Take a step back

Picture a tower of flat slabs of stone - perfectly positioned, one on top of the other, standing about four feet high. On the very top of the tower is a boulder, much bigger and heavier than the other stones. The boulder presses down hard on the stone at the top. The pressure is nearly unbearable, so I begin the process of repositioning that stone, asking for help because it's too heavy to move by myself...it carries the weight of the boulder. Together, we shave it down, and eventually we remove it completely. I feel a split-second breath of relief before the boulder slams down on the next-highest stone. At first it doesn't seem so bad compared to the pressure I'd felt before, but over time it grows heavier, and I again do the work to ease the burden. As each stone is repositioned, I consider how it got there in the first place, and when it is removed, I experience deep healing in cavernous places of my heart.

Why not just get rid of the boulder? I've tried, I really have, but even with help, it's too big to move right now. It's too awkward and heavy; it needs to be closer to the ground, so I've been working on the stones instead.

The tower is shorter now.

The crunch of dried leaves being pulled from the garden, the rustle of the plastic trashbag, the rumble of the trashcan wheels as it rolls behind me on the sidewalk...Stop. Let everything be still for just a moment. Listen...water trickling. Outside faucet running...it just didn't get turned off all the way.

The chatter of squirrels in their trees, the chirping of birds announcing Spring. The sweeping sound of pulling the trashbag along the ground, the 'shhh' sound of leaves as they're dumped on the stream bank, the crisp crackle of sticks beneath my feet...all I can do is stop. Let me be still for just a moment, and listen. A strange thumping. Look up...a woodpecker pounding away, getting some grubs from the tree above. I never would have heard him over the noise I was making...

"You will find me
I'm at the point of your breaking,
behind all the noise
When your world is darkest
I can still see
'cause when there's nothing left, I'll be." -Newsboys

Two nights ago, I realized my apartment is laid out as circle and I can literally jog around it. My own track! Gone are the "it's too cold/dark out" excuses. I feel a little silly, but no one can see me. It gets my heart rate up and I feel a little less stressed, so it's worth dealing with mocking I'll get from you all. :)

While I was jogging, I started thinking about the monotony of what I was doing: kitchen, family room, study, bedroom, hallway, kitchen, family room, study, bedroom, hallway, round and round and round and round. The scenery stays the same -- even if I go the other way, it's really not that much different. 'I'm running around in circles', I thought to myself, 'this is crazy. I'm not doing anything; I'm not going anywhere!' ...and then it hit me - I'M changing. The scenery doesn't change, but I'm changing. I'm working off some stress, I'm strengthening my muscles - there is real growth happening in me, even though it's hard to tell at first.

In life, I often feel like I'm running around in circles and not really going anywhere. It's the same stuff over and over again, and nothing changes. Here I am, another birthday... I thought I'd be so much further along by now. But if I'm honest with myself, I know I'm changing on the inside. I know I've made a lot of progress in the last ten years...the kind of progress that really matters. So maybe it's okay if the scenery looks the same; the scenery's not important. I am changing.

Not abandonment, but faithfulness

Not judgment, but compassion

Not guilt, but sorrow

Not pity, but understanding

Not condemnation, but grace

Not tolerated, but fiercely loved

hope change peace

I met Erica tonight at the grocery store; she was my cashier. Somehow, we got onto the topic of illness (i think the guy in front of me sneezed) and she told me how she'd been sick last week and had to stay in bed. She said it was really hard for her to do nothing - she works and she's in college - she's used to being busy. I asked her if she was able to sleep while she was sick, and she said sleep was hard for her - that it's always been hard, because of the way she grew up. I almost gave my polite but uninterested "Oh, well I hope it gets better" reply, but something made me say instead...

"Because of the way you grew up?" I asked.

"Yes. My mom worked for Jobcorp and her hours were 7 at night till 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning, and then she'd come home and sleep almost all day because she was so tired. I learned how to do everything: laundry, cooking, cleaning - I can sew, I crochet - just everything. And at night, when my little brother used to have nightmares, he would come into my room and wake me up. I guess I just got used to not sleeping."

"That must've been really hard; you played Mom while she was gone."

"Yeah ... she said she trained me to be a homemaker; I guess it'll come in handy one day."

I looked at this girl - moments ago, she was the check-out girl who was scanning my groceries and asking for my bonus card - and now she was a person with a story and we were having a real conversation.

I hope I see her again and can ask her how she's doing, and that we'll be able to pick up where we left off.

If I could take a day and bottle it, today would've been one of those days. It was gorgeous; a perfect fall day. I went for a quick jog at a local trail and walked back ... one of the first things I noticed was the size of the leaves on the ground. We're talking BIG.

Then I saw the smooth gray tree trunks stretching waaaay up, and bright leaves at the top, sun-tipped in the afternoon sky.

It was beautiful. It refreshed me.

I wondered at God's goodness and at the beauty that he can still create in an imperfect world... it helped calm me down, helped my heart rest and helped me trust Him today.