The Thinking Man's Guide To The Benefits Of Driving Like A Complete Idiot
Ranked #612 in Humor, #101,831 overall | Donates to Operation Helmet
Think, Man! Driving Like A Complete Idiot Will Get You Ahead!
As I was saying, or not - as in this case, the art of driving like a complete idiot has been shunned for too long. Most vehicle operators today still believe, mistakenly, that driving within the speed limits or using the turn signals are necessary procedures to ensure a smooth traffic flow. Wrong.
To illustrate my point, I would like to just point out this single point: the University of Texas track stadium displays a huge sign which can be seen by thousand of drivers along the bypassing Interstate Highway. It says: "Practice Winning Every Day!". Now let me ask you this - how can you win if you drive along with the masses, at the same speed, and possibly even slowing down, at times, to grant somebody the right-of-way? Well - you can't, of course. You lose. Every time. But there is hope for you.
This thinking man's guide to the benefits of driving like a complete idiot shall educate you about the enormous importance of every single second won in today's uber-competitive traffic scenarios.
Isn't it time for all of us to overcome the stupendously stifling stigma attached to the word "idiot"?
Isn't it time to wear proudly the symbols of our new paradigm written in stark letters on our foreheads: "I'm a complete idiot!"
Let's step on it before it's too late.
Photo by CJSorg
Or, ride a bike!
FUNNY ANIMATED GIFS - FunnyAnimatedGifs.net
Contents at a Glance
- Complete Idiot Or Brilliant Strategist?
- Nice, Clean Parking! Impossible At 35 MPH.
- The All-Important Seconds - A Matter Of Life Or Death. Almost.
Complete Idiot Or Brilliant Strategist?
Use your brains when driving - whether you have them or not...
Photo by emdotA very common misconception of a potential winning strategy tells us that it's not worth it to drive more than 5 miles per hour above the speed limit. Oh. My. God! The same false prophets (look it up in the bible!) proclaim with a smugness beyond belief: "I'll catch up with you at the next red light!" Or, "In the long run - all you might gain is 30 seconds!"
That's where we get 'em!
Let's just pretend - for the debate's sake - that we can lower our IQ by a few turns. (Otherwise, the poor devils would not have a chance at understanding what we're saying.)
The complete ignorance of the tremendous value of 30 seconds is stunning, to say the least. Have they ever thought about what can be achieved in 30 seconds? Did it ever occur to any of these moronic mph pinchers that history has been made in much less than 30 seconds?
I would like to suggest a short break, while we are looking at a soothing image. When we come back, we'll look at some examples of world-wide significance - heroic actions designed to make this world a better place for our children - all completed in under 30 seconds.
Nice, Clean Parking! Impossible At 35 MPH.
The All-Important Seconds - A Matter Of Life Or Death. Almost.
Look what can be done in a few seconds...
You can easily see that a little effort of pressing down harder on the gas pedal can make all the difference in how you will spend the rest of your life - as a poor schmuck, or as a wealthy retiree playing golf in Pebble Beach. Go, look it up - it's beautiful there. Jack Nicklaus won the 1972 U.S.Open with a dead perfect 1-iron that struck the flag stick and dropped next to the cup for a tap in birdie. The tap lasted one half second. Get my drift?
Look - God created eternity and eternity is to God like a second! Hello-oh...anybody home? Shouldn't this clear and biblically proven statement be like a wink with a fence post to you? If a second means eternity to Him, shouldn't it be your worthwhile mission to "shave off a few" by speeding up a little?
Consider this very carefully: don't you read in the bible - everywhere - about the second coming of Christ? Duh.
Photo by fangars
"Flames" Form Beautiful Accents In Drab Landscape
Scientific Proof That A Few Seconds Can Make A Huge Difference
A little faster through this stop light could have saved a lot of troble...
A Quick Word About The Wide-Spread Misuse Of Turn Signals
Please read carefully - it might change your life! (Or end it.)
Approximately 50-80 yards before you intend to make a left or right turn with your car - and before you begin to slow down - engage the appropriate turn light to alert the drivers around you of your intentions.
What a complete crock of!
Think! Not only is there a good chance that you are holding either a cigarette and/or a cell phone in your left - and the last thing you need is another chore to do with that hand - it is also a potentially fatal distraction. Why would you want to take your focus off of an important phone conversation, just to demonstrate a little blinking light show to a completely disinterested audience. Nobody is watching you anyway.
Here is the thinking man's approach to the use of turn signals like a complete idiot, including some of the many benefits:
- When you get to within 20-30 yards of your intended turning point - hit the brakes. Hard. Look around and make sure that everyone else in your vicinity has slowed down and is watching nervously for your next move.
