New Jersey: The Worst State Ever

Ask anyone elsewhere in the United States about the culture of New Jersey. They'll probably mention common stereotypes like the Mafia, crime rate, pollution, political corruption, rude people and how dirty the state is, overall. While all of these things are true, there are many distinct qualities that the state has:

Chief Exports of New Jersey
Some of the exports that New Jersey is famous for are tomatoes, cranberries, Dunkin Donuts coffee, lumber, prostitutes, pharmaceuticals, chemicals and paper products. New Jersey was also notable for exporting a large portion of its garbage to Staten Island, which is located right off of Exit 13 on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Social Structure
In New Jersey, the middle class no longer exists, but has been replaced by the lower-middle class, followed by the poor. The upper class makes up a majority of the northeastern corner of the state, of whom consists of nepotists, crooks, and mafia. The basic social structure of New Jersey relies heavily on the work of the lower-middle class, whose tax money pays for much needed expenditures including highway renovation, daily limousine service for state officials, and lobby money for the pre-determined state elections.

Industry in New Jersey
The northern tip of New Jersey is famous for its bustling pharmaceutical industry, including giants like Merck and Pfizer who produce live-saving medications like Fosamax, Aromasin and Viagra. These industries also work alongside the government using billions of dollars of privately-raised donation money to prevent the release of a cure for cancer. Other notable industries in New Jersey include the construction industry, agriculture and mafia.

Sociology
New Jerseyans are amongst the toughest people in the United States, along with New Yorkers. They work to live and live to work, and juggle enormous career-related, interpersonal and family-related issues at monumental levels that would otherwise cause a stroke in any other American. Since nobody in New Jersey helps each other without the interaction ending in a sneak attack, mugging or some other malicious or underhanded act, it's not uncommon for a New Jerseyan to walk by and ignore you, as you ask for help or directions. They have already stereotyped you as a potential "hustler" or schemer of some alternate purpose.

It's a fact that pumping gas in the State of New Jersey is against the law, but no residents know why this is so. Many have speculated that this law was enacted because most New Jerseyans would be inclined to steal gas and drive away without paying (due to the fact that $20 is considered a huge amount of money to the lower-middle class), but that is simply hearsay.

Common interests shared by New Jerseyans include visiting New York City, going to Italian restaurants, home improvement, wine tasting, sharing hatred for Boston and Philadelphia, going to the Jersey Shore, Six Flags Great Adventure, complaining, baseball, getting divorces, and visiting state parks.

New Jerseyans are known for their bad attitudes, hot-headed tenancies and for being sore losers. This especially comes into play during sports playoff games, any competitive board or video game, or even a simple argumentative conversation. The reason why is because New Jerseyans naturally know everything, and can't deal with those who don't. They also are more successful and make more money than you, and deserve respect for these attributes.

Ethnic Background
New Jersey is a diverse state with an estimated 79% White, 15% Black, 6% Asian and 0.02% American Indian population. New Jersey is usually associated with Italian Americans, of which make up a majority of the northeastern corner of the state. This was a hot spot for immigration during the World War II era. These immigrants were responsible for building up the local area with hard work, and have since then fled to more advantageous places like North Carolina and Florida during the state's past 60 years of deterioration. Today, Italian pride has a common presence amongst much of northern New Jersey, especially amongst Italian-Americans who can't speak Italian.

Religion
The majority of New Jerseyans are Catholic at 37%, but only 0.09% of that figure actually attend church or practice the religion in any way. Believe it or not, the second largest group are Atheists at 15%, 100% of whom practice their religion. Baptists and Methodists make up the next two major religions, with Muslims coming in at #15 on the list. Since most New Jerseyans work 7 days a week, they don't have time to attend religious services. Ironically, all places of worship are all built at the scale size of a regulation football field, and are unable to afford their own maintenance costs.

Media
Most of the state (particularly the northern end) is constantly tortured by the local media with threats of newly uncovered terror plots, subway plots, bomb scares and other 9/11-induced paranoia; even some 8 years after the event took place. These practices are necessary components that keep both the psychology and pharmaceutical markets in strong financial health.

Politics
No other state harbors more citizens with governmental distrust than New Jersey. That's because the state has run itself into the ground with years of political corruption, mis-management, tax and spend programs, and special interest money-wasting that continues as the debt counter keeps rising. New Jersey is a traditionally blue state (not just in terms of depression, but also that of the Democratic party).

While it's true that around 79% of New Jersey residents are somehow connected to the Mafia, the local government's administration is fair and impartial to fellow family members, political lobbyists and old high school buddies. New Jersey is a hard working state, where its people work diligently so that they can afford luxuries like electricity or annual dental visits.

Nature
New Jersey is not the place to be if you're a nature fan, unless you plan to travel to the northwestern corner of the state. Most of the state's trees are located on the western end. The northeastern region does have a few trees and some grass, albeit very sparse. In order to appease nature fans, the state started to implement cell phone towers that look something like trees, but this only fooled 1 out of 5 New Jerseyans.

