The Punnery

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Brainstormy Weather in TEXtAS Puns Reign

My website, Have Pun Will Travel, has a section called The Punnery. It's a collection of posts I made along with those of several friends on the now-defunct GEnie service's TeleJoke, which The Punnery was part of. It owed its name to Richard Lederer's book Get Thee to a Punnery, and featured various forms of puns, humor, and wordplay presented in more than 30 different topics.

On this lens, I present samples of posts from each topic as I've posted them on my website, with links to the pages on the site.

Also included here are six videos from the 2008 O. Henry Pun-Off in Austin, Texas and four from the 2006 and 2007 events.

If you're wondering about the photo, the instrument is a bowed psaltery. Notice the object in the lower right of the photo. Yes, this is a criminal photo - I have committed a psaltery and battery. 


NOTE: The entire Have Pun Will Travel website is being redone. As of December 12, 2008 it may be unavailable for a short time. Things are going a bit slower than I expected. I plan to make The Punnery section the first part to bring back with the new look. I'll keep this box updated as things progress.

Have Pun Will Travel & The Punnery 

The Punnery - Updated July 2008 with many new posts

I've loved puns and other forms of wordplay for as long as I can remember. My father used to come up with a pun now and then, and I always thought they were fun. I remember reading joke books in grade school that students could order through a service made available, I think, from National Scholastic. Also in grade school, there was a series of stories we read about a boy from a small town called Centerville. It was a typical small town, and one thing I remember was the town barber tended to spook in Speenerisms- I mean, speak in Spoonerisms. This sharpened my reading appetite for offbeat humor, and has led to another lens, Spoonerisms.

I became a science fiction reader in the '60s, and got to know of Isaac Asimov's love of puns and wordplay. In the '70s, Spider Robinson began his series of stories about Callahan's Saloon. Spider loves puns, and several times he featured Punday Night in his stories, where the regulars would keep trying to top each other's puns until there was a winner who got free drinks for the night, although the true prize was bragging rights. It was the 80's before I discovered Spider, but he was an instant hit with me.

Back in the early '90s, when the Internet was text-based, the GEnie online service hosted what they called Round Tables (today they're usually called forums). One was TeleJoke, started by Brad Templeton, who had started the USENET newsgroup rec.humor.funny in 1987. Within TeleJoke was Category 9, The Punnery, which became an online home to punslingers from all over.

I discovered The Punnery in December '91, and it became my first online hangout. I was with it until TeleJoke closed in September '93. As part of a move to another Round Table, I archived all the posts. As zipped files, they all fit on one 3 1/2" floppy disk - try doing that with today's graphics-heavy web pages! The Punnery on TeleJoke grew to over 30 topics ranging from movies to famous people to foreign language phrases to food to limericks to Tom Swifties.

On my website, Have Pun Will Travel, I created a section called The Punnery. It includes two dozen pages of posts by GEnie Punnery participants Dick Ford, Claudia Ballou, Ralph Stipo, Eric Stone, Sue Bell, Marilyn Wales (my sister) and me. Previously only my posts and those from Dick Ford had been included, but in July 2008 I did a major revision to include posts from the others. They are people I am still in touch with and they were kind enough to grant permission to use their work. There were many others who contributed but who could not be reached for permission to include their posts.

Even though The Punnery on Have Pun Will Travel started off with only one enthusiastic poster's work (mine), it was very much a collaboration as punsters often built upon the ideas suggested by previous posts. For example, in the topic "Stories with Morals," I started a story about mushrooms and then wrote, "Oh, wait a minute. This is the wrong topic - 'Stories with morals,' not 'Stories with morels.'" That idea of playing with the topic title mushroomed into more than 90 posts.

The Punnery on Have Pun Will Travel 

Links and descriptions, with examples, for pages in The Punnery on Have Pun Will Travel.
Introduction page for The Punnery
A bit more about The Punnery on GEnie and my website, with links to all of the topics.
Lackluster Video
Punsters took movie titles, gave them a twist, and wrote a brief blurb about the twisted title. For example:

Bach to the Fuschia - The famous composer takes up gardening.
John James Audubon gets indigestion and finds a cure in THE BIRDMAN OF ALKA-SELTZER
GIDGET GROWS HAWAIIAN - Sandra Dee teams up with Cheech & Chong for a joint venture.

