VINTAGE VIXENS' MOTTO:

"Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile."

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. -- Author Unknown

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. -- Spanish Proverb

It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. -- From the television show "The Golden Girls"

Ever wonder what those marvellous moms of famous folks might have said to their offspring on "Mother's Day"?:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"What's with that stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like all the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite food Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
"Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER:
"Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "Napoleon, if you don't eat your fibre, you'll get hemmorrhoids...that means you won't be able to sit on your steed for long or fulfill your dream of becoming Emperor of Everything!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset the lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!"

And finally...

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

__________

Source for quotes on mothers of famous folks, see brain candy.

Photo Insert Credit: Fabrini on flickr.com.

A "lavish, lusty Leonine Libertine" at heart, Mae West, was born at the tail end of the 19th century in New York City. Word has it she became a vaudeville vixen at the age of 12 but it would be a few more years until she earned a ripsnoring reputation as a voluptuous vamp.

Her playful performances, politically-incorrect pickup lines, and plenty of pizzazz became the hallmark of her considerable career as an actress, playwright, screenwriter, and and sex symbol.

Those who know "Leo", (the fixed fire sign of the zodiac) would understand why anyone described as "smoldering", "seductive", and capable of more than a few "shimmies" on a dance floor would also want to be on top. Clearly, this "Queen of Cleavage and Crass Comments" wouldn't be happy unless she had a castle full of carpet-knights at her command.

A titillating temptress, this lady with hips and quips spent a lifetime tickling her feisty funnybone by writing risque plays and inserting colorful comments if not daring double entendres into her films. It seems that the "Lady of Lewd" blotted her copybook by offending the prim and proper censors and on another occasion, apparently her antics even managed to land her in jail (on charges of public obscenity).

But this was no ordinary "little chickadee", as we see by her brazen bits of bawdy humor:

-- "I go for two kinds of men. The kind with muscles and the kind without."

-- "I was once so poor I didn't know where my next husband was coming from."

-- "Curve: the loveliest distance between two points."

-- "Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

-- "It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men."

-- "Sex is emotion in motion."

-- "To err is human, but it feels divine."

-- "When women go wrong, men go right after them."

-- "She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong."

-- "I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men?"

-- "I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported."

-- "I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them."

-- "I speak two languages: Body and English."

-- "I used to be Snow White but I drifted."

-- "I'm a woman of very few words but lots of action."

-- "I've been in more laps than a napkin."

-- "It takes two to get one in trouble."

-- "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."

-- "Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain."

-- "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

-- "It ain't no sin to crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any."

-- "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

-- "A hard man is good to find."

-- "Men are my life, diamonds are my career."

-- "Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls get to go everywhere."

Ranked 17th among the greatest female film stars of all time by the American Film Institute, Lillian Diana Gish (1893 - 1993), was known as The First Lady of the Silent Film.

A talented and versatile actress with a quick wit, (she played everything from "a lewd Ophelia" in Guthrie McClintic's landmark 1936 production of Shakesepeare's "Hamlet" to the virginal "ga-ga" babies she was obliged to portray on screen, and the last few lines of century-long career in "The Old Lady on the Levee".

"Good night, my dear." may have been her last lines spoken as an actress at the end of her century-long career in the film, "The Old Lady of the Levee" but, her words off screen were often more colorful if not more thought-provoking.

"You can get through life with bad manners, but it's easier with good manners."

"Actors, like soldiers, can bed down anywhere."

"Those little virgins, after five minutes you got sick of playing them - to make them more interesting was hard work."

"What you get is living, what you give is life."

"Young man, if God had wanted you to see me that way, he would have put your eyes in your bellybutton."

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), an American humorist, author, poet, critic and social activist, is best known for her caustic wit, wisecracks, and sharp eye for 20th century foibles and follies.

