Turkey's Manifesto

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Ranked #714 in Humor, #100,285 overall

Psssst! Over Here...Behind the Barn


Dear Concerned Friends & Cohorts,

Tom here. You might remember me from Turkey's Last Stand, where I shared my plight. The Great Featherquake of 2008 had me scrambling for my life, trying to outrun Farmer's sharp axe.

The response to my story has been heartening. I have so appreciated your :::gobble::: heartfelt text messages and emails. And to the one who orchestrated that humanitarian airdrop (You know who you are--kissy-kissy, peck-peck!),I owe you, Bro. I hardly noticed the package falling from the sky, until it grazed the side of Farmer's hog pen. It's tucked away in the tall grass, where I've been treating myself to a few delectable kernels every couple of hours.

Read on, my faithful friends. Read on.







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Life Before the Chubbies 

Life used to be peaceful. Full of promise and corn. Sunny and bright, like a luxury cruise brochure.

People would drive past my field and I'd time them. Seven...six...five...four...three...two...one.
There--brake lights.
Cars stopped all the time with little rugrats pressing their cute lil' noses against the window, pointing and calling to me. I'd put on a show until they lost interest, then I'd wander back behind the barn to my cozy spot in the overgrown grass.


Then I started gaining weight. Got the chubbies and attracted the interest of Farmer and his family. Oh, it's not what they said that alarmed me; it's what they didn't say that got to me. Things like:

"Hey Tom, how's it goin'?"

"You're a great gobbler, Tommy. Sure am glad the tornado chose to drop you here, instead of across town."

"You're good company, Tom. Your gobble is like music to the soul."



But no more. Now they approach me boldly, with measuring tapes and a set of shiny silver scales.

What's up with THAT?

Trying to Not Panic... 

This year has been the toughest period of my life. Until my dear pal, Seedplanter, stepped in, my neck was inching towards the chopping block. If I can hold out a while longer, I may find a way around my nightmare.

It appears that people around the world love plopping a turkey on their platter, no matter what the occasion. We birds are destined to be stuffed unless we come up with a plan of escape.

For now, I am exhausted.


Quaking in my feathers,


Life in the Country Ain't Carefree! 

I don't want to come off sounding like an obnoxious bird. Lord knows we have enough obnoxious types in the world already. If you remember me no other way, please think of me as happy, well-adjusted (except for the smell behind the barn--there are no words to describe it), and carefree.

No...hold on...That's not entirely true.

I meant to say that I used to be carefree. Now I go to sleep with panic and wake up with a tightness in my throat. I'm sure it's anxiety. Wouldn't you feel jittery if your name and likeness was imprinted on a large porcelain platter?

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my bird brain occupied. Here are some of my favorite distractions.

Feathers, Feathers, Everywhere! 

Turkey feathers, chicken feathers, goose feathers...
Bird feathers are fascinating. In fact, Seedplanter's mom used to say, "Birds of a feather flock together." Translation: Choose your friends wisely!
Bird Feathers
Feathers are one of the most prominent features of a bird's anatomy, ... Every bird has feathers and everything that has feathers is a bird...
The Feather Atlas
This website provides high-resolution scans of flight feathers of major groups of North American birds as an aid to species identification. This is an ongoing project that will continually add new species.
Types of Bird Feathers
Feathers have evolved to serve a variety of functions --- flight, heat conservation, waterproofing, camouflage, and display.
Feather Color Affects Bird Physiology
ScienceDaily (June 3, 2008) - In the world of birds, where fancy can be as fleeting as flight, the color of the bird apparently has a profound effect on more than just its image. A new study of barn swallows reveals it also affects the bird's physiology.

My Snowy Plan 

Am I ingenious or what?

Ok, so here's the deal.

If it snows next week, I plan to roll in the white stuff until I'm coated. (Don't worry, I plan to wear turkey thermals so I won't freeze to death.) I've already gathered pebbles for buttons and I found a castaway carrot in the trash for my nose.

I never thought I'd see the day when I, Tom, was willing to act in such an undignified manner. I have no choice--get it? I am in dire straits here, people! Doesn't anybody care?

If you drive by my house during the snowy months, I will look like this. Please wave. Human kindness will warm my sad little turkey heart and fill me with hope.

