Self Worth and the Abused

I learned to build very high walls at an early age. I was 5 years old when I was first sexually abused by a male family member that I had loved and trusted. I was told I would be in trouble with my parents if I said anything about it. They would consider me broken and imperfect and that they would give me away. I can still see his face as he told me this.

I look back on that small, beautiful blond haired child and cry for her. Her life was going to be a nightmare. I began wetting the bed. This lasted until I was almost 13 years old.

My mother told me recently that I was a cold child. I never wanted to be touched or held from about 5 years old on. She didn't know why. She always talked about how loving and sweet my younger brother was, but I was shy and standoffish. I hid in my room most of the time, not willing to become part of the outside world. I knew I was unworthy and didn't deserve to have my parents or friends. I was an impostor. I no longer belonged.

Looking through my school pictures I can see it so clearly now. The bright smile left and the sad eyes took its place.

-Unusual interest in or avoidance of all things of a sexual nature
-Sleep problems or nightmares
-Depression or withdrawal from friends or family
-Seductiveness
-Statements that their bodies are dirty or damaged, or fear that there is something wrong with them in the genital area
-Refusal to go to school
-Delinquency & conduct problems
-Secretiveness
-Aspects of sexual molestation in drawings, games, fantasies
-Unusual aggressiveness
-Running away from home
-Suicidal behavior or cutting
-Bed wetting

WatchDog's site keeps track of pedophiles by city & state
FBI's Site on CAC (Crimes Against Children)
National Sex Offender Registry (on FBI site)
Project Safe Childhood site and Project Safe Childhood
Missing Kids

As a teenager I found this song and didn't realize until just as I was writing this lens why I played it so often back then. You can read the lyrics below.

From the "It's a Game" album by the Bay City Rollers, 1977
lyrics:

Turn the pages of a broken dream
Smiling faces, have they ever seen
Empty hallways? Will they ever end?
The fool again

Masquerading in a hyper dream
Fading shadows talk of their machine
Through the haze another cigarette
So much to say to forget

CHORUS
Inside a broken dream I cry
Is love the reason why?
Inside an empty room I'll stare
At love that is not there

Life begins with your head in the dark
The chord of life reveals the final spark
Takes you nowhere then nowhere takes you back again

The older I got the more reserved I became. I kept excellent grades in school as a trophy, something to give me some credibility, status, and to drive away the demons. I thought that perfect scores would make me better inside. Maybe they wouldn't see I didn't belong. I was an outsider looking in through the glass window of a candy store but would never have the money to buy that longed for treat of happiness. How long before I could quit worrying that they would drop me off at a shelter somewhere? How long would it take to mend the breaks? When would I be worthy again?

In high school, I refused dates until the guys finally stopped asking.

At 17 years old, I finally accepted a date from a guy I had eventually come to trust after a couple of years of knowing him, or so I thought. When I refused his advances that night, he pointed a loaded gun at my head and I was then physically and sexually abused. I could only think I must have done something to deserve this. No marks were left on my face or arms, but the bruises covering my torso were ugly. My parents found out through my screaming nightmares. A clear indication I was hiding something. I apologized for letting it happen and withdrew back into my own world of books. I obviously wasn't worthy, yet.

It was 6 years later before I accepted the next date. I refused to be anywhere alone with him. I would take my own car and meet him in a restaurant and I would go home from there. Eventually, he asked me to marry him, though I still don't know why he bothered.

I was still trying to be the perfect child by not moving in with him before we were properly married. We bought a brand new house and had all the trappings of a newly married couple.

We were happy for about 6 months when he felt the need to seek other female companionship. The marriage was on and off for 2 and half years until I couldn't take the brutality of it anymore. We had no children together so I called it a day. I was now in survival mode.

I ran and never once looked back.

Within a year and a half I was remarried and had my only biological child, three step-sons and an alcoholic for a husband. I don't drink and have never done any sort of illegal drug. I already had enough problems and didn't need to add to them with substance abuse. I was also dealing with my brother and his personal issues.

The children needed me and loved me, broken wings and all. I stayed for as long as I physically and emotionally could.

After 8 years of making up lies and excuses to my parents for the bruises and to the children for their father's behavior, I finally got up the nerve to tell him to leave. It took him 3 months but he eventually did, taking my 3 step-sons with him. He knew I would fight to the death if he tried to take our then 6 year old son.

He has since been so concerned with his child that he owes 10 years worth of back child support. He has seen his son once in 11 years. In some ways, I see it as a fair trade. I won't say it has been easy as a single parent, but it's much easier than dealing with a drunk who likes guns.

Approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children.
Adults victimized in their childhood suffer from many of these disorders:

-Difficulties in interpersonal relationships
-Sexual dysfunction
-Depression, anxiety, phobic avoidance reactions, borderline personality disorder
-Drug & alcohol abuse
-Complex post-traumatic stress disorder
-Many sex-abuse victims have severely strained relationships with their parents marked by feelings of mistrust, fear, ambivalence, hatred, and betrayal
-Fears, panic attacks, sleeping problems, nightmares, irritability, outbursts of anger and sudden shock reactions when being touched.
-Little confidence, and self-respect
-Have little confidence in other people
-Fear of loss of control in relationships
-Abnormal or disrupted attachment disorder, a tendency for the victim to blame themselves for the abuse, learned helplessness, and overly passive behavior.
-Some reportedly suffer from some type of chronic head, abdominal, pelvic, or muscular pain with no identifiable reason.

-Hypervigilance - an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Traumatic events that may cause PTSD symptoms to develop include violent assault, kidnapping, sexual assault, torture, being a hostage, prisoner of war or concentration camp victim, experiencing a disaster, violent automobile accidents or getting a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness. Children may develop PTSD symptoms by experiencing bullying or sexually traumatic events like age-inappropriate sexual experiences.

To this day I am still very shy. Yes, I still strive to be perfect in my parents eyes, that will never stop as long as I have them. I don't like confrontation and try to be as kind as possible if I have to critique or disagree with anything. That doesn't mean I'm not honest or don't have an opinion, it means I refuse to be cruel. I think rudeness is unacceptable. I would be devastated if due to a thoughtless comment from me, I ever made anyone feel the worthlessness and self-doubt I have felt all these years. There is a certain point that I can be pushed to though, and all the anger will come out at once.

I do try to make friends but it is still hard to be open with people. They nearly always betray the trust I've given them. Once that has happened, I usually walk away and never look back. Some of us just attract people who will hurt them the most. Trust is a hard thing to come by. Make sure you don't abuse it.

A HUGE Thank You to MiMi GrowWear for the wonderful review:

My dear friend Ayngel "Boshemia" Overson has written a book that helps with healing. It is beautifully written from the perspective of the victim.

Both of the men mentioned here as sexual abusers are now dead and can no longer hurt me or anyone else. The first spent many years behind bars for sexually abusing his own children and finally passed away from injuries received in prison. The other died in a car accident shortly after the attack. I don't rejoice at the loss of their lives, and I know it sounds harsh but I feel no loss or regret either.

Thank you for reading this far and I hope I have helped someone out there realize the guilt is not theirs to hold on to. You are worthy of friendship and love.