Understanding Sexuality and Sexual Identity

So, you want to know about sexuality and sexual identity. You want the facts, the "truth", the answers to all your questions. Well, dear reader, I can certainly understand the desire for such information. With discussions about sexuality, it can be so incredibly difficult in our world to find relevant, unbiased information. This topic, after all, carries some of the strictest taboos on public discussion or media distribution, yet also is a central aspect to nearly every adult's personal (and sometimes professional) life. With this constriction of information that everyone demands, the potential for spreading of information that is biased, shaded, distorted and even downright false, is nearly endless, as people will take whatever information they get and see it as true. And it happens constantly; all you need to do is look at a Victoria's Secret ad to see a sexuality that has been distorted through airbrushing and computer-generated touch-up techniques. Just watch a daytime soap opera and you'll see depictions of human sexuality that is simplified so much, every viewer can evaluate an entire relationship dynamic in a half-hour time slot.

Remember, like so many other aspects of life, sexuality and sexual identity are defined and influenced by a myriad of outside factors. I will try to write as clearly and balanced as I can, but my opinions will be biased due to my own experiences, just as yours will be. But this shouldn't scare you away, or make you doubt everything you see and hear; after all, the only way that we, as humans, can have a greater understanding of our world is by viewing it, reading it, seeing it from all perspectives and trying to make sense of the information we're being given. This is how we are educated, how we learn.

The information below could very well be the key piece of insight you've been looking for, the point of view you've known was out there but never found. So, my dear reader, ask your questions. I'll provide my answers. My hope for you is that, after reading this, you'll have a better understanding of the sexual world, and all the intricacies within it.

What is Sexuality?

The first step towards understanding a topic is defining it. However, sexuality is a term that can have a thousand different definitions, because for every person the word has a slightly different concept of what the word means. However, to understand sexuality as it impacts everyone, we need a definition that everyone can relate to, and understand. This is the clearest, most concise and accurate definition of sexuality that I can provide:

Sexuality is the desire for pleasurous experiences that involve physical contact or stimulation of various parts of the body.

However, just outlining the basics, defining what sexuality is for everyone, is not enough. To better understand it, we must know what sexuality means for some people--and what it does not mean for others. Every person has varying sexual desires and experiences. Sometimes these experiences are purely sexual, most often they combine other emotions and desires, as well. Here are a few examples of what sexuality means for some (and doesn't mean for others):

Sexuality often involves an attraction towards others, a desire to share physical experiences with them. A person might desire to stimulate another through physical touch, or may desire to have someone else stimulate them. Or both at the same time. But sexuality can, of course, involve only oneself (through acts of masturbation or pornographic material).

Sexuality, for many, involves more than just the stimulation of the genitals. It can include such intimate activities as massages, kissing, even embracing or holding hands.

Sexuality, for many, involves emotions & mental restrictions, and is not solely based on their sexual drive. There are many people who refuse to have sexual contact with someone who they do not like as a friend or friendly acquaintance, and there are many others who only have sexual contact with someone who is committed to them in some sort of romantic or bonding contract. (These would be people who refuse to have sex with someone who is not a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even a husband or wife.)

Sexuality can involve certain behavior restrictions as well. There are some who will have sex with more than one person in the same encounter, and some who will not. Every person has a different set of acts they will or will not perform -- for example, some are not comfortable with intercourse, but are comfortable with other forms of stimulation.

What is Sexual Identity?

And what are its components?

Now that you understand what sexuality means, it's time to narrow in on an integral facet of everyone's sexuality--their sexual identity.

A person's sexual identity defines their limits, boundaries and flexibility as a sexual being. It has three essential components:

desire: the (mostly uncontrollable) feelings a person has towards sexual activities and the people/material that person wants to share the activities with,
behavior: the actual sexual activities the person engages in, whether these activities were desired or not,
identity: the definition that the person consciously assigns to their sexuality.

As you can see, sexual identity has several important components, and these components don't always mesh perfectly together. A person may desire a person that they cannot engage in behavior with. They may assign themselves an identity that doesn't accurately reflect their desire or behavior. They may engage in behaviors they did not desire. These are but a few examples of how sexual identity can become conflicted, and confusing.

Sometimes, even just one of these components can be difficult to understand. For example, a person may not comprehend their desire towards another individual, believing it to be a purely sexual desire when it is both sexual and emotional, or perhaps believing that they admire someone in a chaste manner, suppressing any sexual attraction they may have.

It's no wonder, then, that very few people have a perfectly clear understanding of their own sexual identity, or even certain parts of it.

To make the issue even more confusing, sexual identity can (and always does) change over time. Very rarely are people attracted to the same kinds of people over their entire life. Can you imagine only being attracted to fifteen-year-olds, both when you are fifteen and when you are fifty? Your desire of others changes over time, as does your behavior. There was a time in everyone's life when they were perfectly chaste, but many will eventually choose to have some sort of a sexual life, often with different partners, different techniques and different forms of sexual expression.

