The World's Greatest Mysteries

Mysteries of the Deep II Art Print
Gockel, Alfred
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I must admit that I have never quite been able to figure out the logic of such requests. At the time of writing, Tuesday 26th February 2008, I still have fresh in my mind an event which occured on a train between Edinburgh Waverley and Motherwell Stations only a few days ago.

I happened to be sitting at a table across the central aisle of the carriage from two "extremely stout" ladies, who were happily munching away upon an unknown number of cakes, pastries and I know not what else, while taking the occasional sip from their "Diet" Colas. Do they honestly believe that such liquids contain some miracle drug which will counteract the 10,000 calories they have otherwise consumed in the same time period? Do they actually perhaps believe that by choosing the virtually calorie free drink, they are countering the effects of the confectionaries?

I promise that it is not my intention to be cruel here but the entire concept of a "calorie controlled diet" does not mean simply replacing the sugar in one's drink. It is an all encompassing process and I am no nutritionist nor dietician but the phrase "defeating the purpose" does spring immediately to mind. Perhaps, however, I can incorporate this philosophy in to my own lifestyle, in that the next time I find myself on a lads' night out, following my twenty-fifth pint of beer, I will switch to the alcohol free variety... --Gordon Hamilton

They look innocent enough; in the correct hands, they undoubtedly are innocent enough...you don't even need a licence to "drive" them! But the tailbacks and "road" rage they cause is unrivalled!

So to what am I referring? Lorries or trucks the size of railway carriages? High speed sports cars which whip along the road at breakneck speed? Perhaps motorcycles which weave in and out of traffic queues like slithering snakes through long grass as you sit patiently waiting for Hell to freeze over?

No! I refer of course to that scourge of vehicular motion: the supermarket trolley or cart! How often have you found yourself ensnared between the canned fruit and toiletries due to some thoughtless joyrider or daredevil in support stockings and blue rinse having recklessly abandoned her trolley across the aisle whilst she wanders off in search of tinned peas? How often have you silently seethed and fumed as these delinquents stand side by side, nonchalantly flipping their fingers at humanity, blocking the aisle in both directions, while they discuss such hell-raising subjects as who kissed whom in last night's prime time TV soap or how shocking the price of a loaf of bread is these days?

But of course we must not be age-ist in our definition and naming and shaming of these miscreants. How often have we seen and heard those young mothers cheerfully arranging their hairdressing appointments on their mobile/cell phones, while little Johnny happily relieves himself into the brussel sprouts, little Jimmy contentedly plays with the contents of someone else's basket and little Suzie bawls her head off from her vantage point in a forgotten about trolley skewed across the main aisle? Is it just me who is frightened by the prospect of that same person about to take her car on to the public highway?

And - ladies among you - neither must we be sexist. There are I am well aware the macho male types, who believe that they have the sole right of access to each lane and aisle and charge along like the proverbial bull in a china shop, caring not who or what may venture across or be directly in their path. How many times have you had your ankles clipped by the trolley of such a person? How many times have you seen someone almost bowled over in to a display with only a grunt and a scowl by way of apology, as though the unfortunate person needs to be excused for living?

Just once, I would love the opportunity to approach one of these people - perhaps dressed in one of those ridiculous supermarket security man uniforms - and identify myself as a member of the trolley police. I would ask them to blow in to a plastic grocery bag on suspicion of having drunk too much tea, applied too much lipstick or having failed to take his "happy" pills, demand to see their bus pass, child benefit book or golf club membership card and assure them that the warning they are there and then receiving will not be repeated. Further violation of the "Supermarket Code" will result in their permanent banishment to open air markets at least twenty miles from their home town.

Perhaps then we may see an improvement... -- Gordon Hamilton

Do you ever go to a party, or a bar, or a club and watch how much someone is drinking, wondering, "How do they manage to put that much away without falling over unconscious?" Perhaps you are such a person!

It is as though these people have some form of immunity to alcohol. They seem to be able to keep going when most of us would have been flat out. I know a few people for whom the t-shirt (or another of the many great products from the same shop) would be very appropriate. Do you?

This sign pictured left is prominently displayed in carriages on The London Underground system. During a recent (extremely boring) journey, I began wondering just how far we are supposed to extend this courtesy...?

