Turkey's Last Stand

Ranked #13,839 in Entertainment, #153,741 overall

Breaking News from the Turkey Farm

Tom here. Hey, how goes it?

Back in the 'hood, you probably know me as The Bird. My mother (God rest her feathery soul) wanted me to have a fair shake in life, so she sold me upriver for a bushel of corn, the crunchy kind that makes turkeys gobble and trot. What a compassionate gobbler she was.

I'm plagued with turkey daydreams of home to the point of losing my appetite, but my new owners are doing their best to treat me well. Except for one quirky behavior, which is getting on my nerves.



:::very big gulp:::



Farmer's family has been gawking at me with hungry eyes. For my own sanity, and for the sake of feathered friends everywhere, I have chosen to create this lens. Stick with me. I suspect it is going to be a long, jittery journey.



A Four-Part Fiasco

The whole truth, and nothin' but the truth

turkey clipart

Most of my feathered friends have flown the coop. They couldn't take the stress. I'm feeling very...how shall I put this?...lost and alone. Scared. Needy.

I'm not one to run away from my problems, nosireeeee. I will stick it out and stare Farmer down if I have to! Nobody is going to trick me into prancing over there to the chopping block.

My ongoing fiasco makes more sense if you read in the following order. My thanks to my dear friend Seedplanter for listing the lenses. She is truly a friend to the feathered.

Disclaimer: "I, Tom, cannot be held responsible for elevated blood pressure or heart palpitations. Please proceed with the utmost caution, and bring Kleenex.)


1. Turkey's Last Stand
2. Turkey's Manifesto
3. Turkey's Turkiatrist
4. Turkey's New Job

My Terrible Nightmare

Image created at Wordle

Note to Self:

Stay away from sharp metal objects with wooden handles, even if they're decorated with holly and red ribbons.

A Turkey's Lament...

What's a feathered friend to do?

animated turkey image

I've noticed the family congregating at their kitchen window. They've been standing on tiptoes, straining to watch my every move - with binoculars! How rude! They send that shaggy-haired kid out with a tray of hors d'oeuvres every morning, too - a soybean meal, wheat, and corn mixture that resembles breakfast granola.

I'm no sucker. I know what they're up to. They talk to me and send the kids out to pet my pathetic head, but their expressions aren't happy. Kids' faces don't lie. If they were a few years older, I bet they'd open the gate and tell me to run for my life.

I tell ya, folks, my clock is ticking louder. I don't know how much longer I can take the stress.

If something were to happen to me, I would not have time for a proper goodbye speech. So I would like you to consider this lens my Last Will and Testament. I will share my innermost secrets with you, and in turn, I have a favor to ask: After my demise--when I am nothing but a pile of picked-over bones--would you please hand-deliver this document to Seedplanter at Squidoo.com?


Squidoo, thank you for this opportunity to let the world know about my plight. I want humanity to know me as I really was--not just your typical clueless turkey, but a simple country soul who never had an opportunity to venture into town...never got to join the wild flock eating leftovers in the parking lot at McDonald's. I never got to see the ocean or smell an orange orchard. And ohmygosh, I missed out on the big Flyover. I'd always wanted to join my wild cousins on their annual fly-over to the local water tower.

But now I must shift my thinking to past tense. Life held so much promise for me, until :::sob::: now.

This is my story and unless I am granted an eleventh-hour pardon or a truck ride outa here, I'm dead meat. Wouldya say a prayer for me, or toss me a few turkey treats there behind the barn?

Bang Head Here

Stress reduction for the birds...

Turkey Dressing for the Modest


My feathered father's favorite tune... Want lyrics, too?

Naked turkeys are not a pretty sight. We're lumpy and bumpy and bruised. After much introspection, I've come to terms with the inevitable truth. I will arrive at your table roasted, to everyone's delight.

But please, people. Dress me in something decent, will you? I'm leaving a few suggestions for your consideration.

