John Dilbeck's Unauthorized Autobiography
(...as told by himself, to himself, in some obviously altered state of reality, in a weird stream-of-consciousness style...)
I am a tall, slim, tanned, healthy stud of indeterminate age who sometimes walks around in battle armor, sometimes in a dark blue cloak, sometimes in jeans, suspenders, and a tee-shirt, and sometimes totally nude showing off a body that would make Adonis envious. I am usually surrounded by a bevy of adoring and adorable nubile young wenches, who scatter rose water and flower petals in my path. Women who are dating the sexiest movie stars sometimes imagine they're with me, just to get into the proper mood.
I am a dynamic figure, able to crush ice between my toes, climb ropes with one hand, and stare down raging bulls while licking whipped cream off a rose bud without damaging the petals.
I've been known to tread the ice-filled waters of the north Atlantic for days on end, lie nude in the sands of the Sahara, and run for the sheer joy of it through the deserts of southern Arizona while being chased by Immigration officers. I've smuggled snow into Iceland, refrigerators into the Yukon, saunas into Panama, sun lamps into Nigeria, lumber into Oregon, and tobacco into North Carolina.
Once while a friend and I were standing in front of four Mexican Federales, who were pointing machine guns at us at the time, I watched in awe as he had the presence of mind to order a cheese omelet in French. He later said it was the only thing he could think to say in any language other than English, but I know better. That's how cool he really was!
That was the day I learned that it is much better to smile and be friendly and to try to converse in Spanish than it is to spend the rest of your life in a Mexican prison or cemetery.
A musician widely admired
at least in my own mind
I woo women with my sensuous touch, tear-stained poetry, beautiful non-wilting roses, and god-like kazoo playing. Dozens of women have pleaded to bear my progeny for the good of humanity.I play classical music on an out-of-tune, five-string banjo with a broken G-string. I am famous throughout Appalachia for my soulful singing and incredibly talented mastery of the bluegrass didgeridoo. I once built a hammered dulcimer using tongue depressors, spark plug wires, and old automobile body panels. Its melodious sounds would bring a smile to the face of a deaf person.
You have a sense of humor, right?
No they don't!
After untold hours of struggle, I finally won the battle and my unauthorized autobiography is published on the web for the whole world to read.
(Are you crazy? You'll be lucky if a dozen people ever see this. That's a good thing. You're going to look like an idiot. People will know you're crazy after reading this.)
I'm sure you have a great sense of humor and you'll "get it."
(They're going to call you a liar after all those things you claim to do.)
It's true that I have an interesting background and I've never been too afraid to try new things. Still, I won't tell you that 100% of the things on this page are true. They're not. I'll leave it to you to make up your own mind.
(This is the dumbest thing you've ever done. You can't publish this. I forbid it!)
This voice in the back of my mind doesn't like this, but I think it was fun and may even give you a glimpse into my less conservative nature.
I hope you like it better than the other voice in my head.
(my birthday! is July 1, 2009)
"Act on your dream!"
Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill
"Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." - Napoleon Hill
Think and Grow Rich!: The Original Version, Restored and Revised
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This is one of the best selling books of all time in the field of personal development and achieving the success you want from your life.
New Weather Widget
JD - Computer Wizard
I am an All-round Wizard and a true master of Time and Space, having cooked Thirty-Minute Brownies in 17 minutes, composed a two-hour opera on a thirty-minute lunch break, and driven my steam-powered VW minibus house-o'love from Asheville to Paris in 14 hours flat, just to visit the Louvre and get a loaf of fresh French bread. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I've programmed a computer for forty-three hours straight -- during a single eight-hour shift. I once learned ancient Greek, Hebrew, Sumerian, and pig-Latin during a 10-minute session on a tanning bed.I was totally bored in school, yet still managed to learn not to correct the teachers too often.
I had my first web page on the Internet in July, 1437, and the hit counter remained at zero until early 1995, when it dramatically jumped to 4. The content was created on a Macintosh, of course.
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John Dilbeck's Shirts, Mugs, and Hats
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Welcome to John Dilbeck's Shirts, Mugs, and Hats store. The good thing is that I have quite a few designs and products I think you are going to like. The bad news is that it is an eclectic mix that is difficult to describe in a few words. I invite yo...
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Favorite Success Quotes
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Success comes in many forms and from many directions. Often it does not come easily and all the obstacles and distractions thrown in our direction will do their best to stop us from acting on our dream and achieving the success we want. I find it hel...