I of course fully appreciate and agree with the request that I should vacate my seat for the elderly, the infirm - or being chivalrous as I am - any lady who may require it, whether pregnant or not. I cannot help but wonder, however, whether I am supposed to stand and make way for a twenty-something year old boy who is so intoxicated, he is "less able to stand?"

What do you think...?

I very much hope that you can imagine my feelings of puzzlement - nay, astonishment! - when I found myself stood at an Edinburgh bus stop recently - which was ninety percent open to the elements (wind and rain!) - reading a notice (similar to but more detailed than the one pictured) which told me that smoking within the confines of the "shelter" was prohibited. This in itself was not what astounded me so much as the fact that a telephone number was provided for those wishing to complain about any flaunting of this rule!

There is legislation prohibiting smoking in public buildings and can appreciate why contact details would be given to complain about someone smoking in a pub toilet or office building. But precisely what do the powers that be intend to do about someone smoking at an extremely public bus stop? How could anyone get there in time to do anything about it?

After a little thought, I could only imagine that the assistance of Batman and Robin, Superman, or even Captain James T Kirk and the "USS Enterprise" had been sought and secured. Picture this if you will...

A klaxon wails: "Red Alert! Red Alert! Battlestations! This is not a drill!"

"All hands, this is the Captain! We are being forced to temporarily abandon our inter-Galactic war with the Klingons and the Romulans - upon which the very future of the Federation depends - in order to travel back in time to the 21st Century and intercept some absent-minded drunk witnessed smoking at a bus stop in Olde Edinburgh!

"Engineering, I need Warp Nine, now...!"

I can think of only one thing sadder and more pathetic than the nature of this sign...and that is someone who would actually call the number!!!

It is touted as - statistically, at least - the safest form of travel. It is getting us from A to B - and even C - faster all the time. But why does it sometimes take longer to get off a berthed aircraft than it took to make the flight itself? Why does it sometimes seem as though we would actually have been quicker travelling on a tandem and a rowing boat?

Hand baggage restrictions are in place to a varying extent on most of the world's airlines. We see those small baskets at check-in desks, in which - allegedly - all baggage should be able to fit if it is to be carried on to the aircraft. It never fails to puzzle me therefore as to why some people feel the need to carry what all but represents their entire worldly possessions on to an aircraft? What do they really need other than perhaps a book or newspaper to read, or a folder or laptop with which to do some work? Why does it take some people longer to collect their supposedly meagre allowance of baggage from the overhead lockers at the end of the flight than it took Santa Claus to grow his beard?

Think about it for a moment. How often have you been stuck in your seat - typically, as far as is at all possible from the nearest available exit - whilst someone in front or behind folds, unfolds and re-folds a jacket, stretches and scratches every reachable piece of their anatomy, debates with their fellow traveller which piece of hand luggage is indeed theirs, re-belts their trousers and fiddles with anything and everything within reach? Do you not just want to yell at them to get a move on and that you have a meeting to go to, or a holiday to enjoy, or a life to live?

Just once, I would love to see an airline impose maximum hand baggage collection times. I think five seconds is more than reasonable. One simply undoes one's seatbelt, stands up, opens locker, removes small case or bag and disembarks. How difficult does that sound? In the event of any breach of such protocol, a steward/stewardess would confront the offender, snatch their baggage from them, move to the nearest available exit and launch it as far as possible across the tarmac. "Thank you for flying with Common Sense Airlines, Sir/Madam," could be the subsequent speech. "Please enjoy the rest of your day now that your fellow passengers are going to be allowed to do likewise!" I believe this would reduce airline delays, take much of the stress out of travelling...and most importantly of all, give these people a little bit of precisely what they deserve!

Captain's Log - Stardate: Sunday, 30th December 2007...

I have just returned from a very enjoyable few days' break in Inveraray, Argyll, on the west coast of Scotland. I happened during the course of the weekend to bear witness to an event which I hope you will agree is a little "mysterious," but also perhaps a little bit touching.

I was sitting in the bar of the Argyll Hotel - where we were staying - in the late afternoon one day when I happened to notice a gentleman enter, wearing nothing but a long wig and what appeared to be a form of grass skirt, akin to those worn by Hawaiian Hula dancers. He proceeded to the bar where he loudly proposed to the barmaid on duty.