If you live in New Jersey, there's no doubt that you've heard older people mention how the same road work that's been going on since the 1960s is still going on today. That's because this state wastes an infinite amount of tax money on roadwork, and it never ends. To add insult to injury, you'll see those "Your tax dollars at work" signs on every major highway, which is also where you'll see the same lane closed off by orange cones and flashing construction signs.

The Disgraced Roadways of New Jersey
The biggest problem about New Jersey roadways is that they were designed for life in the earlier half of the 20th century, and are now forced to accommodate today's overblown population which never seems to stop ballooning out of control. So, you'll see major highways with only two lanes, illogical routes, detours due to flooding, roadwork and infrastructure issues and just about everything else.

In fact, it's not uncommon for a 5-mile commute to take up to an hour (That's if you're lucky - just hope there's not an accident or that commuting time will easily double). This is just a normal way of life that most people here grow accustomed to. The other problem is that there are never any plans to actually expand the highways to the width of those seen in cities like Los Angeles or Atlanta; so, we'll just polish a turd and slap some more asphalt on an already crappy highway that desperately needs two more lanes. Rinse and repeat this process a few times a year, and you've got New Jersey progress.

NJ: Record Holder in Most Auto Accidents Ever
You'll pass at least 5 accidents on your way to any short-distance trip. It's no wonder that New Jersey has the highest auto insurance rate in the United States. It was so bad, that in the early 2000s, insurance companies started to leave New Jersey because they simply couldn't afford to do business here.

A good rule of thumb is that you'll get into at least one automotive accident per year, and most of them are due to getting hit from behind. Why? It's all because of driving culture. New Jerseyans aren't the worst drivers in the world, they just have adapted to their environment. They tailgate often because a lack of doing so will mean that someone to your right will unexpectedly cut you off with no turn signal.

In regard to speeding: New Jersey roads and highways have unrealistic speed limits, typically 50 MPH on a major highway, making 65 MPH be considered "speeding." This is of course a big conspiracy to harvest more speeding tickets for more state revenue. When you think about how lateness is not tolerated whatsoever in NJ business culture, and the fact that your morning commute will take a minimum of 45 minutes regardless of how close it is, and you'll start to see the bigger picture.

To Serve and Protect and Get New Uniforms
The icing on the cake is how aggressive the police are in this state with setting up radar traps, which in my opinion, serves the purpose of busting the lower-middle class working public (of whom is already flat broke & miserable) on their way to work while they are already struggling to get there on time, doing their best to get through the obscene traffic, 6" deep potholes and lanes closed due to motor vehicle accidents. Radar zones are strategically placed in city-block length sections of highway that shift from a 65 MPH zone, to a 50 MPH zone, and back to a 65 MPH zone.

New Jersey is an awkward state because it's the first state in a whole northeastern regional cluster that isn't considered to be a part of New England, yet it has the same climate. Summers go by in a flash here. You'll start to feel summer's beginnings in late June, and it ends very abruptly in late August, giving you exactly two months to enjoy the only good weather you'll have all year. 85 degrees is considered "really hot" here, and it's rare to hit the 90s or above, you'll only get a handful of those days throughout the whole summer.

The Shore: It's Our California
The only enjoyment people from New Jersey have during this time is going to the Jersey Shore, a place that takes an obscene amount of time to get to if you're from the north or western part of the state. It's so overcrowded at the shore that you'll probably spend an hour looking for a parking spot, no matter where you go. New Jersey, after all, is a place where most of its residents stay local.

I've lived here for over 30 years and have come to the conclusion that Spring literally doesn't exist in New Jersey. There's simply a period of limbo between winter and summer that kind of feels like fall, except with a drastically higher pollen count.

Winter in New Jersey
On to the fun part: winter. New Jersey winters "start" around late October (when I say "start," I mean "you start freezing your ass off" at this time) and last all the way until late March. That's about a half-year of winter. Now, I know what everyone in the northern American states and Canada are thinking... "stop complaining about the cold, we have it worse." While that may be true, you have to remember that we have no property here, hence, no place to move the snow to. Once you get a few 2 or 2.5-foot snowstorms, you literally run out of places to put it.

You know something's up when Forbes ranks New Jersey locations THREE TIMES in a list of America's most expensive places to live, including New York City, which quite frankly includes all of Bergen County NJ in my opinion. In fact, Bergen/Passiac makes this list every year.

New Jersey real estate varies depending on where in the state you're from (I'll talk about the stereotypes of each region of NJ later on, on this page). Basically, northeastern New Jersey is so overblown in price and property tax that it never ceases to bring out the most expressive reactions in those who re-locate here. Since misery loves company, New Jerseyans like to brag about how much we pay to live here, yet we never do anything about leaving the state (see my section on "complacency" below).

Want to Live Where the Jobs Are, Huh?
Here's the general breakdown: New Jersey metro-area homes retain their value at an inexplicable rate. You'll be hard pressed to find a house that's worth living in that won't cost a minimum of around $600,000 in Bergen County, and it will be built in the 1930s with no central air, iron radiators and copper pipes sticking out of the basement ceiling.

