Write to Sell! - Editing Tips Online Sellers Should Know

Pour some coffee, folks, and wake up for this week's installment of the Saturday Etsy Writing Critiques! (Or should I say really, really early Sunday morning critiques?)

This week Janet, of Trinkets N Whatnots, is under the microscope. Her shop features a huge array of eye-catching rings and jewelry, as well as a few of those "whatnots" thrown in!

But while Janet's jewelry definitely calls out for attention, her product descriptions set my eyes wandering. All the components are there, but Janet needs some adjustments in order to tie her writing together into a readable, attractive package.

Let's take a glance at her description for a bold, black and purple pendant:

~~~

This is a gorgeous, and unique porcelain pendant that has purple and pearl colors. The purple outlines an Orchid looking, delicate flower.

The necklace is made out of wood beads that has purple hues in it to compliment the pendant. A magnetic barrel clasp is used to finish this necklace.

Item ships next business day via priority mail flat rate, 4.80

If paying by personal check or money order the item will ship upon payment being received.

Thanks for looking.

~~~

When I look at Janet's writing, I see puzzle pieces. There is plenty of information there, but the words don't seem to fit together. It makes me want to take it all apart and rearrange it (thank goodness I'm allowed to!).

Let's start with the first sentence. It begins well - I do like buying gorgeous things! But it ends in a fizzle. I don't really need to be told that purple and pearl are colors, that's not a whole lot of new or interesting information. Mentioning the colors is important, but they don't need to be emphasized. As a buyer, I can already see them in the photo. Let's save the end of sentence one for something with a little more "oomph."

On to sentence two. To be perfectly honest, the phrase "Orchid looking, delicate flower" sounds wishy-washy to me. Save the fear of commitment for your boyfriend and let's just say it's a "delicate Orchid."

In the third sentence there are two distracting grammatical errors. The first, more serious, is the mismatched verb. It should read "beads that have," not, "beads that has." This error actually makes the sentence difficult to comprehend, since it's not obvious at first glance what "has" the purple hues. The second, minor error is the mix-up of compliment and complement (I'm guilty of this on occasion as well!). In a nutshell: "I'm trying to give you a compliment when I say that feather boa really complements your outfit."

Passive tense undercuts the fourth sentence, and should be avoided when possible. Actually, "is used to finish" could simply be condensed to "finishes." This brings me to a point about verbs. There are a lot of them out there. Don't rely on ho-hum verbs like "is" and "has," when action verbs can bring much more pizazz to your writing. Would you rather buy wooden beads that glow with a purple hue, or ones that have a purple hue?

And a note about "unique": Please don't use it. Every hand-crafted item is unique the way every kid is "special." It may be true, but the word itself has been rendered meaningless. If you're stuck, turn to a trusty friend.

Here's my rewrite:

~~~

This head-turning necklace features a bold purple and pearl-colored Orchid pendent.

It hangs from a string of daring geometric wood beads. The beads glow with a purple hue, perfectly complementing the gorgeous centerpiece. The necklace finishes with an easy-to-use magnetic barrel clasp.

All my work ships the next business day via priority mail flat rate, $4.80.

If paid by personal check or money order, the piece will ship when payment is received.

Thanks for looking.

~~~

I noticed that Janet didn't include any information about the focal bead itself, besides the color. It looks like metal but I'm left wondering what kind. As a person with sensitive skin, I think that's important. [EDIT: Actually, she did. She said it was porcelain, and I was too half-asleep to notice! My bad.]

I did change the shipping information a tiny bit, as well. The word "item" sounds so sterile when referring to handcrafted work, so I try to avoid it.

I hope this helps, Janet! Many happy sales!

Another week, another critique!

I can hardly believe it's Saturday again (although my calendar was very clear on this point!). Today I've picked the talented Etsy jeweler and printer Cate Holst. There is a lively sense of color and fun to her work and in her descriptions.

But some of her writing occasionally seems splashed together, and could use some clean-up and refinement.

I do want to point out that she does a great job breaking out the details into discrete, easy to read sections. By separating it out for easy browsing, Cate is able to write a relatively long description without giving readers the sense that she's going on and on.

