THE DAILY JOKE - INTRODUCTION
We could all use a lot more laughter in our lives right? That's what I thought - I knew you would agree with me...
Inside this lens you will find a different joke for each day in the month of March. If you like this lens, please keep coming back as I add new jokes to keep the laughter flowing.
So, the best medicine for the blues is some good old fashioned jokes - and trust me some of these are probably as old as your great-grandmother - well at least as old as mine - but the old ones are sometimes the best ones.
A lot of care is taken to try and find jokes that are really funny, and it's not easy to find the funniest jokes, something that will make everyone laugh, because not everyone finds the same funny joke funny. Funny thing jokes aren't they?
Do as the doctor ordered, and dose yourself up with The Daily Joke, A Joke A Day, and help drive the blues away. And if you have a friend who needs cheering up, copy the link for this page and email it to them. That ought to help brighten their day too.
And just to make sure this lens is suitable for all audiences, the jokes are all clean jokes, so come back regularly for the daily clean joke.
Here you are going to find some good excuses for laughing. I hope to post daily, or if I don't make it, please submit a joke (in the guest book) for everyone to read.
I also have another daily jokes list that has been going for 5 years or more on Yahoo. You are also welcome to join my mailing list there at THE LAUGHLINE
Enjoy and please pass the lens to your friends if you like it.
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Inside this lens you will find a different joke for each day in the month of March. If you like this lens, please keep coming back as I add new jokes to keep the laughter flowing.
So, the best medicine for the blues is some good old fashioned jokes - and trust me some of these are probably as old as your great-grandmother - well at least as old as mine - but the old ones are sometimes the best ones.
A lot of care is taken to try and find jokes that are really funny, and it's not easy to find the funniest jokes, something that will make everyone laugh, because not everyone finds the same funny joke funny. Funny thing jokes aren't they?
Do as the doctor ordered, and dose yourself up with The Daily Joke, A Joke A Day, and help drive the blues away. And if you have a friend who needs cheering up, copy the link for this page and email it to them. That ought to help brighten their day too.
And just to make sure this lens is suitable for all audiences, the jokes are all clean jokes, so come back regularly for the daily clean joke.
Here you are going to find some good excuses for laughing. I hope to post daily, or if I don't make it, please submit a joke (in the guest book) for everyone to read.
I also have another daily jokes list that has been going for 5 years or more on Yahoo. You are also welcome to join my mailing list there at THE LAUGHLINE
Enjoy and please pass the lens to your friends if you like it.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO CREATE PAGES LIKE THIS?
You can by joining Squidoo. It's FREE to join, and you can create pages like this one simply and with no programming experience required.
CLICK HERE to join Squidoo and create your own first lens.
March Jokes Index
March - what a month for jokes! It's St. Patrick's Day for a start, so I will throw in a few Irish Jokes for good measure.
- Other Daily Joke Lenses For You
- The Daily Joke - 31st March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 30th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 29th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 28th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 27th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 26th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 25th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 24th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 23rd March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 22nd March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 21st March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 20th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 19th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 18th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 17th March 2008
- Great Shirts For St. Patricks Day
- The Daily Joke - 16th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 15th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 14th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 13th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 12th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 11th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 10th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 9th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 8th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 7th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 6th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 5th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 4th March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 3rd March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 2nd March 2008
- The Daily Joke - 1st March 2008
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Other Daily Joke Lenses For You
March is over, but we have other Daily Joke lenses with plenty of great jokes for you to laugh at, and to forward to your friends.
I hope you enjoy these other great jokes.
I hope you enjoy these other great jokes.
- The Daily Joke - February 2008
- Daily Jokes for February 2008
- The Daily Joke - April 2008
- Daily Jokes for April 2008
- The Daily Joke - May 2008
- Daily Jokes for May 2008
Billy's Goldfish
The Daily Joke - 31st March 2008
The Daily Joke - Special Day
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do!" he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.
At 10am, the doorbell rang.
When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.
At 1pm the doorbell rang again.
This time, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog day in my life.
"Of course I do!" he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.
At 10am, the doorbell rang.
When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.
At 1pm the doorbell rang again.
This time, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog day in my life.
The Daily Joke - 30th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Misunderstanding
Two friends are talking.
One says to the other; "I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about".
His friend turns to him and says; "What do you mean?"
