The Thinking Man's Guide To The Benefits Of Driving Like A Complete Idiot

Ranked #19,344 in Culture & Society, #390,614 overall | Donates to Operation Helmet

Think, Man! Driving Like A Complete Idiot Will Get You Ahead!

You're looking at a long-overdue intellectual master piece - a work for the ages, crafted by sages. If you are not a thinking man, you might miss the great benefits outlined here in this handy yet easy-on-the-eye guide to the previously unheard-of benefits of driving like a complete idiot. You might be a thinking woman. Your gender-specific version is in the works. Meanwhile, try to find your inner male.

As I was saying, or not - as in this case, the art of driving like a complete idiot has been shunned for too long. Most vehicle operators today still believe, mistakenly, that driving within the speed limits or using the turn signals are necessary procedures to ensure a smooth traffic flow. Wrong.

To illustrate my point, I would like to just point out this single point: the University of Texas track stadium displays a huge sign which can be seen by thousand of drivers along the bypassing Interstate Highway. It says: "Practice Winning Every Day!". Now let me ask you this - how can you win if you drive along with the masses, at the same speed, and possibly even slowing down, at times, to grant somebody the right-of-way? Well - you can't, of course. You lose. Every time. But there is hope for you.

This thinking man's guide to the benefits of driving like a complete idiot shall educate you about the enormous importance of every single second won in today's uber-competitive traffic scenarios.

Isn't it time for all of us to overcome the stupendously stifling stigma attached to the word "idiot"?

Isn't it time to wear proudly the symbols of our new paradigm written in stark letters on our foreheads: "I'm a complete idiot!"


Let's step on it before it's too late.

Photo by CJSorg

Or, ride a bike!
FUNNY ANIMATED GIFS - FunnyAnimatedGifs.net
FUNNY ANIMATED GIFS - FunnyAnimatedGifs.net

Complete Idiot Or Brilliant Strategist?

Use your brains when driving - whether you have them or not...

Photo by emdot

A very common misconception of a potential winning strategy tells us that it's not worth it to drive more than 5 miles per hour above the speed limit. Oh. My. God! The same false prophets (look it up in the bible!) proclaim with a smugness beyond belief: "I'll catch up with you at the next red light!" Or, "In the long run - all you might gain is 30 seconds!"

That's where we get 'em!

Let's just pretend - for the debate's sake - that we can lower our IQ by a few turns. (Otherwise, the poor devils would not have a chance at understanding what we're saying.)

The complete ignorance of the tremendous value of 30 seconds is stunning, to say the least. Have they ever thought about what can be achieved in 30 seconds? Did it ever occur to any of these moronic mph pinchers that history has been made in much less than 30 seconds?

I would like to suggest a short break, while we are looking at a soothing image. When we come back, we'll look at some examples of world-wide significance - heroic actions designed to make this world a better place for our children - all completed in under 30 seconds.

Nice, Clean Parking! Impossible At 35 MPH. 

The All-Important Seconds - A Matter Of Life Or Death. Almost.

Look what can be done in a few seconds...

I'm as serious as a bender before a fender bender. Professionals (experts; people who know a thing or two) tell us: you win or lose a sale in the first 30 seconds. That short period of your first impression could decide over the biggest sale of your life. Are you with me? Not yet? Read more over there.

You can easily see that a little effort of pressing down harder on the gas pedal can make all the difference in how you will spend the rest of your life - as a poor schmuck, or as a wealthy retiree playing golf in Pebble Beach. Go, look it up - it's beautiful there. Jack Nicklaus won the 1972 U.S.Open with a dead perfect 1-iron that struck the flag stick and dropped next to the cup for a tap in birdie. The tap lasted one half second. Get my drift?

Look - God created eternity and eternity is to God like a second! Hello-oh...anybody home? Shouldn't this clear and biblically proven statement be like a wink with a fence post to you? If a second means eternity to Him, shouldn't it be your worthwhile mission to "shave off a few" by speeding up a little?

Consider this very carefully: don't you read in the bible - everywhere - about the second coming of Christ? Duh.

Photo by fangars

"Flames" Form Beautiful Accents In Drab Landscape 

Scientific Proof That A Few Seconds Can Make A Huge Difference

A little faster through this stop light could have saved a lot of troble...

Loading

A Quick Word About The Wide-Spread Misuse Of Turn Signals

Please read carefully - it might change your life! (Or end it.)

Here's what they teach you. "They" - meaning driving schools, and other misguided institutions:

Approximately 50-80 yards before you intend to make a left or right turn with your car - and before you begin to slow down - engage the appropriate turn light to alert the drivers around you of your intentions.

What a complete crock of!