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Squidoo Marketing Community
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Squidoo has become a very important part of my online marketing mix and I want to learn good marketing tips and techniques from other Squidoo lensmasters and also share what I know. I have found Squidoo lensmasters to be intelligent, knowledgeable,...
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Site Build It, a revolution in website design, hosting, and promotion
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A few years ago, Ken Evoy started Sitesell, a small Canadian company that has revolutionized the process of creating, hosting, and promoting websites. Sites built by individuals using the guidelines and procedures Ken and his company have developed o...
Growing hair to donate for wigs
You can donate hair
One of the places you can donate hair is Locks of Love.
JD - World Famous Teacher
According to him
I sleep twice a week for at most an hour or two, and when I do sleep, I sleep while driving on curvy mountain roads with no safety rails high above raging rivers and tumbled boulders. I've been known to drive through the Ocoee River gorge in fog as thick as pea soup and squeeze a car between the mountain side and an oncoming eighteen-wheeler by pulling in the sides of the car just from the suction of my butt cheeks on the car seat.I taught Michaelangelo to sketch, Beethoven to play the piano, Napolean to play chess, Captain Ahab to chase whales, Abraham Lincoln to split rails, Hannibal to ride an elephant, Pythagoras to draw a triangle, Vulcan to smite iron, numerous Vikings to pillage, Einstein to do thought experiments, Webster to spell, and Elvis to move his hips.
Aphrodite sought my advice on how to be more beautiful and alluring.
Mae West became famous after learning how to deliver a parting line -- but I'm sworn to secrecy on where she learned how to do this.
Lois Lane told me she knew Clark Kent's secret, but didn't want to burst his bubble. After all, they're just stupid glasses.
I never perspire.
Friend to Almost All
Even the Illuminati and Extra-Terrestrials
I am a left-brained artist, a right-brained analyst, a slow-handed, gentle caresser of lively wenches, and a ruthless bookie.When I was younger, I was tough and ruthless. Now, in my geezerhood, I'm rough and toothless.
I was once caller number 106 and won tickets to see my own performance of Hamlet in the original Klingon.
One time, while playing horseshoes at a Fourth of July picnic, I got a ringer on the tail fin of a passing F-14.
Cats love me, dogs adore me, children trust me, my friends tell me all their secrets, and my enemies die of fright just from seeing me dressed for battle.
I have performed covert operations in a UFO owned by the CIA, and have driven big black Cadillacs while wearing skin-tight black neoprene to visit and intimidate abductees.
I'm on a first-name friendship with most of the Illuminati, and regularly have aliens visit me to discuss philosophy and physics long into the night while we drink black coffee and eat strawberry ice cream.
I know the exact location of every item at the local Wal*Mart -- even if they move things around at night -- and they've been doing a lot of that lately!
I once single-handedly defended a south Georgia town from an invasion by militant, compassionate-conservative, Republican fire ants using nothing but an RC Cola, a stick of bubble gum, two Alka-Seltzer tablets, a Trojan ribbed condom, three Popsicle sticks, a stapler, and a rusty machete.
UFOs are real!
No, they ain't.
UFOs and the National Security State: Chronology of a Coverup, 1941-1973
Amazon Price: $12.89 (as of 10/11/2008)
Do you really know what you think you know?
Have you already made up your mind, or are you open to new information?
What do you know about UFOs?
The Roswell Legacy: The Untold Story of the First Military Officer at the 1947 Crash Site
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Top Secret/Majic: Operation Majestic-12 and the United States Government's UFO Cover-up
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Witness to Roswell: Unmasking the 60-Year Cover-Up
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Hiking the Grand Canyon
You have to visit the Grand Canyon!
Grand Canyon, The Complete Guide: Grand Canyon National Park
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Hiking Grand Canyon National Park, 2nd (Regional Hiking Series)
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Arizona Highways Magazine
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Solved the Y2K Crisis
You're Welcome!
In twenty-naught-four (that's 2004 for those of you who don't speek geezerish), I created (will create? will have created? what's the proper tense to use when speaking of a future event as a past experience from a different, alternate past???) a solution to the Y2K problem, but then I'll have to wait another twenty years before I get a workable way-back machine so I can go back to late 1998 and tell someone. You may thank me for solving this nightmare whenever it is convenient for you. US National Debt
Get out of debt!
How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt and Live Prosperously*: *(Based on the Proven Principles and Techniques of Debtors Anonymous)
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The further you are in debt, the more you are eliminating choices you can make about your future. Learn to live within your means and then work towards prosperity.
Is it true?
Or not?
I once won an argument with a New York City cab driver, and then I took back my ten-cent tip.Critics loved my new line of maille and leather evening wear.