If you dare to venture below this price, you're probably buying something that secretly has water damage, mold, is horribly neglected, or has some other hidden surprise. If you live on a property that's larger than 100 feet by 60 feet, it's considered "huge." Don't even think of buying a new construction home in these areas unless you're willing to spend at least $850,000-$1,100,000, and taxes in the ballpark of $15,000-$20,000. As an added bonus, you get to live about 20 feet from your neighbors on both sides and in the back.

Other counties like Passaic and Morris have the same problem, minus the property issue - you'll actually find houses with a front and backyard there. Nobody really knows what exists to the west of Morris county, as nobody in New Jersey knows anyone who lives there, not counting squirrels and black bears.

Catch-22
The further south you go in New Jersey, the lower the cost of living and taxes typically are. However, as with everything in the state: there's a catch. A good rule of thumb is that any place in New Jersey that's affordable is either an extremely dangerous area, or is in the middle of nowhere with no civilization or places of employment.

Delusions of Grandeur
When looking to buy real estate in New Jersey, remember this simple fact: nobody negotiates. If you live in NJ or plan to, don't watch HGTV because it does not apply to New Jersey. If you even attempt to take 5% off of a seller's price and offer it, they will be extremely insulted. This is due to a common psychological side effect where New Jerseyans believe their homes are worth much more than they really are, just because it's in New Jersey, and they'll instinctively set the price over $50,000 higher than its fair market value. In conclusion, you'll have to offer the asking price if you want to actually buy a home you're interested in. Otherwise, someone richer than you will beat you to it.

New Jersey is practically separated into "three parts," which its denizens know as "north," "central" and "south" NJ. Each of these three sections are so entirely different that they deserve their own explanations.

North New Jersey
Northern New Jersey is pretty much where most of the news, hype and stereotypes come from, due to the next-door proximity of New York City. All of northeastern New Jersey is considered to be the New York Metropolitan Area (NYC metro). Here, you'll enjoy high tax, high cost of everything, heavy traffic, horrible working conditions, bad attitudes and general hatred amongst neighbors. There are shopping malls, though. The western part of northern New Jersey is widely referred to as "the sticks" by the eastern half of the state.

Central New Jersey
Central New Jersey has a bad rap. It's mostly industrial and oppressed. Drive south past exit 14 on the NJ Turnpike or near the Pulaski Skyway, and you'll start to see a yellowish hue in the sky -- that's where central Jersey starts. The only highlights around here are Newark and Jersey City, which are probably the only areas known to non-New Jersey residents, and that's quite a stretch saying that they're "highlights." Housing is cheaper here, but then again - traffic is worse, and crime is significantly worse. There also isn't much to do in central Jersey. A well-known landmark are the "Grease Trucks" of New Brunswick, NJ where one can buy a cheese steak put into a roll along with mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers and mayo. Other popular activities include hanging around in Dunkin Donuts parking lots, looking at each other's pimped-out Accura Integras and drinking alcohol in brown paper bags.

South New Jersey
Southern Jersey's only redeeming value is Atlantic City and Ocean City. They have that old, rustic Jersey shore-ish look and feel to them, which get old after a few hours of visiting. Southern Jersey is extremely oppressed due to the poor job market. Housing is laughably cheap in the eyes of a northern Jersey resident, but we never really keep in mind how low the salaries are down there, or how few jobs or even businesses even exist in the region. Southwestern New Jersey is basically thought of as the Philly metro area, it's where the rest of New Jersey focuses their hatred toward Philadelphia sports fans who reside within NJ state. The south-most central and western regions of New Jersey are an entirely different world in an of themselves, and it would shock any New Jerseyan to know that the people there have heavy southern accents.

Talk to anyone from New Jersey, and they will either know of, be related to, or aspire to move to either North Carolina or Florida. In fact, it's well known that if you grew up and still live in New Jersey, the chances that you'll be moving to either of these two states at some point in your life are extraordinarily high, whether you believe it or not.

The reasoning behind this is because these two states already have a majority of "northerner" transplants, and are have ridiculously low costs of living and nice climates: things that New Jerseyans have never had in their lives. This is why half of the cars driving around in New Jersey have Florida and North Carolina license plates - they're just previous residents who came back up here to visit whatever family still lives in New Jersey.

Stragglers
New Jersey residents who don't move to North Carolina or Florida usually enter a psychological phase of denial, such as "who wants to move there, bunch of hicks..." or "I hear the hurricane insurance is too expensive, I'm fine here" while deciding on what they should pay off first: their 90-year mortgage bill or the remaining payment on their ATV. This is, of course, a mixed feeling of resentment and jealousy of NC and FL residents and their low cost of living, happiness, and sunny weather.

Coming Soon: Atlanta GA
The newer state that is entering this sociosphere is Georgia. While Atlanta is already three-quarters taken over by "Yankees," more are starting to see the benefit of the state's low cost of living and housing, nice weather and lax business mentality. Brand new houses that don't cost $900,000 will trigger a frenzy in the mind of a New Jersey native, resulting in them buying up Georgia property like a bad Monopoly player landing on Baltic Avenue.

