Tracy Tremble The Disillusioned Virgin
Tracy may be a well known celebrity, desired by many, but it has been recently released that, at the ripe old age of 26, she is still a virgin - though, it must be said, not by her own choice.
It might be alright for Disney inspired youngsters like Miley Cyrus to say she wants to stay a virgin until she marries but Tracy feels it's now time for her personally to move on - and who are we to judge if this is right or wrong.
She's tried on several occasions to, well you know what, but she seems to always get the wrong guys or maybe it's their professions!
So here is the, tongue in cheek, story of why celebrity Tracy Tremble has so far failed to lose her virginity.
There have been ten attempts so far.
Attempt 1 - The Mills and Boon Sales Rep
Tracy was in love, real Mills and Boon
stuff, with Gordon. To her he was perfection on two legs: Over six feet tall, handsome and with a definite glint in his dark brown eyes which complimented his gold tooth and Gold Identification Bracelet.
Tracy knew it was time to take their relationship to the next level but their love was never consummated.
In Tracy Tremble's words. "Gordon was a sales representative but all he did was to keep telling me how great it was going to be."
Attempt 2 - Red Satin Nightdress Fails
Promises weren't any good to Tracy so, when she met an old school boyfriend Rupert, she kissed Gordon goodbye, packed her Satin Night Gown.
and whisked him away for a weekend in a small, isolated hotel.After a candlelit
dinner, two bottles of Red Wine
her senses were heightened to maximum but Rupert failed to make the earth move.In Tracy Tremble's words. "Rupert was in software services. He was never really sure as to how it was supposed to function but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
Attempt 3 - Eric From The Internet
Rupert was soon a distant memory so she met someone through FriendFinder on the Internet. Eric was his name and within days she persuaded him to stay over at her place. She decided not to bother with the satin nightdress, which failed her miserably last time, and disrobed while George Michael sang quietly.But again it wasn't to be.
In Tracy Tremble's words. "Eric was in field services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
Attempt 4 - Love Me Tender
Next was Melvis, well that's what he called himself, and he considered himself to be an up to date version of a young Elvis Presley. His sideburns and big quiff tickled Tracy's fancy and she settled into the back seat of his car with Great Expectations.
He sung an out of tune version of Love Me Tender
but was hesitant in his passion and once more Tracy was disappointed.In Tracy Tremble's words. Melvis was in telemarketing and even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Attempt 5 - Grease and Dirty Fingernails
Bill was big with Grease lingering under his fingernails, a real man. How could he possibly disappoint? But, of course, he did.In Tracy Tremble's words. "Bill was an engineer who understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
The wedding was over, the guests had all left and the groom went up to the honeymoon suite to see his blonde bride.
She was sitting in a chair looking out of the window.
"Why are you sitting there?" he asked, "I thought I'd find you in bed."
"No way," she answered, "My mother said this would be the best night of my life so I'm making sure I don't miss anything."
Attempt 6 - Posh Nosh And High Heels
A smart man in a suit, a respectable man, that was Malcolm. Tracy watched as his manicured fingers slipped expertly over his calculator. Yes, he could budget this month to take her for some posh nosh and Tracy got out her red dress
and high heels.
The food was wonderful though Malcolm's love didn't quite stretch to a pudding or anything else for that matter.In Tracy Tremble's words. "Malcolm was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
Attempt 7 - Six Pack Positions
Absolutely dumfounded, disappointed and disillusioned Tracy took to searching the Internet for the right man for the right job. She came across Alan who looked absolutely amazing in his photograph. He was pictured without his shirt and displaying his Six Pack.
Tracy Tremble was truly of a tremble as she got on the train to meet Alan. When she met him she wasn't disappointed. He looked even more amazing than his photo. They chatted and finally got down to the nitty gritty but no, somehow, things didn't go as expected for Tracy.
She boarded the train home a frustrated woman.
In Tracy Tremble's words. "Alan was in marketing and although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Attempts 8 and 9 - The Psychologist and Gynaecologist
At the end of her tether Tracy arranged two dates in one day. How could she possibly not succeed in her quest this time, especially as they were both linked to the medical profession.With her Nurses Uniform
at the ready she reckoned that she may well hit lucky twice - but even the best plans sometimes go wrong.In Tracy Tremble's words. "Problem was that the first was a psychologist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And the second was a gynaecologist and all he did was look at it!"
Attempt 10 - Philately Gets Her Nearly There
Clive made her happy, very happy, at least for a while. It still wasn't quite what she wanted however, even though he was rich and of independent means. Most of the time Clive kept himself busy with his favourite hobby.
Eventually they became unstuck.
In Tracy Tremble's words. "Clive was amazing. He was a stamp collector and all he ever did was ... Phew, I miss him!"
NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!
Email received from Tracy:
Tonight my quest will be over - definite.
My email:
How can you be so sure?
Email from Tracy:
He's a lawyer - so I know I'm gonna get screwed!
Search Amazon Now
Virgin Joke
The Three Virgin Daughters
A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their love life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how their marital relationship was going.
The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size."
Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daudaughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
MORE JOKES on the Awful Jokes lens and also humour on Funny Humorous Letters
Celebrity Insider
Photos and News
There are, of course, other celebrities besides Tracy Tremble and here is some news, photos and gossip about them from the Celebrity Insider blog.
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Every lady of this land has twenty nails; upon each hand five and twenty on hand and feet. All this without deceit.
by Snozzle
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