A precocious child, she detested her abusive father and referred to her stepmother as "the housekeeper". Though not a Catholic, she was sent a school operated by the Convent of the Blessed Sacrament but was asked to leave in short order following her characterization of the Immaculate Conception as "spontaneous combustion."

Her scholastic escapades became grist for the mill of a prolific writing career with The New Yorker, Vogue and Vanity Fair. Parker became famous for her short, viciously humorous poems, many about the perceived ludicrousness of her (largely unsuccessful) romantic affairs (a.k.a. "Men I'm Not Married To" trysts in the hollyfuds), while others wistfully considered such topics "The Song of the Shirt", "The Bolt Behind the Blue", and "The Custard Heart". Later, she contributed lyrics to the song "I Wished On the Moon" and wrote the screenplay for the 1937 film, "A Star Is Born" and the 1947 movie, "Smash-Up - The Story of a Woman".

Larger than life, this libertarian lady also found time to support left-wing causes, become a fierce civil rights activist and a frequent critic of those in authority. Her actions led her to pleading guilty to a charge of "loitering and sauntering," and paying a fine not to mention securing a place on the infamous "Hollywood blacklist", (for refusing to give testimony to the "House Committee on Un-American Activities" in the early 1950s).

For her epitaph Dorothy suggested these fine words, 'Excuse my dust', although at one point in her life she stated: "That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: 'Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.'"

A memorial garden in her honor was created by The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, created a memorial garden in her honor, recognizing her noble spirit as one that celebrates the oneness of humankind and the bonds of everlasting friendship between black and Jewish people.

A few of her many zany zingers include:

-- "Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair."

-- "One more drink and I'll be under the host."

-- "Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."

-- "A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika."

-- "I shall stay the way I am because I do not give a damn."

-- "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

-- "Scratch a lover, and find a foe."

-- "It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

-- "Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life."

-- "Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

-- "Every year, back comes spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants."

-- "The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires."

-- "You can't teach an old dogma new tricks."

-- "The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."

Jean Harlow, born Harlean Harlow Carpenter, in 1911, hit Hollywood at the age of 16 and quickly assumed the title of "Platinum Blonde". Her enormous popularity and magnetic sex appeal were in sharp contrast to her tumultuous personal relationships and ultimately her tragic death of renal failure at the age of 26.

Ever the optimist, this self-reliant, resilient and sweet-natured actress with a ready laugh never took her sex appeal too seriously and much preferred creature comforts than creating illusions.

Perhaps this isn't surprising given that she was born under the astrological sign of Pisces associated with illusions, magic, film, fantasy, make-believe, art, drama, dance, versatility, and humor.

This buxom bodacious beauty was never at a loss for politically-incorrect lines:

"No one ever expects a great lay to pay all the bills."

"I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man."

"This place reeks of hospitality and good cheer, or maybe it's the cheese."

Gypsy Rose Lee (b. Rose Louise Hovick in 1914), began her long and successful career as a vaudeville vixen. But, her true claim to fame came as a sultry scallywag. It was she who put the "strip" in "striptease" and turned turned the familiar bump and grind gyrations into an art form.

More than a burlesque queen and a "high-class" stripper, she sang and danced, wrote novels such as "The G-String Murders", penned her own memoir entitled "Gypsy" and inspired a musical play "Gypsy: A Musical Fable", headlined the New York World's Fair in 1939, not to mention starred in films and became a television celebrity.

If truth be told, she became as famous for her onstage wit as for her classic "casual" strip style:

"God is love, but get it in writing."

"God will protect us, but to make sure, carry a heavy club."

"Anything worth doing well is worth doing slowly...very slowly."

"I wasn't naked, I was covered by a blue spotlight."

"I have everything I had 20 years ago, only a little lower."

Marlene Dietrich (Marie Magdalene Dietrich, a German-born American entertainer) said of herself, "I am not a myth"...[I am an]"actress, singer, reluctant political heroine, and 20th century icon."