- Quickly swerve across 2 or more lanes towards the corner of your turn. Then - and only then - turn on your blinkers to let everyone know that you have arrived safely in your turning lane.
- The collective sigh of relief from the drivers around you will ensure your place in their memory as a well-adjusted participant in today's ever more challenging traffic situations.
- Many of them will acknowledge their gratitude for a smoother continuation of their trips with a friendly hand (or finger) signal.
- Make sure to keep your signals engaged for several more minutes, whether you'll be turning again, or not. That's just common sense.
Genius Advice For Aspiring Idiots
What would the Master say?
Image courtesy of kimberlyfaye. Thank you.
The Most Important Thing Is...
...you, of course!
Did God create htheymans? Or, hthemmans? No, silly!
God created hUmans - Undisputably Unique hUmans. Just look at the signs, everywhere along the highways -
"U-turn".
There you have it.
Find Confirmation In More Education!
Check out this consciousness-building work...
How to be Your Own Selfish Pig: And Other Ways You've Been Brainwashed
Amazon Price: $10.99 (as of 07/14/2009)
List Price: $10.99
Used Price: $10.00
Release Date: 12/31/1969
Avg. Customer Rating: 
Usually ships in 24 hours
Great Resources To Improve Your Selfishness
Practice winning every day!
- Ayn Rand on "Selfishness"
- Selfishness is a virtue, says the great Ayn Rand.
- Great quotes on "selfishness"
- What smart folks have to say about "selfishness"...
- Religious views on "selfishness"
- Oooh - these are good ones!
- Selfish driving
- Hehehe...
Famous Idiot Quote By Mark Twain - no less:
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself"
Idiots On Amazon
A Few Cool Remodeling Tips
When the factory design just won't do...
A car full of drunk teenage idiots versus a tree- the tree won!
I have an averseness to Mercedes-drivers in general. I know it%u2019s a cliché, bu...
Patrick's car after being driven into by idiots.
Great Examples Of Driving Like A Complete Idiot...
...and reaping the benefits, too!
The Perfect Driving Manual For Every Household
Make sure you order your copy today!
The Complete Idiot's Guide to NASCAR
Amazon Price: $11.21 (as of 07/14/2009)
List Price: $14.95
Used Price: $1.72
Release Date: 12/31/1969
Avg. Customer Rating:
Usually ships in 24 hours
America Speaks Up On Google
- Open letter to idiot drivers | Amal Graafstra
- Many people in physically smaller, more dense countries enjoy efficient, effective public transportation. For the typical American not living in New York,
- Friggin' Idiot Drivers
- Friggin' Idiot Drivers. Posted by Notoriously Conservative . 7/08/2009. Labels: morals/ethics. I hate drivers that refuse to follow the law. The other day I was driving to work down a busy street; I had just passed under the freeway, ...
- Police chief denounces 'cowardly' iPhone users monitoring speed ...
- Someone should inform Ms. Lanier that if you drive the speed limit the idiot drivers in D.C. will be inches, and I mean literally inches, off your bumper. If I drive the speed limit I'll get hit in the rear. punditius. Jul 8, 2009 ...
- Sexism at Peach Pundit : Georgia Liberal
- I used to think that was just nanny-statism at its worst, but every single time I encounter an idiot driver on the road, there is a cell phone to her ear. Apparently, Erick only encounters bad female drivers? ...
Take A Stand Now - Or Be Silent Forever...
We need your opinion today!
Squidoo Lensmasters Exposing Some Pretty Idiotic Stuff...
Go, visit for some levity in your life...
-
Weird Things - Strange Facts - Funny Stuff - Cool Links
-
ENTHUSIASM UNLIMITED This guy is the body jewelry company's very best customer. Wanna get some of this stuff? Visit This Body Jewelry Store My lens here is filled with weird stuff. You have to scroll and look at all of it to get the re...
-
Arkansas Hillbilly The Official Redneck of the South
-
Before we go any further, I just want to say I am from Arkansas! So I have the experience to back this page up!! Whats the first thing that comes to your mind when someone says Arkansas? Most people will say hillbillies. Some might say Clinton or Raz...
-
The Funniest Squidoo Lensmasters
-
Squidoo lensmasters work hard to provide remarkable, original content in beautifully designed lenses. This lens features the lighter side of it all - the funny stuff! Funny videos, funny stories, jokes, and pictures. Funny quotes, funny animals, game...
