Perfectionist rejects painful emotions, because their goal is total happiness. The Optimalist allows themselves to experience the full range of human emotions.
• The Perfectionist is rigid, critical, and defensive. The Optimalist is adaptable, forgiving, and open to constructive criticism.
• The Perfectionist focuses on the destination. The Optimalist focuses on the process and the journey, more than on the outcome.
• The Perfectionist thinks in terms of all or nothing; they see things as black or white. The Optimalist can perceive nuances, and can see shades of gray.
• The Perfectionist obsessively demands self-perfection. The Optimalist acknowledges that humans are not perfect.

"The Pursuit of Perfect" deals with the negative effects of perfectionism on relationships in Chapter Seven. In this chapter, Ben Shahar explains that we've been sold the illusion of the "perfect love". When people compare their relationships with this "perfect love"--which is a fantasy--they feel let down. In reality, in order to have a successful, enduring relationship, you can't expect perfection from your partner. Instead, you both need to recognize and accept each other's flaws.

Here's a quote from the book:

"While not all relationships should or can be sustained, while not all partners are compatible, the dissolution or deterioration of most relationships is avoidable. To realize the potential inherent in the relationship, it is necessary to accept that there are flaws in the partner and in the partnership."