A Short Course in the Ageless Art of Being a Tough Guy
Do you have what it takes to be a tough guy? Not everyone does. But here's the good news: tough guys are made, not born. Regardless of what they tell you, no one slapped the doctor back when they were born.
Now the bad news. If you grew up believing that all those action heroes on the big screen were true tough guys, you were wrong. Some were; most weren't. Don't worry; I'll help you sort it out. But for starters, know this: by definition, tough guys do not need to wave a gun wantonly, kill people randomly, drive a car recklessly, or use foul language needlessly.
Again, they don't need to do those things, but there's an exception for every rule.
And hey! This lens isn't quite done yet. So feel free to give me some feedback. That is, if you think you're up to it.
New Table of Contents
- Step One: Get Scarred
- Statham Gets It Right
- Step Two: Get Inked
- Tough Guy Grudge Match
- Step Three: Get Shaved
- Tough Guy Movies
- Step Four: Get Monikered
- Step Five: Get Skills
- Some of Keith's Other Cool Lenses
- Old School Tough Guys
- Old School Tough Guys: Robert DeNiro
- Step Six: Get Humble
- The Shrug
- Step Seven: Get a Grip
- 500 Fights
- Step Eight, Optional: Get Pierced
- Freshman Class of Tough Guys
- Who's Your Favorite Tough Guy?
- Tough Guy Books
Step One: Get Scarred
Bruises Fade and Bones Mend, But Scars Are Forever
Every tough guy has a collection of scars, and every scar tells a story. So if your scars tell the story, then should you?Yeah, maybe. But first of all, understand this: guys never ask guys about scars. That's because if you're in a locker room, bathroom, swimming pool, or on the bottom of a scrum, you better be making conversation about anything else but your buddy's exposed body parts.
When a woman asks, and she will, be sure that your explanation begins with the word "too." For example:
- "Too slow jumpin' over a barbed wire fence when we got chased by the cops," or
- "Too much tequila, and not enough brains to keep my hands off the bartender's daughter," or
- "Too quick with a chain saw, but too slow to dodge that sixty foot red oak," or
- "Too many guys in a fight, and me with just two fists."
Let it be known that scars from the following sources do not count toward your tough guy quota: paper cuts, plucked eyebrows, or nasty scratches from twist-ties on bread. Scars from women? Do they count? They absolutely count, but you must laugh before telling the story, or you are a total mama's boy. And finish the story by saying, "But hey, she was a woman, so what could I do?" And then shrug your shoulders. See Step Six below for advanced shrugging instructions.
Statham Gets It Right
You Wish You Were This Cool
Step Two: Get Inked
Let Your Body Do the Talking
You don't need a tattoo. But it helps.But a word of warning: all tattoos are not created equal. A tough guy's tattoo need to represent his affiliation: with his heritage, his girl, his Corps, his gang, his religion, his spiritual center, his mama.
Purely decorative tats need not apply.
Can you be a tough guy without ink? Absolutely. Again, not every step here is for every guy, but you better step it up in the other departments if you're taking a pass on this one.
Tough Guy Grudge Match
Time to put up or shut up.
If you're any older than thirty, the names below should be real familiar. If the names don't ring a bell, then print this out as your required viewing list for this course. Watch, learn, take notes. Man up.
Step Three: Get Shaved
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Michael Chiklis (aka Vick Mackey): they all became cooler when they shaved their heads.Most black guys look pretty cool with shaved heads. For guys like Tupac, Michael Jordan, Taye Diggs (check The Way of the Gun
if you haven't seen that; awesome!) and Ving Rhames, the shaved head is an essential part of their iconic stature.Some white guys look good with a shaved head (see list above), but others look like a big pink thumb. So crop it short to begin with, see how that flies, then try full commitment to the look. It's cool, neat, and economical. And for some of us, it's beating Nature to the draw.
Tough Guy Movies
Required Course Viewing
Shoot 'Em Up
Pure, escapist, shoot 'em up action. Suspend your disbelief for 90 minutes and just go with it!
Amazon Price: $9.49 (as of 12/23/2009) 
3:10 to Yuma (Widescreen Edition)
One of the best Westerns in recent times, with three dimensional characters and an authentic, raw feel. Russell Crowe and Christian Bale at their finest.