When posts from friends were added in July 2008, there were so many that I split the page into two pages. The link will take you to the first page.
Is There a Doctor in the House?
Punsters give us their best shots of infectious humor:

Arthuritis (causes king-size boils that you must lance a lot, very common in men who had Warts when they were young)
If Data gets a sore throat, he should take ROBOTUSSIN.
If you have an elephant with psoriasis, do you take him to a pachydermatologist?
Stories with Morals
One of the shorter bits posted:

A pearl inside an oyster is fairly rare. What happens is the oyster somehow ingests a bit of grit while feeding. Usually, the oyster can spit it back out, but once in a while, it gets stuck. This makes the oyster sick, and it secretes the substance that forms the pearl.
Moral: A gritty pearl is like a malady.
Famous People
Anyone who'd made a name for themselves was fair game:

Some famous folks who just can't keep quiet:
Charles, Prince of Wails
Lucille Bawl
Bellow Abzug
Boris Yelltisn

All the famous insects pack up and flea when she comes to town:
Bonnie Raidd
She's one reason Humflea Bogart says, "I never make plans that far in advance."
Company Towns
Sid McKeen, a columnist for the Worcester Telegram & Gazette,/i> in Massachusetts, suggested companies should locate in towns with names related to their products. We continued what he'd started:

Roanoke, VA seems like a hunky-dory place for a small boat company.
Perhaps the makers of Dramamine should relocate to Hoosick Falls, NY.
Mensa probably ought to be headquartered in Superior, WI.
I don't know if the Burpee Seed Company would want to relocate in Belchertown, MA.
Ad Nauseum
Anything advertised is likely to get The Punnery treatment:

Variations on Nike's "Just do it":
Baskin Robbins - Just scoop it.
Samuel Adams Ale - Just brew it.
The CIA - Just snoop it.
American Bar Association - Just sue it.
Stanley Tools - Just screw it.

Giving credit where it's due:
...so bring your VISA card,
...because at Mary Kay, they don't take a powder,
and they don't take American Express.
It's All Greek to Me
Words and phrases from foreign languages will never be the same.

Russian:
Dacha - one of St. Nicholas's reindeer
Glassednotes - museum case containing jottings of Lenin
Borscht - Soviet copy of German car (very fast - can't be beet)

Japanese:
Bun sigh - the very faint exhalation of air that comes out of a soft roll when you bite into it.
Yokohama - What Ms. Ono uses to drive nails.
Hacken-sake - Rice wine made in New Jersey.
Car Puns
If I were a carpunter, I would've added more to this topic:

Then there's the Japanese car company that will cater to people who want to be alone. It's a one-passenger car, the Subaru JustMe.

I heard that the Moody Blues were wandering around a car park last Tuesday afternoon, in seach of the lost Accord.
Food for Thought
A collection of tasty food puns.

Dessert time:
Pie a la Moe - Three Stooges favorite
Pie Alamo - Texan's favorite
Pie a la moot - it doesn't matter if you eat it or leave it
Pie a la molt - with a feather-light crust
Poi a la mode - Hawaiian treat
Pie-in-the-sky a la mode - a favorite of politicians
Pie alimony - divorce lawyer's favorite
Idiomatic Idioms
Common English language expressions get subjected to punishment.

Hell's Belles - Southern women on motorcycles
Bushy-eyed and bright-tailed - a firefly
With Chung in teak - having a Chinese partner in the lumber business
Paying through the nodes - going online long-distance

beyond the pail (where a careless milker aims)
beyond the brew horizon (you've had more than enough beer)
haven't got a lake to stand on (ice fisherman in July)
Knock Knock
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ether.
Ether who?
Ether bunny.

To be continued....
Moby Dick

And here's a new one (2007) inspired by reading other posts in this topic:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer / used to laugh and call him names...
Limericks
The easily offended or younger readers might want to give this one a pass, although the examples here in this lens are safe enough.

A young man sent some e-mail from Tex,
To a beautiful lass in New Mex.
The posts started out dreamy,
But soon grew quite steamy,
So they met - to put the E in SX.

(And then she found out he had a face only a motherboard could love.)

A computer hobbyist named Minter
Just wanted a ribbon for his printer.
Then his eyes took a fix
On a 486.
Now he'll be in debt 'til next winter.

If memory serves, this second example was somewhat autobiographical.
Never Say Die
Based on the famous quote from Gen. Douglas MacArthur, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away."

Old sewage plant workers never die, they just get interred.
Old Rice Krispies eaters never die, they just lose their Snap.
A noblewoman never dies, she just loses count.
Old magicians never die - they just go away for a spell.
Old majorettes never die - they just parade away.
Old refrigerator manufacturers never die - they just lose their cool.
Old dentists who were once astronauts never die - they just get flossed in space.
Occupations
How people with different jobs "do it."