Let's take a look at the whole description for a romantic and fun little purse print:

~~~

Well, I don't know about you, but my ultimate nightly dream is to lust after a gorgeous new handbag as well as all those girly essentials like lipstick, blush and jewels. What more could a girl want? Dream no more... have it all for a fraction of the cost in this stylish lipstick pink Gocco print

T H E %u2022 D E T A I L
Digitally printed background of scanned antique paper with classic words from Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' then overprinted with two runs of gocco printing %u2022 Size: 4" x 5-3/4" (100mm x 145mm) %u2022 'A Midsummer Night's Dream - Girly Essentials No2' is the second of a series of three Girly Essentials designs %u2022 Printed on French pure white textured 100% cotton stock 240gsm, with EPSON RX650 using archival inks %u2022 Each illustration comes signed and numbered

T H E %u2022 F R A M I N G
Frame not included but easy to find.... Ikea RIBBA 5" x 7" frame. Gocco print fits beautifully!
For US customers: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70132525

B L O G
The Gocco process is published in my blog...wanna see it?
http://cateholst.typepad.com/aworkinprogress/2008/07/gocco-a-go-go-1.html

C O P Y R I G H T
© Copyright Cate Holst 2008. Copyright is not transferable with the sale of the item. The buyer is not entitled to reproduction rights without written permission %u2022 This Gocco print is from my original illustrations and computer generated artwork that you will not see anywhere else

P L E A S E %u2022 N O T E
There maybe some minor variations between each illustration due to its hand-printed and painted nature

S H I P P I N G
Item will be shipped within 24 hours during business days. Parcel should be delivered between 3 to 10 business days. Each print is carefully packaged in a cello bag and ships in a flat, rigid envelope

~~~

I like that the first paragraph has some personality and color, but it needs a little clean-up. Her wording makes it sound like her ultimate dream is the act of lusting after something. I believe she means to say that her ultimate dream is owning the expensive things that she lusts after. It's only a slightly different meaning, but it didn't seem to read smoothly to me.

Here's what I would do:

~~~

I don't know about you, but my ultimate nightly dream is a gorgeous new handbag stuffed with lust-worthy girly essentials. Lipstick, blush and jewels...What more could a girl want? Dream no more... have it all for a fraction of the cost in this stylish lipstick pink Gocco print!

~~~

She has a similar issue in a description for a print of cute lingerie:

~~~

I admit I'm a hopeless romantic and a romantic girl never feels more feminine in some adorable lingerie set to a backdrop of Shakespeare with the likes of Romeo and Juliet. And perhaps a glass of champagne wouldn't go astray either! This pretty pastel Gocco print certainly sets the mood...

~~~

I believe she means to say that she never feels more feminine than when she's in some adorable lingerie. And does she stand in front of a set for Romeo and Juliet when she's wearing it? No, the backdrop of the image is set against a written scene from the play. Let's clear that up (and throw in some more punctuation):

~~~

I admit it: I'm a hopeless romantic! And a romantic girl never feels more feminine than in some adorable lingerie, listening to the poetry of Shakespeare. A glass of champagne wouldn't go astray, either!

This pretty pastel Gocco print certainly sets the mood, set against an antique page from Romeo and Juliet...

~~

If you suffer from confusing wordings, try reading them out loud. Work it until it feels natural on your tongue, and don't be afraid to break things down into short sentences! Clarity should always be a #1 priority.

I do love how Cate writes an individualized introduction for every piece, and then copies in generic details below. This is an essential time-saving technique for anyone who regularly posts listings. If I were Cate, I might put a visual delineating line where the details start (like: ---------- ) so that the readers eyes are pulled immediately to the top paragraph first.

I also *love* the fact that she includes a link to find the perfect size frame to go with the print. For people like me (who adore photographs and prints but are too lazy to search out the proper frames for them) this is a really attractive sales point.

Keep up the great work!

Welcome to this week's hung-over-from-Saturday Writing Critique! (Yes, I was busy partying at a wedding yesterday and couldn't post. It's a hard job, but somebody's got to do it!)

Today I'm going to be sticking with last week's theme and zeroing in on Tessa, of Simply Tess. Tessa is another jewelry maker with lovely designs, fantastic photos and short descriptions.

Of course, short doesn't necessarily mean minimalist. Tessa's descriptions are nothing if not dense - packing in plenty of information per inch. Let's take a look at her write-up for some summery pink earrings:

~~~

a minty summer ... earrings

rectangular, pale minty green glass squares mix with soft and at times pale raspberry colored cherry quartz tear drop briolettes with clear japanese glass beads with a hint of metallic sparkle.

blackened, oxidized sterling silver ear wires and components.