Throughout her long career beginning as cabaret singer, a chorus girl and film actress, she constantly re-invented herself although never integretated fully into the Hollywood entertainment industry. The American Film Institute however has ranked her 9th amongst the "Greatest Female Stars of All Time".

A "fashionista" by all accounts, she always dressed for herself, not for the image, not for the public and not for men (though she had numerous flings throughout her life).

Awarded the the Medal of Freedom by the U.S. government and the Legion d'honneur by the French government for her work in support of the allies during World War II, she always managed to strike a humorous note as can be seen from the following quotes:

"Once a woman has forgiven a man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast."

"Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil they throw flowers at you. In Argentina they throw themselves."

"It's the friends that you can call up at 4:00 am that matter."

"In America, sex is an obsession. In other parts of the world it's a fact."

"Glamour is what I sell. It's my stock in trade."

"Darling, the legs aren't so beautiful, I just know what to do with them."

"Courage and grace are a formidable combination. The only place to see it is in the bullring."

"Until they come to see us from their planet, I wait patiently. I hear them saying: 'Don't call us, we'll call you.'"

"How do you know love has gone? If you said you would be there at seven and you get there by nine, and he or she has not called the police - it's gone."

Tallulah Brockman Bankhead (1902-1968) was born in Huntsville Alabama. Her first break into stardom came at the age of 15 when she won a magazine beauty contest. But her deep husky voice, stunning looks and wicked wit proved that being pretty did not mean lacking a cerebellum.

She made her debut on the stage in London in the 1920s, returned to the U.S. to do movies in the 30s and 40s, starred on Broadway in the 50s and 60s while leading a rather lively social life.

A masterful comedienne with a politically-incorrect, unpredictable personality, who disliked to rehearse especially for TV appearances on shows like Jack Benny and Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz.

Her last screen appearance, perhaps most fittingly was the villainous Black Widow in the "Batman" TV series.

A larger-than-life lady, whose exploits with the opposite sex are the stuff of legends, is certainly no stranger to a few outrageous off-the-cuff remarks:

"I'm as pure as the driven slush."

"A frozen daiquiri of a scorching afternoon is soothing. It makes living more tolerable."

"If I had to live my life over again, I'd make the same mistakes only sooner."

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have time."

"Let's face it my dears, I have been tight as a tick, fried as a mink, stiff as a goat, but I'm no tosspot."

"The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after."

"They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum."

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the other gives me a stiff neck or lockjaw."

Never let it be said that women with good looks don't have fantastic funnybones. And here are some one-line wonders to prove it:

"Love in France is a comedy, in England a tragedy, in Italy an opera seria, and in Germany a melodrame." -- Born in Ireland as Margaret Power, she became Marguerite Gardiner, Countess of Blessington; she led a libertine life besides being a novelist, poet, storywriter, biographer, editor, travel writer, letter writer, and essayist in England, Ireland and Europe, 1789-1849.

"The reason why good women like me flock to my pictures is that there is a little bit of vampire instinct in every woman." -- Theda Barra (born Theodosia Burr Goodman), American silent screen actress, 1885-1955.

"I am not ecentric. It's just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish." -- Dame Edith Sitwell, British poet, critic, biographer, and author of satirical verse and burlesque, 1887-1964.

"How to Grow Old Disgracefully" - Autobiography by Hermione Gingold, a bull-throated, barb-hurling, awesomely eccentric British Actress, 1897-1987.

"I am big. It's the pictures that got small." -- Goria Swanson, American silent screen actress, 1899-1983.

"We [Frenchwomen] are like female spiders. We devour our men." -- Louise Leveque de Vilmorin, French woman of letters: novelist, poet, and journalist, 1902-1969.

"I need sex for a clear complexion, but I'd rather do it for love." -- Joan Crawford (born Lucille Fay LeSueur), American actress, 1905-1977.

"Life would be so wonderful if only we knew what to do with it." -- Greta Garbo, Swedish actress, 1905-1990.

