The Thinking Man's Guide To The Benefits Of Driving Like A Complete Idiot
Ranked #1,070 in Humor, #165,887 overall
Think, Man! Driving Like A Complete Idiot Will Get You Ahead!
As I was saying, or not - as in this case, the art of driving like a complete idiot has been shunned for too long. Most vehicle operators today still believe, mistakenly, that driving within the speed limits or using the turn signals are necessary procedures to ensure a smooth traffic flow. Wrong.
To illustrate my point, I would like to just point out this single point: the University of Texas track stadium displays a huge sign which can be seen by thousand of drivers along the bypassing Interstate Highway. It says: "Practice Winning Every Day!". Now let me ask you this - how can you win if you drive along with the masses, at the same speed, and possibly even slowing down, at times, to grant somebody the right-of-way? Well - you can't, of course. You lose. Every time. But there is hope for you.
This thinking man's guide to the benefits of driving like a complete idiot shall educate you about the enormous importance of every single second won in today's uber-competitive traffic scenarios.
Isn't it time for all of us to overcome the stupendously stifling stigma attached to the word "idiot"?
Isn't it time to wear proudly the symbols of our new paradigm written in stark letters on our foreheads: "I'm a complete idiot!"
Let's step on it before it's too late.
Photo by CJSorg
Or, ride a bike!
FUNNY ANIMATED GIFS - FunnyAnimatedGifs.net
Contents at a Glance
- Complete Idiot Or Brilliant Strategist?
- Nice, Clean Parking! Impossible At 35 MPH.
- The All-Important Seconds - A Matter Of Life Or Death. Almost.
Complete Idiot Or Brilliant Strategist?
Use your brains when driving - whether you have them or not...
Photo by emdotA very common misconception of a potential winning strategy tells us that it's not worth it to drive more than 5 miles per hour above the speed limit. Oh. My. God! The same false prophets (look it up in the bible!) proclaim with a smugness beyond belief: "I'll catch up with you at the next red light!" Or, "In the long run - all you might gain is 30 seconds!"
That's where we get 'em!
Let's just pretend - for the debate's sake - that we can lower our IQ by a few turns. (Otherwise, the poor devils would not have a chance at understanding what we're saying.)
The complete ignorance of the tremendous value of 30 seconds is stunning, to say the least. Have they ever thought about what can be achieved in 30 seconds? Did it ever occur to any of these moronic mph pinchers that history has been made in much less than 30 seconds?
I would like to suggest a short break, while we are looking at a soothing image. When we come back, we'll look at some examples of world-wide significance - heroic actions designed to make this world a better place for our children - all completed in under 30 seconds.
Nice, Clean Parking! Impossible At 35 MPH.
The All-Important Seconds - A Matter Of Life Or Death. Almost.
Look what can be done in a few seconds...
You can easily see that a little effort of pressing down harder on the gas pedal can make all the difference in how you will spend the rest of your life - as a poor schmuck, or as a wealthy retiree playing golf in Pebble Beach. Go, look it up - it's beautiful there. Jack Nicklaus won the 1972 U.S.Open with a dead perfect 1-iron that struck the flag stick and dropped next to the cup for a tap in birdie. The tap lasted one half second. Get my drift?
Look - God created eternity and eternity is to God like a second! Hello-oh...anybody home? Shouldn't this clear and biblically proven statement be like a wink with a fence post to you? If a second means eternity to Him, shouldn't it be your worthwhile mission to "shave off a few" by speeding up a little?
Consider this very carefully: don't you read in the bible - everywhere - about the second coming of Christ? Duh.
Photo by fangars
"Flames" Form Beautiful Accents In Drab Landscape
Scientific Proof That A Few Seconds Can Make A Huge Difference
A little faster through this stop light could have saved a lot of troble...
curated content from YouTube
A Quick Word About The Wide-Spread Misuse Of Turn Signals
Please read carefully - it might change your life! (Or end it.)
Approximately 50-80 yards before you intend to make a left or right turn with your car - and before you begin to slow down - engage the appropriate turn light to alert the drivers around you of your intentions.
What a complete crock of!
Think! Not only is there a good chance that you are holding either a cigarette and/or a cell phone in your left - and the last thing you need is another chore to do with that hand - it is also a potentially fatal distraction. Why would you want to take your focus off of an important phone conversation, just to demonstrate a little blinking light show to a completely disinterested audience. Nobody is watching you anyway.