Georgia was previously discounted due to extreme stereotypes of southerners and fear of a culture-clash between urban New Jerseyans living in a "Dukes of Hazzard" or "Deliverance" atmosphere, but many have overcome this in recent years, making Georgia a great prospect for aspiring NJ re-locators. In fact, 1 out of 4 New Jerseyans have stopped associating Georgia with other states like Alabama and Texas.

The most coveted franchise establishment in New Jersey is Dunkin Donuts, where an estimated 98.7% of New Jersey residents go every morning before work, making it the most lucrative business in the state.

Due to a state of emergency declared by the governor, more Dunkin Donuts franchises were needed, and a bill was passed that ensures a Dunkin Donuts must exist every 80 yards in every municipality of New Jersey to keep up with demand.

Most New Jerseyans will agree that "Starbucks sucks" and "Dunkin Donuts is freakin' awesome, better than McDonalds coffee." The pre-requisite of opening a Dunkin Donuts franchise is that you must have a net worth requirement of $1.5 million. This is no problem, since over 70% of New Jersey residents (who aren't you) are millionaires already, making this both an impulse buy and an obviously worthy investment.

Since New Jersey is so overwhelmed with crime, you're hard-pressed to find any places that are open after 11:00 PM, especially places where you can get something to eat. That's why White Castle is so popular in NJ; not only because this franchise is exclusive to only a handful of states in the USA that include NJ, but because it's quite possibly the only place that is open 24 hours. It's also popular because it's so cheap, costing a small fraction of a McDonalds regular cheeseburger - this is important because lower-middle class New Jerseyans are poor, and often skip lunch and dinner due to the rising cost of food and the lack of any cost-of-living adjustment by their employers.

Why White Castle?
When New Jerseyans are drunk or high (or both), which most of them are, they'll need to fill their stomach with something else before it inverts on itself. That's where White Castle (also known as "Whiteys") comes in. Due to high crime, White Castles that have experienced a certain quota of robberies will qualify to have their choice of round-the-clock police security, or a bulletproof cashier enclosure.

White Castle hamburgers are about the size of the palm of your hand, made of pure USDA-certified beef (Ukranian Socialist Department of Agriculture). They are commonly called "Greaseballs" or "Murder Burgers" by the locals.

And You Like This, Why?
It's a well known fact that you'll hate White Castle the first time you try it, as well as the second time, but the third time is always the charm. Once you get past the unfamiliar sogginess of its spongy bread, and the bizarre texture of the meat, you'll be hooked. Health enthusiasts can simply ring out the bread to expel the grease; lowering a single burger's calories from 3,500 to around 2,700. The bread can also be used to clean kitchen countertops.

New Jerseyans like to point out that White Castle was mentioned in the Beastie Boys song, "Slow and Low." The line is "White Castle fries only come in one size." If a New Jerseyan is present during that song, they'll point at the radio a few seconds before those lyrics are spoken and tell you to "wait," and then say "White Castle!! We have those in New Jersey."

Following up on previous accounts of how there is nothing to do in New Jersey, one of the most attractive alternatives are going to malls. New Jersey has a plethora of malls to choose from; the most popular being the Garden State Plaza in Paramus, Paramus Park Mall in Paramus, Willowbrook Mall in Wayne, Menlo Park Mall in Edison, Newport Mall in Jersey City, Monmouth Mall in Eatontown, and Short Hills Mall in Short Hills.

The Garden State Plaza is arguably the most famous of them all. Regardless of what day it is, every single parking space in all surrounding parking lots and decks are taken. With luck, spaces can be found within a 100 to 150 yard distance from any of the mall's 4 main entrances.

Let's Get Illogical
In Bergen County NJ, where most of these malls are located, there is a "Blue Sky Law" in effect which makes it illegal to operate any business on a Sunday. As a result, all of these malls are closed on Sundays. It was a law that was stuck into a ballot during elections sometime in the 1980s, and according to my father, "worded in such a way where pressing "no" meant "yes", and "those bastards did it on purpose to screw us."

The Blue Sky Law has been complained about for decades amongst New Jersey residents who evidently were all tricked into pressing "no" (which means yes) and suffering the consequences of not being able to do anything whatsoever on Sundays for the rest of their lives. Speculation states that this law was meant to alleviate the out-of-control traffic in New Jersey on weekends; however, the true reason for the law is most likely something that pertains to a conspiracy by the local government to make more money somehow, as it wound up quintupling traffic on Saturdays.

New Jersey Mall Culture
Malls are traditionally known as community gatherings where the lower-middle class can browse items that they'll never buy (since internet stores charge much lower prices), and walk around aimlessly with no idea of where they are. Men of all ages are typically seen admiring young girls "dressed like sluts," most of which are probably under age. An important cultural aspect of New Jersey malls is to walk around in "packs" like wolves, staying only in the center of the concourse and walking at a very slow pace while stopping abruptly on occasion.

New Jersey is known as the worst place to work in the United States: this is due to a culture of nepotism and severe corruption which has remained strong for years; starting within the state government and trickling down into the smallest privately-owned businesses.