-
FUNNY PLACE NAMES
-
What possessed anyone to come up with these daffy, delectable, or downright distinctive town names like Black Tickle (Newfoundland & Labrador), Humptulips (Washington), and Frog Suck (Wyoming)? And quite frankly, who would want to admit that they ha...
-
Mosquito Protection Society
-
I know you are probably asking yourself who on earth would harm such tiny, fairy-like creatures, but sadly, millions of mosquitoes are injured or killed every year by humans. Our goal at the Mosquito Protection Society is to educate people about how...
Idiotically Great Deals On EBay
Fetching new data from eBay now... please stand by
More Funny Stuff From Our Lensmasters...
One of these lenses is only funny to some people. Guess which?
I give you a hint - "ph factor"-
Hilarious Emails
-
Several of my friends and quite a few of my family members love to send and share funny emails. They scour the web for these hilarious treats and forward them to everyone in their address books in hopes of giving someone a smile for the day. Hilario...
-
Religious Jokes - The Best Religious And Church Humor
-
Religious Jokes can be really funny. It doesn't matter whether they are Church Jokes, Bible Jokes or Baptist Jokes, are something that everybody likes. There are even some really funny Jewish Jokes these days - jokes for just about everyone. With th...
-
Menopause: You Need Some Laughter!
-
It is no fun being a cantankerous hell-on-wheels! Especially if you aren't used to it! Well I knew something was wrong when my usual charming self found it okay to flip the bird to someone that ticked me off on the highway (thank goodness I don't liv...
-
-
Write Gooder With Help From William Safire's Fumblerules
-
Years ago, way before I was cornated as a Giant Squid, folks was always trying to illicit my good writing secrets. Heck, what was I suppose to do? Hoard them like a greedy miser in my chester drawers? Anyways, I could care less about there getting be...
A Grumpy Old Broad Deals With Plenty Of Idiots...
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byThanks For Visiting This Idiotic Lens o' Mine!
I'm glad you stopped by and I hope you've learned something you can use...
Please consider your star rating on top of this page. See you later... :-)
Don't think too hard - you might grow something! Please follow me on twitter - click on the pic!
Make your own twitter badge at SayTweet.com!
gmarlett wrote...
Haaa - very funny stuff! I love the videos. Welcome to the Parody and Satire Group!
Posted October 12, 2008
triathlontraining wrote...
I love your lenses! You put real humor to just about anything. :)
5*
Posted September 16, 2008
Caseyfern wrote...
Most excellent! I thank the Powers that Be that I am not an incomplete idiot. A welcome tribute to one of life's little realities- thank you!
Posted August 25, 2008
RufusQuail wrote...
Practical advice for anyone seeking to improve their driving skills. Highly recommended. 5*
Posted August 25, 2008
enslavedbyfaeries wrote...
Oh, now I see where my dad learned all his fancy driving tips... although, I don't see a section on driving down the middle of the road and occasionally swerving into your own lane when not distracted by your cell phone or eating a burger and fries. You rock Chef! Thanks for a much needed laugh. :)
BTW, thank you for featuring my mosquito lens, I'm really honored to be included on this lens.
Posted July 27, 2008
ElizabethJeanAllen wrote...
I love your stuff. You have a different way of looking at the world. I would rather laugh than cry.
5*
Lizzy
Posted July 24, 2008
mulberry wrote...
Hilarious! We talk about how kids may not always understand that the violence they see in cartoons could result in horrible consequences versus what they see on the screen when the character merely dusts himself off and moves on. I think adults are even more out of contact with reality. Better to laugh about it I guess than shoot someone.
Posted July 14, 2008
Follow Me On Twitter!
- chefkeem
- aka Chef Keem
- 897 followers
- 429 following
-
- How to dance like an idiot for better time management! Richly illustrated instructions: http://bit.ly/7M8Hp
-
- @jaguarjulie Hey Julie - good for you! Kebab-a-doodle-eeh-aiiii! Gotta run... :-( talk later...
-
- @MYOBTrainer I didn't even think about any possible copyright issues w/MYOB - it's sold on Amazon. I just like the content. Hope, no trouble
-
- Top Kitchen Knives Sale: J. A. Henckels 18-Piece Set 69 Percent OFF! Instead of $680 only $212! I love these knives - http://shar.es/CtNW
-
- I appreciate this Branding site by @IMAGEidentity : http://imageidentity.com/ Extensive onsite preview of MYOB (Mind Your Own Brand)
by chefkeem
May I invite you to visit me at ChefKeem.com?
For the best macaroons you've ever tasted follow my easy, illustrated Coconut Macaroons Recipe. My Tre... (more)