One says to the other; "I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about".
His friend turns to him and says; "What do you mean?"
The Daily Joke - 29th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Hi-Tech Supermarket
My new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
The Daily Joke - 28th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Posh Restaurant
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.
He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just
don't start anything."
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.
He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just
don't start anything."
The Daily Joke - 27th March 2008
The Daily Joke - First Wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?" he asked.
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?" he asked.
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'
The Daily Joke - 26th March 2008
The Daily Joke - The Watch
Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.
"View recede ten," Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jack.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jack stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."
Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.
"View recede ten," Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jack.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jack stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."
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Fetching RSS feed... please stand byThe Daily Joke - 25th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Envelopes
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes.
On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes.
So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits.
He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything."
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike.
The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes."
On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes.
So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing."
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits.
He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything."
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike.
The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes."
The Daily Joke - 24th March 2008
The Batchelor Cookbook
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".
The Daily Joke - 23rd March 2008
The Daily Joke - Refrigerator
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
The Daily Joke - 22nd March 2008
The Daily Joke - Easter In Canada
Three blondes died and found themselves at Heaven's gate standing before St.Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to explain to him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian celebration that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!"
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to explain to him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian celebration that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good!"
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted.
The Daily Joke - 21st March 2008
The Daily Joke - Saving The Easter Bunny
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket.
Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket.
Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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Fetching RSS feed... please stand byThe Daily Joke - 20th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Why Americans Shouldn't Travel
This is a list compiled from travel agencies around the United States:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
The Daily Joke - 19th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Bumper Stickers Jokes
This is a collection of some of the funniest bumper stickers jokes that exist. I hope you enjoy them
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace.... visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
My wife's other car is a broom.
If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
I'm out of bed and dressed.... What more do you want.
I love cats...dead ones.
I don't have an attitude problem... You have a perception problem.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!
Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.
I just want revenge. Is that so bad?
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
So many cats..... so few recipes.
and finally my all time favorite...
FAT PEOPLE ARE HARDER TO KIDNAP
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace.... visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
My wife's other car is a broom.
If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
I'm out of bed and dressed.... What more do you want.
I love cats...dead ones.
I don't have an attitude problem... You have a perception problem.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!
Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.
I just want revenge. Is that so bad?
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
So many cats..... so few recipes.
and finally my all time favorite...
FAT PEOPLE ARE HARDER TO KIDNAP
The Daily Joke - 18th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Workers
Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise.
"Oh," Peter said, "you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."
"We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?"
"Jealousy," answered Peter. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."
"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise.
"Oh," Peter said, "you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."
"We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?"
"Jealousy," answered Peter. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."
The Daily Joke - 17th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Drunk
HAPPY SAINT PATRICKS DAY
Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness.
"Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"
Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness.
"Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"
The Daily Joke - 16th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Poor Uncle Seamus
Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'.
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'Nodis'll neva do'. The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me DA shovel.'
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'.
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'Nodis'll neva do'. The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me DA shovel.'
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The Mr. Bean: Best of, Vol. 2
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The Daily Joke - 15th March 2008
The Daily Joke - One Short
Murphy and Casey were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted".
Murphy said, "Ye know Casey, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".
Murphy said, "Ye know Casey, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".
The Daily Joke - 14th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Marrital Problems
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The wife says, "Seven weeks."
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The wife says, "Seven weeks."
The Daily Joke - 13th March 2008
The Daily Joke - MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
The Daily Joke - 12th March 2008
The Daily Joke - The Livestock Sale
A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.
When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am," replied the man.
"Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."
"No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted the man's wife.
The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, "Here's your chicken."
To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.
When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am," replied the man.
"Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one..."
"No, no, no... the brown one," interrupted the man's wife.
The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, "Here's your chicken."
The Daily Joke - 11th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Hot Air Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in Management".
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in Management".
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Fetching RSS feed... please stand byThe Daily Joke - 10th March 2008
The Daily Joke - A Letter From Dad
A LETTER FROM DAD
Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.Your mum read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your mother out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned cause they couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love
Dad
Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.Your mum read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your mother out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned cause they couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love
Dad
The Daily Joke - 9th March 2008
The Daily Joke - FANQUEVALLEMUD
FANQUEVALLEMUD
New word for the day - "Fanquevallemud"
Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the following conversation... Read aloud for best results.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia.....
