How to Write a Condolence Letter

Guidelines for Writing a Condolence Letter 

• Condolence letters should be written and sent promptly, within two weeks after the death.
• The message should be neatly hand written on stationery.
• If you are sending as a condolence note be sure to write a note by hand and inserted into a beautiful card.
• The most effective condolence letters are the ones written as though you were actually talking with the grieving person.
• Write the letter the way you would normally speak to the person.
• Ideally, the person reading your letter should feel as though you were sitting with the grieving person.

What to Include in a Condolence Letter 

Parts of a Condolence Letter

1. Acknowledge the loss and the name of the deceased.
2. Express your sympathy.
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
4. Include a memory of the deceased.
5. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths or special qualities.
6. Offer help, but make sure it is a specific offer.
7. End the letter with a thoughtful word, a hope, a wish or expression of sympathy e.g. "You are in my thoughts and prayers." ("Sincerely," "love," or "fondly," may not be the best choices.)

How to Write an Effective Condolence Letter 

1. Acknowledge the loss and name of the deceased.
   
   This sets the purpose and tone of the letter. Let the bereaved know how you learned of the death and how you felt upon hearing the news. Using the name of the deceased is a tribute that comforts most mourners.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   Let the bereaved know your sadness. Use words of sympathy that share your own sorrow. This will remind the bereaved they are not alone in their suffering.
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
   
   Acknowledge those characteristics that you cherished most about the person who has died. These might be qualities of personality (leadership, sensitivity), or attributes (funny, good at sports), or ways the person related to the world (religious, devoted to community welfare). You might write of the special relationship you noted between the deceased and the bereaved.
   
   
4. Recall a memory about the deceased.
   
   Tell a brief story or anecdote that features the deceased. Try to capture what it was about the person in the story that you admired, appreciated or respected. Talk about how the deceased touched your life. Use humor-the funny stories are often the most appreciated by the bereaved.
   
   
5. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths.
   
   Bereavement often brings with it self-doubt and anxiety about one's own personal worth. By reminding the bereaved of the qualities they possess that will help them through this period, you reinforce their ability to cope. Among these qualities might be patience, optimism, religious belief, resilience, competence, and trust. If you can recall something the deceased used to say about the mourner in this regard, you will really be giving your friend a gift.
   
   
6. Offer help, but be specific.
   
   "If there is anything I can do, please call" actually puts a burden on those in grief who may be totally at a loss about what needs to be done. A definite offer to help with shopping, the kids, volunteer work, or whatever is more appreciated. Or offer to contact the mourner after the initial shiva period when the commotion has subsided. Then, do it-don't make an offer you can't fulfill.
   
   
7. End with a word or phrase or sympathy.
   
   "Sincerely," "love," or "fondly," don't seem like appropriate ways of closing a sympathy letter.
   
   Some alternative closures include:
   
   "You are in my thoughts and prayers."
   "Our love is with you always."
   "We share in your grief and send you our love."
   "My affectionate respects to you and yours."

Examples of Condolence Letters 

1. Example of a Condolence Letter for the Death of a Parent
2. Example of a Condolence Letter for a Sudden Loss
3. Example of a Condolence Letter for the Death of a Relative
4. Example of a Condolence Letter for the Death of a Baby of Newborn
5. Example of a Condolence Letter for the Death of a Child
6. Example of a Condolence Letter for the Death of a Co-worker, Colleague
7. Example of a Condolence Letter for the Death of a Patient
8. Example of a Condolence Letter for the Death of a Pet
9. Example of a Historical Condolence Letter for the Death of Soldier

Example of a Letter for the Death of a Parent 

Sympathy Letter to a Friend on the Death of Her Father

1. Acknowledge the loss and the name of the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   Dear ______,
   
   I was saddened to hear the news about the death of your father, _________.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   Example:
   
   Our thoughts are with you and your loved ones during this difficult time of loss.
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   I enjoyed getting a chance to meet your father, _________ during his visit to California. He seemed to be quite a character.
   
   
4. Include a memory of the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   I remember one time when we all went for the outing with the children. He seemed to be enjoying the outing with all of the children very much. What a beautiful day for a walk.
   
   
5. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths or special qualities.
   
   Example:
   
   I know that your great strength, family and friends will help you at this time of loss.
   
   
6. Offer help, but make sure it is a specific offer.
   
   Example:
   
   I will call you in a few days to see if you need help with watching the children or with the memorial service.
   
   
7. End the letter with a thoughtful word, an inspirational quote, a hope, a wish or expression of sympathy such as "You are in my thoughts and prayers."
   
   Example:
   
   Remember that "Those who live in the hearts of others never die."
   