approximately 1 3/4" long

~~~

I love Tessa's descriptive instinct. She has quite a few words that conjure up a real mental image of her piece, and that's great. Unfortunately, almost all of them are packed tight in one lengthy sentence!

Here's the best piece of writing advice you may ever get: Always read your work out loud. I don't think there's a writer at my newspaper that I haven't seen at least once, hunched over their computer screens, mumbling the same sentence over again and again.

And when you do read out loud, check to see if there are any lines that leave you feeling out of breath. If there are, stop. You may have a run-on sentence on your hands.

In Tessa's case, the problem is simply trying to pack in too many ideas and words all at once. Breaking it down into a few sentences will make her description so much more readable and enjoyable. I'm also going to redistribute some of the adjectives. Keep in mind that the customer has already seen a picture of the earrings (It's worth a thousand words, remember?).

Here's my suggestion:

~~~

Refreshing raspberry mint - the perfect summertime treat!

These elegant earrings mix green glass squares with cherry quartz tear-drop briolettes. They are accented with clear japanese glass beads, adding a hint of metallic sparkle!

The ear wires and components are made from blackened, oxidized sterling silver.

Approximately 1 3/4" long.

~~~

Oh, and to come up with an idea for the first line, I did a google keyword search and came up with plenty of recipes for raspberry mint mojitos! Yum! It might even be cute to include a recipe along with the purchase...

Your regularly scheduled Writing Critique will begin after this public service announcement: Always wear sunscreen if you're going to fall asleep at the beach. (My skin - it burns!! Ow!)

~~~

Annnnnd we're back! Today's critiquing victim is Edith (or Lulu?) from Edith and Lulu. This Portland, Oregon based, button-obsessed jewelery maker is looking to liven up her sparse item descriptions.

And sparse they are! Here's the description for a pair of adorable pink button earrings:

~~~

Pink glass buttons and tiny freshwater pearls with sterling silver wire and ear wires.

length: 1-1/4"
button size: just under a 1/2"

~~~

I'll say that as a newspaper reporter, I do love to see short and sweet. I mean, I enjoy Charles Dickens as much as the next lady, but the man could've used a copy editor in his life!

But Edith's description is maybe *too* short. There are two things I'd like to see added, and I think it can be done without costing her too much time or effort. I'd like a one-line intro to the piece, a "lede" that sells the earrings to potential buyers, and a brief answer to the question: "What's up with all the buttons?"

If you are stuck for ideas when writing, come up with a word to describe your piece and take a little trip to the thesaurus. Here's some words that might help Edith out in her description: lively, fun, whimsical, quirky, romantic...

Also think about who your target audience is, and how your product should make them feel. How something makes a buyer feel is a common sales tactic - think of all the beer ads that tell you how sexy you'll be drinking their beer, without a mention of the taste!

Personally, whenever I see button jewelry, the first adjective I think of is "playful." So I think the description should be playful, too. And don't be afraid to be a little corny - it's okay if it gets people smiling! But I am going to keep it very, very brief, and just pull in one line from her profile about the buttons.

Here's my rewrite:

~~~

Feel cute as a button on a night out!

These playful pink glass buttons hang from tiny freshwater pearls wrapped with sterling silver wire

length: 1-1/4"
button size: just under a 1/2"

These earrings are created from my huge collection of found, recycled, vintage, collectable and new buttons!

~~~

I also threw in a couple of verbs - "hang" and "wrapped." Active verbs are sadly overlooked sometimes, but do a great job of adding energy to a sentence without taking up extra space. I hope this gives Edith some new ideas! Have a great holiday weekend, and many happy sales!

Dangling participles? Purple prose? Never fear, the Saturday Writing Critique is here!

(Ahem. Yes, I know my intros are getting steadily sillier. Forgive me - I spent most the day driving through three states!)

But it is indeed that time of week again, and tonight our volunteer is Jane, of Ergane. Jane is the creator of some unusual and enchanting collage-style jewelry, as well as the author of some of the most eccentric and personality-packed descriptions I have seen on Etsy.

In fact, I had quite a debate with myself over whether to pick Jane for tonight. I have a number of suggestions I might make to her about her writing (and she did, after all, volunteer). But I think I run the risk of "over-correcting." After all, the descriptions are one of the few places in an online marketplace where buyers can really get a "feel" for the artist behind the product, and that's a valuable thing. So please, as always, take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I'll try as best I can to leave Jane's personal voice intact!