PHOTOGRAPHERS do it in a flash.
Thoreau PONDered doing it.
CANDLEPIN BOWLERS do it with smaller balls.
White bread eaters WONDER about doing it 12 ways.
SPELUNKERS do it deeper.
There's something fishy about how ICTHYOLOGISTS do it.
DRUGGISTS do it in a prescribed fashion.
MISSIONARIES position themselves to do it.
GEOLOGISTS do it gneissly.
WILDEBEESTS do it, but that's nothing GNU.
ORNITHOLOGISTS have no egrets about doing it.
LIONS do it with PRIDE.
BIRDWATCHERS take TERNS doing it.
NURSES do it P.R.N. (As often as needed).
WHITEWATER RAFTERS do it rapidly.
HANGMEN do it after watching the noose.
FLIGHT SIMULATOR PLAYERS do it with their joysticks.
POOL PLAYERS pocket their balls, then do it on cue.
But BRASSIERE MAKERS do it breast. (Do I hear some titters?)
Pun Pals
Names are made to fit the circumstances, or vice versa, in this topic.

Squire Loft - Likes to sing in church
M. Erica D'Beautiful - Born in the USA
Honor Clair Day - Wife of: Hugh Ken C. Forever - Far-sighted guy
Sheik Yerbouti - You probably Saudis coming
Sheik Enbayk - No pork chops please
Dan Druff - A real flake

Also seen at the Round Table on the Knightly Knews:
Sir Vival - you could send him out armed with a toothpick and he'd come back alive
Sir Round - wears armor equipped with expansion joints
Sir Rogate - takes over for absent knights
Sir Ferdude - like, wow, man, a suit of armor with shades!
Sir Rey - wears the helmet with the fringe on top
School Daze
School subjects from any level were the subject of some classy puns.

Some terms from particle physics:
Muon - what a kitten does when it wants attention
Lepton - what the kitten did when you made a lap
Pion - the condition of your pants (or skirt) if you were eating dessert when you were lepton
Gluon - affixing one object to another without using nails
Quark - the sound of a duck with a speech impediment

Time to face the music:
rhapsody (packaging carbonated beverages)
mode (surrounds a castle of a cold sufferer)
etude (Lawrence Welk: "A-one and...")
accent (lumberman's tool in transit)
Tom Swifties
In Victor Appleton's books, Tom Swift rarely just "said" anything. He yelped, cried, shouted, etc. Or he said things brightly, excitedly, and so on.

"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Harpoon?" Tom wailed.
"My wrist has been severed," Tom said offhandedly.
"I'll have to score those tests again," Tom remarked.
"I just can't seem to write poetry," Tom said prosaically.
"Hand me my spork and foon," Spom toonerized.
"Let's go whitewater rafting," Tom said rapidly.
"Mr. Wilson, leave Dennis to me," Tom said menacingly.
"I'll get William Shatner to do this margarine commercial," Tom promised.
"But he refuses to do the pancake ad," Tom said flatly.
"But if you need him for the fabric softener spot, I'll try to get him to stay," puffed Tom.
Four Short Topics
A few topics didn't generate many messages, so I combined four of them on one page. The topics were Bald Men, Shakespearean Puns, Acronyms, and Confucious Says.
What's in Store
A brief dip into the inventory of retailing puns:

Motorcyclists with wide feet wheelie can go whole hog at
EEEEasy Riders
You'll Harley find a better selection anywhere else. Discriminating choppers recommend it.

For a True Fit, fans of John Wayne go to
The SHOEtist

While youse is in Brooklyn, get a parakeet at Boids R Us

Need to keep something covered outdoors? Go to Tarps R Us

In a hurry to get your ship insured? You should see the folks at Lloyds R Us (Don't leave port without us!)
Tombstone Territory
Punsters created epitaphs for famous people, some of whom still aren't dead yet. We also did some epitaphs for our fellow punsters.

BOB MARLEY - Rasta in peace
MARK TWAIN - No exaggeration this time
SHAKESPEARE - To be or not to be is no longer the question
ORSON WELLES - All's well that ends Welles
PROFESSOR BACKWARDS - P.I.R.
A Change of Tune
Song titles got The Punnery treatment:

Another Laundromat Classic from Simon & Garfunkel:
Washday Morning, 3 A.M.
Later, Paul Simon recorded:
Slip Sloshin' Away
Dunkin' (laundry that is, I skipped out on the "dough"-nuts)
Something So White
Still Crazy After All This Cheer
Wine and Spirits
This topic turned out to be a lot shorter than I'd anticipated.

