The Daily Joke
Everyone needs a reason to laugh. If we didn't laugh then the world would be a dull place. Not only that, if people didn't laugh, their facial muscles wouldn't get much of a work out, well except for when they were eating, so growls and scowls would probably stick on their faces. Just looking at all those grouches would spoil your day before it started wouldn't it!
So come on, take a joke or two in to start the day right. It's just as important as having a good breakfast. Give those facial muscles a good work out.
If you like this lens and the jokes, please can you rate it and drop me a line in the guestbook to let me know you were here.
So come on, take a joke or two in to start the day right. It's just as important as having a good breakfast. Give those facial muscles a good work out.
If you like this lens and the jokes, please can you rate it and drop me a line in the guestbook to let me know you were here.
For some more good laughs, I invite you to visit THE LAUGHLINE a great collection of some of the best jokes around.
01 - Blonde In Winter
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Jess and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Jess, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Jess, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Indiana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Jess and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Jess, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Jess, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Indiana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
02 - New Dewalt Tool
New nail gun, made by Dewalt. It can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink.
When they have the board in the right place just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife probably won't ask you to fix or build anything else...
03 - Rude Man
Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned.
"Well," she says, "we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
"How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned.
"Well," she says, "we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
04 - Speeding
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
05 - A Penny For Your Thoughts
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinking how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinking now?"
To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hoping ye hadn't forgotten the penny!"
They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinking how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinking now?"
To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hoping ye hadn't forgotten the penny!"
06 - Faith
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas.
They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline, but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith....!"
They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline, but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith....!"
07 - Vineyard Of The Lord
A young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
08 - Three Hymns
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him, and him, and him."
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him, and him, and him."
09 - Irish Merceneraries
These two Irishmen had fought for the rebels in a South American republic.
Captured by government troops they faced a firing squad.
'Is there any last word you would like to say before you're shot?' asked the captain.
'Yes,' shouted Flanagan. 'I'd like to say that your president is the biggest twit on God's earth.'
'Quiet!' snapped Murphy. 'Don't cause trouble!'
Captured by government troops they faced a firing squad.
'Is there any last word you would like to say before you're shot?' asked the captain.
'Yes,' shouted Flanagan. 'I'd like to say that your president is the biggest twit on God's earth.'
'Quiet!' snapped Murphy. 'Don't cause trouble!'
10 - Elton And George
Elton John and George Michael were standing on Circular Quay in Sydney, Australia, looking out over the harbour.
George pointed to a ferry and asked,
"Elton, what's that?"
"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.
"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy!"
George pointed to a ferry and asked,
"Elton, what's that?"
"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.
"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy!"
11 - The Patient
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your mother?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!"
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your mother?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!"
12 - Balloon
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.
It's a diarrhea run!!!
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
It's on him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'"
You're laughing aren't you.. I know you are!!!
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.
It's a diarrhea run!!!
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
It's on him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'"
You're laughing aren't you.. I know you are!!!
13 - The Stimulus Package Explained
Sometime this year, taxpayers in the USA will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. You children are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up!
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, and Guatemala.
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. You children are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up!
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, and Guatemala.
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
14 - The Farmer
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?"
"No," he said, they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"When is it?"
"Could be today, or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"
"No," he said, they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"When is it?"
"Could be today, or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"
15 - Irishman
An Irishman is walking through a field when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
Paddy shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you."
Paddy replies "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
Paddy shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you."
Paddy replies "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
16 - The New Mother
A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried.
"Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
"Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
17 - Dead Man In The Street
The man was immaculately dressed. Fitted out more for the Ritz than the street. But in the street he lay dressed in black tail suit, patent leather shoes, top hat and bow tie, and very dead.
'How did he get here?' asked Patrolman Muldoon.
'He threw himself off the roof,' said a bystander.
'Does anyone know the man?' said Muldoon.
'I do,' said Barrie Quinn.
'What religion is he?' asked the policeman. 'Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim?'
'None at all,' said Quinn. 'He's an atheist!'
'What a shame,' said Muldoon. 'All dressed up and nowhere to go!'
'How did he get here?' asked Patrolman Muldoon.
'He threw himself off the roof,' said a bystander.
'Does anyone know the man?' said Muldoon.
'I do,' said Barrie Quinn.
'What religion is he?' asked the policeman. 'Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim?'