And boy, is it a chatty voice! Check out her description for a pair of cute orange stamp earrings:

~~~

and for orange power baby-yeah! A new version of my stamp earrings, sans dangle, but cool and elegant on long copper kidney wires. German stamp, Austrian crystal, great combination!

These earrings are around 2" or more long, and are made with
hand canceled stamps-you'll never see anyone on the streets with a pair like yours, as they all come from the attention-deficit
mind of me. Just making two that match is all that I can accomplish, and SO,
you are guaranteed a one of a kind pair! They don't even match each other, sometimes! (what with the postmarks and all) Most are covered on the back
with vintage dictionary pages-a by-product of my cannister making-I try very
hard to use all the paper left-overs!

I SHIP INTERNATIONALLY!

If these items don't quite suite yer fancy, try www.fearlessfreak.etsy.com

Kinetic Watch Earrings are made by hand, by me.

I begin with a variety of vintage watch crystals and a pile of lovely postage stamps. First I stick the stamps (or other interesting, papery things) to the backs of the watch crystals, and next I cement on a brass paillette. Then I cover the whole thing with vintage dictionary pages and images. Each square or circle is handled at least seven times in the process-I want them to be as close to my idea of perfect as they can be!
Each pair of stamps is then made into a unique pair of earrings-I have a large bead collection and I chose something different for each pair. Yours may include semiprecious stones, pearls, Czech glass, vintage Czech glass, vintage Lucite, brass charms/findings, watch innards and enameled metal flowers.
All ear wires and dangles are made from gold-plated brass earring hoops, and any slight discoloring of the stamps is due to either age and/or the reaction of the ink to the adhesives I use, and should not be considered imperfections, but rather, human made. While they are water-resistant they shouldn't be submerged or showered in. They are made of glass so they can be broken-especially if you happen to be an enthusiastic telephone-answerer like me!

~~~

Now, this is one of Jane's shorter descriptions, which is why I choose to tackle it. She's got a lot of fun and clever things to say throughout the description, but in my opinion we don't really need the stream-of-conscious kitchen sink. Let's pick one or two things that capture her personality, and go for brevity in the other parts.

Visually, I'm going to try to add some space between paragraphs and clean up her unusually placed line-breaks. Hopefully that will make it easier for readers to browse.

I'm going to omit the bit about using paper left-over from the canisters (Jane makes necklaces from small canisters decorated in dictionary paper). If I was visiting the earrings without seeing the rest of Jane's shop, the reference would throw me for a loop. Also, I wouldn't say that "most" of the earrings have dictionary paper on the back. As a buyer, I'd like to know what's on this particular set.

Finally, I'm going to try to shorten the description of her process. I think it could be clearer and more concise (oh, and I didn't know what a "paillette" was, so I'm going to add a word about that!).

Whew! Okay, here goes:

~~~

And for orange power, baby - yeah!

Cool and elegant stamp earrings on long copper kidney wires. German stamp, Austrian crystal - great combination!

Around 2" long, they are made with hand-canceled stamps. You'll never see anyone on the streets with a pair like yours, as they all come from straight from my own attention-deficit mind! It's covered on the back
with recycled vintage dictionary pages!

I SHIP INTERNATIONALLY!

If these items don't quite suit yer fancy, try www.fearlessfreak.etsy.com

How I make my Kinetic Watch Earrings:

I begin with a variety of vintage watch crystals and a pile of lovely postage stamps. I stick the stamps to the backs of the watch crystals, and next I cement on a piece of brass backing, called a paillette. I then cover the whole thing with vintage dictionary pages and images.

Each pair of stamps is attached to a gold-plated brass earring hook and adorned with a unique bead from my collection. Yours may include semiprecious stones, pearls, Czech glass, vintage Czech glass, vintage Lucite, brass charms/findings, watch innards or enameled metal flowers.

Any slight discoloring of the stamps is due to age or a reaction between the ink and adhesives - a sign of the human touch! Parts are glass, so be careful if you are an over-enthusiastic telephone-answerer, like me!

~~~

Notice that in the interest of brevity I took out the part about not submerging the earrings. I think that's pretty common-sense, but if Jane is worried about it, maybe it could be in the email that gets sent to buyers after a purchase?