How do atomic physicists get smashed?
Pina Colliders
The perfect non-sexist drink:
Personhattan

2008 O. Henry Pun-Off on YouTube 

Held in Austin, Texas

These videos appear to have a better chance of staying on YouTube, whereas the 30 videos from the 2007 event got pulled. This year's crop appear to have been made by people associated with the subjects of each video.

O. Henry Pun-Off 2008 Second Round

Runtime: 244
898 views
0 Comments:


Dylan Powell at the 2008 O Henry Pun-Off

Runtime: 123
1112 views
1 Comments:


O. Henry Pun-Off 2008 Finals

Runtime: 478
1835 views
3 Comments:


2008 O Henry Pun-Off - Punniest of Show - World Champion

Runtime: 148
1885 views
6 Comments:


The Pith Lords at the O Henry Pun Off

Runtime: 110
231 views
1 Comments:


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curated content from YouTube

Past O. Henry Pun-Off Videos on YouTube 

Linda Eldridge's and Big Poppa E's appearances at the 2006 and 2007 events.

Big Poppa E is a master of the double entendre. Some viewers might find his material somewhat R-rated.

2007 Punniest of Show - Linda Eldredge

Runtime: 232
972 views
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Psychobable Puns

Runtime: 227
2009 views
2 Comments:


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Big Poppa E - Aural Sex (O. Henry Pun-Off 2006)

Runtime: 259
383 views
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Big Poppa E - Candy Man (O. Henry Pun-Off 2007)

Runtime: 123
251 views
1 Comments:

curated content from YouTube

Get Thee to a Punnery! 

Richard Lederer was, unofficially, the guru of the GEnie punsters. A lifelong lover of the English language - he calls himself a verbivore - and teacher, he has written a number of humorous books about our language and how it is made to jump through linguistic hoops either intentionally or otherwise. Get Thee to a Punnery was the inspiration for the name of the GEnie group and I carry on the wonderful tradition here and at Have Pun Will Travel.

Get Thee to a Punnery: An Anthology of Intentional Assaults Upon the English Language

Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 12/10/2009)Buy Now

Lederer covers many types of puns in this book, many of which were also topics in The Punnery. He shows that punning is more than simply substituting one word for another. In order to be effective, a pun has to make some kind of sense, even if it is fairly convoluted. Lederer explains the difference between a homograph and a homophone, among other things. And just to keep things interesting, and perhaps because he was an English teacher, there are quizzes (answers in the back), but they're a lot of fun. Not everything in the book is strictly about puns. Lederer also includes Victor Borge's "Inflationary Language" which he illustrates with an original story.

More Books from Richard Lederer 

Puns galore and collections of accidental assaults on the English language from the master verbivore.

Puns Spooken Here

Amazon Price: $7.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Have Yourself a Punny Little Christmas

Amazon Price: $7.95 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon the English Language

Amazon Price: $9.99 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

The Bride of Anguished English: A Bonanza of Bloopers, Blunders, Botches, and Boo-Boos

Amazon Price: $10.04 (as of 12/10/2009) Buy Now

More Punny Links 

MobyD's Spoonerism Lens
A lens about Rev. Spooner, Col. Stoopnagle, and wixed-up murds in general. Lake a took! This lens was chosen Dens of the Lay for November 7, 2008.
Dick Ford's Punnery page
Dick Ford and I still get together almost once a week for punslinging, and we're joined on a semi-regular basis by a few of the other folks from the old GEnie Punnery days. He's got a page about the Punnery. He's also a graphic artist, so after you've checked out his Punnery page, look around his site for a while.
Richard Lederer's Verbivore
1989's Punster of the Year's site has articles, books, links and more.
PunPunPun
The online home for the O. Henry Pun-Off, P.U.N.Y (Punsters United Nearly Yearly), and lots of puns, of course.
Hay Visage form Sane Ticklish
Clement C. Moore's classic Christmas poem is translated into Anguish Languish. "Truss denied beef oar Crispness, win ol' Trudy Howes..."
Ground Fog Day
We've done without a holiday to determine whether or not we'll have six (or is it seven?) more weeks of Summer long enough!
Have Pun Will Travel - Pun Links
In addition to other pun links listed here, my Have Pun Will Travel Pun Links page also includes links to punny videos.
Bad Puns
Tales of the Pun-Expected - an extensive collection of puns, jokes, cartoons and pun resources.
Pun of the Day
Funny puns, jokes, one liners, wordplay & humor - a new pun each day, a funny person of the month, over 2,500 entries.
The Shaggy Pun Test
How many of 100 shaggy dog story punch lines can you recognize, or if you don't know the story, can you make one up?

The Punnery Guestbook 

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