"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." -- Lillian Hellman, American playwright, memoirist and social activist, 1905-1984.

"I live by a man's code, designed to fit a man's world, yet at the same time I never forget that a woman's first job is to choose the right shade of lipstick" -- Carole Lombard, American actress, 1908-1942.

"My birth sign is Scorpio and they eat themselves up and burn themeselves out." -- Vivien Leigh, British actress, 1913-1976.

"I've always thought that if a man gives you a solid gold key to his door he is entitled to the courtesy of a visit." -- Austrian-born American actress, 1914-2000.

"After my screen test, the director clapped his hands gleefully, and yelled, 'She can't talk! She can't act! She's sensational." -- Ava Gardner, American actress, 1922-1990.

"A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." -- Lana Turner, American actress, 1921-1995.

On the 100th anniversary of her birth, (April 5, 2008), the U.S. Postal Services will be issuing a special commemorative stamp honoring Bette Davis, a 10-time Academy Award nominee, and twice winner for her roles in "Dangerous" (1935) and "Jezebel" (1938).

This vintage vixen, nicknamed "The First Lady of American Screen", had a colorful sense of humor for a babe with a battle-axe!

"I will not retire as long as I've still got my legs and my make-up box."

"If you want a thing well done, get a couple of old broads to do it!"

"Old age is no place for sissies."

"The male ego with few exceptions is elephantine to start with."

"I have been uncompromising, peppery, intractable, monomaniacal, tactless, volatile, and oftentimes disagreeable... I suppose I'm larger than life."

In the domain of "Ditzy Dames" and "Cleavage Cupcakes', Betty Boop is clearly "the icing on cake"!

A beauty-challenged cartoon character, she first appeared in 1930 as a "dog" with floppy ears. Her creator, Max Fleischer of Paramount Studio's Talkartoons, later reworked the cartoon to become a sweet yet buxom babe with hooped earings, a bobbed hairstyle and a habit of innocently lifting her skirt suggestively and trademark line, "boop-boop-a-doop"!

A coy flapper girl known more for her sashay power than her cerebellum, Betty Boop was featured in more than 100 cartoons until the censor caught up with her in 1930's obliging her to doff her short skirts and plunging necklines and become a husbandless housewife in a long dress with a moping mutt named "Pudgy".

Though she never regained her saucy sexy star status in films, advertisers know a merchandising maven when they see one...proving once again that sex symbols can sell anything from telephones to toilet seats and t-shirts!

She Cooks to Conquer, by Robert H. Loeb, Jr., is a vital addition to the bodacious bookshelf any Vintage Vamp who's worth her vittles!

The introduction reads:

"Remember Circe? Perhaps not. Eve? Of course. She was first in everything. The first woman. The first gal born fully equipped with a husband - dropped right into the arms of Adam, matrimony, and monogamy - no lure, no chase, no capture.

But Circe. Ah! There was a gal of a different vamp. Born on an Island in the Mediterannean which was lush in vegetation but devoid of males, she was the first female recorded in history - if Homer is considered a historian - to use the art of cooking as a lure for enticing, trapping, and domesticating the male animal."

Vintage Vixens owe a debt of gratitude to the Master of Pith and Vinegar, George Carlin, (the man behind that classic comedy routine, "The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television").

Never one to mangle, mince, or munch on his words, George offers a few words of wicked advice to those wishing to enjoy a scintillating "second childhood":

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop" And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things. (e.g. paint by numbers, fill-in-the-blanks, eat when your tummy rumbles, and tickle yourself pink whenever you want.)

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. (Don't wait for Cleopatra or Cupid to show up and stop agrumbling about the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune it's a waste of your pucker-power, not to mention your positive-thinking!)

H.R.H. Victoria Elizabeth, Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity

Flaunt your flab and wiggle your wattle for all it's worth...because it won't be worth a tinker's darn in heaven my dear!