Text Messages

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Text Messaging aka SMS (Short Message Service) is a lot of fun. Costly if you get carried away. If you're short of smart quips or quick wit in responding to friends or starting a joke then you've found the right place. All messages are under the 160 character mark.

Submit your own, the shorter and sweeter the better. There's a dozen and a half categories so just put it in the one that best suits the theme of your message. 

Also vote for your favorite messages, especially the ones that you've used. That way the best can go to the top of the pile. 

Text Message Fun @ Amazon 

Text Messages: An Anthology of New Writing Talent

Amazon Price: $19.00 (as of 12/25/2009) Buy Now

Cute 

Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!

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Flirty 

So you're interested in a girl/guy, and you don't know how to break the ice. You want them, but first you need to get their attention. These ones will do the trick...

i want to lick u, i want to suck u, nibble, devour & enjoy u. hang on, is this u <name>? sorry, i thought i was sending this message to a sweet & juicy mango.

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Latest Mobile Technology 

Foreign 

It'll sound exotic and they'll have no idea what it means. Provided of course you don't send the English translation. That is there solely for your benefit.

French: vous mon ami, êtes un branleur chronique. English translation: "you my friend, are a chronic wanker."

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French: vous êtes professionnel dans l'art du flagellation d'individu. English translation: "you are professional in the art of self flaggelation"

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Friendship 

friendship is like pissing in your pants every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the piss in my pants xxxx

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Dear friend! Do you take me 2 b your lawful text mate.2 have & 2 hold.4 dirty quotes or saucy jokes.in text messaging & in poor signal.til low battery do us part?

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A good friend is like a good bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive- prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!

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why do i text u? its my choice its my way of sayin dat i remembr u. why do i remembr u? il neva know its not my choice its my hearts.

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I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

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Dream a dream 2nite as u sleep.smile a smile 2morrow that u may keep.may all of ur dreams and wishes come true cause i couldnt find a better friend like u!

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If dreams werent dreams & dreams came true i woodnt b here id b wiv u.Distance is 1 thing dat keeps us apart.But ull always remain in my heart!

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funny 

Dear Earthling, Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this text. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you are enjoying it because you are smiling. Please pass me on

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

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Jokes 

A train is bout 2 crash!A frantic virgin strips off & says "can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?" So a man takes off his clothes & says "iron these!"

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Men 

Jokes at Mens Expense

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around on the ground in tremendous pain? A. Shoot him again.

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Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

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Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men.

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Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR ... Three - one to screw in the bulb, and the other two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

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Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.

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Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling out your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one of them will stop and ask directions.

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Q. Why does the female black widow spider kill the male immediately after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

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Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

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Q. What is the difference between men and women... A. A woman wants that one man to satisfy her every need; A man wants every woman to satisfy that one need.

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Q. How can a man keep his youth? A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

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Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your personal e-mail? A. Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals"

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Rules 4 Men #1. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

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Rules 4 Men #2. u may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT.

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Exception to #2: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent

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Rules 4 Men #3. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

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Rules 4 Men #4. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

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Rules 4 Men #5. No man is ever required 2 buy a birthday present 4 another man. In fact even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional & slightly gay.

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Rules 4 Men #6. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.

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Addition to #6. Should u get carried away with yr good deed & end up having sex with the beast, yr pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at yr bachelor party.

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Rules 4 Men #7. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game & the ability to burp loudly.

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Rules 4 Men #8. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

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Rules 4 Men #9. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

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Rules 4 Men #10. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

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Rules 4 Men #11. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, u may always ask the score of the game in progress, but u may never ask who's playing.

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Rules 4 Men #12. Its permissible 2 consume a fruity chick drink only when u r sunning on a tropical beach.. & its delivered by a topless supermodel..& its free

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Rules 4 Men #13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

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Rules 4 Men #14. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.

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Rules 4 Men #15. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

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Do you know the difference between medium and rare? Medium is 6 inches. Rare is 9 inches or more.

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What's the difference between a Man and a vibrator? One is cold and impersonal, and the other needs a battery

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man socially and sexually deprived.

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WORD GAMES: MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy. EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

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Misleading 

She came 2 me 1 nite... explored my body... licked- sucked- swallowed & had her fill... when satisfied she left... I was hurt... F***IN MOSQUITO

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U picked me up.u took me home.u put ur hands around my waist.u took off my top then u put ur lips on mine.THANK GOD i'm a bottle of PEPSI.

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i shall seek and find you.i shall take u to bed & control u.i will make u ache shake sweat until u grunt and groan.all my love, the flu X

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It goes in dry it comes out wet.the longer its in the stronger it gets.we can have it in bed just you and me...its not what you think its a cup of tea!