'None at all,' said Quinn. 'He's an atheist!'
'What a shame,' said Muldoon. 'All dressed up and nowhere to go!'
18 - Bank Robbery
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
19 - Medicare Coverage In A Nutshell
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
20 - New Airline Rules
With all the problems that the airlines are going through, and the cutting of services, this is a scenario that just might become reality in the near future...
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locater fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locater fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
21 - Women Drivers
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman 'the eagle'.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Piss one off? I think not.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman 'the eagle'.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Piss one off? I think not.
22 - Mid Life Crisis
TO THE WOMEN ONLY--MEN DON'T YOU DARE READ!!!
I've seen two shows recently that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... puh-leeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate...
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!"
Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally... more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important...
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired..... that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
I've seen two shows recently that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... puh-leeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate...
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!"
Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally... more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important...
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired..... that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
23 - The Stress Relief Diet
I'm not sure if this works or not. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping
DINNER
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it! :)
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping
DINNER
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it! :)
24 - Cowboy Goes To Church
One Sunday, a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
25 - Sports Commentators Bloopers
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they all would like to take back:
Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
26 - Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you?! We' ve been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you?! We' ve been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
27 - Honk If You Love Jesus
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
28 - Conversation Between God And Eve
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He
will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining,I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He
will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining,I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."
29 - Only An Englishman Would Understand
A Geordie bloke goes into the hairdressers and asks 'Can I have a perm please?'
Hairdresser replies, 'I wandered lonely as a cloud....'
Hairdresser replies, 'I wandered lonely as a cloud....'
30 - Heavenly Meeting
Jesus was strolling through Heaven when he saw an old man sitting on a cloud, staring into the distance.
"Old man," said Jesus, "this is Heaven! Why are you so sad?"
The old man didn't bother to turn as he said, I've been looking for my son and haven't been able to find him."
Jesus said, "Tell me about it."
"Well," said the old man, still gazing at the sunlit horizon, "on earth I was a carpenter, and one day my son went away. I never heard from him again, and I was hoping I'd find him here, in Heaven."
His heart was pounding suddenly in his chest, Jesus bent over the old man and said, "Father?"
The old man turned to Jesus and cried, "Pinocchio?"
"Old man," said Jesus, "this is Heaven! Why are you so sad?"
The old man didn't bother to turn as he said, I've been looking for my son and haven't been able to find him."
Jesus said, "Tell me about it."
"Well," said the old man, still gazing at the sunlit horizon, "on earth I was a carpenter, and one day my son went away. I never heard from him again, and I was hoping I'd find him here, in Heaven."
His heart was pounding suddenly in his chest, Jesus bent over the old man and said, "Father?"
The old man turned to Jesus and cried, "Pinocchio?"
31 - High School Prose
These are allegedly actual metaphors and analogies taken from high school prose... quite beautiful:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal-paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal-paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep.
The Daily Jokes Index
The Daily Jokes Index features all the Daily Jokes and Humorous lenses that I have. It's funny in it's own right, but taking a peek here will help you to make sure you don't miss any of the funny lenses that I have created.-
The Daily Joke Collection
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This lens is an index of all the humor and jokes lenses that I have created. The jokes and humor collection is growing with every month, so I thought it would be a good idea to list them all in one place, so you don't miss any. As well as the Dail...
The Daily Joke Month By Month
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The Daily Joke - June 2008
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The whole world needs to laugh more often, don't you agree? One way to make people laugh is to tell jokes, and a joke a day, the daily joke is a great way to do it. My master plan for a happier nicer world to live in is to help spread some humor ar...
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The Daily Joke - July 2008
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Finding a way to bring more laughter into people's lives is a hobby of mine. I strongly believe that if we can find a way to laugh at the problems that life throws at us, that the day can pass much better than if we just allow the everyday routine to...
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The Daily Joke - April 2008
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The Daily Joke - a joke a day for April. A joke is the best medicine for the blues - some good old fashioned jokes - and believe me some of these are really old fashioned too - some are probably as old as your great-grandmother - but the old jokes ar...
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The Daily Joke - March 2008
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We could all use a lot more laughter in our lives right? That's what I thought - I knew you would agree with me... Inside this lens you will find a different joke for each day in the month of March. If you like this lens, please keep coming back as...
