"Unplanned" Pregnancy - The "Adoption Option" vs. Keeping My Baby
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Pregnant and Considering Giving Up Your Baby for Adoption?
If you're single and pregnant - even before you have held your precious baby in your arms - you may find people pressuring you to "choose" adoption. Many in American society refer to mothers who are single as "unwed mothers" - a derisive term - to make you seem like you are "less than" your child's mother and parent. But to your baby you are his mother - the only real mother he will have. A baby knows his mother's smell, her voice, the sound of her heartbeat. He finds comfort in his mother's arms.
The phrase "adoption option" has a happy ring to it. People may tell you you'd be an "angel" for giving someone your baby. But if you are considering adoption, you need to know the truth about how you and your baby might be affected over your lifetime. If you have other children -- or plan to have other children later -- it's also important to consider how they might be affected by having their sibling adopted-out. And it's important to know your options, should you decide to keep your baby.
Websites - Help for "Unplanned" Pregnancy
"Unwed" daughter pregnant? There is help.
When people start calling your daughter names like "unwed" mother or "birthmother" what do you do? There is help for single women who are facing a surprise pregnancy - and want to be known as the mother of their own baby.
- Unplanned Pregnancy - A Mother's Song
- Considering keeping your baby vs. giving her up for adoption? Adoptee insights and some ideas to help you keep and nurture your baby.
- Pamphlet - What I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption
- An excellent brochure to assist a mother-to-be or new mother in considering her options.
- Origins Canada - Adopted 'Children' (Adult Adoptees) Speak Out
- No longer cute little babies, adopted children grow up - with
valuable insights into the adoptee's adoption experience.
"Unplanned" Pregnancy - What are My Options?
The condom broke and I decided against abortion - what are my options?
All your life you've heard people debating "adoption vs. abortion". This debate gives the impression that a woman's options are limited. Some people even say if you're single and pregnant and don't get an abortion you have "chosen" adoption by default. In reality there are many options.
- Raising My Child ("Parenting")
- Legal Guardianship
- Open Adoption
- Semi-Open Adoption
- Closed Adoption
- Baby's father may take custody or some other arrangement.
Raising My Baby ("Parenting")
There is help available if you decide to raise your child.
Get your baby's father involved. If he wants a paternity test, get one -- he will be more likely to take his role as a father seriously if he knows for sure he's the father. Tell your parents you have decided to keep your baby. You would like their help if they are willing, but it will not impact your decision. If this is your first baby, you may be unsure of your abilities as a parent. Read books and magazines on parenting. Spend time with people who have young children - especially with people who get good results and have happy children. People who adopt often take "parenting" classes and you and your baby's father can, too.(More ideas to help you should you decide to keep your baby may be found in the website links provided above on this page.)
Legal Guardianship
Sometimes parents will help a young mother by becoming temporary guardians
If you are very young, you may want to be there for your baby - and have someone to be there for you. Sometimes, grandparents arrange temporary guardianship of their new grandbaby - until their daughter is old enough to take over. That way, your baby will always know his mother and family.
Open Adoption
Experts say open adoption is less cruel for the child than closed adoption
With "open" adoption a mother may get to select the people who adopt her child from an agency listing. She may be told the real names of the prospective adoptive people - or the names may not be the actual names. She may get to meet people she's told are the prospective adoptive "parents". But there's no guarantee - about anything.
Open adoption with lots of contact between the families is supposed to be better for a child than not knowing his mother and family. But many adoption agencies like to use "open" adoption - with promises of pictures, letters and some contact - as a way to lure mothers to surrender. After they get her signature, the "open" adoption may be closed at any time. And for many mothers, it just turns out to be too painful to see their child occasionally - and then have to leave.
Open adoption with lots of contact between the families is supposed to be better for a child than not knowing his mother and family. But many adoption agencies like to use "open" adoption - with promises of pictures, letters and some contact - as a way to lure mothers to surrender. After they get her signature, the "open" adoption may be closed at any time. And for many mothers, it just turns out to be too painful to see their child occasionally - and then have to leave.
Semi-Open Adoption
As with "open" adoption, there are no guarantees
Often a mother is told the adoption will be "open" when it really is not. The mother selects the prospective adoptive people from an agency listing. She is offered a picture or letter once a year. No one tells her she could have more. All communications go through the agency and she never knows who really has her child or how her child is faring.
As with open adoption, what little communication there is may be completely cut off at any time, without the mother's consent.
As with open adoption, what little communication there is may be completely cut off at any time, without the mother's consent.
Closed Adoption
With closed adoption, the mother may know who has her baby - but there is no contact.
Did the adoptive people tell her daughter she's adopted? Did they give her the beautiful gift her mother spent so many hours making for her baby while she was pregnant? Did her daughter actually get adopted or did they find some health problem and discover she was "unadoptable"? Did the adoptive people decide it wasn't working out and put her daughter into foster care?
A mother may never know what happened to her baby in a closed adoption.
A mother may never know what happened to her baby in a closed adoption.
"Unplanned" Reading Material
Books on "Unplanned" Pregnancy and the Treatment of Single Mothers
You are a young, single pregnant woman and you didn't plan to find these books - but now that you see the book exists, you want to read it.
Pregnant and Considering Giving Your Baby Up For Adoption?
Don't give up hope
If you're facing unplanned pregnancy and considering giving your baby up for adoption, don't give up hope. Use the time before your baby is born to find ways to keep her.
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