Along with the few other customers in the bar, I was then made privy to the information that this gentleman - known to all within the town as "Spock" - has been pursuing Karen for what he assured us has been about thirty years in the hope of winning her hand in marriage. He had finally decided that by performing such an outlandish and audacious stunt, she could not fail to swoon and be won over. You may or may not be surprised to learn that he was not entirely successful!

So what do you think? Ladies, would such actions from a suitor capture your heart? Gentlemen, would you be prepared to go to such lengths to impress the woman of your dreams? Please vote below and help Karen make her ultimate decision. -- Gordon Hamilton

Mystery Art Print
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We all know that feeling. We sign in to check our e-mails and find that we have received upwards of a hundred...but only two are in any way genuine or relevant! Where do all these other ones come from and who actually believes for a second that we are interested in reading them?

What, however, if there actually was a way to get paid for reading advertising e-mails? Wouldn't that really be something? But who is going to pay us for simply sitting at our PC reading e-mails...?

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Mysteries of the Deep I Art Print
Gockel, Alfred
Buy at AllPosters.com

As we have looked at above, there are a small few genuine money making opportunities to be found on the Internet but they are in the tiny minority compared to the number of immoral - if not actually downright illegal - operations that are on the go. Why, though, when some of these schemes are so outrageous and outlandish do people still fall for them in their droves? What is it about these shysters that they can persuade decent, everyday people to part with their cash so easily and so readily? Are they simply playing upon one of the deadliest of the seven deadly sins - greed?

Maybe I should give it a whirl...?

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Why is it that the present weather conditions, wherever we may happen to be, comprise so many people's opening topic of conversation? Is it because it is "safe" and unlikely to cause offence? Is it, perhaps in a similar fashion, because it is something that either directly or indirectly affects most people's day or mood and therefore almost all of us can relate to it? Is it, perhaps somewhat pathetically, the fact that the speaker is so incredibly boring, it is the sole subject upon which they can converse - or worse still, they think that of you?

Whatever the reason may be, I propose that we start making an attempt to alleviate the incredible monotony of this subject matter. Picture for me if you will the following hypothetical scenarios:

You find yourself caught in a torrential downpour on the way to the bus stop, without benefit of either a raincoat or an umbrella. As you finally reach shelter and shake yourself down under the pitiful gaze of a total stranger, what do you say? "Terrible day, is it not?"...No!!! How about instead looking them straight in the eye and exclaiming, "Hell, you're ugly!" Surely this is a far more interesting and original approach?

It may be that you work in a front line retail job, such as a shop or a bank, and that you are absolutely sick to death of discussing the inclement weather twenty times an hour with every person who appears before you. Try varying your approach by greeting one such customer with something a little bit different.

"Have you ever heard of breath mints?" you could exclaim. "Your breath stinks like you've been sucking garlic cloves from a toilet bowl!" It would be a great tale to relate in the queue at the unemployment office, if nothing else!

What is some people's problem with using an Automated Telling Machine (ATM)? Why do some of them treat it as though it is either the most complex piece of machinery they will ever encounter, or alternatively, the most interesting acquaintance they will make that day?

How often have you found yourself stood in a queue, quarter of a mile long, only to get to the second from front to discover that the philistine in front of you has apparently decided to clean and perform a full service on the machine as well as withdraw cash from it? What are they doing all that time? Why must they rake through pockets or purses, consult diaries or scraps of paper, peer at the screen as though it is divulging the meaning of life, then finally get their cash and still hang around like clothes on a washing line? They've already been stood in a queue for long enough to require a fresh shave or manicure! Why couldn't they have had everything ready so that they simply insert their card, enter their PIN and withdraw their cash? Is it really rocket science?

What I suggest in this instance is that retina recognition devices replace PIN numbers at the earliest opportunity (as they are scheduled to do anyway). The ATM's may then be programmed to determine when Person X has been stood before it for an unacceptable length of time. The first mechanical voice prompt could be a gentle one along the lines of, "Thank you for your custom. Please now allow the next person access to my facilities." If that doesn't work...well, perhaps I'll leave the next prompt to your own imagination...

EBay is the place on the Internet to get great bargains on all sorts of stuff! You can even sell your own unwanted things on it for cash, all through the safety of the eBay-owned PayPal.