I hate baseball, yet I still bat .415 and was offered a contract by the Atlanta Braves. I once stood in a room in the CNN headquarters on the floor below Ted Turner's office and ignored a sexy young secretary who pleaded to have her way with me before my meeting.
I once taught the same college course I was currently taking.
I've written books, programmed computers, and ridden mad bulls.
I taught myself how to play guitar and banjo, spent a summer torturing my neighbors by trying to learn to play a violin, drove a Ford pickup through the tops of twenty-three pine trees, got tendinitis from drinking coffee, paved roads, poured sidewalks, operated heavy machinery while taking decongestants, welded a bulldozer cutting blade with an electric welder during a thunderstorm and woke up a few minutes later with a headache.
I superglued my fingers to a bottle of superglue remover.
Nothing scares me because I've already been married, filed for bankruptcy, and won a fight with the IRS.
I've balanced five balls at once and juggled accounts.
No that's not right!! I juggled five balls at once and balanced accounts.
Just this summer, I juggled a concrete block, a 2.5 pound hammer, and a raw egg. Then I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.
New Word of the Day
I can do just about anything
I exercise by taking aerobic naps and watching nubile women performing Tae-bo exercises.I work, I frolic, I knit, I smite, I sing, I swim, and I don't owe anyone any money. I set my own schedule. I once owned a toaster oven and two microwaves. I learned not to boil eggs in the microwave nor dry leather objects in the toaster oven.
I breed prize winning fleas, play full-contact musical chairs, put 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles together while blindfolded, compose arias while turning my compost heap, and teach others how to perform do-it-yourself brain surgery.
I never polish silver chains on a buffing wheel.
I have never been bored, but I've bored others. I have a sparkling wit and a magnetic personality.
I know what actually went on with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves when the blinds were closed.
Fireflies dance around me and butterflies land on my outstretched fingers. I've ridden a dragon, talked to faeries, mined with dwarves, and danced with elves.
I knew Victoria's Secret, but I promised never to reveal it to anyone. Then I slept and forgot it, dang it!
I redesign nuclear power plants in my spare time, redecorate mansions, and repair small appliances for the fun of it. I work with red hot metal, yet burn my hands while buttering biscuits.
I once ate hot peppers and cold ice cream together. It was almost a transcendent experience!
I can pilot a helicopter, fly an airplane, operate a manual shift transmission, tie a square knot, harden and temper steel, forge weapons, dress myself, eat a grapefruit without getting juice in my eyes, and cook a tasty meal.
I can differentiate between my left shoe and my right shoe and put them on the appropriate feet.
I am the subject of many documentaries, and receive fan mail from total strangers.
Interior decorators have shed tears over the beauty of my floral arrangements, and I have people waiting in line for me to redecorate their dining rooms.
I can tell the difference between shinola and a hole in the ground.
My Top Ranked Lenses
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byI descend from Royalty
But I don't have a big head about it
My parents adored me and were more than a little in awe of me, yet they still made me wash dishes and mow the yard, for which I received the princely reward of a shiny quarter as an allowance.
My mother still denies that she is secretly rich and buried millions of dollars worth of gold bullion and rare, ancient coins while I was a mere youth, to protect me from the dangers of growing up as a spoiled brat.
She won't even tell me which castle I should go reclaim! And I already have an army of friends with their own armor waiting to reclaim it!
(Just to bring a touch of reality into this weirdness, in late 2000, after 30 years of researching our family genealogy, my mother finally tied our family line into the O'Sullivan line, through the de Burghs, and back to more royalty than you can shake a stick at - see Overview, if you're interested.
In reality, I have ancestors who were granted castles and others who built them. I've always known I should have a castle, and this is just a little weird, finding out that we can trace our family line back to a variety of kings and queens, czars, and emperors, including Charlemagne.)
Weird, huh? Now back to the unauthorized autobiography...
John Dilbeck on Blog Posts
- Chautauqua Ave - Andrews, NC 28901 - October 11-18, 2008
- Join us in historic downtown Andrews, NC. Andrews Valley Experience, October 11-18, 2008. * Street festival featuring local arts and crafts * Music: Bluegrass to classical * Morning inspirationals * Plays by local playwrights * Lectures ...
- Twitter Updates for 2008-10-07
- @Moonvine Congratulations on becoming a Giant Squid, Joan. You've worked hard to achieve this. #; @Dana_Willhoit Happy Birthday! I hope it's your best birthday ever. #. Powered by Twitter Tools. Post from: 21st Century Affiliate ...