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Last nite i wantd u.needed u so badly dat it hurt.wantd 2 taste u.i wantd u in me so u could work ur magic on me...but i couldnt find u.u stupid.. PARACETAMOL!

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At 1st a little nibble- a slow & temptin lick.i suck & munch my liquid lunch & den i swallow quick! CADBURYS CREAM EGG HOW DO U EAT URS?

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Tell me.is it going in?..yeah ..is it hurting?..ooh yeah ..ouch its hurtin ..ok i wil put it in slowly ..stil hurtin..ahh yeh ..den lets try d other shoe madam

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Last nite i coodnt sleep.i wantd u warm against my skin.i wantd u on me.i wantd 2 feel u all over my body.. but i coodnt find u!Where did i put my PYJAMAS?

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Im bout 6inches long.Wen used im inserted in2 a warm moist hole & thrust in & out repeatedly until i leave behind a sticky white substance!WOT AM I?A toothbrush!

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Wen i look at the sun i c u!wen i look at the moon i c u!wen i look at the sea I c u... well get the f... out my way!

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Pick Up Lines 

There are many ways to say I love you, but fucking is the fastest.

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your body is like a speeding ticket. its got 'fine' written all over it.

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2 4 6 8 feeling horny cant wait, 3 5 7 9 want your body next to mine, a b c d come and lay on top of me, u v w x call me when you feel like sex

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sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid, so if u want me in the sack, lick ya lips and text me back

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u r summoned to cupids court 4 being fit as fuck & trespassin in my fantasies! if found guilty u r sentenced to 3 hours of hot sex with me! how do you plead?

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we will now upgrade your SEXLIFE, please wait... searching... searching... searching... ERROR: sorry, no SEXLIFE found.call this no. for assistance!

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Police 

I'm @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

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im at the police station.The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks".i'm doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me out-so hurry up!

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i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 - distracting public with ur xtreme good looks & sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom

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NEWSFLASH.. Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off.

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Police r looking 4 someone described as Gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, funny and amazing in bed. You're safe, but where the fuck am i gonna hide!

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Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

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Romantic 

How big is INFINITY? How long is FOREVER? How endless is ETERNITY? I want to find out, with YOU by my side.

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sweet as a rose bud bright as a star cute as a kitten thats what u are.bundles of joy sunshine and fun you are everything i luv all rolled into 1

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I have liked many but loved very few.yet no-one has been as sweet as u.I'd stand and wait in the worlds longest queue.just for the pleasure of a moment with u.

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A special smile a special face.a special someone i cant replace.i luv u i always will.uve filled a space no one can fill!

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Girl ur clever girl ur smart.girl ur like a work of art.girl ur sexy girl ur fine.d only thing u aint is mine!

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i luv ur eyes i luv ur smile.i cherish ur ways i adore ur style.Wot can i say?ur 1of a kind & 24/7 ur on my mind!

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As I lie awake in my bed.All sorts of thought run through my head,Like why do I love u as much as I do.den I realise its because u r u!

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I believe that God above created u for me to luv.he picked you out from all the rest cos he knew id luv you the best!

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I love so much my heart is sure.As time goes on I love you more,Your happy smile.Your loving face No1 will ever take your place

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Love is like a golden chain that links our hearts together and if you ever break that chain youll break my heart 4ever!xxx

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I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls can I have "U"?

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youll always be mine 4 now & 4ever. youll always be mine 4 u r my treasure. youll always be mine please tell me its true.Please be mine 4ever ill always luv u!

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It takes 2 to tango.2 to kiss.2 to talk & reminisce. so many good things cum in 2 & one of those things is me & u!

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There are Tulips in my garden, there are Tulips in the park. but nothing is more be beautiful then our two lips meeting in the dark!

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Uve won my luv now I luv u.This heart of mine I give 2 u.So keep it safe as i have done.For u have 2 and i have none!

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There are 3 steps to happiness: 1 you. 2 me. 3 our hearts 4 eternity!

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How can u tell the rain not 2 fall wen clouds exist?How can u tell the leaves not 2 fall wen the wind exists? How can u tell me not 2 fall in love wen u exist?

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Accidents do happen.i slip- i trip- i stumble- i fall & usually i dont care at all.but now i dont know what to do cos i slipped and fell in love with u

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Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

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A peach is a peach.a plum is a plum.a kiss aint a kiss unless its wiv tongues.so open ur mouth & close ur eyes & give ur tongue some exercise

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Kissing you baby is my dream.Im the strawberry & ur the cream.Handle me gently keep me real keen.U & i together babes is passion so extreme!