Think! Not only is there a good chance that you are holding either a cigarette and/or a cell phone in your left - and the last thing you need is another chore to do with that hand - it is also a potentially fatal distraction. Why would you want to take your focus off of an important phone conversation, just to demonstrate a little blinking light show to a completely disinterested audience. Nobody is watching you anyway.

Here is the thinking man's approach to the use of turn signals like a complete idiot, including some of the many benefits:

  • When you get to within 20-30 yards of your intended turning point - hit the brakes. Hard. Look around and make sure that everyone else in your vicinity has slowed down and is watching nervously for your next move.

  • Quickly swerve across 2 or more lanes towards the corner of your turn. Then - and only then - turn on your blinkers to let everyone know that you have arrived safely in your turning lane.

  • The collective sigh of relief from the drivers around you will ensure your place in their memory as a well-adjusted participant in today's ever more challenging traffic situations.

  • Many of them will acknowledge their gratitude for a smoother continuation of their trips with a friendly hand (or finger) signal.

  • Make sure to keep your signals engaged for several more minutes, whether you'll be turning again, or not. That's just common sense.

Genius Advice For Aspiring Idiots

What would the Master say?

Image courtesy of kimberlyfaye. Thank you.

Don't race through puddles in front of a park bench!

0 points

Grab this list

Important!

The Most Important Thing Is...

...you, of course!

Did God create htheymans? Or, hthemmans? No, silly!
God created hUmans - Undisputably Unique hUmans. Just look at the signs, everywhere along the highways -
"U-turn".
There you have it.

Find Confirmation In More Education!

Check out this consciousness-building work...

How to be Your Own Selfish Pig: And Other Ways You've Been Brainwashed

Amazon Price: $8.99 (as of 02/17/2012)Buy Now
List Price: $10.99
Used Price: $7.74

Release Date: 12/31/1969

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

Great Resources To Improve Your Selfishness

Practice winning every day!

Ayn Rand on "Selfishness"
Selfishness is a virtue, says the great Ayn Rand.
Great quotes on "selfishness"
What smart folks have to say about "selfishness"...
Religious views on "selfishness"
Oooh - these are good ones!
Selfish driving
Hehehe...

Famous Idiot Quote By Mark Twain - no less:

"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself"

A Few Cool Remodeling Tips

When the factory design just won't do...

Loading

Great Examples Of Driving Like A Complete Idiot...

...and reaping the benefits, too!

Loading

The Perfect Driving Manual For Every Household

Make sure you order your copy today!

The Complete Idiot's Guide to NASCAR

Amazon Price: $0.21 (as of 02/17/2012)Buy Now
List Price: $14.95
Used Price: $0.01

Release Date: 01/02/2008

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

America Speaks Up On Google

Your thoughts on bad drivers
By Philip Wolf, The Daily News February 9, 2012 Bad Drivers II: Slow Guy in the Fast Lane. Coming soon to a Nanaimo roadway near you. A week ago in this very space, I aired some of my most prominent pet peeves when it comes to driving in and around our ...
BMW Highly-Automated Car Barely Needs You
It never ceases to amaze me when I drive somewhere just how many idiot drivers I see reading, texting, and doing anything other than keeping their eyes on the road. The government is trying to combat distracted drivers but what they really need to be ...
Keep library at Westdale Mall
There is nothing more dangerous than two idiot drivers driving 55 mph side by side with traffic backed up behind them, afraid of getting ticketed. The west-side library needs to be kept at Westdale Mall. Move it to the county office.
Idiot London drivers, learn how to drive in the snow
Rule number one, do not break heavily when you are driving on snow, use your gears to slow down and give way to drivers who are driving up a hill. So to that idiot in the tractor that is the Audi Q7 why were you braking heavily down North Hill in ...

Take A Stand Now - Or Be Silent Forever...

We need your opinion today!

Loading poll. Please Wait...

Squidoo Lensmasters Exposing Some Pretty Idiotic Stuff...

Go, visit for some levity in your life...

Loading

Idiotically Great Deals On EBay

Loading

More Funny Stuff From Our Lensmasters...

One of these lenses is only funny to some people. Guess which?

I give you a hint - "ph factor"
Loading

A Grumpy Old Broad Deals With Plenty Of Idiots...

Loading Fetching RSS feed... please stand by

Thanks For Visiting This Idiotic Lens o' Mine!

I'm glad you stopped by and I hope you've learned something you can use...

Please consider your star rating on top of this page. See you later... :-)

Don't think too hard - you might grow something! Please follow me on twitter - click on the pic!
SayTweet badge
Make your own twitter badge at SayTweet.com!

submit

by

chefkeem

Welcome to my lens, dear visitor! I hope you enjoy your stay. I'd like to invite my German-speaking friends to browse my articles on more »

Feeling creative? Create a Lens!