Thanks Jane, I hope this helps! Many happy sales to you!

~~~

Quick, hide the split infinitives! There's a Writing Critique on the loose!

Yes, it's that time again, and today Abigail, of Piedras del Cardenal, is in our sights. She's another fabulous jewelry maker with plenty of hip chainmaille pieces to browse.

But Abigail's descriptions give me the perfect opportunity to discuss something that plagues Etsy writing: Technical terms.

Here's the very first sentence of Abigail's description for a pair of eye-grabbing loop earrings - please raise your hand if you see a word you don't know:

~~~

Four blue anodized aluminum circles are linked with the smallest possible doubled links of golden yellow aluminum, and hung on hypoallergenic anodized niobium hooks.

~~~

Uh, are your hands raised? Mine are. Let's look at the whole thing:

~~~

Four blue anodized aluminum circles are linked with the smallest possible doubled links of golden yellow aluminum, and hung on hypoallergenic anodized niobium hooks. These have a retro feel to them; though the color is all wrong, they remind me of the famous Nelson Marshmallow Sofa of the fifties.

The niobium wires are safe for virtually everyone, sensitive skin or not, and the earrings weigh practically nothing. They are good for wearing for long days, or for a young girl who wants something dangly and stylish. The total length is 2-1/8 inches (55 mm).

The niobium wire color is not as different from the aluminum as it appears in some of the images, though the anodizing on the two metals is different. The aluminum is royal blue with a bit of a peacock-blue tint, and the niobium is steel blue, not violet as in some shots. (That pink workbox top was reflecting upward and affecting the shades, I think.)

~~~

Whew! I understand that Abigail is trying to give the educated buyer vital info. But it's leaving the rest of us out in the dark.

Don't get me wrong, technical terms are fine in descriptions. But they require at least one or two well-chosen words of introduction. (Oh, and jewelers? This includes "swarovski crystals"! It took weeks of hanging around the Etsy forums before I had a clue what those are!).

Now, there's plenty of info in Abigail's description that would make an attractive "lede." Let's get that stuff out front. In the newspaper biz, we always put the most interesting and important information at the beginning of the story, and pack the end with details that only the most intrepid readers want to know. For Abigail, technical terms should go after the first sentence (with brief definitions, please!) for more discerning buyers.

Here's my rewrite (with some help from Wikipedia):

~~~

These feather-light blue earrings have a hot retro feel! The interlocking hoops remind me of the famous 1950's Nelson Marshmallow Sofa.

These are perfect for super-sensitive ears because the hoops are made from a non-irritating metal called niobium.

Dangling at just over 2 inches (55 mm), each earring is comprised of linked peacock-blue and gold aluminum hoops.

Perfect for that long day at the office!

~~~

You may notice that I left out a LOT, including nearly the entire last paragraph. Personally, I think if a buyer is really concerned about anodizing, they'll ask directly. Also, we don't need the explanation of the different colors against different backgrounds - I think the pictures are clear.

Please do think about buyers who may know absolutely nada about your craft. A well-placed word of explanation can invite, teach and excite!

I hope this helps, Abigail! Happy sales!

Get your pens in position, folks, it's Saturday Writing Critique time again!

Allison Kelley, of Allison Kelley Designs, is our brave volunteer this week. She makes both elegant and fun jewelry, but says she struggles with the item descriptions.

Allison sticks primarily to straight-ahead, informational descriptions, but she has been looking to liven things up a bit.

I especially like what she tries to do with a description for a lovely carved jade and copper necklace. The first line is meant to grab attention and make the buyer more interested - exactly what a "lede" should do. But Allison seems to trip herself up by making it more wordy than necessary, and by leaving in a noticeable spelling error. Here's hers:

~~~

This is one of those necklaces in which it's more stunning in person that in a photo.

The Antique Copper Links that make up this stunning necklace are complimented by the beautiful autumn colors of Carved Round Jade Beads and Olivine Cubic Zirconia Round Beads.

Findings are Antique Copper.

The overall length of the Necklace is 41" - adjustable.

Your item will arrive carefully packaged, ready for gift giving -- or for your own personal enjoyment!

Thank you for looking!

~~~

I think we all know exactly what she is saying in the first line, but it could be a lot snappier!

Plus she writes "that" instead of "than." It's a such a small error, you might say, "why care?" But I think that in the highly competitive world of Etsy (or anywhere else), it pays to look professional. I don't mean that you should appear cold and inhuman, but you should demonstrate that you take time with your work, and show an attention to detail.

Whenever I submit a news story to my editors, I try to read it about four or five times first. Yes, it might be anal - after all, what's a copy editor for? But when you know that thousands of people are going to be reading it, you tend to experience a certain type of paranoia (plus, a percentage of those people will call us the next day to complain about it if there's an error. I'm not kidding).

If you're the type of person who can read something over and over and still miss the typo, here's a idea. Try reading backwards, starting with the last word you wrote. It will slow you down and make you concentrate on every word individually, rather than in the context of the sentence (old copy editor's trick).

Oh, and let's think of some other adjectives besides stunning. Here's my rewrite of Allison's description:

~~~

Even more stunning in person!

