The Road of Happy Destiny - My Journey in Recovery

"...a lie that you will soon begin to believe."There were many times that I was able to stop drinking without the 12 step program. And it was this point that may have kept me from seeking the right kind of help for many years. I had the notion that Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), was for people who wanted to quit. I could quit. So I didn't investigate any further.

What I discovered is that AA isn't just about how to quit. It is a lifetime program of learning how to live with a disease that centers in the mind, becoming more acute over time, and increasingly difficult to challenge. I have heard it said "Alcoholism is a disease (and perhaps the only one), that tries to convince you that you do not have it. It is a progressive illness that continues to envelope your being and it has one goal, which is to destroy your life to the point of actually taking it away."

Alcoholism will tell you that you do not have it. It will convince you that you can quit anytime. It will begin to change your goals in life by lowering them, and creating a lie that you will soon begin to believe. A good example of this from my experience would be my love of art. The high expectations I had for my life when I was very young were soon replaced with less challenging goals. I couldn't get what I wanted for so long; eventually I began to believe that I didn't want it in the first place.

I had found myself at a point where the thought of dying from alcoholism was almost comforting when compared to the thought of living with it. The Alcoholics Anonymous Text, (often called the Big Book), calls this 'the jumping off place,' when we couldn't imagine a life with alcohol or a life without it. Some people have called this 'place' the 'hitting bottom.'

"...I needed whatever it was that she had."When I hit my bottom I had been sober for 7 years. I didn't even know how miserable I was until I met my first sponsor. After a long holiday weekend, I took a car load of children to the park. I was pulling my hair out. I thought that if I could just get a bit of distance between them and me, I might make it through another day.

I recall how so many days felt like that. I didn't want to get up in the morning, I didn't want to be around anyone, and I just wanted to make it though one more day.

I arrived at the park and told the children to 'get over there and play.' I moved to a table that was just close enough if they needed me, but, far enough away to find respite. After I calmed down a little bit, I noticed another women sitting at a nearby table. Very quickly I started to notice the differences.

First of all she was smiling. She had the same number of children with her, but, they were all laughing and playing. They would run up to her and giggle, then run off to play again. Something about this scene made me feel that I needed whatever it was that she had to create such a beautiful and supportive relationship with these little ones.

Against every cell of my being telling me to not do anything, I walked over to her table and introduced myself. Then I came right out with my question. How do you do it?

"...seeking the right kind of help."
Maybe I only heard what I wanted to hear at the time, but, I don't think she mentioned AA even once during our visit. She spoke of meetings, conventions, committees, dances, outings, family events, movie nights, and told me that it just so happened they were going to have a meeting the following Wednesday.

For the next two days I primarily watched the clock. I couldn't wait to go to the meeting that would give me what she had.

I realized that I wanted more than to just not drink. I realized that I needed to team up with people who would show me how to live. And for the first time I believed that there was a better way to approach the problems that alcohol had initiated in my life.

Of course...I didn't have that much insight into my situation or what it was all about at the time. I primarily knew that I hoped to find whatever my new friend had found so that I could be free of the emotional pain and unhappiness that had been a constant companion for far too long.

"Happy, Joyous, & Free!"

SHE SAID
"Keep doing what you're doing, and you'll keep getting what you're getting."

"You need to get rid of the lies to make room for the truth."

"Look for the similarities, not the differences."

"Keep coming back, don't quit before the miracle happens."

"You only need to go to a meeting; when you want to go, when you don't want to go, and at 8:00."

"You probably only need one meeting a week, but, you never really know which one it is."


BILL W. SAID

"I had always believed in a Power greater than myself."

"When they talked about a God personal to me, who was love, superhuman strength and direction, I became irritated and my mind snapped shut against such a theory."

I prayed every day that God would direct me and guide me to a life that would be of maximum service. Yet, things never seemed to work out in any sane fashion. I continued to believe that there was a God and that I had alienated Him because I had been unable to grasp a solution to my problems.

In recovery I found out that I was doing it all backwards. I did not need to find favor with God. It appears that we already have access to all of God's love, care, and forgiveness. What I needed to realize was that I was dealing with a disease that centered in my mind and had all but taken over my emotions, my sanity, and my ability to let go of the lies that I had long believed were true.

I was not going to find my way from where I was to where I wanted to be by any human power.

At the very first meeting of AA, it became clear that there was a better way to live. I met a few dozen recovering people the very first day and I sat quietly listening to each of them speak. I listened for the similarities and found out something very important.

I had found people who had the same kind of thinking that I did. And, in spite of that, they were moving forward. No one had ever understood how my mind worked, until I found a group of people who had the same kind of thinking that I do.

Recovery is a bit like a railroad track.

When I began recovery I had one way of thinking. Like one track on the railway. As time went on and I took the action that was suggested in the program, I started to build another track.

I still have the old track in my mind. And it often shows me that it is still there, active, aware, waiting for me to let anything wedge between myself and recovery.

The new track is also well developed, strong, and free. Living in my mind is a bit like having two televisions on at the same time. I just need to learn how to turn the volume down on the old one and I do that by making a decision each day to pay attention to the new way of thinking.

And...
I can start my day over any time I like.