Wedding Jokes

Your single days can be the most exciting time of your life. If you're not convinced yet, check out why us single women are loving it.

1. "You can do whatever you darn well please."

2. "Shave your legs and the razor is never dull from his face."

3. "Not only is your razor not dull, who needs to shave at all now?"

4. "You can leave bra and other unmentionables in view."

5. "You can slump around the house in any old thing."

6. "You don't having to think about birth control, calendars or ovulation. Aunt Flo can visit whenever she likes."

7. "You can go out and flirt as much as your heart desires, without a worry in the world."

8. "The toilet seat issue -- need I say more?"

9. "Free drinks at bars! Men seem to know when you're single and tend to be very generous."

10. "You can have male friends without having to defend yourself and explain that nothing else is going on."

11. "You can finally see all the good videos -- the romantic, cheesy films.

12. "No one grossing out over Tampax wrappers being anywhere in the house."

13. "You don't have to wear G-string panties unless you want to wear them."

14. "You can have sexual gratification at any time, not just when the sports games are over."

15. "You don't have to deal with anyone's grumpy, moody personalities."

16. "You can get the juice/cheese/toilet paper/videos/CDs/take-out that you want."

17. "You can spend as much time as you want with your family and nobody's lip will drag the ground."

18. "There is no one putting you on a tiny pedestal that you can fall off of at any moment, unless you are focusing on your balance all day long."

19. "You don't have to stroke the fragile male ego, and other things."

20. "No needless exposure to foulness, burping, gas and so on."

21. "Never worry if the milk carton has been directly drunk out of."

22. "You are free at a party or bar to talk to whom you please, and you don't always have to turn and say 'Hon, let's go over and talk to so and so.'"

23. "You can watch Oprah, Rosie, figure skating and cooking/decorating shows without having to defend yourself."

24. "You can buy what you want at the grocery store. So what if you want to have spaghetti four nights in a row?"

25. "You can talk to your girlfriends for hours on the phone without getting dirty, exasperated looks."

26. "No 'buddies' coming over for 'a couple of beers' then staying and commenting on Pamela Anderson all night (like any of them have a chance)."

27."You don't have to do laundry because he has no clean socks."

28."You no longer have to reassure him that he does indeed look like Brad Pitt"

29."Your dryer is no longer a fifth dresser drawer."

30."If you are depressed or mad at the world for a few minutes, you don't have to worry about having your 'outlook on life' analyzed."

31."You can buy something for yourself (a new dress, CD, shoes or whatever) without being asked, 'What do you need that for?'"

32."You can eat garlic or onions without a second thought about breath mints."

33."No one is going to get insulted when you spend the day at the beach checking out the lifeguards."

34."You can have eight hours of undisturbed sleep with the covers all to yourself."

35."You can go to bed in flannel and plaid rather than Frederick's and Victoria"

36."Your friends can sleep over and no sleazy 'Can I join in?' comments are made."

37. "You don't have to worry if he will or won't call."

38."No snoring!"

39. "You can have a clean bathroom with the toilet seat where you want it."

40."The best reason for being single is: Vibrators don't talk back, you can switch them off and on, and they don't stop until they are through serving their purpose."

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little &^%#@ is adorable anymore.

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

FLOOR 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

FLOOR 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

FLOOR 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

FLOOR 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00, on one condition." (There are always conditions.)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said,...

"Clean my house."

There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie, Louie" and "Money Money".

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots that tried to dance with the Bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and Honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and Honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the Bachelor Party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

Men wouldn't ask...."Well, what do you think, Dear, The Burgundy or the Wine colored?" They'd just grab extras napkins from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The brides dress would show cleavage, her navel and be form fitted to her ass.

Instead of a sit down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of barbecue.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist the garter be as high up on her leg as it would go.

The bridal bouquet could be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

Invitations would read as follows.......Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain.... He's getting married.
He either:
A.) knocked her up,
B.) couldn't get a different roommate, or
C.) caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line at Half-time during Sunday's Game.
Please join us at the MoonLight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nacho's and Pizza. Oh Yeah... B.Y.O.B.

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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".

"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. ......God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Product Information
* Paperback: 120 pages
* Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing (August 1, 1995)
* Language: English
Everything Men Know About Women by Alan Francis

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here's the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and it's late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I'll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It's you that has to whack him.
Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It's you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT
it's you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!

I can almost see my hubby laughing and clapping when I read this. I could hear him singing:
Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here's the reason why;
You will be the one bearing my kids
and they will carry my surname.
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
My clothes need washing and ironing,
You will be the one doing it for free.
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!

Well, I will be singing to him:
You will go out and work,
to earn the money for me to spend.
Muahahahahaha!

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