Amazon Price: $10.99 (as of 12/23/2009)
The Kingdom (Widescreen Edition)
Feel what it's like to be in the front lines in the war on terror. Several excellent performances.
Amazon Price: $12.49 (as of 12/23/2009)
Death Sentence (Unrated Edition)
Kevin Bacon gets real hard core in this vigilante flick that goes beyond the cliches.
Amazon Price: $10.99 (as of 12/23/2009)
The Way of the Gun
This film is an undiscovered gem in the treasure room of the tough guy kingdom. Ryan Phillippe, Benicio Del Toro, Juliette Lewis, Taye Diggs, Nicky Katt, and James Caan make this a testosterone charged masterpiece. You will need to see this over and over again.
Amazon Price: $9.98 (as of 12/23/2009)
Step Four: Get Monikered
aka, Get a Cool Nickname
Here's the trick, though. You have to earn it. You have to get labeled. You can't pick the name for yourself.Winners: Dirty Harry, Rocky, The Duke. All taken, of course. But feel free to latch onto Doc, Ace, Chief, Bull, or Big ____ (insert name here).
Losers: Chachi, the Fonz. Also avoid Buttercup, Sweetums, Squirt, Beanpole, Tadpole, and Little _____ (insert name or body part here).
Extra credit: get the name on your jersey or bowling shirt. But never, NEVER, on your license plate. Tough guys don't do vanity plates.
Step Five: Get Skills
Be Good, Be Very Good... At Just One Thing
"A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood." So said General George S. Patton, a man of unquestionable military skills. Patton's mechanized army put fear into the Nazis unlike any other opponent could; his tanks moved across Europe with a speed and ferocity that few thought was possible. But what you may not know about him was that he was also a master swordsman and an expert rider. So he was both "old school" and "new school" miltary.Do you need to be a soldier like Patton? No.
But make no mistake about it, you do need to be a warrior.
Be a warrior in whatever profession you choose. If you're a reference librarian, be the baddest one around! If you're a salesman, launch a full-scale assault to land those new clients. Take no prisoners!
No matter what you do, get your game face on. Be the best at it or for heaven's sake, just quit doing it. Tough guys don't whine and they don't finish in last place.
But it's not just about work, either. Because if you have a family, then guess what? Being your kid's hero is more important than writing the "best ever memo." Being there to play catch, to build that birdhouse, to help with that geometry assignment, are all more important than adding three more slides to your Power Point presentation. Family activities trump your job, which is, after all, just a job.
So pick a skill that is important to you.
Then be good, be very good, at that one thing.
Some of Keith's Other Cool Lenses
Not a One Trick Pony
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Dodgeball Versus Darwin
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Most of us recall our childhood dodgeball games in school as a type of "Lord of the Flies" experience, where the stronger kids would liberally pummel the weaker on a twice-weekly basis. It seemed to be survival of the fittest. But does dodg...
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Interactive Writing Tools
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How often have you heard students say, "I can't think of anything to write"? The fact is, we can assign incredibly specific, prescriptive prompts, but what does that teach students about creativity? This is where Interactive Writing Tool...
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Movies for Real Men
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Are you a guy looking for a movie that celebrates all that's awesome about being a man? Are you a girl looking for that perfect flick to make your man fall in love with you all over again? Well, I've done the hard work for you! Listed...
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Interactive Math Sites
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Some kids love math! They're good at it, and they enjoy a challenge. Other kids hate math! For them it's hard, or worse, boring! This lens was created with both groups in mind! Whether you're a teacher, parent, or tutor, you'll find thes...
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How to Teach a Novel
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How can a teacher best approach the teaching of a novel? This lens will break it down step by step, from the abstract notion of “What’s worth teaching in this novel?” to the concrete concerns of “How will students be held...
Old School Tough Guys
Do You Know Them All?
Old School Tough Guys: Robert DeNiro
Classic Films that Define the Tough Guy Genre
Taxi Driver (Collector's Edition)
"You talkin' to me?" Dark and disturbing and still amazing decades later.
Amazon Price: (as of 12/23/2009)
Raging Bull (Special Edition)
A tour de force performance biopic.
Amazon Price: $15.49 (as of 12/23/2009)
Cape Fear
Max Cady is one of film's scariest dudes, and unarguably, one tough guy.
Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 12/23/2009)
Ronin
Plot twists, car chases, thousand round shoot-outs, and a cool and collected DeNiro make this a sleeper hit.
Amazon Price: $12.49 (as of 12/23/2009)
Heat
Awesome cast and solid action scenes! You forget just how good this film is until you see it again. Explosive shoot-outs!
Amazon Price: $7.49 (as of 12/23/2009)
Step Six: Get Humble
Save the World, Shrug It Off
Picture Michael Jordan after a physics-defying slam dunk over the prostrate bodies of his opponents. Or Tiger Woods after the game winning putt. Or Kevin Costner in Bull Durham
.Shoulders up, hands out and palms to the sky, head slightly tilted, raised eyebrows and a sly smile.
Need I say more?
The Shrug
Universally Understood
Step Seven: Get a Grip
Fight or Flight: Both Are Necessary for Survival
Know when to stand. Know when to run.No, those are not the words to some lame Kenny Rogers song; those are the cold, hard facts. Tough guys don't fight every fight. May not be the right time, place, or reason. True tough guys know that.
Every hear of George Washington? Yeah, I thought so. Well, our man George lost more fights during the Revolutionary War than he ever won. His strategy? Run away, again and again and again. But when it was time to stand and be counted, our tough guy stood. That's why we're not speaking with English accents and bowing to a queen.
So all you dads who fight with the refs, coaches, and opposing team parents at your kid's games? You're not tough guys.
You idiots who cut off other people on the highway? You're not tough guys.
Football fans who shout insults at 300-pound linemen from the anonymous safety of your seat in the stands? You're not tough guys.
If you can walk away from a fight, walk away. But when it's "go time," go all in. What does that look like? Refer to the 500 Fights video below from Knockaround Guys
. 500 Fights
How Many Street Fights to Consider Yourself a Tough Guy?
You can get this video in an awesome three pack: A Man Apart/Boiler Room/Knockaround Guys
, all three flicks, for less than $15. Terrific deal!Step Eight, Optional: Get Pierced
Holy Body or Holey Body?
I can't say for sure if this one is mandatory. Of course if I did say for sure one way or the other, I'd be right. That's a given. But the jury is still out on this one.In my opinion, piercing just got too trendy. I think if it hurt a lot more to have piercings done, then I'd be happy to cast my vote for the affirmative.
So for now, let's say that piercings are NOT mandatory. Accidental piercings, however, are highly encouraged and respected: fishing lure accidents, nail gun mishaps, over-eager dental technicians, sharpened #2 pencil incidents, stray javelins, etc. Extra points in you leave the offending object in.
Freshman Class of Tough Guys
Who's the New Alpha Dog?
I'm sure I missed a few of your favorites (feel free to call me out in the comments section), but here are a few guys I suspect might be remembered a decade from now when the rest have faded away. Who's going to be the last man standing?
As of November, 2009, after 53 votes, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham are in a dead heat at 37.7% each! Get the word out to your fellow fans to break the tie!
Who's Your Favorite Tough Guy?
What Else Makes a Guy Tough?
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Reply
- JustBon-Crochet-Designs JustBon-Crochet-Designs Jun 3, 2009 @ 4:11 pm
- Great lens. Enjoyed my visit :) Thanks so much for joining the Handsome Hunky Men Headquarters
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Reply
- SammySpam SammySpam Mar 20, 2009 @ 10:27 pm
- Very nice lens, very unique and interesting.
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Reply
- MikeMoore MikeMoore Mar 20, 2009 @ 10:10 pm
- Very cool lens. Entertaining to say the least. 5 star lens.
Tough Guy Books
Yeah, Tough Guys Do Read
Tough Guys Don't Dance: A Novel
Amazon Price: (as of 12/23/2009)
How to Be the Bad Boy Women Love
Amazon Price: $19.77 (as of 12/23/2009)
I Love Bad Boys
Amazon Price: $6.99 (as of 12/23/2009)
The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top
Amazon Price: $10.04 (as of 12/23/2009)
The Rough Guide to Gangster Movies 1 (Rough Guide Reference)
Amazon Price: (as of 12/23/2009)
by kschoch
Keith Schoch is a New Jersey educator active in the fields of education and summer camping. Follow him on Twitter at keithschoch. Contact him at KLSch...
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