The warm color of antique copper is perfectly complemented by the autumn tones of carved jade and olivine cubic zirconia beads.

The findings are antique copper. This necklace is 41" long and adjustable.

Your item will arrive carefully packaged, ready for gift-giving -- or for your own personal enjoyment!

Thank you for looking!

~~~

You'll also notice that I corrected her over-zealous capitalization - it's not wrong, per se, for informal writing, but I think it's pretty distracting.

I left the idea of her lede alone, but I wanted to mention that this necklace reminds me of something you might discover in some Mayan ruin. That might make a fun way to begin the description, as well.

Good luck, Allison, I hope this helps!

Flip open that thesaurus, it's Saturday Writing Critique time again!

This week I'll be zeroing in on jewelry crafter Becca, of Mash84. Becca has some very attractive pieces, but boy, is it hard to sell jewelry on Etsy! To be a success, you need to be a cut above.

But Becca has a problem I think we can all relate to. She mentioned last week that she has a hard time praising her own work because she feels "like a used car salesman."

Now, first, artists are in a different boat from a used car salesman (no offense to the great ones) because we love what we do, and we want to share our passion with the world.

Second, tough cookies. If you want to make a sale, you've got to make a pitch, like it or not. If your work doesn't get you excited, why should a buyer be interested in it? Fake it if you have to - take a "whistle a happy tune" philosophy.

Unfortunately, you can feel Becca's hesitance seeping into her product descriptions. Here's one for a beautiful wire-wrapped necklace:

~~~

This item is an elegantly wire wrapped piece. The purple stones are gemstones, I purchased it in a parcel of random stones and I am unsure what they are.

The pendant measures 1 1/2 inches long from the top loop to the dangling purple drop. It is about an inch wide. The wire is 26 gauge half-hard wire on the larger stone the smaller stone is wrapped with a higher gauge.

Please note this listing if for the pendant only. It does not come with a chain.

Please ask any questions before you purchase.

Thanks for stopping by.

~~~

I had a professor in college who helped my writing enormously. He said, "Always make an argument." Even when there are many other sides to an issue, pick one and make the most convincing case for it you can.

The same applies to Etsy writing. As a seller, you need to make an argument that makes your own work as attractive as possible (Don't ever venture into lying, however! That will get you in waaaay more trouble than you want!).

In my opinion, Becca is not making the best case for her own work in her pictures (which could used to be brightened and cropped) or her writing. Obviously she put a lot of work into the piece, and that could be highlighted. She doesn't know the type of stone, which is not ideal, but her apologetic tone is a turn-off for me. If she needs to bring it up, she could call it a "mystery stone," or she could just let sleeping dogs lie until a customer specifically asks.

I'm just going to give her description a tiny tweaking, with an aim to reinforce the good, minimize the uncertainty and inject a bit of excitement in there. Here's my rewrite:

~~~

This intricate wire-wrapped pendant features a sparkling purple gemstone!

From the top loop to the elegant purple drop, this pendant measures 1 1/2 inches long and 1 inch wide (Note: It does not include the chain).

It is time-consumingly wrapped in 26 gauge half-hard wire, with a finer wire around the smaller stone.

I'd be happy to answer any questions - just contact me!

Thanks for stopping by.

~~~

Good luck, Becca, I hope this helps!

Sharpen your quills, it's Saturday Writing Critique time again!

This week we're stopping to smell an Irish Rose...or, at least, to look at the writing of an Irish rose-crocheter! Rena, of LilyCobWeb, takes a sculptural approach to crocheting. Some of us might think "grandma" when we think crochet, but I find her flower chokers cute and, dare I say, indie-hip?

But to actually sell them, Rena is going to need to distinguish herself. Awesome pictures are essential, but good product descriptions can also be key to keeping customers engaged and browsing. Unfortunately, I have to admit that Rena's description, though information packed, had my eyes glazing after the first line or two. Let's have a look:

~~~

This is a crocheted choker with a pretty flower as its focal point. It combines leather, yarn, thread, and swarovski crystals in a romantic creation to adorn your neck. It is made all in one piece, starting with the flower and has no seams. It has a tiny front-closing magnetic clasp, cleverly hidden behind the flower. It is really easy to put on and easy to wear. The topmost two beads are sewn onto the neckpiece and fasten on to the flower like buttons. You can use them to adjust the position of the flower, even though it is quite secure without them. This choker is made in brown leather thonging, sunny yellow cotton yarn and creamy yellow thread. Each petal has a tiny bronze swarovski bicone bead sewn to it. It will fit an average size neck. I can also make one for you in a colourway of your choice.

~~~

Now, I've noticed that some visual artists seem to forget about the visual impact of their writing. Think about it: If I showed you a short, concise line and a long, dense paragraph, what would you read first? Many eyes will simply skip over a big block of writing.

You don't need to be Hemingway here - just use line breaks! It's a fast, cheap trick and lets buyers eyes scan for exactly that piece of info they need.

Here's another trick to stay concise: Scan your writing for independent clauses that can be condensed into a strategically placed single-word description. So, "It is made all in one piece, starting with the flower and has no seams" becomes, "It is made in one seamless piece, beginning with the flower."

This idea is especially vital for me, as a reporter, when I need to write information-packed news articles! And, as always, identify non-essential words and delete, delete, delete.

Rena might also want to consider ways to hone her lede.

Here's my rewrite:

~~~

Stand out from the crowd with a romantic crocheted flower choker.

Combining leather, yarn, thread, and swarovski crystals, this seamless creation was made all in one piece, beginning with the flower.

With a hidden front-closing magnetic clasp, it is easy to put on and wear. The topmost beads fasten like buttons and can be used to adjust the position of the flower. Each petal has a tiny bronze swarovski bicone bead sewn to it.

It will fit an average size neck, and the colors can be customized!

~~~

Hope this helps! Many happy sales to Rena!

Get those delete keys primed, it's Saturday Writing Critique time again!

Today we're going to mix it up with Marion, of Artmixer, who creates an eclectic and mesmerizing mix of fiber art and mixed media designs.

Marion's going to give us another chance to talk about the "lede." The term refers to the very first sentence of a story, which is, in my opinion, the most important thing you'll ever have to write. (Yes, it's pronounced "lead," and no, I'm not spelling it wrong. Old timey journalists changed the spelling so we wouldn't get it mixed up with the lead typesetting used in the printing presses! Clever bastards.)

As a newspaper reporter, I know that most readers are probably not going to read beyond the first sentence unless I grab their attention. So I've got bad news for 99 percent of Etsy sellers: By the time you're done saying "Hello! Welcome to my brand new shop!" you've already lost them.

If you want to learn how to write a lede, pick up the nearest newspaper and look at the first sentences. What did they write? Did it grab your attention? I can almost guarantee you will see one of two styles - a straight-ahead information packed lede, or a playful lede that picks out something interesting and tries to intrigue you. Either one is respectable, and can certainly be adopted for the Etsy sales context

So, with that in mind, let's take a look at Marion's shop announcement:

~~~

Welcome to my shop, where you'll find all sorts of things, from fiber art to oil paintings, from hand made books and journals to mixed media. And even the odd piece of handdyed cloth, so you can make your own magical art works! Paintings are gradually moving to my other shop http://purelypainting.etsy.com; please check it out! My blog is http://artmixter.blogspot.com for more info about me and the work. I'm convo and trade friendly...talk to me, you know you want to! And check out the reduced price section...original artwork at less than my usual prices (I need the space!). I will be away until Tuesday 6 May, so nothing will be dealt with until then; sorry for any inconvenience.

~~~

Now, when I look at some of Marion's pieces, especially her art quilts, I think, "Wow, wouldn't that look great hanging in my living room?" That is exactly what you want a buyer to think, and your lede can help you implant that idea in their head. The sentence will be nice and simple in structure, but will hopeful remind the buyer that, "Oh yeah, the guest bedroom really needs some brightening up..."

I'm also going to do some general clean-up with her other sentences. They need to be shorter, they need some spaces to breath, and it's after May 6, so let's dump the unnecessary apology.

My rewrite:

~~~

Add a shot of color and energy to your home with my beautiful, one-of-a-kind fiber artworks and quilts.

