Top 10 MASH Quotes

PA Announcement

Hear ye, hear ye.
It's oh-seven-hundred and all is hell.
Incoming wounded folks!

Hawkeye: Okay, Major, honey. I'm going to have a couple shots of Scotch and go to bed. I'd normally ask you to join me but obviously you're a female version of the regular army clown. That turns me off.

Hot Lips: I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps?

Father Mulcahy: He got drafted.

PA Announcement

The glee club meets in the mess tent
at o-eight hundred hours.
The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh...
Father Mulcahy's solo "I'm confessin That I Love You."

Look, all I know is what they taught
me at command school.
There are certain rules about a war
and rule number one is young men die.
And rule number two
is doctors can't change rule number one.

Henry Blake

PA Announcement

A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party
for the Korean children in the area
will be held today at fourteen hundred hours.
So everyone turn out to meet the kids.
Santa will be there too...
we can only hope he's sober.

"When Radar O'Reilly, just out of high school, left Ottumwa, Iowa, and enlisted in the United States Army it was with the express purpose of making a career of the Signal Corps. Radar O'Reilly was only five feet three inches tall, but he had a long, thin neck and large ears that left his head at perfect right angles. Furthermore, under certain atmospheric, as well as metabolic, conditions, and by enforcing complete concentration and invoking unique extrasensory powers, he was able to receive messages and monitor conversations far beyond the usual range of human hearing."

So begins the book that spawned a hit movie and one of the mosts successful American TV series of all time.

I'm sick of hearing about the wounded.
What about all the thousands of wonderful guys
who are fighting this war without any of the credit
or the glory that always goes to those lucky few
who just happen to get shot.

Frank Burns

PA Announcement

Due to the number of people bored last Sunday,
next Sunday will be cancelled

I always feel patriotic after OR.
My whites are covered in red
and it gives me the blues.

Hawkeye

PA Announcement

Attention.
Major Houlihan, your chest x-rays are ready
and they really came out beautiful.

Had a still in Guam in World War II.
One night it blew up.
That's how I got my purple heart.
Nice outfit you're wearing there, Klinger.
Love the handbag.

Colonel Potter at the end of his
first day as Camp Commander
on discovering a still in The Swamp

If you have been paying attention and counting
then you will know that's it.
10 great quotes....
What? You want MORE?
Oh, alright then.
Read on!

PA Announcement

Attention all personnel.
Due to circumstances beyond our control,
lunch will be served today.

You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter Dad. Let me see if I can put things in a better way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient.

We care only about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty. We try to play par surgeon on this course. Par is a live patient.

Hawkeye in a letter to his Dad

PA Announcement

Attention!
A jeep with single patient wants to
meet single doctor on the double.

Released on 25 January 1970, when anti-Vietnam sentiment was high, MASH was an instant hit. Directed by Robert Altman, MASH starred Donald Sutherland as Hawkeye and Elliot Gould as Trapper John McIntyre.

Set in November 1951 the film does not have a traditional plot, it is a series of episodes in the lives of the Doctors and Nurse working in a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital just a few miles from the Front Line in Korea.

The IMDB website describes the film as: "the surgeons set about dealing with the daily carnage of the war by raising hell". Parts of the film were unscripted and the actors ad-libbed their way through some scenes.

Nominated for five Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director, MASH became the third most popular film of 1970 after Love Story and Airport. Scriptwriter Ring Lardner Jnr won the Oscar for best screenplay.

Actor Gary Burghoff, who played Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly was the only actor who played the same character in the TV series.

Dear Uncle Abdul,
boy am I glad Ma named me after Uncle Max

Klinger in a letter to his Uncle

PA Announcement

Attention all personnel.
By order of Major Frank Burns,
lights out in ten minutes sharp.
Anyone not in their own beds
at that time will have to spend
the night wherever they are.

Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

Frank

PA Announcement

Attention all personnel!
Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film
which has not arrived yet is cancelled.
A reminder from Colonel Blake,
due to the flu kindly refrain from kissing anyone
unless absolutely necessary.

It was William Self, the president of Twentieth Century Fox who made the decision to turn the movie into a television series. With the film set still available and as Fox owned the rights to the story Self knew the series would be inexpensive to produce.

Gene Reynolds was hired to produce the TV shows and he contacted his friend Larry Gelbart, who had visited Korea while working as a gag writer for Bob Hope, to write a script for the pilot. Reynolds then hired Burt Metcalfe as associate producer and casting director.

The first actor to be cast was Gary Burghoff, who was the only actor from the movie invited to repeat his role. McLean Stevenson, who originally wanted to play Hawkeye, was cast as Henry Blake. But the pivotal role of Hawkeye was the last character to be cast. Alan Alda was initially reluctant to commit to a show that could have a long run and also remarked that the show must not become "Abbott & Costello go to war".