If desire and behavior are both constantly changing, it makes sense that many will reconsider and change their identity, as well. So as you can see, every aspect of sexual identity is fluid and ever-changing. It's like peering into a murky river; it is unclear and hard to see through, but always moving

But I thought "Sexual Identity" meant...

The most common question readers like you probably have, after reading that last section, is, "But I thought 'sexual identity' referred to someone being gay or lesbian!"

It does! A huge part of sexual identity involves the gender(s) that a person is attracted to. Gender, after all, is another aspect of being human. We all have some sort of gender, whether it's a standard male or female setting, or an intersexed gender. And there is so much emphasis placed on gender in modern societies, whether it be gender as an identity or gender as an attraction. There are so many roles and expectations of behavior for people concerning their gender and the gender(s) they are attracted to, possibly more than any other aspect of their identity (be it their sexual identity or otherwise).

That's one main reason why so many people consider their gender attractions to be the most "important" or most "prominent" part of their sexuality and sexual identity. It is also one of the most immutable aspects of sexual desire (whether that is due to societal pressures or biological reasons remains to be conclusively, scientifically, determined), and therefore, very hard to suppress and ignore throughout a person's lifetime. Something that difficult to suppress is often very integral to one's overall identity.

More Info on Amazon

If you are interested in reading more about sexuality and sexual identity, or other sexual and gender-related issues, feel free to check out some or all of these recommended readings from Amazon.com!

Ambiguity and Sexuality: A Theory of Sexual Identity (Future of Minority Studies)

by William S. Wilkerson

Amazon Price: $69.95 (as of 10/07/2008)

The Social Construction of Sexuality (Contemporary Societies)

by Steven Seidman

Amazon Price: $15.00 (as of 10/07/2008)

The Kaleidoscope of Gender: Prisms, Patterns, and Possibilities (The Wadsworth Sociology Reader Series)

by Joan Z. Spade, Catherine G. Valentine

Amazon Price: (as of 10/07/2008)

Fundamentals of Human Sexuality: Making Healthy Decisions

by Richard D. McAnulty, M. Michele Burnette

Amazon Price: $88.38 (as of 10/07/2008)

So what does it mean to be...

Straight? Gay? Lesbian? Bisexual?

As we know, gender-related issues are very important to most people's definition of their sexuality; and in the current age of information, we can find answers to any question, answers written by anyone. Unfortunately, since not everyone who speaks out about the subject of sexuality is actually educated about the subject, the answers we find aren't always correct. That's why I'd like to clear up a few misconceptions about modern sexual identities, and what these phrases mean.

You have probably heard the terms "straight", "gay", "lesbian", and "bisexual". But do you know what these actually mean? Do you know other terms people have used to describe their sexual identity, like "bi-curious" or "pansexual"?

- - -

Straight: feeling sexual attraction or desire towards only members of the opposite sex.

Gay: feeling sexual attraction/desire towards only members of the same sex. Can refer specifically to men, but can also encompass both men and women.

Lesbian: a specific term for gay women. Women who have sexual attraction only towards other women.

These three definitions all refer to a sexual attraction that is exclusively geared towards one sex. They are also limiting in that only people who identify as "male" or "female" can use them.

Bisexual: a bisexual person is attracted to both men and women. This does not mean they are attracted to them equally. Many bisexual people are attracted to more people of one gender than of the other. Their preferences may change over time, as well; for example, a person may be mainly attracted to women during adolescence, but may begin to prefer men during middle age.

There are very few people who have never had bisexual desires at some point in their life. Most often, desire for the same-sex is suppressed, to fit in with societal expectations of appearing "straight" or to fit in with one's self-identification as such. But we must remember that gender is only one factor we use to determine another's sexual attractiveness, it only makes sense that we may be attracted to someone for other reasons, such as their personality, style, or other physical attributes, like weight or stature. Anything we find sexually appealing or unappealing can affect our perception of anyone else's attractiveness, and thus our desire for them.

Less Common Sexual and Gender Identities

Bi-Curious? Pansexual? Transgendered? Intersexed?

Most people will classify their sexual identity as one of the four described above: straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual. However, a growing amount of the population chooses less common alternatives to describe their sexual identity, terms you may never have heard before or may be confused about what they mean.

Bi-curious: when a person identifies as bi-curious, usually this means that they mainly desire people of the opposite sex, but are curious to know what a sexual encounter with a person of their gender would be like. Most often they also feel at least some sexual attraction towards members of the same sex, and they may choose to incorporate that into their identity and call themselves "bisexual", or may prefer the term "straight", as they have only had sexual experiences with the opposite sex (or none at all).

