The Man Page

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be.... The CODE

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. One will willingly
get wet.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should
not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are
permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULLSHIT (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits
forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly
gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with
your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden
to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and
he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. * You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up
with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn
your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the
priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers it...and
it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must
jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have

caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you
may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and
we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his
beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's
withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a
nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not
join him...too gay.

29. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

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