Here is the thinking man's approach to the use of turn signals like a complete idiot, including some of the many benefits:
- When you get to within 20-30 yards of your intended turning point - hit the brakes. Hard. Look around and make sure that everyone else in your vicinity has slowed down and is watching nervously for your next move.
- Quickly swerve across 2 or more lanes towards the corner of your turn. Then - and only then - turn on your blinkers to let everyone know that you have arrived safely in your turning lane.
- The collective sigh of relief from the drivers around you will ensure your place in their memory as a well-adjusted participant in today's ever more challenging traffic situations.
- Many of them will acknowledge their gratitude for a smoother continuation of their trips with a friendly hand (or finger) signal.
- Make sure to keep your signals engaged for several more minutes, whether you'll be turning again, or not. That's just common sense.
Genius Advice For Aspiring Idiots
What would the Master say?
Image courtesy of kimberlyfaye. Thank you.
The Most Important Thing Is...
...you, of course!
Did God create htheymans? Or, hthemmans? No, silly!
God created hUmans - Undisputably Unique hUmans. Just look at the signs, everywhere along the highways -
"U-turn".
There you have it.
Find Confirmation In More Education!
Check out this consciousness-building work...
How to be Your Own Selfish Pig: And Other Ways You've Been Brainwashed
Amazon Price: $10.99 (as of 11/29/2009)
List Price: $10.99
Used Price: $7.90
Release Date: 12/31/1969
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Great Resources To Improve Your Selfishness
Practice winning every day!
- Ayn Rand on "Selfishness"
- Selfishness is a virtue, says the great Ayn Rand.
- Great quotes on "selfishness"
- What smart folks have to say about "selfishness"...
- Religious views on "selfishness"
- Oooh - these are good ones!
- Selfish driving
- Hehehe...
Famous Idiot Quote By Mark Twain - no less:
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself"
Idiots On Amazon
Great Examples Of Driving Like A Complete Idiot...
...and reaping the benefits, too!
Women Car accident compilation
http://bezuga.blogspot.com/ Mulheres ao volante!
curated content from YouTube
The Perfect Driving Manual For Every Household
Make sure you order your copy today!
The Complete Idiot's Guide to NASCAR
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Used Price: $0.02
Release Date: 12/31/1969
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- gmarlett gmarlett Oct 12, 2008 @ 10:52 am
- Haaa - very funny stuff! I love the videos. Welcome to the Parody and Satire Group!
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- triathlontraining triathlontraining Sep 16, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
- I love your lenses! You put real humor to just about anything. :)
5*
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- animal_lover79 animal_lover79 Sep 11, 2008 @ 10:33 am
- Very fun take on driving today. Five stars!
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- Caseyfern Caseyfern Aug 25, 2008 @ 8:19 pm
- Most excellent! I thank the Powers that Be that I am not an incomplete idiot. A welcome tribute to one of life's little realities- thank you!
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- Aug 25, 2008 @ 11:58 am
- Practical advice for anyone seeking to improve their driving skills. Highly recommended. 5*
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- enslavedbyfaeries enslavedbyfaeries Jul 27, 2008 @ 5:42 pm
- Oh, now I see where my dad learned all his fancy driving tips... although, I don't see a section on driving down the middle of the road and occasionally swerving into your own lane when not distracted by your cell phone or eating a burger and fries. You rock Chef! Thanks for a much needed laugh. :)
BTW, thank you for featuring my mosquito lens, I'm really honored to be included on this lens.
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- ElizabethJeanAllen ElizabethJeanAllen Jul 24, 2008 @ 6:15 am
- I love your stuff. You have a different way of looking at the world. I would rather laugh than cry.
5*
Lizzy
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- mulberry mulberry Jul 14, 2008 @ 10:26 am
- Hilarious! We talk about how kids may not always understand that the violence they see in cartoons could result in horrible consequences versus what they see on the screen when the character merely dusts himself off and moves on. I think adults are even more out of contact with reality. Better to laugh about it I guess than shoot someone.
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- hunnydoodle hunnydoodle Jul 13, 2008 @ 4:57 pm
- Still laughing! Funny, hunny!
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