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Kisses blown r kisses wasted.kisses rnt kisses unless they r tasted.kisses spread germs and germs r hated.but u can kiss me baby im vaccinate

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True luv is hard 2 find.Special 1-1 of a kind.But the luv inside of me is true.It appeared the day i met you!

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U say u luv me & want 2 hold me tight.those words run thru my head day & nite.i dreamt u held me & made me see dat 4ever 2gether we wood be!

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1000 words 1 cood say.1000 wishes 1 cood pray.1000 miles legs cood walk.1000 sounds a mouth cood talk.1000 times ill b true.1000 ways 2 say i luv u!

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Ive got ur bak & uve got mine.ill help u out netime.2 see u hurt 2 see u cry.makes me weep & wanna die.ill b right here til d end.cos ur my luv & my bestfriend

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There are Tulips in my garden, there are Tulips in the park. but nothing is more be beautiful then our two lips meeting in the dark!

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Rude 

Mary had a little lamb, Little lamb, little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, So she is suing the test tube lab.

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Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bare, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy was arrested for indecent exposure and is now serving time in state peniteniary.

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Peter Peter wife beater, Had a wife and used to beat her, 'Til she shot him with a shot gun shell, And sent that bastard straight to hell. Then she sold the movie rights. It's now a mini series on Tuesday nights.

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Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candle stick, And burned his dick.

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Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And show us your tits

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Roses make me laugh, Violets make me titter, You're a dirty bitch, And you love it up the shitter

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Roses are red, but I like carnations, you're so crappy in bed, that I fucked your Dalmatians

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Roses for charity, Violets for greed, Give me a chance, And I'll make your ass bleed

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Roses are great, Violets are ace, Now get yourself ready, For cum in the face.

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Roses are straight, Violets are twisted, Bend over love, You're about to get fisted.

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Roses are crap, Violets are wanky, Oooh I've just come, Pass me a hanky.

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Roses are stupid, Violets are silly, Grease up your flaps, Cuz here comes my willy.

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Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And show us your tits.

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Roses make me laugh, Violets make me titter, You're a dirty bitch, And you love it up the shitter.

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Roses are red, Violets are finer, Chickens are fowl, just like your vagina.

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Sarcastic 

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, but I only slept with you, cause I was on the piss

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

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Of loving beauty you float with grace, If only you could hide your face

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I thought that I could love no other, Until, that is, I met your brother

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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot, This describes everything you are not

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I want to feel your sweet embrace, But don't take that paper bag off of your face

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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-... Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

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Every time I see your face, I wish I were in outer space

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I saw your face as you walked by, but then I saw a better guy

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My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life

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I see your face when I am dreaming, That's why I always wake up screaming

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My love you take my breath away, What have you stepped in to smell this way

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My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell"

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What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime!

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Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty%u2026 so the world needs YOU after all!

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A man can kiss his wife goodbye.A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

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At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

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This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful.We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvience

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Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed %u2026oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!

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Uve got sex appeal.uve got style.uve got intelligence.uve got class.uve got the face & uve got the body & ive got the wrong number!

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u re so sexy u drive me insane.i luv u so much dat my heart is in pain.ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber.oh fuck im sorry i have the wrong number

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i'll beat your ass so bad you'll be the only guy in heaven in a wheel chair. you better act right or you'll get smacked right.

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The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?

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A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!

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Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

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This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

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Someday u may lose ur hair.u may lose ur teeth- ur money & even lose ur mind.But 1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks.coz u cant lose wot u don't have!

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I had a wet dream about you last night .... I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!

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Whats rough and hairy on the outside and soft and wet in the inside starts with C ends in T and has a U & a N in it?.... Answer - a coconut u pervert.

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###NEWS FLASH### Police r looking 4 someone described as Gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, funny and amazing in bed. You're safe, but where the fuck am i gonna hide!

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i want u 2 know that our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U laugh i laugh.U jump out of the window... I look down & then... i laugh again

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*NEWSFLASH* An independant study has proven that those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin this message in their right hand!

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Vain 

I saw sumthing in the shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was gonna buy it 4 u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

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Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

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You're Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind & Generous. In fact you're becoming more like me everyday!

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I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

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Police r looking 4 someone described as Gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, funny and amazing in bed. You're safe, but where the fuck am i gonna hide!

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Words of Wisdom 

There are three kinds of people in this world. The ones that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

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A Cowboy's Guide to Life: Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Women 

Jokes at Womens Expense

Jokes at Womens Expense

4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER THAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout at them 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy can get a good lookin dog!

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NEWSFLASH...scientists have made a breakthrough & discovered that the female gender carry intelligent cells. unfortunately 95% of them spit it out!

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by DasKunt

I'm a full time webmaster with an interest in self-improvement, multiskilling, self-education and I enjoy having a twisted sense of humor. (more)

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