The Thinking Man's Guide To The Benefits Of Driving Like A Complete Idiot

Photo by emdot

A very common misconception of a potential winning strategy tells us that it's not worth it to drive more than 5 miles per hour above the speed limit. Oh. My. God! The same false prophets (look it up in the bible!) proclaim with a smugness beyond belief: "I'll catch up with you at the next red light!" Or, "In the long run - all you might gain is 30 seconds!"

That's where we get 'em!

Let's just pretend - for the debate's sake - that we can lower our IQ by a few turns. (Otherwise, the poor devils would not have a chance at understanding what we're saying.)

The complete ignorance of the tremendous value of 30 seconds is stunning, to say the least. Have they ever thought about what can be achieved in 30 seconds? Did it ever occur to any of these moronic mph pinchers that history has been made in much less than 30 seconds?

I would like to suggest a short break, while we are looking at a soothing image. When we come back, we'll look at some examples of world-wide significance - heroic actions designed to make this world a better place for our children - all completed in under 30 seconds.

I'm as serious as a bender before a fender bender. Professionals (experts; people who know a thing or two) tell us: you win or lose a sale in the first 30 seconds. That short period of your first impression could decide over the biggest sale of your life. Are you with me? Not yet? Read more over there.

You can easily see that a little effort of pressing down harder on the gas pedal can make all the difference in how you will spend the rest of your life - as a poor schmuck, or as a wealthy retiree playing golf in Pebble Beach. Go, look it up - it's beautiful there. Jack Nicklaus won the 1972 U.S.Open with a dead perfect 1-iron that struck the flag stick and dropped next to the cup for a tap in birdie. The tap lasted one half second. Get my drift?

Look - God created eternity and eternity is to God like a second! Hello-oh...anybody home? Shouldn't this clear and biblically proven statement be like a wink with a fence post to you? If a second means eternity to Him, shouldn't it be your worthwhile mission to "shave off a few" by speeding up a little?

Consider this very carefully: don't you read in the bible - everywhere - about the second coming of Christ? Duh.

Photo by fangars

Here's what they teach you. "They" - meaning driving schools, and other misguided institutions:

Approximately 50-80 yards before you intend to make a left or right turn with your car - and before you begin to slow down - engage the appropriate turn light to alert the drivers around you of your intentions.

What a complete crock of!

Think! Not only is there a good chance that you are holding either a cigarette and/or a cell phone in your left - and the last thing you need is another chore to do with that hand - it is also a potentially fatal distraction. Why would you want to take your focus off of an important phone conversation, just to demonstrate a little blinking light show to a completely disinterested audience. Nobody is watching you anyway.

Here is the thinking man's approach to the use of turn signals like a complete idiot, including some of the many benefits:

• When you get to within 20-30 yards of your intended turning point - hit the brakes. Hard. Look around and make sure that everyone else in your vicinity has slowed down and is watching nervously for your next move.


• Quickly swerve across 2 or more lanes towards the corner of your turn. Then - and only then - turn on your blinkers to let everyone know that you have arrived safely in your turning lane.


• The collective sigh of relief from the drivers around you will ensure your place in their memory as a well-adjusted participant in today's ever more challenging traffic situations.


• Many of them will acknowledge their gratitude for a smoother continuation of their trips with a friendly hand (or finger) signal.


• Make sure to keep your signals engaged for several more minutes, whether you'll be turning again, or not. That's just common sense.