   Keeping you in my thoughts during this difficult time,
   
   (Your Signature) __________
   
   

Example of a Condolence Letter for a Sudden Loss 

Sympathy Letter to the Remaining Spouse on the Death

1. Acknowledge the loss.
   
   Example:
   
   Dear ___________
   
   I was deeply saddened to hear the news about the sudden death of _________.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   Example:
   
   My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. We are all in a state of shock.
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   _________ was such a funny, entertaining and supportive person to be around. She was often a bright spot in my day. I will miss seeing her.
   
   
4. Include a memory about the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   I remember one time when ___________.
   
   
5. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths or special qualities.
   
   Example:
   
   I know you will miss ________ greatly. During this difficult time, I know you will draw upon your own strength and the strength of loved ones that hold you in their thoughts.
   
   
6. Offer Assistance.
   
   Example:
   
   You have my deepest sympathy. I will be in touch to see if you need help with the memorial service.
   
   
7. End with a thoughtful word, quote or phrase.
   
   Example:
   
   Remember there are many people who care about you and are thinking about you and share you loss in this difficult time of sorrow.
   
   Your signature ____________
   
   

Example of a Letter for the Death of a Relative 

1. Acknowledge the loss and name the deceased.
   
   Dear Aunt Rachel,
   
   I was shocked when Mom called this morning to tell me the news of Uncle Jerry's death. I know he was not feeling well, but the sudden heart attack he suffered brought an end to this wonderful man that was too soon.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   Words really cannot express how sad I feel. My heart is filled with sympathy on the loss of your beloved husband. I loved him too.
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
   
   Uncle Jerry was such a colorful man. I have never seen a man so dedicated to his work. He lived for the store. And was so funny; he loved to kid people, to kibbitz, to talk to the customers.
   
   Devoted to his beautiful family, especially you, he loved being surrounded by his children and grandchildren. I know the source of pride they were to him.
   
   
4. Recall a memory about the deceased.
   
   It seems like yesterday that I was twelve years old and working during the summer at the market. I'll never forget how Uncle Jerry loved to work the aisles. He would get three guys, including me, and we'd stack cases of something on special up to the ceiling. It took hours. Then, when we'd be all done, he'd look at the display and say, "Nope. Let's put it over here!." and we'd have to take it down and start all over again. But he wanted it to be just right. He'd be all business, but when we were done, he'd take me across the street for lunch.
   
   
5. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths.
   
   I know how much you will miss Uncle Mort. We all will. But I know you will remember the many blessings of the beautiful years you shared together. He loved you so and you were always a a source of strength to him. I remember his tremendous devotion to you during your illness. The strength and willingness to live you demonstrated then will help you get through the days and months ahead.
   
   
6. Offer help, but be specific.
   
   You know that Susie, the kids and I offer our sympathy and love. We hope to be in Omaha soon and we look forward to being with you.
   
   
7. End with a word of phrase of sympathy.
   
   Our prayers and thoughts are with you.
   
   May God grand you comfort among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
   
   Ronnie
   
   

Special Considerations When Sending a Letter After the Death of a Child 

The death of a child, no matter what age, is always a difficult loss for parents to bear. Since many parents see children as an extension of themself, the death of a child is the death of hopes and dreams for the future.

The death of a child disrupts the natural order of thing in which grandparents die before parents and parents die before their children.

Photo Source: Phil Landowski. Dust to Dust. Royalty Free Use.

1. The way that a child has died affects the type of grief that follows.
   
   Parents may grieve very differently over the death of a stillbirth, a baby, a sudden unexpected death or a prolonged illness.
   
   
2. Guilt and anger are especially pronounced following the death of a child.
   
   Parents are likely to go through the "What if's" and "If only's."
   
   
3. A child's death is a challenge to every marriage.
   
   
4. The father's grief may be camouflaged or ignored.
   
   
5. Siblings and grandparents are also mourning the death of the child, in addition to the parents.
   
   
6. Families often struggle to make sense of the death.
   
   

Example of a Letter for the Death of a Baby 

Sympathy Letter to the Parents of a Newborn or Baby

1. Acknowledge the loss and name the deceased (if known).
   
   Dear _______
   
   I was saddened to hear the news about the death of your baby, _________.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   I am so saddened by your loss.
   
   [Alt: I wish that your baby (fill in name) had survived.]
   
   [Alt: I wish things had turned out differently for you.]
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
   
   _______ was such a happy baby and joy to have around.
   
   [This section may not be possible if the death was of a newborn.]
   
   
4. Recall a memory about the deceased.
   
   I remember one time when... ___________.
   
   [This section may not be possible if the death was of a newborn.]
   
   I hope that your time together will bring you comfort.
   
   [Alt:I hope that the days will look brighter soon.]
   
   
5. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths.
   
   I know that your family and faith will help you through this most difficult of life challenges.
   
   
6. Offer help, but be specific.
   
   If it would be helpful, I could take the kids to a movie for a while to give you some time to yourself. I will call you to set up a time.
   