Traditional business practice in New Jersey dictates that the most productive employees are naturally your relatives and old high school buddies, all of which should be promoted to at least managerial level positions (if not upper management), regardless of talent, experience, interpersonal skills or educational level. This is the entrepreneurial spirit and managerial prowess that has sustained the lucrative cocaine, divorce law and bankruptcy markets within the state.

Your Punishment for Procreation
Another main factor is that New Jersey is severely overpopulated, and the number of applicants vastly exceeds the number of available jobs. In order to reciprocate, the job market in the state has evolved to drastically reduce salaries while excessively increasing the workload that is expected of each applicant.

"Well, At Least Be Thankful You're Not Unemployed, Right?"
In New Jersey, there is a "no excuses" culture when it comes to lateness. In addition, there's no such thing as a delayed opening or day off during a snow day, no matter how bad it may be. Risks of highway accidents due to snow or ice storms are of no concern to employers. This practice was given a blessing by the state government, as the tax dollars generated by not closing businesses pay for important expenses like solar-powered radar guns and state government holiday parties.

Other country-wide employee rewards such as "Summer Fridays" do not exist in New Jersey due to the state's level of near-bankruptcy, and its dependence on the lower-middle class to provide more tax income that pays for state slush funds, overblown government employee perks, and costly mafia racketeering fees.

New Jersey workers' salaries are dangerously low in comparison to the cost of living (but only for the lower-middle class). For instance, a family with a household income of $100,000 elsewhere in the USA pays $150,000 for a 2-family home with $2,000 in annual property tax, whereas a family that also has a household income of $100,000 in New Jersey pays $600,000 for a 2-family home with $10,000 in annual property tax, taking literally four times as long to pay off their mortgage. Attractive loopholes to this predicament include dying at some point during the mortgage payment cycle.

Masters Degrees in NJ
In New Jersey, approximately 98% of the workforce possesses a Master's degree, de-valuing the entire northeast job market's opinion of graduate degrees in general; rendering them "commonplace," and of practically no value. Therefore, popular alternatives include getting a second Master's degree and a third job to pay off its tuition, or moving to North Carolina or Florida.

Where There's No T, E, A or M In "Team"
As previously stated about the general culture of distrust in New Jersey, the same applies to the office world. All offices are populated with cutthroats, and the only way to make up for the inevitable glass ceiling is to attempt to backstab your fellow employees in hopes that your aggressiveness will get you ahead in your own personal career, or that their job will be eliminated altogether. Other tactics include manipulating fellow employees into talking bad about the company while "off-the-record," and using this feedback to stool pigeon your way to victory.

Midnight Oil
An unwritten rule in New Jersey offices is that "there is no 5:00," as employees are expected to "see who stays the longest" (friends and family members of upper management are exempt from this rule). This traditional practice was mainly created by office workers who hate their spouse and family life, and therefore wish to delay seeing them for as long as possible. It has mushroomed into a practice where those who do not share that lifestyle must also participate, or appear as if they are "slacking off." This has, in turn, set the end of the workday to approximately 6:15 PM.

It's All About Priorities
Due to the funding required to 1) employ family members and friends who serve no job function, 2) pay for projects that most likely will result in failure, 3) afford today's astronomical cost of cocaine and 4) the expenses incurred in ensuring a healthy end-of-year bonus for upper management, it has become nearly impossible for any business in New Jersey to afford giving employees a raise. Standard procedures include the distribution of $20 Best Buy gift cards, or references to the "tragic events of 9/11" which have once again made the company's sales suffer.

Sports is amongst the most important values in the state of New Jersey, followed by work, and then family. The utmost importance is put into raising taxes to maintain local high school football fields, in an attempt to outdo those of neighboring towns. Soccer, while the most unpopular sport in America, continues to be the focus of existence in New Jersey, as it takes precedence over academics and is widely popular amongst the illegal immigrant community.

Hitting Balls with Sticks
Baseball is another topic of passion. Little league baseball brings out the worst in grown men, as they live vicariously through their children, and are more than willing to fist-fight a clear path to their desired end result. In northern and central New Jersey, the New York Yankees have attained god-like status, and the interchanged "NY" symbol is just as representative of this region as it is of the 5-boroughs of New York. There's speculation that nobody in New Jersey is truly a Yankee fan, but rather wants the team to succeed as a way to see Boston and Philadelphia fans get upset. Local heroes include "The Bambino," Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio and pre-2007 Joe Torre.

New Jersey arguably suffered the biggest disgraces in the realm of local sports. The New Jersey Nets NBA team was moved from East Rutherford, NJ to Brooklyn, NY, and was still named the "New Jersey Nets," then eventually moved back. Meanwhile, the massive crowd of football fans in New Jersey can choose between the New York Giants and New York Jets, both of which play in New Jersey, and neither of which are New Jersey teams themselves. In 2007, the New Jersey Devils hockey team whose fan base is located throughout northern New Jersey was moved from their since-1982 Meadowlands residence into "the most inconvenient place to drive to and park in," located 40-60 minutes south in Newark. This move was performed to allegedly make things easier on all six Devils fans who live south of Essex County, but we all know that it was really a political favor fueled by the need to make more money from corporate sponsorships.

