Funny Viola Jokes -- Or is That Redundant?

The principal violist for the symphony orchestra handed in his resignation with great flourish.

"I've had it! I'm tired of the terrible pay. I'm tired of the jokes. I'm tired of hearing how dumb I am. I've been working for years on my new invention, and as soon as it hits the market I'm going to retire. It's got a huge profit margin! Demand is going to be incredible because I've never yet seen one in the marketplace."

"What's your invention?" asked the conductor.

The violist looked around to make sure he would not be overheard, leaned close to the maestro's ear and whispered, "A kickstand for tricycles!"

Little Johnny Jr. was practicing his viola dilligently, and doing the very best that he could, but try as he might the sounds just weren't overly pleasing. In fact the family dog had tried covering his ears to no avail, so he started to howl. The extra sound didn't deter Johnny, in fact it just made him practice all the louder. You can imagine the response from the dog.

Johnny Sr. tried to continue reading his newspaper, but just couldn't concentrate with all of the noise. In a loud voice he finally asked, "Johnny, can't you play something that the dog doesn't know?"

Q: What is the Difference Between a Viola and a Chainsaw?

A: The Sound's About the Same, The Difference is All in the Grip!.

Most of us have heard viola jokes throughout our musical lives. Why do we tell jokes about violas and violists? I'm not sure, but the jokes portray the viola as unattractive and violists as...shall we say a little slow?

We respect cellists. We tolerate trumpeters. We smile sweetly at vocalists. We revere violinists! We even celebrate bagpipers every March 17. But violists? Well, at the right you'll see what one prominent violist's pet canine thinks of his master's instrument. Click Here for a Better Look at the Dog's Shirt!

For some reason it seems that the viola and those who play the instrument just don't receive the same acclaim. If I ask people to name a famous violist they are usually silent. If I say, "Yuri Bashmet," folks usually respond, "Gesundheit!" And when they look at the instrument the uninformed say something like, "There's something wrong with that fiddle." Upon hearing it they say, "He really should tune that thing!"

Do you REALLY think that would help?

Oops! See! I did it right there! No respect for the viola! This page is dedicated to demonstrating just what I am talking about here!

Q: Why are a violist's fingers dancing across the fingerboard often compared to lightning?

A: They never strike the same place twice!

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Q: Why don't more turkeys play the viola?

A: They carry their drumsticks with them everywhere they go.

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A violist was walking home one day, dejected and sad, he had sat in the last chair of his community orchestra's viola section for eight years and never once advanced.

As he walked by a trash bin, he looked inside. There, to his astonishment was a brass lamp. The violist pulled it from the trash, looked at it, and rubbed it to remove the dirt so he could see it better.

POOF! A genie appeared, and looked at his new master.

"Oh, you're a violist. You need all the help you can get. We normally give three wishes...for you I'll make it five. Anything you want!"

The violist was amazed at his good luck. He pondered the situation for a moment.

"Genie, I want you to double my music skills!"

The Genie nodded. "DONE!" and the Genie disappeared.

The next rehearsal the violist sat down to play and was amazed at the sounds coming from his instrument! As one, the rest of the viola section stood and moved back one chair, leaving the Principal Viola chair open for him. First Chair! After 8 years! The violist was so excited!

On the way home he pulled out the lamp, rubbed it, and the Genie appeared. The violist gushed over his good fortune, while the Genie just nodded, knowingly.

"Genie, I want you to double my music skills again!"

"DONE!"

The Genie disappeared. The violist walked the rest of the way home, and found a note inviting him to an audition for a viola position with the Terre Haute, Indiana Philharmonic. The Violist had never been to such a huge place as Terre Haute, and so he was excited. He traveled to Terre Haute, auditioned, and was granted the Principal Viola position there.

You can guess what happened from here. A tenfold increase in skill placed him in the middle of the Viola Section in the New York Philharmonic! He was thrilled! Another increase of skill by one hundredfold earned him the Principal Violist position with the prestigious Berlin Philharmonic.

"How fortunate for me!" said the violist. I doubled my skill, then doubled it again, then multiplied it by ten, then by a hundred, and look where it got me." He puffed his chest out with pride. "I have one wish left."

He rubbed the lamp and the Genie appeared.

"For my last wish...INCREASE MY MUSIC SKILLS ONE THOUSAND TIMES!"

The Genie trembled. "Are you sure?"

"A thousand times!" the violist repeated.

"But you might not like..."

"I said increase my skills a thousand times! That will make me 4 MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN WHEN I STARTED. GENIE, MAKE ME A THOUSAND TIMES THE MUSICIAN I CURRENTLY AM, AND DO IT NOW!"

The Genie shrugged, "If that's what you want."

The violist closed his eyes, and felt himself being transported to some faraway location. He imagined himself playing concerts for European Royalty. He imagined Juilliard and the Curtis Schools of Music fighting over who would get his services this year. He was filled with confidence...and pride...and could hardly wait to see where he would find himself next. The motion stopped.

The Violist opened his eyes and found himself back at the rehearsal of his original community orchestra. He was in the percussion section holding a triangle and a kazoo and standing next to a 14-year old boy.