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Women the whole world over have long since been heard to ask their husbands whether or not a certain part of their anatomy looks big in a particular garment. It seems to be an obsession of their gender. But have you noticed how it seems to be manifesting itself earlier and earlier these days?

With virtually every day that goes by, modern scientific research and development is enhancing and enriching our lives with new discoveries and technological gadgetry. That is an indisputable fact and it is equally true to say that the existence of some of these new products would have been inconceivable, even in the very recent past. I cannot, however, even taking the above into account, relate to how so many people are under the misapprehension that modern mobile/cell phones have the capacity to render them invisible and, particularly, inaudible to all those around them!

In the last few short weeks alone, I have been astounded to bear reluctant witness to one side of some incredible conversations - conducted extremely publicly - where it would genuinely appear that the speaker is wholly unaware of his or her capacity to be overheard. Sitting on a bus or train, drinking in a pub, eating in a restaurant, walking down the street - it seems that there is no limit to where one is inadvertently subjected to the private lives and concerns of those individuals! I have heard lurid details of extremely personal and intimate relationships; I have heard banking details supplied; I have even heard one gentleman discussing the career performance details of his named employees working for his named business - and that is to name but a few!

"Don't listen!" I hear someone say. "Turn a deaf ear!"

That would at first appear to be sound advice...were it not for the fact that these are the same people who feel the need to shout into the device as though it is but a plastic cup at the end of a piece of string!

It is perhaps just as well that I am not a person inclined towards a bit of blackmailing here and there!!!

P.S. It would appear that it is not merely mobile telephone users who are guilty of such gross indiscretions. I was recently in a pub for a bar lunch with a friend when we played reluctant witness to an extremely controversial monologue at the next table. I use the word "monologue" deliberately, as the gentleman at whom these recitals were aimed did not have the opportunity to get a word in edgeways!

A middle-aged gentleman with a voice like a foghorn proceeded to relate some extremely personal information about his boss in the High Street Banking sector. He began innocently enough (by later comparison) by revealing the gentleman in question's name, address and salary, along with details of the pub he drank himself senseless in each night. He soon moved on, however, to more juicy subject matter by revealing how this gentleman arranged his summer holidays to provide him with an opportunity to "suck up" to his own boss and ultimately, how he provides overdrafts and loans to a very specific type of exotic dancers in exchange for "favours."

I have no intentions of revealing the details of the bank (and specific branch address!) that this unfortunate gentleman works at but I am sure he would be more than flabbergasted to learn of his employee's indiscretions...

Did you know that there are more than a million pages here on Squidoo? That is a lot of information, on just about any subject you can think of under the sun!

Why don't you therefore have a go at building your own page? There are no special skills required, other than knowledge of something! It can be about your pet, your favourite sports' team, your favourite holiday destination...the only limits are those imposed by your own imagination.

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We have all seen those TV commercials, magazine advertisements or whatever for cars which can go from "zero to sixty" seemingly faster than most of us can even say it and have a top speed of "xyz" mph - but what is the point of paying the price of an average family home for such a machine when we have that extremely "inconvenient" little consideration that is a speed limit to observe?

Yes, I am aware that there are certain stretches of the German Autobahns where such restrictions do not apply. I do not doubt, either, that there are other locations similarly bereft of limits. The reality, however, is that most of us are affected, day in and day out, no matter which road we may be driving on, by a fixed limit as to the speed at which we can travel. In the United Kingdom, the maximum speed on any road is 70mph - so why does anyone require a car easily capable of double that?

"Boys and their toys," is a common enough phrase applied to fast cars and I am genuinely not attempting to be some sort of killjoy here just for the sake of it. It genuinely does astound me, however, that despite so many fatal accidents involving speeding drivers on our roads each year, no government has proposed any form of legislation looking at curbing how fast the cars on our roads are capable of travelling. Is that too sensible - or would it just prove too expensive in the form of lost tax revenue?

It is such a simple idea yet not something I have ever before encountered in my travels. Whether the "vertically challenged" being catered for are youngsters not yet "up" to reaching the height of the traditional urinal, or those gentlemen forever of a shorter posture, surely what one sees in this picture makes sense. After all, what right does anyone have to determine the height a urinal should be? We come in many different shapes and sizes!