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The Daily Joke - February 2008
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We all could use some more laughter in our lives, that can't be denied. Sometimes all we read or hear about is bad news, sad news, it drags you down... This lens has a joke for every day in February to help drive the blues away and make you smile. S...
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The Daily Joke - December 2008
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The Daily Joke for December just couldn't be anything other than Funny Christmas Pictures. I have a lot in my collection, and I thought that it would be good to share them with you so that you can also get a laugh out of them, which I hope you will,...
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The Daily Joke September 2008
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The Daily Joke is a series of monthly lenses to help give you a reason to laugh every day of the month. My Daily Joke lenses usually have a joke for every day of the month, but I thought for September I would do something a little different, with a s...
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The Daily Joke - November 2008
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The Daily Joke is a series of monthly lenses with something funny for every day in the month. For November I thought it would be a good time to send out some of the weird news items that seem to come from all corners of the globe these days. I don't...
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The Daily Joke - October 2008
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The Daily Joke is a series of monthly lenses that were created to help give you a reason to laugh every day of the month. These usually have a joke for every day of the month, but I thought for September I would do something a little different, with...
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The Daily Joke - August 2008
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The Daily Joke is a good reason to laugh every day of the month. My Daily Joke lenses usually have a joke for every day of the month, but I thought for August I would do something a little different, with a selection of some of the funniest pictures...
My Other Humorous Lenses
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Super Heroes Gone Wrong
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I think that in some way everybody wants to be a Super Hero. The idea of being that invincible being with super powers who is capable of saving the universe appeals to even the least macho of males, and the power and muscular physique of a super hero...
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Religious Jokes - The Best Religious And Church Humor
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Religious Jokes can be really funny. It doesn't matter whether they are Church Jokes, Bible Jokes or Baptist Jokes, are something that everybody likes. There are even some really funny Jewish Jokes these days - jokes for just about everyone. With...
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Golf Jokes - Jokes About Golf
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Playing Golf is a popular pastime, it takes a lifetime of practice, the right equipment, plenty of time, and not least plenty of money. Like everything there are plenty of jokes about the sport of Golf. Many Golf Jokes are based on women trying to g...
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Jokes For Baby Boomers
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The term BABY BOOMER is used to describe a person that was born between 1946 and 1964. Following World War II, both North America and Europe experienced an unusual spike in birth rates, with troops returning home from the war, changes in lifestyle, b...
Please Let Me Know What You Think
Please let me know if you liked this lens (or not). It's always good to know what visitors think, so if you have a few moments, a comment from you would be much appreciated. When another lensmaster leaves a comment for me, I always try and return the favor by visiting their lenses, which is only fair.
JOIN SQUIDOO - If you are not a member of Squidoo and would like to know more about creating your own lenses, join Squidoo and start today. What to make a lens about? How about YOU! A short biography of yourself is always a good way to start as a lensmaster. It should take about 5 minutes to get started. Why create a lens? Do you enjoy writing? Would you love to be able to create your own web pages but don't know how to program? Would you like to earn some extra income by creating lenses like this one? Join Squidoo and find out more.
Do you feel like a good laugh? If so, then having left a comment here, I invite you to visit to THE LAUGHLINE. This site has the archives from the mailing list that I have run on Yahoo Groups since 2001, plus many more Jokes, Funny Pictures and Video Clips. You won't be disappointed.
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Reply
- Suzie-Shine Suzie-Shine Jun 9, 2009 @ 6:23 am
- Loved it, loved it, loved it. My day has been brightened, my gloom has lifted. Must rush though as I'm supposed to be working. Thanks.
Suzie
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Reply
- tdove tdove Mar 12, 2009 @ 5:15 pm
- Thanks for joining G Rated Lense Factory!
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Reply
- GrowWear GrowWear Feb 18, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
- Amazing that you knew I was laughing at #12. :D Great jokes! They do put one in a better mood. Thank you, Tony. :)
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Reply
- awelldressedbullet awelldressedbullet Feb 18, 2009 @ 7:23 am
- Thanks Tony, always the place to come for a good laugh, I just gotta get me one of those Dewalt nail guns for Rick, that was just too funneeeeeee - Kathy
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Reply
- kiwisoutback kiwisoutback Feb 11, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
- I like the joke about the Irish and English guys. Great work once again!