A Tribute to my Heritage 


turkey in the straw (first version 1942)

Berline, Crary, & Hickman - Turkey in the Straw

Turkey in the Straw on Piano

Cousin Emmy - Turkey in the Straw

TURKEY IN THE STRAW - on accordion

The Wiggles - Turkey In The Straw
curated content from YouTube

NEWSFLASH! NEWSFLASH! 

Someone out there gets it, people! On Cloud 9 has interviewed me at her blog. Have you seen the questions this woman asked? She has been following my quest for freedom and her heart answered my cry.

I shudder to think how I would cope without caring lensmasters like her. My cousin Marcus trotted over this morning to tell me that they're even talkin' about my plight on Twitter, that crazy tool for humans who can't quit talking! If you have a shred of compassion in your bony body, keep up with my tragic tale by subscribing to my RSS feed. (Not my food-feed, you silly goose!) :::sigh::: You see, I need all the Attaturks I can get.

I have a voice...a gobble rising above the din! If you've never seen a turkey do the Happy Dance, you are missin' something remarkable. Read the interview and watch the feathers fly.

(I can't wait to tell my Turkiatrist about it! I've granted Seedplanter permission to come along with her clipboard to take notes of this most-important session. Stay tuned...)

Speak Your Mind 

Tom here. Just wanted to poll the community at large--you know, pick your brain the way the politicians' handlers do. Think of it as an informal exchange of ideas. I'll ask the questions and you'll not look me in the eye when you answer.

Loading poll. Please Wait...

What's a "Manifesto", Tom? 

Tom explains it all...

Manifesto:

Derived from 'manifestare', which is Latin meaning 'make public'.

NOUN:Manifesto
Singular: manifesto (plural manifestos or manifestoes)

1. A public declaration of principles, policies, or intentions, especially that of a political party

New Amazon MP3 

Check out my favorite songs! I've handpicked these MP3s from Amazon. Take a listen. If you like, you can click to buy them on Amazon.

Proceed with Caution! 

Haven't read the entire saga? Noooo?
Well, here's your chance. (Disclaimer: Tom will not be responsible for elevated blood pressure or heart palpatations. Proceed at your own risk! Bring Kleenex...)


Turkey's Last Stand
Turkey's Manifesto
Turkey's Turkiatrist
Turkey's New Job

A Voice Above the Fray 



#1. Turkeys have feelings, too.

We are not morons! We see you poking and prodding our kin in the meat cases, commenting on various body parts. It shows a lack of proper upbringing.



#2. Turkeys are at the mercy of the elements.

I would have never trespassed onto Farmer's property, were it not for the tornado. It dropped me where it dropped me, and I was powerless to do anything about it. Your stinkin' weather caused a decline in the life to which I had grown accustomed. With all the weather people running around, you'd think they could do something about those funnel clouds.



#3. I've remained loyal to you.

When the wild bunch flew in last spring, did I join 'em? Nope. I knew Home was with you. My mother's words came back to me: Birds of a feather flock together, Thomas. I knew what I had to do. So I stayed.



#4. I've never made fun of your lack of coordination.

When you enter the annual Turkey Trot, do I laugh at your Speedo? Hmmm? No. I wait until later, then IM everyone I know.



#5. Have I ever threatened to stuff and serve you on a platter?

Have I ever measured your children's circumference while making a grocery list?


I demand respect! Do you hear me? Better accommodations! Food without fillers! Some sort of shelter, preferably with UV filters on the windows and an air filtration system!

Otherwise, I may have to turn you in to the guy in the big white house. This is my manifesto and I'm stickin to it until death or lawsuit do us part.

Signed on this fifteenth day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand and eight, I hereby affix my footprint and nomenclature.

Sincerely,

 


Kathy's Kitchen - How to Stuff a Turkey

Runtime: 134
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2 Comments:


Roast and Stuff Turkey by Cooking.com

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Good Eats S8E12P1: Stuff It

Runtime: 628
15796 views
46 Comments:

curated content from YouTube

My Grandfather, My Hero 

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Weather in Turkey, Texas 

:::waving to my cousins, who roost there:::

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Wife. Mom. Grandmother. Writer. Photographer. Product reviewer. Jewelry designer. Zazzler. Giant Squid. Blogger. Human Bean of the creative...

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