This photograph was taken in the Gents Toilet of The Bridge of Lochay Hotel in Killin, Stirlingshire. I was not actually a guest in the hotel, merely visiting for a drink whilst out walking, but I was more than impressed by the establishment as a whole and particularly the extremely friendly young barmaid Maria's taste in and knowledge of single malt whiskies!

Click here to find out more about this hotel and one of the most beautiful parts of Scotland in general.

It has been around for centuries and can be seen daily upon streets the world over whenever the slightest spot of rain should fall. It is socially acceptable, considered normal by many, but has caused more pedestrian accidents than all other factors combined. What is it?

It is, of course...the umbrella! That fearsome weapon which, in the wrong hands, can blind, maim or kill. What is the curious power this talisman holds which instantly transforms a perfectly normal and sane person in to a baton- wielding, homicidal maniac, caring nought for whose eye they may poke out, whose path they may block, whose hat they may knock off or who they may actually barge straight in to? What, also, about all those would-be Mary Poppins's who struggle vainly with their grim devices in a Force Ten gale whilst convulsing in some ancient form of tribal dance? Does it have some form of hallucinogenic properties, the effects of which instantly dissipate the moment the rain stops?

It is perfectly correct of course that items such as guns, swords and knives are strictly prohibited in normal society these days and have largely been outlawed and eradicated from day to day social interaction. I therefore suggest and propose that the authorities turn their attentions for a time to this latest menace to the public at large. All coat and jacket manufacturers should be forced to include hoods on their products, plastic disposable hoods can be issued free of charge by local authorities to those considered "most at risk" and penalties such as public showerings can be imposed upon persistent offenders.

Only then may our streets be considered safe to walk on whenever a cloudburst threatens...

I happened to be walking through Central London early one morning last week when I witnessed an incident which I could scarcely believe. A young lady - wearing a device similar to the one pictured and no doubt listening to some of the latest computer generated trash which she and her generation incredibly call "music" - stepped straight off the kerb at a crossing (when the light was red) and virtually straight in to the path of a delivery van. The situation was not so severe that the driver did not have time to screech to a halt and avoid hitting her, but incredibly, as he did so he blasted his horn to advise her of his presence and she didn't even hear him! She didn't bat an eyelid!

Why is it that some people believe that by donning one of these devices they are automatically cocooned and protected from the world at large? It is bad enough when people start singing along, off-key and mixing up the words, but when they are distracted to the point of putting their own lives and those of others at risk, surely it is time to look at this menace to society as a whole and ban them from public highways?

The village of Killin at the Western edge of Loch Tay is serene, beautiful and very worthwhile seeing. A recent stroll along the shore of the loch, however, during our last weekend visit, led to our discovery of this unfortunate and dismal sight. As you will see from the photograph to the left, some extremely sad individual has at some stage built a fire right up against the trunk of this lovely old tree. Why?...How dearly I would love to know...

What is it compels these people to wantonly destroy nature's beauty? I am of course aware that there may have been some perfectly legitimate reason for building the fire...but why not do it a short but safe distance away???

We all know the routine and have received the standard training. When the fire alarm sounds, we are required to stop what we are doing and head for the nearest available exit, leaving all possessions behind. We are told that we must proceed in an orderly fashion to the nearest designated and available fire exit and congregate at a specific safe place. All fire training emphasises that we must walk and never run, so why do the signs pointing towards fire exits invariably show someone running?

Getting off a train one day last week, I felt the desire to grab a black coffee to sip along the way to my next destination. I therefore approached the nearest appropriate kiosk and ordered same, only to be baffled by the list of questions fired at me by the young man behind the counter. Did I want a latte, a capuccino, an Americano, or one of a whole host of other strange sounding concoctions I had never even heard of? No, thank you, I explained, I simply wanted a black coffee: no milk, no sugar, no anything else - just coffee. He favoured me with a look that appeared to question my sanity!

I am the first to admit that I am more than a little conservative in many ways but am I truly so far behind the times that I have missed the popular demise of simple, nothing added, straight as it comes, coffee...?

The modern world of business and commerce is becoming more intricate and complex with each day that passes. Why, many have been inclined to wonder? Today, I am delighted to be able to reveal to the world the principal reason for what has remained for some time this great enigma.

