I am guilty of abusing grammar and spelling intentionally, as a form of humor. This subtle style of mine is often lost in written communication.

I use a lot of emoticons when I am writing emails or forum posts, because my choice of words often leaves me looking like a ... female dog. That is usually not my intent, so I try to follow up dry attempts at humor and my seeping sarcasm with a wink.

It is honestly not meant to be condescending. ;)

See? You saw the wink, and assumed that the preceding sentence was said in fun. But I really meant that one.

Seriously, I do not strive to offend.

It happens, yes - A LOT - and I find myself apologizing for being misunderstood, but I often wonder if people don't just assume that I am a venomous serpent based on their initial impression of me due to my poorly delivered messages.

They may sound the same in speech, but when communicating in a written form you really need to know which one to use.

there | their | they're

to | two | too

then | than

your | you're | ur

sense | since

You don't often see our written as hour, but I can't believe how often I see are instead. "Look at are new puppys!" Oh, come on! Got second grade?

except | accept

insure | ensure

affect | effect

Women is plural. It means more than one woman. I am tired of seeing, A women I met, or What a dumb women!

Honestly, I don't think less of you if you screw up once in a while, or if you habitually offend the American English standard. But, you must realize you will not be taken seriously in the professional world if your written communications include egregious errors!

In the 90's I became the proofreader of a national magazine -- mainly because I bothered to point out some errors to my boss, whether that was a good thing or not I'm still unsure, as it meant more work for the same pay -- and later learned a number of the proper editing symbols from a co-worker with actual copy editing experience.

(That is a really long sentence, and I am fighting the instinct to rewrite it just to point that out. I write and rewrite most replies and posts, always certain that I'm missing a terrible affront to the Chicago Manual of Style. Let me rewrite and format it below; I can't stand to leave it as is.)

In the '90s I unexpectedly became the proofreader of a national magazine.

I'm not sure why I bothered to point his errors out to my former boss -- probably couldn't resist the compulsion -- but it led to more work for the same pay. I shouldn't complain, as it actually led to my (also unintended) jumpstart into the graphic design world.

Years later, I learned many of the proper proofreader's marks from a colleague with copy editing experience. I picked up enough to pass the certification exam for Proofreading through Brainbench, and that looks good on a resume.

(Whew! That's better. Although if I don't click 'Save' now, I will keep trying to fix it.)

or when sounded like 'A' as in neighbor or weigh ...

Is that really so hard to memorize?

receive not recieve
believe not beleive
achieve not acheive

I admit it ... some words are just STUPID. They don't follow the spelling conventions we learn in school, they look wrong even when spelled right, and many people don't know what they mean anyway. However, if you want to use a big word to look intelligent - please look it up in a dictionary first!

Some of my favorite words:

• egregious (ie. an egregious oversight)
• vomitous (ie. vomitous mass)
• Maleficent (Aurora's nemesis, my nickname)

With a language this challenging, how can any person be right all the time?

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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