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Reply
- Tipi Tipi Feb 2, 2009 @ 11:31 pm
- I love it, I'm laughing ... I had tears! - That new Dewalt Tool is great and I must have one of those. Do you make them yourself? - Will I need to special order one, and do they come in different sizes? - Please, let me know a.s.a.p.! - :) - Funny lens!
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Reply
- poddys poddys Feb 2, 2009 @ 9:47 pm
- As usual I am behind with my daily joke lenses. I will catch up with this and try and get ahead for February. Hope you enjoyed the jokes.
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Reply
- AslanBooks AslanBooks Feb 1, 2009 @ 10:09 am
- Thank you for listing your lens on The Squidoo Ink Pot -- http://www.squidinkpot.com.
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Reply
- seegreen seegreen Jan 30, 2009 @ 1:11 am
- I love number 4, still reading : )
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Reply
- seegreen seegreen Jan 30, 2009 @ 1:11 am
- I love number 4, still reading : )
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The Best Of My Other Lenses
If you liked this lens, and I hope you did, then I hope you will find the time to visit some of my other lenses. Not all of them are about jokes and humor, far from it. Please accept my cordial invitation to drop by and see what else I have that can be of interest to you.
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byOff The Record With Debbie And Tony
Off The Record is a new blog written by myself together with my Girlfriend, better known to lensmasters as Debnet.
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byAbout Poddys
Lensmaster poddys has been a member since January 15 2008, has rated 2,538 lenses, favorited 1,547, and has created 78 lenses from scratch. This member's top-ranked page is "Bournemouth - Seaside Beaches Holidays Sunshine". See all my lenses
My Bio
Off The Record - My Blog
Lots More About Me
The Laughline
The Daily Joke Collection
I am an English guy who moved to the USA in 1994, spent 12 years in Indiana, then moved to South Florida in 2005. I have a background in computers, have run my own web sites since 1998, and spend more time working than I would like (as do we all)...
I enjoy travel, spent a year in New Zealand, followed by 12 years of travel for work, mostly to Central and South America and the Caribbean. I love meeting people from different backgrounds and cultures and experiencing different ways of life. I have met some wonderful people on my travels, and one of thing I have found is that laughter is one of the best ways to make friends.
I love humour, and have run a jokes mailing list for the last 8 years, helping make thousands of people laugh around the world. A lot of my humour also shows through in my lenses and blogs.
Please come visit my other blogs at:
Off The Record With Debbie And Tony
StumbleUpon
Squidtop
Check out these great lenses...
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- Bournemouth - Seaside Beaches Holidays Sunshine
If someone was to mention Bournemouth to you, what would come to mind? If you live outside of the UK, probably not a lot, since Bournemouth isn't on the list of main attractions that you find in the tourist brochures, especially for visitors from... view lens -
- The Daily Joke Collection
This lens is an index of all the humor and jokes lenses that I have created. The jokes and humor collection is growing with every month, so I thought it would be a good idea to list them all in one place, so you don't miss any.As well as the Dail... view lens -
- Zecharia Sitchin - Author Of The Earth Chronicles
Zecharia Sitchin is an accomplished Jewish Scholar whose knowledge of modern and ancient Hebrew, other Semitic and European languages is second to none. He has spent much of his life studying the Old Testament and the history and archeology of the N... view lens -
- Tropical Items On Zazzle
Living in South Florida provides many opportunities to take beautiful photographs of tropical scenes. Whether it's the beaches and ocean, the colorful palm trees and vegetation, or the unique wildlife that you get in Florida, the scope is there to ta... view lens -
- USA Lenses - Alabama
Alabama is a state in the South Eastern USA that is bordered by Tennessee in the north, Georgia to the east, Florida and the Gulf of Mexico to the south, and Mississippi to the west. Alabama was the name of an Indian tribe who inhabited the area whe... view lens
Follow Me On Twitter
- poddys
- aka Tony Payne
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Off The Record - My Blog
Lots More About Me
The Laughline
The Daily Joke Collection
I am an English guy who moved to the USA in 1994, spent 12 years in... (more)
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The Daily Joke - February 2008- We all could use some more laughter in our lives, that can't be denied. Sometime...
The Daily Joke - December 2008- The Daily Joke for December just couldn't be anything other than Funny Christmas...
The Daily Joke - November 2008- The Daily Joke is a series of monthly lenses with something funny for every day...
The Daily Joke - October 2008- The Daily Joke is a series of monthly lenses that were created to help give you...