Yours trepidatiously,
Tom

Grandma Ethel's Turkey Dressing
My grandma believed in dressing modestly.
Mama's Sausage and Cornbread Dressing
Mama knew how to dress us in style.
Cherry-Cornbread Stuffing
If you gotta be stuffed, this is the way to go.
Best Turkey Dressing
Ah, see there? You humans always divide yourselves into a pecking order. This one thinks her dressing is the best on the block. Let the contest begin.

Ask Not What Your Farmer Can Do for You...

...but what YOU can do to save your own skin

Turkey farmers have an ongoing fantasy. They live for the day when they can grab that hatchet and whack off the neck of the fattest turkey around. I know, because I've seen it happen.

They're after my skin, people! I'm hearing whispers about delectable drumsticks...debates about white vs. dark meat...and songs like "Turkey in the Straw" coming from the vicinity of Farmer's house. If I hunker down beneath the steamed-up window of his bathroom, I can hear him singing in the shower.

He wants me. He is plotting and planning, I tell you.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let your children near this lens. Let them believe their own imagination...that I'll spend my entire life frolicking around the farm with the cows, not sprawled across their dinner platter. Let them believe that drumsticks are used only in marching bands.

Please proceed with the utmost caution.

Time Out!

...because sometimes you just gotta play

Stress is a killer. I'm trying to change my behavior in small increments or this countdown to the Christmas platter is gonna kill me. If you want to join in, you'll find me playing these games behind the barn with my cronies.
Secret Snowman
This game involves lots of pats on the back and laughs, so it's perfect for family gatherings.
Wooden Spoon Guess Who
Can you identify the mystery person?

:::GULP:::

An Unsettling Factoid:

The turkey was imported from the USA to Europe, reaching the UK in the 1520s. These people have been at this hatchet thing longer than I care to imagine.

Talking Turkey

Note #2 to Self

Refuse tomorrow's granola from What's-his-name. Skinny birds are not table fare!



Psssst!
You there. You with the smug expression and poised fork. Do you know what I've been through? Can you imagine what it feels like to peck out a living, only to end up on a big white platter smack-dab in the middle of your dinner table?

I can hardly bear the thought, and as I pen these last words, memories of my early years drift through my little turkey brain like fuzzy milkweed seeds on the wind.

My only hope is that when you fall into your after-dinner tryptophan stupor, you'll be haunted by thoughts of your feathered friend.

My Early Days
When I was but a wee poult, my parents and I lived on a sunny farm with my very large family.
Gobbler Groaners
Humans tell the lamest jokes and riddles. Don't you know we gobblers have feelings, too? (*I do like the one about the gobbler float, though.)
The Demise of My Feathered Friends
God bless my feathered friends. Are you aware, dear people, that there are those among you who are marketing our FEATHERS? How would you like if I listed your ear hair on E-bay?

Thoughts from the Farm

Wake up, people! Time is fleeting...

The Problem With You Human Types

Ohhhh...my heart is heavy.

Not only are you folks salivating over the very thought of a big, juicy bird for dinner (read: dark meat, light meat, turkey gravy...), you are marketing books about how to murder and stuff my species. You're even wearing clothing that's modeled after my likeness.

Shame on you, Human Race. I ain't got no respect.



Turkey hat
Turkey by schmeer
Design a trucker hat At www.zazzle.com
See other Major Holidays Hats

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An Idiom in Every Oven?

What's with you slang-speaking people, anyway? You take my name in vain by calling your oddball friends a "turkey". And look there, on the American Idioms and Expressions website, you discuss how a person can give up a habit by going "cold turkey".

You have the audacity to post recipes on creative ways to use leftover turkey. I'm talkin' casserole, people!

The very thought of that 350-degree oven is enough to curl my feathers.

But some of you like us...you really, REALLY like us!

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My Cousin Vinny, the Feather Duster 

What's on the Menu?

What sidedishes do you humans eat besides the b-b-bird? If I cut 'n run, I want to be sure you have plenty to eat before your football games.

