Verbal Abuse in Marriage

From reading MANY books, talking to my therapist, and working with an abuse counselor in the community program, the best answer to the question is that MOST verbal abusers are men. This is either because

• Most verbal abusers are in fact men, or


• Male and female abusers occur in the same numbers, but men are less likely to come forward to talk about verbal abuse they're experiencing.

I assume that men are less likely to share their abusive experiences. Men tend to mention verbal abuse in terms such as "hen pecked" or "nagged to death."

Unfortunately, it is less acceptable for a man to seek help for abuse in our society - he's supposed to be the "king of the castle" and "wear the pants" in his family. Admitting to abuse, admitting that a woman controls him, is in fact admitting he is not a "man" in addition to admitting that he needs "help" and has become "powerless."

Wow. No wonder we don't hear about men being abused very often. Men have been conditioned to believe by their abuser that they're NOT "manly" (or whatever words are used to diminish him) and then he is told to go to get help (when he's "supposed" to do the protecting and "be the man"). Isn't that a double whammy?

Is it any wonder men choose to silently suffer instead of getting the support they need to leave a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't relationship?

Men can abuse their male partners; women can abuse their female partners. I want to make it clear that this lens is not about bashing men. If this lens bashes anyone, let it be my abuser; my experience is the only one I can relate to you.

Therefore, I'm going to stop putting parenthesis around words like he and him. My abuser is my husband; my abuser is male. I can only speak about my own experience with my male partner.

However, if you are male, an abuser or the abused, I'm glad you're here. If you're an abuser, I need practice recognizing abuse in the "outside" world so I do not make this relationship mistake again. Ever.

And if you're abused, I hope this little piece on the web helps you to recognize it and create a plan to deal with and heal from the abuse you've experienced.

Does Your Partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs (especially if you two are alone)?


• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?


• Control what you do, where you go, or who you talk to?


• Stop you from seeing your family or friends? Make visits so uncomfortable you are embarrassed or afraid to invite family/friends to your home?


• Insist on control over all the money? Make you ask for money?


• List the therapies and/or medications you've used to deal with depression or anxiety to "prove" you are messed up in the head? That your thinking cannot possibly be as clear as his because you've sought help from professionals or medication in the past?


• Talk nicely about you in front of other people, but cut you down in private, often about the things he compliments you about in public?


• Impress the neighbors, friends, and your family with his kindness or helpfulness leaving you to doubt your own perception of him? Act much differently in public than at home?


• Make all the decisions? Tell you he considers you an equal partner but somehow ends up making all the decisions anyway?


• Tell you you are a bad parent or threaten to take the children away? List all the reasons why you couldn't gain custody in a divorce, ignoring his own faults?


• Prevent you from working or going to school? Stare at you or ask if something's wrong every time you try to study or work at home? Make demands of you that lead to absenteeism you would rather avoid?


• Act like his behavior (the abuse) is no big deal, it is your fault, or even deny doing it?


• Destroy your property? Threaten to hurt or kill your pets?


• Intimidate you with guns, knives, other weapons or even his presence?


• Shove, slap, choke or hit you?


• Force you to drop charges?


• Threaten to commit suicide?


• Threaten to kill you?

If you answered yes to even one of the above questions, you could be in an abusive relationship.

This quiz is from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, very slightly modified by me.