Hating Thy Neighbor
Hatred is another celebrated past-time in New Jersey, which applies to sports as well. All Yankee fans hate Boston Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies fans, all Jets fans hate Giants and Eagles fans, and all Devils fans automatically hate New York Rangers and Philadelphia Flyers fans (but ironically, not Bruins fans - the reason behind this bizarre absence is currently unknown). Inter-area hatred does not exist toward New York Mets or New York Islanders fans, as the rest of the fan community generally brushes off these teams and their supporters. All other teams who visit local New Jersey-based arenas will receive hatred as well, regardless of if they have a certified "rivalry" with the state.

Keep in mind that there is nothing to do in New Jersey, and the only enjoyment its residents have in life are things like football, drinking, fighting, and buying over-priced sports memorabilia.

On May 25, 2010, NYC-area primetime news stations announced the happy news that the next Superbowl is coming to NY! East Rutherford, NY to be specific. New Jersey is so utterly neglected by NY that they have somehow burgled East Rutherford away from the state, because NJ finally had something giving it an ounce of worth: the Superbowl.

Defending the Right to "Represent"
New Jersey denizens were immediately outraged at New York's audacity. Immediately, a Facebook hatred page for the occurrence got started up by a band of pitchfork-wielding New Jerseyans, spouting questions like "Yo, I thought East Rutherford was Jersey, whudduh fuchk?!" and "those dirty bastards have the Statue, now they got our stadium?"

For years, angry New Jerseyans (the word "angry" is only used as an adjective to outsiders, as it is already assumed within the northeast) have snarled over airplane pilots' announcement of "Welcome to New York" upon landing at Newark Airport, but this has truly stepped over the line. They now have a lot of work to do in preparation of their beloved New Jersey Giants and New York Jets playing at the biggest national sporting event, in what used to be their home territory. In order to prepare for the happy occasion, New Jersey's own website threw some gas on its citizens by asking a loaded question whose answer is a blatantly obvious "YES * infinity." New York 1, New Jersey 0.

Much like how a dog will sniff another dog's ass, New Jersey residents will almost immediately ask each other "what exit are you?" upon first meeting. In other words, it's a reference to either the Garden State Parkway (with exits 1-172), or to a lesser extent, the New Jersey Turnpike (with exits 1-18); both of which run the full length of the state and have numerous exits to all of its main points.

Why NJ Needs the Number System
New Jersey has an estimated 156,768,320 towns, and only about 1.5% of them are universally known to the entire population of New Jersey. Therefore, the state created these two highways and designated numbers so that people could easily say "I'm exit 168", and "cool! I'm 143." This can sometimes lead to stereotypes and racism (both of which are popular in New Jersey). For instance: "Son, how did your date go?" "Great!" "What exit is she from?" "137..." "You will NOT see her ever again, do you understand me?!"

This system become a mute point for western Jersey, which is too far away to associate themselves with the number system. Therefore, all of western Jersey isn't paid attention to by the remainder of the state.

New York attempts to separate itself from New Jersey by making fun of it, when it's a well known fact that northern New Jersey is simply an extension of New York City - don't let the Hudson River's division between both regions fool you.

New Jerseyans like to mention that we have more living space than they do, and how it's "cheaper" to live here, and New Yorkers complain about New Jersey's filthiness and bad drivers. Yet, over 95% of all cars seen in New Jersey on weekends have New York license plates, since gas costs less here. New Yorkers also enjoy the 3% sales tax in our poor areas (which is most of the state). Due to years of this sort of treatment, New York has always been New Jersey's "big brother," giving it ridicule.

The 9/11 Years
From the time period between September 11, 2001 to around March 2002, the residents of New York and New Jersey were unified. American flags were proudly hung in cars, and everyone got along. After a certain amount of time passed, they went back to complaining, road rage, and hating Boston and Philadelphia.

New Jerseyans hate the fact that New York City gets so much attention when it's less than a handful of minutes from New Jersey. 8 out of 10 New Jerseyans would like to point out that every time you watch a movie that features a view of the NYC skyline, that "they're actually filming that from ova here in Jersey, you know."

New Jersey really doesn't have any notable landmarks that are universally-known around the world. Perhaps one of the biggest flubs ever is the fact that the Statue of Liberty isn't considered to be in New Jersey, even though it's closer to New Jersey than it is to New York.

This was deliberately done in spite by the state of New York, because New York traditionally detests New Jersey and claims it to be their "armpit," and subsequently, inferior and not deserving of any monuments. To know that the Statue of Liberty is associated with New York is an atrocity in the eyes of any New Jerseyan. To this day, it's common to see the Statue of Liberty pictured on the cover of New Jersey state maps.

The next time you see a New Jerseyan, please give them support by asking now their New Jersey Giants are doing this season, or that you still haven't gone to Jersey yet to see the Statue of Liberty, but plan to go soon. After all, they've got nothing, and weren't even worthy enough to at least have one monument from a city that already has over 15,647 monuments.