Room Service(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
Guest(G): "Yes......"
RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G): "What??"
(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G): "Crisp will be fine."
(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G): "What?"
(RS): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means."
(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"
(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
(RS): "Copy?"
(G): "Sorry?"
(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits P bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy.. wite??"
(G): "Well....Whatever you say"
(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G): "You're welcome"
New word for the day - "Fanquevallemud"
Its amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the following conversation... Read aloud for best results.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia.....
Room Service(RS): "Moling! loom sirfesee"
Guest(G): "Yes......"
RS): "Dju witch true odor somefing??"
(G): "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS): "How July it done peace?"
(G): "What??"
(RS): "How July it done?... Fi, boy?"
(G): "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
(RS): "Howbow bkan?"
(G): "Crisp will be fine."
(RS): "O light. An some DOS?"
(G): "What?"
(RS): "Dosee. July some DOS?"
(G): "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'Door-C' means."
(RS): "Mmm...............Toes! toes!..."
(G): "O, you mean Toasts!....No, do you have something else?"
(RS): "Howbow ink-ga-nutsu mudfun?"
(G): "English muffin!! I've got it! Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
(RS): "Copy?"
(G): "Sorry?"
(RS): "Copy...Mill...all T?"
(G): "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
(RS): "O light. Seeangle ache, quits P bkan, DOS, mudfun and copy.. wite??"
(G): "Well....Whatever you say"
(RS): "Fanquevallemud!"
(G): "You're welcome"
The Daily Joke - 8th March 2008
The Daily Joke - The Excuse
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
The Daily Joke - 7th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Observations Of A Child
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The Daily Joke - 6th March 2008
The Daily Joke - A Trip To Ireland
An American and his wife were traveling around Ireland by car when the tire developed a slow puncture.
He managed to find a small local garage where he asked the owner if they had an air line.
The owner replies, "an air line? You must be joking; we don't even have a bus station!"
He managed to find a small local garage where he asked the owner if they had an air line.
The owner replies, "an air line? You must be joking; we don't even have a bus station!"
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Fetching RSS feed... please stand byThe Daily Joke - 5th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Fishing
The Maguire twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.
'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'
'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.
'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'
'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'
'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.
'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'
The Daily Joke - 4th March 2008
The Daily Joke - Caught Speeding
After overtaking Muldoon the taximan, who was speeding, the policeman asked him, "You were doing ninety five miles an hour. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Muldoon answered, "Well, you see officer, my brakes failed about 3 miles back and I was rushing home before I caused an accident."
Muldoon answered, "Well, you see officer, my brakes failed about 3 miles back and I was rushing home before I caused an accident."
The Daily Joke - 3rd March 2008
The Daily Joke - Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wondered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
The Daily Joke - 2nd March 2008
The Daily Joke - System Status Update
Another day gone
All targets met
All systems fully operational
All customers satisfied
All staff keen and well motivated
All pigs fed and ready to fly
All targets met
All systems fully operational
All customers satisfied
All staff keen and well motivated
All pigs fed and ready to fly
The Daily Joke - 1st March 2008
The Daily Joke - If Life Were Like A Computer
IF LIFE WERE LIKE A COMPUTER:
To get your daily exercise, you just click "run"!
To improve your appearance, you adjust the display settings.
To feel like a new person, you click "refresh".
To "add/remove" someone in your life, you click settings and control panel.
When life gets too noisy, you turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, you click "find".
When you click "send", the kids go to bed immediately.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
If you don't like cleaning house, you click "delete".
If you mess up your life, you press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start over !
To get your daily exercise, you just click "run"!
To improve your appearance, you adjust the display settings.
To feel like a new person, you click "refresh".
To "add/remove" someone in your life, you click settings and control panel.
When life gets too noisy, you turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, you click "find".
When you click "send", the kids go to bed immediately.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
If you don't like cleaning house, you click "delete".
If you mess up your life, you press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start over !
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Fetching RSS feed... please stand byReader Feedback
Please let me know if you liked this lens (or not). It's always good to know what visitors think, so if you have a few moments, a comment from you would be much appreciated. When another lensmaster leaves a comment for me, I always try and return the favor by visiting their lenses, which is only fair.