"What???" the violist gasped. "There must be some mistake. I play a triangle and a kazoo???"

The boy spun and faced him.

"Maybe next year if you practice really hard. This year you just hand me the musical instruments when I point to you."

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The conductor of a major symphony orchestra returned to the podium after a brief pause in the rehearsal, when suddenly a knock-down drag-out fight erupted between the principal violist and the violinist who sat beside him. The conductor jumped between the two men.
"What's going on here?" he demanded.
The principal violist burst into tears, and the other man smirked silently.
"Maestro," gasped the principal violist between sobs, "my viola isn't in tune anymore. This guy turned one of the pegs and he won't tell me which one."

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Ten minutes later everything was all sorted out. Smiles reigned throughout the viola section. The violist called out, "Everything's okay now Maestro. We've got all the pegs parallel again."

Type in your joke and tell me if you'd like to be identified on this lens if we use your joke!

Why do Violists get so terribly nervous whenever they see a light switch?

ALL THOSE POSITIONS!!!

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Q: How do you know when a violist comes to your door?

A: You can hear him call out, "Pizza Delivery!"

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Why do violists consider their instruments sacred?

Because a person bows the instrument, but only God knows what's going to come out!

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What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A Violist!

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Did you hear about the violist with perfect pitch?

I didn't hear about him either.

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A couple was having marital troules. They went to a counselor to see if their marriage could be saved.

"You need to communicate more," the counselor implored. "You need to interact with one another! If we can't get you chatting some this marriage is doomed. So I want the two of you to go to the symphony concert this evening!"

The couple looked at one another, then back at the counselor.

Finally the wife spoke. "But doctor, I thought you wanted us to talk with one another more."

"That's right," said the counselor.

"But during a concert you're supposed to be quiet," said the husband.

"The soloist is playing the Walton Viola Concerto this evening," said the counselor. "Fifteen minutes in you'll be talking just like everyone else in the hall."

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A violist got tired of hearing all the viola jokes. He decided he needed more respect from his fellow musicians, and so he decided to trade instruments.
After careful thought he walked into the local music store and asked to see the most prestigious instrument he could think of.
"I'd like to see your accordions, please."
The store owner pointed to a display at the very back of the store, and the violist hurried down the aisle. Twenty minutes later he was back.
"I'll take the big gray one!"
"You're a violist, aren't you?" asked the store owner.
"Yes, how did you know."
"Sir, that 'big gray accordion' is a radiator."

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Q: Why are intermissions at the symphony limited to twenty minutes?

A: More than that and you have to retrain the violists.

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Q: How do you put a twinkle in a Violist's eye?

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

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Q: What's the difference between something written in Alto Clef and something written in Greek?

A: Some people can actually read Greek.

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A violist had not advanced a single chair since he started at the back of the section when he auditioned 9 years ago. Frustrated, he decided to do whatever was necessary to improve his position. He went to the conductor with an offer.

"Maestro," said the violist, "I'll do anything for you if you'll even move me forward a single chair. I just can't stay where I am any longer."

The conductor realized that it really wouldn't matter a whole lot which chair the violist sat in, so he decided to cooperate.

"I'll move you up a chair if you do a chore I've been putting off."

"Of course, Maestro, anything." Replied the violist.

"Take this can of paint and this brush," said the conductor. "Go out in front of the house and paint my porch."

The violist eagerly took the paint and the brush and hurried out the door. An hour later the violist came back in through the back door (violists always use the back door) and told the conductor that the job was done.

"You did the entire porch?" asked the conductor.

"Yes, Maestro," answered the violist, "Inside and out. But that car's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Q: What is the difference between a vat of grapes and a vat of violas?

A: You take off your shoes to stomp on the grapes!

The virtuoso violist heard about the Talent Show to raise funds for the local PTA, and so he decided to add his performance to the show. Seeking to impress the community, he pulled out his best piece...Harold in Italy, and practiced it until he was completely pleased with his grasp of the piece.

The night of the show, he was introduced and threw himself into the work. As he finished, he looked at a little girl in the front row of the audience.

"What would you like me to play next," he asked.

The little girl looked back at the violist and replied, "Dominoes."

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Q: What did the violist get on the IQ test?
A: Drool

A woman and her friend are walking down the sidewalk when they come upon a frog.

The frog looks up at them and says, "Please help me, I'm a violist and a witch put a horrible spell on me and turned me into a frog. If one of you picks me up and kisses me, the spell will be broken and I'll turn back into a violist... I'll marry you, play you the most beautiful songs all the time, take you to all my gigs if you want, and we'll live happily ever after."
The woman picks up the frog, puts it in her handbag and starts walking away very quickly.
Her friend runs to catch up to her & asks, "Aren't you going to kiss the frog?!?!?"
The woman replies, "Heck NO! A talking frog is worth a whole lot more than a violist!"

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A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest African jungle. They immediately notice the ceaseless booming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks and weeks.
The scientists first find the drumming interesting. Interest deteriorates into toleration. Eventually the scientists reach a point where they resent the constant pounding.
The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."
The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears.
The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"
The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"
The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"
Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . VIOLA SOLO!!!"