Share your favorite specialties (leave yours truly out of it), and remember to vote. Voting these silly lists up or down seems to be important to the human race. Have fun, kiddos.

DRESSING, TOM!!!

11 points

Fresh cranberry sauce

7 points

Sweet potatoes

6 points

Fruit salad with walnuts & miniature marshmallows!

2 points

garlic mashed potatoes

2 points

Honey-Wheat rolls

1 point

http://www.squidoo.com/turkey-soup1 point

Homemade Pickles

1 point

Mashed Potatoes

1 point

Grandma's Potato Rolls

yummers0 points

Cranberry Sauce

0 points

Fruit Salad

0 points

Potatoes with Gravy

0 points

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I Dreamt I Was a Farmer

I awoke in a cold sweat, my cheek pressed against the rough side of Farmer's barn. In my dream, long lines of cloned humans were waiting to vote in my Amazon Plexo. The Plexo list was filled with barn products.

If I were really a farmer--a person--I'd skip the tractor and new pickup. This would be my wishlist:

Barn: The Art of a Working Building by David Larkin, Elric Endersby, Alexander Greenwood

Barn: The Art of a Working Building by David Larkin, Elric Endersby, Alexander Greenwood

A magnificant book of full-color photographs and t more...1 point

Barns: Styles & Structures by Michael Witzel, Michael Karl Witzel

Barns: Styles & Structures by Michael Witzel, Michael Karl Witzel

Until Jamestown was established, nothing in North more...1 point

The Pennsylvania Barn: Its Origin, Evolution, and Distribution in North America (Creating the North American Landscape) by Robert F. Ensminger

The Pennsylvania Barn: Its Origin, Evolution, and Distribution in North America (Creating the North American Landscape) by Robert F. Ensminger

In his widely acclaimed The Pennsylvania Barn, Robert more...1 point

Tuttle's Red Barn by Richard Michelson

Tuttle's Red Barn by Richard Michelson

In 1632, John Tuttle set sail from England to Dover, more...1 point

Flambeau Prod. T-1005 Barn Mailbox

Flambeau Prod. T-1005 Barn Mailbox

Rustic barn design with black roof. Molded from to more...0 points

Barns, Sheds and Outbuildings: Plan, Design, Build (Ultimate Guide) by John D. Wagner, Clayton DeKorne

Barns, Sheds and Outbuildings: Plan, Design, Build (Ultimate Guide) by John D. Wagner, Clayton DeKorne

Written with the do-it-yourselfer in mind, Barns, more...0 points

Building Small Barns, Sheds & Shelters by Monte Burch

Building Small Barns, Sheds & Shelters by Monte Burch

Covers tools, materials, foundations, framing, she more...0 points

Barn: Preservation & Adaptation The Evolution of a Vernacular Icon by David Larkin, Elric Endersby, Alexander Greenwood

Barn: Preservation & Adaptation The Evolution of a Vernacular Icon by David Larkin, Elric Endersby, Alexander Greenwood

Returning to the subject of their bestselling book more...0 points

Old Barns - New Homes: A Showcase Of Architectural Conversions by E. Ashley Rooney

Old Barns - New Homes: A Showcase Of Architectural Conversions by E. Ashley Rooney

Barns strike a sentimental chord among the populac more...0 points

Farms & Barns 2009 Calendar

Farms & Barns 2009 Calendar

The serenity and beauty of Farm Life are depicted more...0 points

The Barn House: Confessions of an Urban Rehabber by Ed Zotti

The Barn House: Confessions of an Urban Rehabber by Ed Zotti

A harrowing, hilarious memoir about fixing up an old more...0 points

The Barn Owls by Deborah Kogan Ray

The Barn Owls by Deborah Kogan Ray

For at least 100 years, generations of barn owls h more...0 points

A Final Word

Details, Details...

Read the rest of the story...

Turkey's Manifesto
Turkey's Turkiatrist
Turkey's New Job



Newsflash! Turkey's Last Stand was named LOTD (Lens of the Day).

 

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