The simple fact is that - those few, outstanding entrepeneurs and magnates aside - there are quite simply too few within the entire, diverse sphere of industry who have the confidence or gumption to make a pivotal decision such as who should refill the coffee machine without holding a series of lengthy and irritating meetings upon the subject, each one pointless, each one causing maximum disruption to staff, customers and the day to day running of whatever the business in question may be as is at all possible. These meetings purport to be around the subjects of "sales targets," "growth and development," "staff training," or a whole host of other "business-ese" platitudes but the reality is that each of the above is but a euphimism for, "Let us make ourselves feel and appear as important as possible while wasting as much of the company's time as is possible."

Let us for a moment look at some of the hypothetical e-mails circulated around staff in a typical, Western office of today:

10.30am
"Guys -" (Note - Don't you just hate that word? In my eyes, a manager - or whomever it may be - who opens a communication in such a fashion is effectively saying, "I think so much of you that I want to stick you on top of a huge pile of wood and set fire to you come the 5th of November!")*

"The management is delighted to announce that, at this morning's 9am meeting, we successfully agreed that at this morning's 11am meeting to discuss the time and agenda for this afternoon's meeting, we shall have three coffees and two teas. Two of the coffees shall have milk (one with sugar) and the other black (no sugar), whilst one of the teas shall have milk (neither shall have sugar).

"I can also tell you - guys - that we have agreed that tomorrow morning at 9.30am (immediately following the morning meeting,) we shall have a meeting to discuss the long standing problem of the piece of dog faeces on the walkway by the southern facing side of the building. We shall look at and consider how we may have it safely relocated to a more convenient and environmentally friendly location, in order to improve the company's reputation in this field. We shall also arrange the time and date for the meeting where we shall discuss how we can improve upon facilities for our canine friends in the event of any such future emergencies.

"Our friend and colleague - Guy! - also brought it to the team's attention that we have yet to formally mandate as to when we shall hold the monthly meeting to summarise, discuss and debate the content of the previous month's meetings. It is my pleasure to inform you that a quorum agreed to hold said meeting in the third phase of the moon, except in February, when it shall be held upon the occasion of the fourth Thursday of the month. (I can assure you that a meeting shall be held very soon to debate and finalise Leap Year arrangements!)

"We have also agreed...blah-de-blah-de-blah...blah...blah!..."

(then, discreetly, in the bottom corner of page 37:)

"PS - We also agreed at the meeting to cut your lunch hours in half and make you work two hours later each evening."

Excuse me, I am now off to have a social interface with a piece of porcelain in a room of restricted dimensions...

*The 5th of November each year in Great Britain is "Guy Fawkes' Night," sometimes called, "Bonfire Night." It refers back to the occasion in 1605 when Guy Fawkes hatched the "Gunpowder Plot" to blow up the Houses of Parliament and kill King James I. A dummy - referred to as "The Guy" - is consequently placed on top of a bonfire and ceremoniously burned.

This e-book contains over 460 pages of side-splitting gags with which to impress your friends and acquaintances!

Do you need some fresh material?

There is much made in the press on occasion of the population explosions in various parts of the planet and how they present a threat to the future in so many different respects. But there is one such expansion that does not seem to be generating the publicity it should as its principals threaten to cover the surface of the planet from the Arctic to the Antarctic and from Russia to the USA. What am I talking about?

I am of course referring to those seemingly harmless little red and white devices that are traffic cones! Silently, stealthily, they have mass produced, blocking our roads, causing congestion, creating delays - and just as often as not, for no obvious or apparent reason! Faster than the rats in our sewers they have multiplied, leading to road rage among frustrated drivers and what should have been ten minute journeys taking upwards of two hours! These photos show what should be Edinburgh's busy Princes Street in the lead up to Christmas, coned off as far as the eye can see in both directions, with not a digger, pneumatic drill or even a council worker in sight!

What are the longer term plans of these devices and their allies and associates? Is it a cunning ploy to reduce traffic on our roads by forcing everyone to use the railways - or even to walk! - in order to speed up their journey? Perhaps it is the latest, revolutionary method for tackling speeding? Simply make sure no one can go any faster than a snail's pace and the problem is solved! Is that why we so often pass three miles of coned off highway containing no obstacles but one stationery digger, whose driver sits slumped in his chair with a sandwich in one hand and the morning newspaper in the other, clearly doing his utmost to earn his living?