Here in New Jersey, we pride ourselves in bragging about our enormous crime rate, because it makes us look tough and cool. Most people associate "New Jersey" with "crime," and they're right in doing so.

If you're not in an area where there are shootings, muggings and stabbings, then you're probably just in an area where your car will get vandalized or your home will get broken into.

Whether you're a pothead, or just looking for some cocaine (aka, the "rich man's drug"), it's readily accessible no matter where in the state you are. Hell, there are some places where you can find a hooker in the local newspaper, like in Atlantic City.

For the best crime experiences, be sure to visit Paterson, Camden, Atlantic City, Jersey City, Elizabeth, Newark, East Orange, Salem and Union City. For examples of white-collar crime, visit any governmental institution or corporate headquarters in the state.

There are only two reasons why anyone would visit New Jersey: 1) to show up for a court hearing, or 2) to visit the Jersey shore. The bottom 3/4ths of New Jersey state's coastline is its own other world. Jersey shore residents typically hate other New Jerseyans; especially those from northern NJ, referring them to them as "bennies," while ridiculing them for invading the Garden State Parkway throughout the summer as they travel in droves to the shore. In turn, Northern Jersey residents refer to Jersey shore residents as "a bunch of assholes."

The Jersey shore is a bustling place in the summer. After paying a fee to get onto the beach, you'll have to walk around a maze of morbidly obese people with excessive body hair (both men and women) in bathing suits until you find an empty spot to put your towel. The sounds of laughing gulls, screaming children and bad 80s music being played on speakerphones are amongst the trademark ambiance of the beach.

The Freaks Come Out At Night
The Jersey shore is well known for its nightlife; particularly in Belmar and Seaside (also known as "Sleazeside"). Shore bars including DJai's and Surf Club are especially popular. After a two hour wait on line and a $20 door charge, you'll be greeted by a tightly packed sardine can of sweaty, shirtless human beings on drugs (the drugs of choice are cocaine or a mix of ecstasy and Viagra, a.k.a. "Blue Steel"). Other venues including Jenkinson's (or "Jenks") and Tiki Bar are especially popular with the 45-and-up divorcee crowd.

Jersey Shore Culture
The vast majority of the men are on steroids. Being on steroids, also called "juicing," is necessary to gain the respect and attention of Jersey shore girls, as is having a father who owns a construction company, and having excessive tattoos of Japanese symbols. Juicing always leads to a condition called "roid rage," which is a chemical reaction in the human brain that triggers moments of extreme physical violence. Due to this widespread condition throughout Jersey shore clubs, the local police and EMS services are amongst the busiest in the nation.

The Jersey shore has a large Italian-American population of which argues who is "more Italian" than the other. This subculture is known as "guidos" (also known as "fist-pumpers"): a world famous New Jersey stereotype of people whose Italian ancestry goes far back, yet, they claim Italian heritage, wear excessive gold jewelry, have "anime" fashioned spiky hair, and frequently use products like Axe Body Spray and Brazilian Bronze spray tan. "Collar-popping" is another famous trait of guidos, which involves raising the collar on any button-down or polo shirt, the same fashion made famous by "The Fonz" from Happy Days. Local festivities include clubbing, genital herpes, cursing, surfing, weightlifting, fighting, drinking and volleyball.

I'm not sure what's funnier - the fact that the MTV show "The Jersey Shore" came out after this very page was created, or how it has put New Jersey on the world-wide map for its complete idiocy.

As for me, I don't really give much of a crap about reality TV. I watched The Jersey Shore for the first time in the late summer of 2010. So, when people from elsewhere in the US or in Canada ask, "is it really like that in New Jersey??" I can confidently say "to a T."

Many note that the show is "fixed" because "most of the cast is from NY," but what difference does it make? The whole culture in the northeastern end of the state is like one big radius that extends as far as eastern Long Island, reaching west toward Wayne NJ.

Highlights of the show depict real life situations in Seaside (a.k.a. "Sleazeside") New Jersey, as the cast works, lives and sleeps together. NJ locals love the occasional shots of boardwalk cameos, as it helps them reminisce about their first punch in the face or where they bought that unknowingly formaldehyde-laced joint.

If there's one thing New Jersey loves, it's the Mafia. Why? They clear the streets of any "riff-raff," control most of the state's import and export, facilitate deals with the state government, and most importantly, look really cool while doing it. Therefore, it only made sense to feed the mania by making a television show called "The Sopranos" that accurately portrayed New Jersey's Italian-American stereotypes and all of the behind-the-scene accurate representations of what goes on in New Jersey, that's always hidden by the press. People from New Jersey love to "represent," and that's what this show did for us.

One of my favorite things about the Sopranos is that every character on that show looks almost exactly like someone I know in real life here in Jersey. The accents and butchering of the Italian language were perfectly rendered to-scale. It's important to note that this show is representative of northern and eastern/central New Jersey, where mafia activity is high (Mafia can be spotted whenever you see a brand new Ferrari Enzo driving by, since not even the upper-class New Jerseyan would ever spend $650,000 on a sports car due to the high tax, insurance and cost of living in the state).