Pansexual: a pansexual person is one that is attracted to all genders. They are attracted to people who are male, female, transgendered or intersexed. They do not consider any of these traits a hindrance to sexual attraction.

And in case you were wondering what "transgendered" and "intersexed" mean...

Transgendered: a person who does not follow the expected roles of the gender they were assigned from infancy. Often they will adopt the expected behaviors of the opposite gender; for example, a transgendered male may dress in conventional women's clothing and identify as a woman. Some may even have their sex biologically altered, using hormone therapy or gender reassignment surgery to physically appear as the gender they wish to be. A person's transgendered status does not directly affect their sexual preferences (a male who identifies as a woman may be attracted to females, males, both or all genders), but many transgendered people do identify as gay males or lesbian females.

Intersexed: a person whose genitalia are "ambiguous" and do not fit into the standard definitions of male or female. They may identify as a man or a woman, or as both or neither. Intersexed people may possess clearly developed genitalia of both sexes, partially developed genitalia of both, or more development of one sex than the other. For example, one intersexed person may have a fully developed penis but also contains ovaries within the body; another may have mostly female genitalia but with an abnormally large clitoris; another may possess both a penis and a vagina. There are nearly infinite possibilities.

Alternative Sexual Identities on Amazon

Interested in reading more about transsexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality? Then check out some of these books on Amazon.com!

She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband

by Helen Boyd

Amazon Price: $10.85 (as of 10/07/2008)

Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality

by Martin S. Weinberg, Colin J. Williams, Douglas W. Pryor

Amazon Price: $40.50 (as of 10/07/2008)

The Children Are Free: Reexamining the Biblical Evidence on Same-sex Relationships

by Rev. Jeff Miner, John Tyler Connoley

Amazon Price: $12.95 (as of 10/07/2008)

How Sex Changed: A History of Transsexuality in the United States

by Joanne Meyerowitz

Amazon Price: $18.45 (as of 10/07/2008)

Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe from the Beginning of the Christian Era to the Fourteenth Century

by John Boswell

Amazon Price: $15.64 (as of 10/07/2008)

Common Misconceptions and Stereotypes about Sexual Identities

Part 1

There are few topics as fascinating to the populace, but as misunderstood by them, as sexuality. Many people only have bits and pieces of information to go on, and so they often have huge misconceptions about sexual identities--especially those identities that are different from theirs. I'd like to clear up a few common misconceptions and debunk the stereotypes many people have concerning this.

People identifying as gay or straight are very rarely attracted to other genders. Gay people are not "straight but diseased" (there is no solid evidence to determine that being gay is a disease, as sexual attractions do not directly effect any other part of mental or physical health), nor do most of them consider themselves to be "in the wrong body". Straight people are not all "gay but closeted". Many people who establish one of these identities for themselves remain gay or straight (in behavior, identity, desire, or a combination) for their entire lives.

Bisexual and pansexual people are not necessarily "confused" about or "questioning" their sexual identity. Nor are they "greedy" for being attracted to more than one gender.

Promiscuity and polyamory, and even prudishness and chastity, are not tied to a person's sexual identity. Sex drive is not determined by a person's sexual orientation. A person is not more/less sexually active than anyone else due to their sexual identity.

People do not have a choice about which gender(s) they are attracted to and desire. This part of their sexual identity they have no control over, and most therapies and reeducation programs have no effect on. However, a person's behavior can be modified by outside factors, so this part of their sexual identity can be adjusted. So yes, gay people (and all sexual people) do have a choice about who they engage in sexual activity with, but they also don't have a choice about who they desire sexual contact with. Ultimately, however, every person does eventually determine their own identity, whether they are completely honest about every facet of their identity, desire and behavior or not.

Common Misconceptions and Stereotypes about Sexual Identities

Part 2

There is no conclusive scientific evidence to support the theories that a person's sexuality is determined by childhood factors, such as: the lack of a mother/father figure, spending more time with the opposite/same sex, or not following traditionally "male" or "female" roles (such as a girl playing sports or a boy playing with dolls). The causes that influence a person's eventual sexual identity are almost entirely unknown. Some genetic links have been discovered, but the evidence they give is nowhere near strong enough to make any conclusive statements.

A person's morality is not determined by their sexual identity. People do not commit crimes "because of their gayness". Being gay does not increase anyone's likelihood of being a criminal.

A person's sexual identity identity does not make them more "feminine" or "masculine". If they choose to be as such, it is a mode of self expression for part of their overall identity, but not determined by their sexual attractions.

Having a particular sexual identity does not make a person incapable of committing to and maintaining a healthy relationship with someone else.

A person's sexuality does not give them an "agenda" or wish to remove the political rights of anyone else. Their sexual identity does not make them want to destroy anyone else's marriage or relationships (and their ability to marry would/does not interfere directly with anyone else's marriage).