- Twitter Updates for 2008-10-04
- Time to take a break and start reading Steve Pavlina's ?Personal Development for Smart People? book. Goodnight, y'all. #. Powered by Twitter Tools. Post from: 21st Century Affiliate Marketing. Twitter Updates for 2008-10-04.
- Fall Festival - Brasstown, NC 28902 - October 4 and 5, 2008
- Live music and dance on two stages, great food, craft demonstrations, and children's activities are just a few more reasons why Fall Festival at John C. Campbell Folk School is one of the most popular events in the area. Join us! ...
Disclaimers
Offer void where prohibited.
Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this.
Your interest in this material may fluctuate with the prime rate.
We reserve the right not to serve idiots.
Spelling your name correctly is worth five points on the final exam.
Some parts of this autobiography are invisible and other parts are inaudible unless played backwards.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not being lazy.
You know you must have had one heck of a night when you wake up to find someone outlining you in chalk!
If you're so smart, how come you're not naked?
Some days when you wake up, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I remember when 'safe sex' meant not storing fragile things under the bed and being careful not to bump your head on the headboard.
No man rages so loudly as he who would convince himself.
Death before dishonor, but nothing before coffee!
Leave it to a bunch of programmers to shorten 'Year 2000' down to 'Y2K.' Isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place?
The truth shall set you free, but only after it really ticks you off, and there is a seemingly-never-ending round of email flames and hurt feelings.
Never trouble trouble 'til trouble troubles you.
He who dies with the most things, is still dead.
I have learned through painful experience to let sleeping dragons sleep.
Two hours on the forge will save you twenty minutes with pen and paper.
I'm mostly enjoying my visit to this quaint little planet.
Your mileage may vary.
Just because the metal has quit glowing bright red and is now black is no reason to grab it with your bare hand!
Never bother sleeping dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
JD's Newsletters and Reports
- Act On Your Dream! Spring 2008
- Act On Your Dream! Spring 2008 by John Dilbeck - This is the Spring 2008 edition of John Dilbeck's Act On Your Dream! newsletter, featuring an article about Jennifer Ledbetter who is also known as... ( 4pages ) Download: $0.00
Favorite Quotations
"The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play."
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, the eyesight to tell the difference, and the memory to recall their names.
"to be yourself, in a world that tries, night and day, to make you just like everybody else - is to fight the greatest battle there ever is to fight, and never stop fighting" -- e.e. cummings
With thanks to Roy Wilson for the idea, and for some of the material I may have lifted from him in the telling. After all, truth should never interfere with a great brag!
John Dilbeck Is...
What do you think?
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John L. Dilbeck
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Hi, My name is John Dilbeck, but my friends call me JD and the folks who don't like me don't call me very much. I'm a laid-back loner who likes to read, learn, experiment, and then pass along to others what I've worked hard to learn for myself. Most o...
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John Dilbeck
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Ever since I first discovered Squidoo, I've loved building and revising my lenses. I have a wide range of interests and very limited time, so that means I have a long list of lenses I want to create whenever I can. One of the things you may not kno...
Reader Feedback
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mulberry
Truly the most entertaining read I've had on Squidoo! I'm a fan. Posted July 11, 2008 |
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clouda9
Firecracker...you had me at "I am a tall, slim, tanned, healthy stud of indeterminate age..." What the heck is wrong with shouting, "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it!"? Excellent share! Posted July 07, 2008 |
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Joan4
Love it! You are hilarious!! Weird and funny sense of humor!! I enjoyed!! Posted July 07, 2008 |
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johndilbeck
I gotta tell ya. I can't wait to read your reaction to my unauthorized autobiography. I've already punished myself severely for writing it. Posted July 06, 2008 |
To Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Travel among the stars
Star Trek Movie Set (The Motion Picture/ The Wrath of Khan/ The Search for Spock/ The Voyage Home/ The Final Frontier/ The Undiscovered Country/ Generations/ First Contact/ Insurrection/ Nemesis)
Release Date: 10/04/2005
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Star Trek The Original Series - The Complete Seasons 1-3
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Star Trek: The Next Generation - Complete Series
Release Date: 10/02/2007
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Stargate SG-1 - The Complete Series Collection
Release Date: 10/09/2007
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Stargate: Continuum
Release Date: 07/29/2008
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Powered by Dilithium
It is powered by matter/antimatter reactions channeled through the finest dilithium crystals available in the United Federation of Planets.
And, no, Marsha, I won't claim that I created Star Trek!
Civilized people have to establish a line somewhere that just isn't crossed.