It is time, therefore, to demand an explanation from these agitators and social misfits. What are their dark schemes? What are their ultimate goals? Who will be the benefactors of their obstructive and delaying tactics? All of these things we have to know...before our entire transport infrastructure grinds inexorably to a total halt.

This is a mystery upon which I have pondered long and hard without being able to come up with a satisfactory explanation. I learned some time ago that it is the policy of the bars in Glasgow Central and Edinburgh Waverley Railway Stations (and doubtless many beyond in the UK) that a printed receipt be issued to the customer with every transaction. Notices are prominently displayed stating that if a recipt is not handed to the customer with his/her change, if they point this out to the bar staff at the time, their purchase(s) will be free.

I am of course aware that there will be those customers (most commonly those travelling for business purposes) who do require evidence of their transaction but from experience, I have noted that the vast majority simply crumple said receipt and leave it lying on the bar for disposal. Fair enough, it may or may not be the case that the receipts are printed on recycled paper but this only excuses the practice to a certain extent. Surely it would be much simpler to merely enquire of each customer, "Would you like a receipt for that transaction?" I firmly believe that upwards of 99% will decline the offer and the accordant savings can perhaps be deducted from the prices of the drinks!!

I witnessed this afternoon, in Edinburgh's Princes Street Gardens, a quite remarkable exchange between a young couple (early twenties, perhaps?) that seriously got me wondering as to what future their relationship has, when it clearly doesn't have a present! Along with a number of fellow onlookers, I was astounded to hear what the young man said to the young lady, extremely loudly and publicly. I will include a translation at the end...

The young man was some way ahead of what I presume was his girlfriend when he turned back and stormed angrily towards her.

"Ah always kent that ye didnae hae a brain; I didnae ken that ye didnae ken English! When ah say, "C'mere," I mean, "C'mere now!"

(Translation: "I always knew that you didn't have a brain; I didn't know that you didn't understand English! When I say, "Come here," I mean, "Come here, now!")

Perhaps I should adopt this attitude, dripping with testosterone, in my own relationship?

Or then again, perhaps not...

This at first glance appears to be an incredibly simple mechanism, whereby one simply presses the button when wishes to cross the road and the traffic signalling system will ultimately change in one's favour...Clearly not so!!!

It has come to my attention, through observation, that these devices actually detect one's close proximity and will cause the lights to change some time before Hell freezes over! At least, that is what my observations tell me. In several countries and on numerous occasions, I have approached a pelican crossing such as this to find a great many people waiting to cross but only to discover that not one of them has actually pressed the button to request a signal change. Do they all just assume someone else has done it? The latest example I had of this was on Edinburgh's Princes Street, where - and I am not exaggerating! - I found at least forty people waiting to cross, yet not one of them had taken the simple step of pressing the button.

Perhaps some day, I will stand close by and observe this strange behaviour with a video camera to hand. Lemmings, for some reason, spring to mind...

How often do you look at a road sign or billboard, read a set of instructions, or consider the wording of an advertising campaign and think to yourself, "What, exactly, does that mean?"

Let us consider some examples:

Self Basting Turkeys

Perhaps you will have seen frozen turkeys so labelled in your local supermarket? Perhaps, even, you will be able to relate to the image this conjures up in my head?

I cannot help - on each occasion I see what are obviously these extremely resourceful, dead, frozen and gutted birds - getting a mental impression of this roasting carcass with a loofah in one hand and perhaps some form of squeezy bottle in the other, squirting its own juices along its breast and its drumsticks, before tenderly massaging them in to its flesh. It truly is a remarkable feat, don't you think?

Perhaps the creators of this phenomenon would in future be so kind as to invent some self-washing dishes...?

The concept that is known as political correctness has of course been weaving its evil web across and stifling and imprisoning freedom of speech for many years now but just when I think I have heard it all, just when I think that politicians cannot possibly get any more petty or stupid, one of them pops up and flaps about like a jack in the box to prove me wrong.

I am writing this article on Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008. The Scottish Press and TV News the past couple of days has been awash with the story of how a Scottish National Party member of the Scottish Parliament has branded the children's party song, The Hokey Cokey, anti-Catholic and called for it to be banned!! You probably think that I am joking and I don't blame you - but sadly, I most definitely am not... -- Gordon Hamilton

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Plagiarism is the unauthorized use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one's own original work ... it is just NOT cool so don't do it!