   
7. End with a word or phrase or sympathy.
   
   I am thinking about your and your family and holding you in my thoughts and prayers,
   
   (Your Signature) __________
   
   

Example of a Letter for the Death of a Child 

Sympathy Letter to the Parents of a Child

1. Acknowledge the loss and name the deceased.
   
   Dear ______,
   
   We are so saddened by the news of your beautiful daughter ________ death.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   We wish we could find words to ease your pain.
   
   Losing a child is one of the saddest life challenges and words that can give you true comfort are difficult to find.
   
   
3. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths.
   
   Do know that we are thinking of you during this time of loss.
   
   
4. End with a word or phrase or sympathy.
   
   You have our sincere condolences and sympathy.
   
   In sympathy,
   
   (Your Signature) __________
   
   

Example for the Death of a Co-worker, Colleague 

Sympathy Letter to a Family Member on the Death of a Co-worker

1. Acknowledge the loss.
   
   Dear Mary,
   
   This morning I heard the sad news of your husband's sudden and unexpected death.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   Let me extend my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. The loss must touch you very deeply as you face these first numbing days of grief.
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
   
   (Note: This may not apply if you never met the deceased.)
   
   
4. Recount a memory about the deceased.
   
   (Note: This may not apply if you never met the deceased. However, it can be quite meaningful to the grieving person if you can recall any special qualities or memories they may have shared with you or others in the office about their loved one.)
   
   
5. Note special qualities of the bereaved.
   
   During this difficult period, I know you will draw on your faith and deep personal resources that so many of us have come to respect and admire.
   
   
6. Offer assistance.
   
   John and I would be able to help pick up your dry cleaning or help with the shopping. We will be in touch by phone a bit later to see how we can help.
   
   
7. Close with a thoughtful word or phrase.
   
   Keep in mind that this office is filled with people who care about you and are thinking about you during your time of great sorrow.
   
   With Heartfelt Condolences
   
   Your Signature _________________

Example of a Letter for the Death of a Patient 

Sympathy Letter to a Family Member on the Death of a Patient

1. Acknowledge the loss and the name of the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   Dear ______,
   
   I want to express my sympathy to you and your family on the death of your father, _________.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   Example:
   
   My thoughts are with you and your loved ones during this difficult time of loss.
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   I enjoyed caring for your father, _________ for these many years. I am honored to have served as his personal physician.
   
   
4. Include a memory of the deceased.
   
   Example:
   
   Your father shared many stories about his family during his visits over the years. It was obvious he was very proud of his family.
   
   
5. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths or special qualities.
   
   Example:
   
   I know that your great strength, family and friends will help you at this time of loss.
   
   
6. Offer help, but make sure it is a specific offer.
   
   Example:
   
   Someone from the office or hospice will be in touch by phone in a week's time to see how you are doing.
   
   
7. End the letter with a thoughtful word, expression of sympathy such as "You are in my thoughts and prayers."
   
   Example:
   
   If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.
   
   With sincere sympathy
   
   (Your Signature) __________
   
   

Special Considerations for the Death of a Pet 

Pet losses are often fall into the category of a disenfranchised loss, or a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. The person who has suffered such a loss may feel that he or she does not have the right to act as if he/she is bereaved.

In addition, the death of a pet may trigger old griefs and other old losses, serving as a reminder of previous losses.

Since many people don't understand the importance of the loss of a pet, the grief that results following the death of a pet may suppressed by the bereaved. Pet owners grieving the loss of a beloved companion pet may feel that others will think they are foolish, mourning the death of an animal.

When sending condolences on the death of a pet, there are a few things that people should consider.

1. Use the pet's name.
   The animal was very special to your friend and should be named, not referred to as "your dog" or "your cat."
2. Recall the pet.
   If possible include one of your own experiences with your friend's pet. Mention one of the animal's positive or lovable traits.
3. Do not talk about getting a new pet.
   It takes many people time to get over the death of a pet. The condolence letter is not the place to tell your friend to think about getting another new pet.

Example of a Letter for the Death of a Pet 

1. Acknowledge the loss and the name of the pet.
   
   Example:
   
   Dear ______,
   
   I want to express my sympathy to you on the death of your companion pet, Sparky.
   
   
2. Express your sympathy.
   
   Example:
   
   It was apparent that the decision to ease his final days was not an easy one to make.
   
   
3. Note special qualities of the pet.
   
   Example:
   
   He was a great friend and a special companion for you these past few years. I enjoyed caring for your Sparky.
   
   
4. Include a memory of the deceased pet.
   
   Example:
   
   Sparky was a very special dog that came to you during your time of need. He had a caring heart.
   
   
5. Offer help, but make sure it is a specific offer.
   
   Example:
   
   Someone from the office will be in touch by phone in a a few days to see how you are doing.
   
   
6. End the letter with a thoughtful word, expression of sympathy such as "You are in my thoughts and prayers."
   
   Example:
   
   We hope you will give yourself permission to feel the grief. Thinking of you,
   
   (Your Signature) __________