A blonde girl walks into a hair salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut.

The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."

"If I take them off I'll die." the girl replies.

For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use.

Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.

"If I take them off I'll die." the blonde responds again.

The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones but she's getting really frustrated by now.

She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice.

As soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.

The stylist can't believe it.

Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens:

"breath in....breath out....breath in...."

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like.

Failing to agree in any way, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

So, the elephants went out and found a human, tending to his crops on the outskirts of a village.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions.

He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness.

"Parlez-vous Francais, he asks.

The old men look at each other and shake their heads.

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

Again, the old men shake their heads.

Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks "Habla Espanol?"

The men once again shake their heads.

Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks "Parla l'italiano?"

The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement.

The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off.

One old man says to the other, "You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language."

"Ah get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four and it didn't do him a bit of good."

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

"Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
ahead, Father. Next!"

Qassia is a credit-driven intelligence engine coupled to a cascading tag-based directory. What the heck does that mean? At Qassia, you will get credit for adding your intel. The more credit you get, the better your sites will rank. This provides incentive for site owners to contribute to Qassia. Thus harnessing the minds of millions, Qassia will become the largest repository of intelligence on the web. Those of you interested in ad revenue sharing will be pleased to know that Qassia has by far the best ad revenue sharing system on the web.


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Two men are drinking in a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye."

The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on."

The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

So the second man has to pay.

A while later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye."

The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on."

The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

Jeb from Texas is visiting Ireland.

Paddy is given the task of showing Jeb around and, upon learning that Jeb is a farmer, Paddy takes him out to the country to show him his farm.

Jeb spends most of the trip exclaiming about how small the roads are, how small Paddy's car is, how small Paddy's house is and how almost everything is bigger and better back in Texas.

After a few hours of this Paddy is getting a bit tired.

Finally Jeb and Paddy are leaning over Paddy's fence watching his horse in the pasture.

Jeb pipes up, "Ya know, Paddy, this field sure is small."

"Is that so?" a resigned Paddy replies.

"Why sure!" says Jeb, eyeing Paddy's horse, "If I were to ride my horse around my property back home, it'd take me two days!"

"I used to have a horse like that," Paddy fires back, "had to shoot 'im."

"I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this:

When you're single you're as happy as you are.

When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment."

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house in Wisconsin, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The redhead in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Bob was was taking Sue out on their first date.

When he picked her up at her house, he was most gentlemanly and chivalrous.

At dinner, the two enjoyed each others' company immensely and were having a wonderful first date.

Bob's attentive ways spilled right over into their trip to the movie theater.

A few minutes into the film Bob asked Sue, "Can you see, dear?"

Sue answered, "Yes, I can see fine."

A few seconds passed and Bob asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"

Sue responded, "Yes, it's extremely comfortable."

Moments later Bob asked, "Is there a draft on you?"

Sue, impressed with Bob's attentiveness, said, "No, I feel no draft at all."

Upon hearing her answer to his final question, Bob replied, "Great. Let's switch seats."

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40

A Computer was something on TV,
From a Science Fiction show of note.
A Window was something you hated to clean,
And Ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And Gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really Mega Bytes!

An Application was for employment,
A Program was a TV show.
A Cursor used profanity,
A Keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you Unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue.
A Web was a spider's home,
And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

The only plumber in Glasgow to charge reasonable rates died and was sent to Hell by mistake.

Eventually it was realised in Heaven that there was an honest Glaswegian plumber in the wrong place, so Saint Peter telephoned on the hot line to Satan.

"Have you got an honest plumber there?"

"Yes"

"He's ours, so can you send him up?"

"You can't have him!"

"Why not?"

"Because he's the only one we have who understands air conditioning. It's really cool down here now."

"Send him up at once," shouted Saint Peter, "or we'll sue!"

"You'll sue?" laughed the voice at the other end. "And where will you get hold of a lawyer in Heaven?"

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE'RE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 Questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

FRUIT CAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:

A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

These quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations:

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

He has been working with glue too much.