JOIN SQUIDOO - If you are not a member of Squidoo and would like to know more about creating your own lenses, join Squidoo and start today. What to make a lens about? How about YOU! A short biography of yourself is always a good way to start as a lensmaster. It should take about 5 minutes to get started. Why create a lens? Do you enjoy writing? Would you love to be able to create your own web pages but don't know how to program? Would you like to earn some extra income by creating lenses like this one? Join Squidoo and find out more.
Do you feel like a good laugh? If so, then having left a comment here, I invite you to visit to THE LAUGHLINE. This site has the archives from the mailing list that I have run on Yahoo Groups since 2001, plus many more Jokes, Funny Pictures and Video Clips. You won't be disappointed.
AslanBooks wrote...
Thank you for listing your lens on The Squidoo Ink Pot -- http://www.squidinkpot.com.
Posted February 01, 2009
qlcoach wrote...
Wonderful lense! Yes humor helps us heal. Feel free to leave samples of your work at my lense too: http://www.squidoo.com/groups/publishingclub
Sincerely: Gary Eby, author and therapist
Posted July 07, 2008
Spook wrote...
I enjoyed this and had a good laugh.Reminded me of when I was Golf captain and foolishly told a joke on my first night.Thereafter it was expected of me.I had a big job to find a joke that wouldn't bomb twice a week for two years.So am amazed you can do it on a daily basis.Best of luck
Posted May 29, 2008
ElizabethJeanAllen wrote...
Great lens! I love to read and hear jokes, but I'm no good at telling them.
*****
Liz
Posted April 20, 2008
Evelyn_Saenz wrote...
What a great lens!
The Purple Gallinules just flew over with a virtual Alligator Pie to celebrate your fascinating lens.
Posted April 10, 2008
OTHER HUMOR AND JOKE LINKS
Please feel free to add your own links to humor sites for everyone to share, and please vote on the links that you like.
http://www.poddys.com/jokes
Poddys has thousands of jokes to choose from, some more...1 point
My Claim To Fame
So What Makes Someone Famous?<br />
What's Y more...1 point
joke-a-day - The Daily Joke
We could all use some more laughter in our lives r more...1 point
My Pet Peeves
MY PET PEEVES is all about those little things in more...1 point
Golf Jokes
Playing Golf is a popular pastime, it takes a life more...1 point
http://www.squidoo.com/religiousjokes
Some of the funniest Religious Jokes to be found.1 point
Family jokes in the lounge
These are the family jokes I have gathered from ot more...1 point
The Laughline
The Laughline is one of the funniest sites on the more...1 point
Indian humour
Amazing Humour Articles @ Bobsbanter.com0 points
Other Lenses by Poddys
Please visit my other lenses and let me know what you think.
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byAbout Poddys
Lensmaster poddys, aka Tony Payne, has been a member since January 15 2008, has rated 2,492 lenses, favorited 1,474, and has created 76 lenses from scratch. This member's top-ranked page is "Bournemouth - Seaside Beaches Holidays Sunshine". See all my lenses
My Bio
Off The Record - My Blog
Lots More About Me
The Laughline
The Daily Joke Collection
I am an English guy who moved to the USA in 1994, spent 12 years in Indiana, then moved to South Florida in 2005. I have a background in computers, have run my own web sites since 1998, and spend more time working than I would like (as do we all)...
I enjoy travel, spent a year in New Zealand, followed by 12 years of travel for work, mostly to Central and South America and the Caribbean. I love meeting people from different backgrounds and cultures and experiencing different ways of life. I have met some wonderful people on my travels, and one of thing I have found is that laughter is one of the best ways to make friends.
I love humour, and have run a jokes mailing list for the last 8 years, helping make thousands of people laugh around the world. A lot of my humour also shows through in my lenses and blogs.
Please come visit my other blogs at:
Off The Record With Debbie And Tony
StumbleUpon
Squidtop
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- The Daily Joke Collection
This lens is an index of all the humor and jokes lenses that I have created. The jokes and humor collection is growing with every month, so I thought it would be a good idea to list them all in one place, so you don't miss any. As well as the Daily... view lens -
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Alabama is a state in the South Eastern USA that is bordered by Tennessee in the north, Georgia to the east, Florida and the Gulf of Mexico to the south, and Mississippi to the west. Alabama was the name of an Indian tribe who inhabited the area whe... view lens
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