Surviving and Thriving With A Teenager In Your Life

When I'm having a particularly difficult day parenting my son, I repeat this mantra, "I understand that within a couple of years they become human again." My sense of humor is the only thing that's gotten me through some days (weeks, months, years; fill in the blank).

I've always said my son has been my greatest teacher. He's taught me plenty of things I didn't even know I needed to learn. He's also provided me with the opportunity to investigate solutions to 'problems' I didn't know existed before.

I've learned that I can survive most anything from trips to the hospital to frightening bursts of anger. Ugly words I never thought I'd have to worry about: psychosis, overmedication, quitting school, runaway, considering suicide. I thought only 'bad parents' ever had to deal with stuff like that.

But it's all about taking the lesson and leaving the rest. When I've lost my temper and allowed myself to be dragged into yet another power struggle, it's provided me with an opportunity practice getting out of a jam.

I'll share some hints and tips I've learned for maintaining your sanity while parenting a teen.

"Mom, can I come over?" he said through obvious tearfulness.
"Absolutely."
This time I had an opportunity to think through how I'd like things to go. I took a couple of deep breaths and calmed myself. My tendency has been to get panicky in a similar situation. I knew that if my teenage son felt compelled to call and come over, he was probably not in a good mood. My 'mom instinct' has usually been to try and fix things and to do a lot of talking when he shows up in tears to tell me how miserable things are in his life.

More than anything, I wanted to let him know how much I love him. How deeply he is loved. I decided that the most loving thing I could do was to listen. Today I decided I'd keep my mouth closed. Suddenly I understood that I really *can't* fix anything for him. He's almost 19 and I keep saying he's got to 'find his own way'. Well, it's high time I start letting him do just that.

So I offered him a big hug and a cup of tea when he came in. He accepted both gladly. I actually didn't say much after that. He fussed around with the tea. As he stirred in the sugar, he started to talk. And sob. I stood there and rubbed his back and I listened. In some ways it was really hard to just stand there and listen and say nothing. And at the same time, I think it might have been the most loving thing I've ever done.

I let his comments wash over me. All about his living environment and how unfair he felt things were and how he didn't like things that were going on and how hopeless he felt and how angry he was feeling about the people he lives around and the stuff about classes and the problems with sleep and how awful he felt and how long he'd gone without eating and whether he'd have a place to go if things didn't work out...I stood there rubbing his back and listening. Not saying anything - just listening.

He had a lot to say. I felt very sad hearing the things he's struggling with. But I kept on listening, reminding myself how important it is to every one of us to feel heard. I made him a sandwich. I handed him a favorite bear to hug. I gave him a little, glass heart that fits in the palm of your hand (I usually carry one around with me). I said it sounded like he was really dealing with a lot. I said he was welcome to stay until he felt ready to go home. I didn't offer to rescue him or give him a ride - I believe I expressed total confidence in his ability to handle it all, even though it seemed like so much to handle. I said something like, "you'll find your way."

Then I gave him a few more hugs and told him how much I love him. And he left.

I felt an unfamiliar peacefulness as I closed the door. I felt as if I'd done everything in my ability to convey how deeply I love my son. I did it by letting him say what he needed to say and by listening. Loving, silently.

It's truly awesome what actually happens to a teenage brain and body. We're only starting to understand how and what it's all about. The MIT Young Adult Development Project provides an overview of what happens during the young adult years in the brain and in underlying thinking skills, as well as what contributes to healthy development, what can go wrong, and ways to help.

If you are interested in the nitty-gritty of this emerging science, I encourage you to look at the MIT Young Adult Development Project

Empowering Teens to Build Self-Esteem

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!:
Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind

The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens

Changing Bodies, Changing Lives:
Expanded Third Edition:
A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships

Positive Discipline for Teenagers
(Positive Discipline)

The original version of this article appears here.

Although there are times when praise can be encouraging, parents will be most effective if they avoid praising children too often. "Encouragement" helps our children believe in themselves. This is known as "internal gratification." "Praise" such as good, great, better, best, and excellent condition children to look for "external gratification." Praise keeps your child dependent on the authority figure to feel good about themselves. On the other hand, encouragement allows your child to focus on how she feels from the inside out. For example: phrases like, "It looks like you enjoyed drawing that picture," rather than "You're a good boy" gives the child responsibility for his happiness rather than looking for someone or something to bring him happiness. Children realize that it is their challenge to do things to make themselves happy. Adults who did not learn this lesson in childhood often disturb relationships later because they expect others to make them happy. Praise can be a disguise for expressing our personal values and opinions. Praise focuses on the person where encouragement focuses on the effort! Through encouragement we are teaching children to look inside themselves for their motivation, for the answers to their questions, and for knowing their purpose and direction.

Encouragement has it's own language. Here are some examples of phrases that express encouragement:

"You seem to like that"

"Thanks, that helped me a lot"

"You really worked hard on that"

"How do you feel about it"

"I need your help on..."

"What do you think"

"You can do it"

"You're getting better at..."

"I like the way you..."
POINTS TO PONDER

>Ask open-ended questions. Questions that have no simple single answer. >Encourage your child to think, explain, and explore. >Try to redirect a child's thinking process when you hear statements like "I don't care" and "it doesn't matter to me". >Encourage your children to have their own thoughts and opinions. Ask: "What do you think?" >Recognize and encourage - "I like the way you..." >Accept your child's feelings of failure and encourage more attempts. >Good results come from experience; experience comes from bad results. >Help your child see the alternatives in challenging situations. "I know algebra seems hard to master, let's see if there is anything we could do to make it easier to understand." >Explore ideas together giving your child the lead.

There are four main ways parents can encourage their children: (1) show confidence - giving your child responsibility is a nonverbal way of showing confidence (2) build on strengths - acknowledge what they do well (3) value the child - separate worth from accomplishments and misbehavior, accept uniqueness (4) stimulate independence.

Writing encouragement letters to your family members are a continuous way to empower each other and work through tough situations without hurting feelings. Keeping your communication lines open, as a family will create bonding and closeness among family members... one of the greatest gifts a parent could give a child.

© INCAF 1998-2007

Some statistics indicate that 5% of all teens will suffer from depression, yet only 20% of depressed teens are appropriately diagnosed and treated. Even though adolescents are notoriously 'moody', persistent unhappiness or moodiness is not normal for anyone. Fortunately, appropriate treatment can help more than 90% of those who suffer from depression.

More information specific to teenage depression is available at www.depressedteens.com . Check them out!

Transforming the Difficult Child

Your Defiant Child:
Eight Steps to Better Behavior

The Explosive Child:
A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

The Defiant Child:
A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight:
What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World

I just learned of her existence today, and lo and behold she has an incredible program entitled Motivating the Teen Spirit. I took a look at the video on the site ( http://www.motivatingtheteenspirit.com/ ) and was just blown away.

My son and I are in fact, about to attend an event known as "warrior camp" run by Peak Potentials that I believe will tap into some of the same ideas about inner strength and one's true self.

I believe that the more tools we can offer our teens, the better. Our job is to send them out into the big world with as many options for success as we know how to provide.

It is said that the two most valuable things we offer our children are ROOTS and WINGS. Roots that go deep and hold them fast in the most difficult of times. Wings to fly off and be in the world on their own. I commend Ms. Nichols' work in Motivating the Teen Spirit!