He would argue with a signpost.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.

Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!"

Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)
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(wait for it)
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(Get your Chinese accent ready!)
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(Keep scrolling)
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(Bit more)
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(Keep Going)
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(Nearly there)
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"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the positive qualities?

Let's start with women:

Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.
Women cry when they are happy.
Women are always doing little things to show they care.
They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best food, best clothes)
Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up.
They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.
Women know how to get the most for their money
They know how to comfort a sick friend.
Women bring joy and laughter to the world.
They know how to entertain children for hours on end!
They are honest and loyal.
Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.
They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.
Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.
They know how to make a man feel like a king.
Women make the world a much happier place to live.

Now, for the Men:

Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.

The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

Two Englishmen were walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donald.

"Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"

"Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river."

"How did you do that?" asked Donald.

"Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them."

"We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donald.

They get to the bridge and Donald hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs.

After about twenty minutes Michael screams...

"Quick pull me up, pull me up!"

"Have you got a salmon?" asks Donald.

"No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."

These are some classic women's t-shirt slogans...

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is...

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet.

And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a mathematician.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea, so after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

When I heard about BUY.COM I was skeptical. Just another company, usual shoddy products and bad service. But - I was wrong... I have used BUY.COM a number of times in the past year, and each time I have been amazed at the speed of delivery, and also the fact that they ship many items FREE>.

I have saved so much money with them, I hope you too can save money. Check for options to SAVE $30 when you get their credit card, and also SAVE $10 when you use Google Checkout for the first time. Too good to miss!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Bar & Grill."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the establishment and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the bar. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Bar & Grill?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.

Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."

TWISTED HISTORY - A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME

3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself ... the United States of Vespuccia!

1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.

1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.

1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.

1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.

1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.

1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.

1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric," noting that no one added cream.

1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.

1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."

1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.

1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.

1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.

1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.

1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!

1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!

1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.

1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.

1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work.

1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.

1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.

1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

Looking at the time she exclaimed, "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket,and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.

To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day".

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died .

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him! He fell off the window ledge while he was licking himself."

As it's APRIL FOOLS DAY today, here are a few major pranks from the past for you to enjoy...

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In 1982 the Daily Mail reported that a local manufacturer had sold 10,000 "rogue bras" that were causing a unique and unprecedented problem, not to the wearers but to the public at large.

Apparently the support wire in these bras had been made out of a kind of copper originally designed for use in fire alarms.

When this copper came into contact with nylon and body heat, it produced static electricity which, in turn, was interfering with local television and radio broadcasts.

The chief engineer of British Telecom, upon reading the article, immediately ordered that all his female laboratory employees disclose what type of bra they were wearing.

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In 1981 the Daily Mail ran a story about an unfortunate Japanese long-distance runner, Kimo Nakajimi, who had entered the London Marathon but, on account of a translation error, thought that he had to run for 26 days, not 26 miles.

The Daily Mail reported that Nakajimi was now somewhere out on the roads of England, still running, determined to finish the race.

Supposedly various people had spotted him, though they were unable to flag him down.

The translation error was attributed to Timothy Bryant, an import director, who said, "I translated the rules and sent them off to him. But I have only been learning Japanese for two years, and I must have made a mistake. He seems to be taking this marathon to be something like the very long races they have over there."

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In 1973 BBC Radio broadcast an interview with an elderly academic, Dr. Clothier, who discoursed on the government's efforts to stop the spread of Dutch Elm Disease.

Dr. Clothier described some startling discoveries that had been made about the tree disease.

For instance, he referred to the research of Dr. Emily Lang of the London School of Pathological and Environmental Medicine.

Dr. Lang had apparently found that exposure to Dutch Elm Disease immunized people to the common cold.

Unfortunately, there was a side effect.

Exposure to the disease also caused red hair to turn yellow and eventually fall out.

This was attributed to a similarity between the blood count of redheads and the soil conditions in which affected trees grew.

Therefore, redheads were advised to stay away from forests for the foreseeable future.

Dr. Clothier was in reality the comedian Spike Milligan.