WITTY WENCHES

Hecate, (daughter of Zeus), the Greek Goddess of Childbirth not to mention the Wilderness and Untamed Areas. Also known as the protector of entrances it is another role for which she is most revered - as supreme governess of the crossroads between the known world and spirit world (often depicted as having three heads; one of a dog, one of a snake and one of a horse).

Frankly, this feisty female, often portrayed incorrectly as the goddess of witchcraft or evil, did a lot of good deeds in her day, besides the usual list of things like doing the laundry, preparing the meals, and listening to the kids squabble! Remember the time she rescued Persephone, (Demeter's daughter, Queen of the Underworld and Maiden of Spring), from that hot spot known as Hades?

Let's face it, Hecate was one heck of a harridan and that's why she was worshipped by both the Greeks and the Romans who had their own festivals dedicated to her. Apparently the Greeks dedicated August 13th and November 30th as sacred days in honor of Hecate, whilst the Romans observed the 29th of every month as her sacred day.

So what might fit this category of humor...

"Practical Magic" - a great drama-comedy about a family of witches who know how to brew up a storm, ride a broom and bemuse a zombie, starring Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman, Stockard Channing, and Dianne Wiest.

"Hocus Pocus" zany, fun film full of comic chaos centering around a trio of resurrected withes (Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker)return from 17th-century Salem, Massachusetts after they're accidentally conjured up by some unsuspecting pranksters!

"The Witches" a hilarious comedy that focuses on the annual convention of a coven of witches being held in a posh English hotel where the Grand High Witch has just decreed that all children must be turned into mice...and why not they are imps aren't they?

"Death Becomes Her" ...come in for a spell and watch this bodacious black comedy full of weird bits of wonk and magical potions from two mavens of mirth, (Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn)!

"She-Devil" forget about the Queen of Sheba...this one's about a bit of revenge by a frumpy housewife (Roseanne Barr) with a bad attitude and a ripsnorting romance novelist (Meryl Street) who lives in a pink palace...both have one thing the same man (aka the louse of a spouse)!

The Addams Family - a much acclaimed American TV series, this will satisfy the appetite of those who appreciate ghoulish gourmet...I mean's what's not to like about a heroine named "Morticia", and scary servant named "Lurch" and of course, "Thing"!

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Image Credit: Disney Witch@flickr.com

There are many witty women out there who have turned their talent for telling titillating tales into fame and fortune!

Here are just a few funny females who come to mind:

Karen Elizabeth Gordon, author of such bizarre and bemusing classic and comic reference books, The Deluxe Transitive Vampire, The Disheveled Dictionary, Torn Wings and Faux Pas, and The New Well-Tempered Sentence - A Punctuation Handbook for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed, not to mention several witty, wanderlusting works entitled, The Ravenous Muse - A Table of Dark & Comic Contents, A Bacchanal of Books, The Red Shoes and Other Tattered Tales, and Paris Out of Hand - A Wayward Guide.

Karen Salmansohn, is a sassy, savvy, shoot-from-the-hip sort of self-help somebody whose best-selling books can be found on many a feminist bookshelf. Her clever, wise words of advice are many including: Hot Mama: How to Have a Babe and Be a Babe; How to be Happy, Dammit; How to Speak Lovey Dovey in 11 Languages in 12 Hours; How to Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days or Less, Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers; How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis; Even God is Single, So Stop Giving Me a Hard Time; The Clitourist; The 7 Lively Sins; Ballsy: 99 Ways to Score Extreme Success;

Anne Taintor has been dedicated to making smart people smile since 1985 with such vintage vixen humorous household items as They Hated To Spread Gossip Address Book, "I'm Becoming My Mother - Anne Taintor Postcard Collection"), "Maybe I Want To Look Cheap - Anne Taintor Napkins" or the cutting-edge comical "You Couldn't Handle Half of Me 2008 Wall Calendar".

Hilarious one-liners from wonderfully witty women:

-- "Macho does not prove mucho." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, American entertainer

-- "A woman is like a tea bag -- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

-- "My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors." -- Bette Midler, American actress and singer.

-- "My husband was actually very keen that I would become a Bond girl." -- Dame Judi Dench, British actress.

-- She's flat as the prairies and twice as wide." -- Mary Walsh as Connie Bloor, (a "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" Prairie TV correspondent who provides a series of snorty reports from a donut shop wearing a tuque and earmuffs).

-- "Men should be like Kleenex--soft, strong and disposable." -- Cher, American pop singer

--"I always like to kiss in movies. Any opportunity." -- Diane Keaton, American actress.

-- "You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing." -- Meryl Streep, American actress.

-- "If I had been around when Rubns was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kat Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush." -- Dawn French -- British comedian.

-- "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk." -- Rita Rudner, American comedian.

-- "Once you can laugh at your own weaknesses, you can move forward. Comedy breaks down walls. It opens up people. If you're good, you can fill up those openings with something positive. Maybe you can combat some of the ugliness in the world." -- Goldie Hawn, American actress, author, and comedian.

-- "She could no longer swallow such negativity...so, with a single, slow lick, wrapped her tongue around all that was sour, rinsed and spit." -- Susan Mrosek, illustrator and artist.

-- "I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry." -- Victoria Wood, British comedian.

-- "I don't have pet peeves, I have whole kernels of irritation." -- Whoopi Goldberg, American actress and comedian.

-- "To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel." -- Fran Lebowitz, American author and humorist.

-- "There is no such thing as a wrong answer. However, if there WERE such a thing, Malcolm, that certainly would have been it." -- From Don't Let the Turkeys Get You Down by Susan Boynton.

-- "I love cooking, I love reading, I love anything that doesn't require too much exercise." -- Bea Arthur, American actress, and one of three stars in the popular 1980s TV sitcom, "The Golden Girls".

-- "It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men." -- Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress and writer.

-- "Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be." -- Nora Ephron, American film director, producer, screenwriter, and author.

-- "A request or order surreptitiously or politely phrased as a questions does not end in a question mark.
-- Will you pardon my shabby getup and ravish me again.
--Won't you please stop making such a private spectacle of yourself.
--Would you please muffle your little commotion and straighten out your mugs.
--Will you take your lummoxy feet off my uncle's ottoman, and my auntie's chin strap off your Doberman." -- From "The New Well-Tempered Sentence - A Punctuation Handbook for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed." by Karen Elizabeth Gordon.

-- "If love is the answer could you rephrase the question." -- American comedian, Lily Tomlin.

-- "What the world needs is more love and less paperwork." -- Pearl Bailey, 1918-1990, American singer and actress.

-- "Smart girls know how to play tennis, piano, and dumb." -- Lynn Redgrave, British actress.

-- "What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?" -- Erma Bombeck, 1927-1996, American humorist.

"I have a rare intolerance to herbs which means I can only drink fermented liquids, such as gin." -- Julie Walters, British commedienne.

-- "From birth to 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash. I'm saving my money." -- Sophie Tucker (1884-1966), American singer and comedian

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Insert illustration credit: Ollerina at flickr.com.