The series lasted 11 years. 251 episodes were made. MASH won countless awards and the final show was one of the most watched television programs ever.

How would you like to donate a
pint of blood through your nose?

Trapper

Father you must know someone influential who can get me out of this rattrap. Talk to Senator Griswold. After all you paid good money for him.

I must conclude this now to get some sleep. Another thirty-eight day is done. Now Mother and dad, I'll put this as succinctly and eloquently as possible - get me the hell out of here!

Major Charles Winchester, in a letter home

PA Announcement

Attention all personnel!
No casualties expected for indefinite period.
AFRS announces the release of
Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp.
Everybody's going home but us.

I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife.

Colonel Potter

The "police action" lasted from: June 25 1950 - July 27 1953

US Troops killed: 33,629

Wounded: 103,284

Captured or missing: 5,178

Communist dead: 1,347,000

Korean civilians killed: 400,000

Korean orphans: 100,000

Korean homeless: 3,000,000

PA Announcement

Attention!
Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon
in Tokyo at oh-nine hundred hours.
Any nurse wishing to be the bride
please contact the captain.
No experience necessary.

ROK Officer, with a female prisoner: I am Lieutenant Kung Jae Park and this woman is my prisoner. She is an enemy guerrilla.

Hawkeye: Good. We'll frisk her for bananas.

PA Announcement

Attention all personnel!
Tonight's movie is a holdover from last week
and will be shown right after supper,
which is also a holdover from last week.

You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!!!

Frank

Number of series: 11

Number of episodes: 255 + 1 TV Movie for the final episode

Ran from 17 September 1972 to 28 February 1983 (USA)

PA Announcement

Attention all personnel!Attention!
The eagle screams today.
It's payday.
All personnel will kindly form
an orderly stampede.

Don't mind Pierce and Hunnicutt,
they're both first rate surgeons.
Sure, they'll show up to role call in their bathrobes.
They keep a still in their tent.
Once they ran all my underwear up the flagpole.
But I want you to understand
it's an honor to serve with these men.

Margaret

PA Announcement

Attention!
Here's a bulletin from the truce talks at Panmunjon:
after six weeks of negotiation,
the U.N. and North Korea have agreed that
flagpoles in the peace compound are to be
thirty-two feet, six and one quarter inches high.
World leaders hail this agreement
as an important step toward lasting peace.

Hawk, you are shaved, cleaned, dressed!
It's revolting.

BJ

PA Announcement

Attention all personnel.
Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone
knows the whereabouts of tonight's entree.
In the meantime, please be on the lookout
for a white Caucasian lamb.
He is reported to be unarmed
and considered to be delicious.

Klinger: Colonel Potter, Sir! Corporal Klinger. I'm section 8, head to toe. I'm wearing a wonder bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.

Colonel Potter: Horse hockey!

PA Announcement

Sorry, camp. Attention!
By command of the new commanding officer,
all officers report to the
commanding officer's office, sirs!

Radar

BJ: Wait, wait wait!!

Hawkeye: What, what, what???

BJ: Don't throw it [dead rat] towards the kitchen. You know how they are!

[Hawkeye throws the rat out.]

Winchester: Oh good. One down, two to go.

The awards

1974
Outstanding Comedy Series
Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart, Producers

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alan Alda

Actor of the Year (Series)
Alan Alda

Best Directing in a Comedy
Jackie Cooper, 'Carry On, Hawkeye'

1975
Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series
Gene Reynolds, 'O.R.'

1976
Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series
Gene Reynolds, 'Welcome to Korea'

Outstanding Film Editing for Entertainment Programming for a Series
Stanford Tischler and Fred W Berger, 'O.R.'

1977
Outstanding Continuing Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Gary Burghoff

Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series
Alan Alda, 'Dear Sigmund'

1979
Outstanding Writing in a Comedy or Comedy-Variety or Music Series
Alan Alda, 'Inga'

1980
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Variety or Music Series
Harry Morgan

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy or Variety or Music Series
Loretta Swit

1981-1982
Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alan Alda

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Loretta Swit

Who you callin' a You - You?

Hawkeye

I'm not so think as you drunk I am.

Margaret

Hawkeye: How's my nostril hair?

BJ: I'd look, but I'm afraid of the dark.

Winchester: Can you tell me what I'm about to say ... now?

Radar: Yes sir, but I promised Father Mulcahy I wouldn't use those words.

Commercial time: $450,000 per 30 seconds ($50,000 more than for Super Bowl)

Viewers: 125,000,000

Share: 77% (percentage of viewers watching TV, who were tuned in to M*A*S*H)

Epilogue

Nice war we had. Of course every war has its cute things. World War II had it's songs. The War of the Roses had nice flowers. We've got booms, they had blooms. Actually, every war has its 'ooms. You've got doom, gloom, everybody ends in a tomb, the planes go zoom and they bomb your room.

Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MD