Having a particular sexual identity does not make a person intolerant or unaccepting of other sexual identities. Nor does it guarantee that they will be tolerant and accepting of others.

Other Great Lenses

Now that you've read this author's view on sexuality and sexual identity issues, are you interested in hearing others' perspectives? If so, then check out these excellent lenses by other lensmasters and see what they have to say!

Gay Resources

For the GLB community, or those that are questioning, or just plain curious, this list of books and links provides a jumping off point for understanding homosexuality. This list is constantly undergoing improvements and updates, so check back often f...

Sexuality Education

Find useful and correct information on sexualitiy education. Learn to talk about sexuality with anybody, including your sex partners, and don't kid yourself. Find out about comprehensive sexuality education and why anything less is contradicted by th...

Resources on Bisexuality

Being gay means being on the margins of straight society. But many times, being bisexual can mean being on the margins of both straight society and gay society. The following links and books address bisexuality. This list of resources is currently un...

Gay & Christian: Be Defined By Your Faith & Not By Your Sexuality!

When many hear "gay lifestyle", they believe it is a life of debauchery, promiscuity, and immorality. But there are many who live by their faith, and NOT by the world's interpretation of homosexuality. The DEFINED BY FAITH shop contains...

BiSexuality

Being BiSexual isn't as novelty as it has become in recent years. It is a journey that one goes through to find one's self. There are ups and downs there are pros and cons. But finding yourself is the most rewarding feeling once you...

Sexuality and Sexual Identity Groups on Squidoo

If you'd like to learn more about sexuality, alternative sexualities and sexual identities, and practical sexual education, check out the helpful links to Squidoo groups below! For more useful links, check out the Featured Lenses section--many of the authors have links to other sexuality and GLBT resources.

The LGBT Group Headquarters on Squidoo: The official group for "Squidoo lenses and lensmasters addressing Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender issues".
The Equal but Different Group Headquarters on Squidoo: The official Squidoo group for "lenses and lensmasters promoting or addressing equality and diversity."

Sexual Identity Products on CafePress

If you're interested in sharing the knowledge you've gained about sexuality, then check out these unique products from Cafepress.com! Whether you're looking to make a bold statement or simply a funny one, Cafepress has millions of designs to browse through. Gay and lesbian themed items are one of the most popular categories of Cafepress, so there's definitely plenty to choose from!

Lesbian Bunnies Women's Light T-Shirt

from Art of Ame

"My lesbian bunnies are not a secret." This is one of my original designs; this and others can be found at my Cafepress site, Art of Ame.

Price: 17.99

Hate is not a family value Bumper sticker

from GearAmerica! Bumper Stickers, Buttons and Apparel

"Hate is not a family value".

Price: 4.49

Pro Gay Rights Fitted T-Shirt

from Koy's Cogitations - Paying Attention and Outraged

"Another straight person for gay rights."

Price: 17.99

from

"I am not confused."

Price: 0.00

pansexual pride + definition Women's Tank Top

from lady lamia - pansexual pride + definition

Back of t-shirt reads: "Pansexual: A person who is sexually or romantically attracted to people. Regardless of gender or sex. We recognize that there are more than two genders and embrace all, even those who do not fit into the strict societal construct of male or female."

Price: 17.99

Sexual Identity on Google Blogs

For more opinions on sexual identity topics, check out these new blogs from some of the most renowned bloggers on the web!

10 of the BEST things you can do for your sexual self . (taken ...
Relationships Part 1 - Exploring your own sexuality Before you ...
The Big Fall Season Starts Tuesday
Sexual identity crisis...

Powered by Google

Your Sexual Identity: A Poll

We've seen that sexual identities are widely varied. Which one, do you feel, seems to suit you the best?

Loading poll. Please Wait...

Your Thoughts?

So, what did you think? Was this lens helpful in educating you about sexuality and sexual identity issues? Are there any other questions you would like to ask? Any personal anecdotes about sexual identity and self-discovery you would like to share with the world? (Although it is a sensitive topic, please keep all comments G-rated. Thank you!) If this lens has benefited your life and changed your way of thinking in some way, I'd love to hear about it!

B7T

Very informative. You and other readers of this lens may be interested in my lens on asexuality. Because people for obvious reasons associate sexuality and sexual identity with sex and sexual attraction, it's a topic that unfortunately tends to be overlooked.

Posted April 20, 2008

Abbeys_Carolinas

Thank you for a comprehensive education tutorial. So important today. Please visit this lens to read about a modern day heroine who championed respectful and quality healthcare for one person at a time.

Posted January 13, 2008

Share your knowledge. Make a difference.

Understanding Sexuality and Sexual Identity

Rate this Lens