The Sopranos helped New Jersey by letting the rest of the country and the world know what's going on here. New Jerseyans love to point out how various scenes from north Jersey, including signs from the NJ Turnpike, can be seen during the open credits of the show:

That's right, the official motto of Atlantic City is "Always Turned On." Sounds like a place where I want to take my kids, for sure!

Understanding Atlantic City
Before we all get off on the wrong foot, I have to publicly state that I love Atlantic City. Picture Vegas, but much shittier and downtrodden, and a boardwalk that's ridiculously long with virtually no police presence. On one end is a bunch of hotel casinos, then there's a bajillion mile walk to the other end where the rest of the hotel casinos are. The walk in between is like an epic adventure (kind of like Lord of the Rings, but with less hobbits and more paranoid-schizophrenic alcoholics). The nimble will take the walk, and the fat will ride in a push cart. Yes, there are these big carts with a canopy that some poor guy pushes for two miles, for less than minimum wage.

If you're amused by flamboyant homeless people, especially ones who are very drunk and very weird, Atlantic City is the place for you - you'll see plenty of them on the boardwalk. Amongst the sounds of seagulls, you'll also hear loud burps, the jingle of fake gold being shilled in your face while you walk by some stranger, and the cat calls of massage parlor women. This is Atlantic City, the rough and tough gambling-legal town where you wouldn't dare to wander off the boardwalk if you value your life. I like my stakes high, my gold fake, and my boardwalk peppered with XXX shops and Chinese massage parlors. This is a city where you can order a prostitute in the local paper, after all (that's not a joke). Oh, and saltwater taffy, too...damn, that's tasty.

Before biting ears off, good old "Kid Dynamite" Iron Mike Tyson got his fame fighting here, at Boardwalk Hall. Boardwalk Hall in itself is so interesting to me. It's where all modern-day boxing matches take place in AC, but the building itself is vintage 1926: down to the painted dome ceilings and old red carpet hallways. It's like walking through high school back in the days of prohibition.

It's Totally Rad, Dude.
Atlantic City is like one of those places that are frozen in time...in this case, the early 1980s. It looks like absolutely nothing has been renovated since then. Just book a room at the Atlantic City Hilton, and you'll see what I mean. It's all about the black carpets and wall-to-wall mirrors there. Looking at the city's history, each of the hotel casinos had been built between 1979 and 1987. The only exceptions are the Taj Mahal in 1990 and the Borgata in 2003. Beyond that, it's a place where you'll want to slip on some white pants, a pink shirt and turquoise jacket - we're heading back to 1985...woohoo!

NJ State to Hit the "Reset Button" on Atlantic City
Recent news is pointing at a likely New Jersey state takeover of the Atlantic City gambling district - the city itself is in dire financial trouble, and it's not pulling in the cash it used to. Everyone's suffering - Mafia lonesharks, alcoholics and mid-end prostitutes alike. So, the new consensus is to Disney-tize Atlantic City and make it more "family friendly." I hate this idea, because I want my Atlantic City to remain the way it is. I want to feel like I'm in 1985, I want to see derelicts, XXX shops, massage parlors and crappy t-shirts with curses on them. However, these days will probably come to an end in the upcoming years...therefore, I urge all of you to give Atlantic City a visit before it does, and take in the experiences that all of us in NJ have known and loved for decades.

Here in New Jersey, we're very self-defeated and beaten down from years of high tax, low salaries and long work hours with little to no reward. The only resolve is to listen to Bruce Springsteen music, hope the Yankees beat either Boston or Philadelphia, or inquire at the nearest AAA office to book a long weekend to Florida. Living here is literally a daily struggle: there's no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel, and ultimately, no reason to keep residing here. So, why do so many do it?

This is both an absolutely baffling phenomenon, and an interesting psychological case study. There are several main reasons or "excuses" as to why people continue to carry out their existences in New Jersey:

• "I blame my ancestors" - They immigrated here, started this family, and things were better and cheaper back then. I've been here too long, no point in moving.
• "My job is here" - Nobody will want to hire someone outside of their state. It's too much work to fight to get an interview out of state.
• Fear of change and love of familiarity - Habits and the comfort of routine are hard to break: so much that the prospect of moving to a better place would be inconceivable.
• False sense of accomplishment or "I made it this long, might as well keep going" - Much like any survivor of a traumatic experience, New Jersey residents marvel at the strength they've possessed to make it this far, and figure that they can keep going.

Some New Jersey residents will strongly defend how great it is to live in NJ. Meanwhile, they'll eventually get to a complaint about how high the taxes or cost of homes are, or how much they hate their neighbor, their job, or how it takes 40 minutes to drive 5 miles. These people are clearly setting themselves up for serious health issues by regressing their pent-up frustration by expressing how "great it is to live here."

The truth is that anyone who actually is able to leave the event horizon of this black hole enjoys a quality of life far beyond imagination. You, too, can leave New Jersey. Yes you can!