Discover a little treasure, like my hand-made journals and mini artworks (ACEOs), or even create your own magic with my hand-dyed cloth cards, made to order! Also, don't forget to grab a steal from my reduced price section!

Check out my other shop: http://purelypainting.etsy.com

And my blog: http://artmixter.blogspot.com

~~~

I think that ideally, your shop announcement should be brief, informative and draw your buyers in. Some people prefer to have next to nothing there. Either way, it's the very first thing they see, so please, please don't bore them. At best, they will enter your store knowing a little bit about what you do and wanting to see more. After that, it's time for your pictures do their magic. Good luck.

Dust off that dictionary, it's Saturday Writing Critique time again!

Today JeweledBlossoms is going to be under the microscope. It's clear that she's not lying when she says on her profile that she's "a romantic at heart." Her descriptions are sweet, personal and have a style all of their own - just like her simple, beautiful jewelry.

In fact, Jeweled does a great job of expressing her own writing "voice." But I must admit, as a newspaper writer, I balk at the length of her descriptions. Can she keep her voice but stay concise? I think it can be done. Here's an example of one of her (shortest) descriptions:

~~~

Oh to walk hand-in-hand, fingertips brushing against each other with shy smiles and hesitant glances. The glorious rush of anticipation and little leaps of the heart as fingertips enfold one another, palms press against the other, as they stroll down the path, wandering aimlessly beneath the sunshine, no destination in mind.

The Simple Pleasures Cuff reminds me of the simplicity and thrill that resides in something as small as holding a loved one's hand. Curved and shaped with tender care from sterling silver, each tear drop shape bound together by a small closely wrapped bundle of sterling silver, like fingers interwoven. Swirls adorn the ends of the bracelet.

This Simple Pleasures Cuff fits a wrist of 6.5-7" and can be created for you at any size. Please specify the length of the bracelet you would like. The last picture features the bracelet with matching earrings which can be purchased separately.

~~~

The bracelet she's describing is so simple and elegant, let's see if we can get a description to match. I'm going to take it line by line and try to cut everything but the essentials. Think of it like a sketch rather than a painting, since we're trying trying to capture attention with just a few words.

I'm especially going to cut down the second paragraph - she already drew connections between the hand-holding and the jewelery in the first paragraph, no need to beat the horse.

Oh, and don't forget that comma after "Oh." Here's my rewrite:

~~~

Oh, to walk hand-in-hand, with fingertips brushing! Strolling aimlessly, exchanging shy smiles and hesitant glances. Hearts leap as palms press together, wandering aimlessly beneath the sunshine.

For me, the Simple Pleasures Cuff captures that thrill. Shaped with tender care from sterling silver, it's like lovers' interwoven fingers. Swirls adorn each end.

This cuff fits a wrist of 6.5-7" and can be created for any size. Please specify the length of the bracelet you would like. The last picture features the bracelet with matching earrings, which can be purchased separately.

~~~

Do you want to get some fun examples of this sort of sales writing? Check out the descriptions in the J. Peterman Catalog. (I would even edit him down a bit, but hey, there's no accounting for taste.)

Run for shelter, there's a mad editor on the loose!

That's right, it's Saturday Critique time again and we're going to be taking the red pen to the writing of Sierra Pelona Crochet. Sierrra makes a mix of hand-crocheted doilies, cat toys and "soft sculptures."

Now, I like Sierra's Etsy shop announcement. It's short, sweet and delivers the goods. If only her item descriptions were the same! I took a look at some of her cute little cat-nip toys, but quickly got bogged down in the description. Have a look:

~~~

Catnip mice! Wow! Your kitties will have a blast with these crocheted catnip mice.

And even if your kitties didn't inherit the gene for responding to catnip, this cute little toy will still be lots of fun for them to bat around and mercilessly attack.

All are stuffed with organically-grown catnip, so your kitties can drool on it as much as they want.

More than one person has told me that their cat tried to open up their purse to get at the mouse, another climbed atop a dresser and tried to open the drawer the mouse was in, and another snuck in through the neighbor cat's cat door to steal his catnip heart! These are true stories!

All mice have white bodies and various colors for ears, eyes and whiskers. This is how I use up my scraps of different colored threads and embroidery flosses, so the colors are always changing. Please inquire about available color combinations; what I've shown is only a sampling.

Mice are approx. 4" long, plus a 3.5" tail.

Shipping price includes $1.65 insurance for US addresses, $1.05 certificate of mailing for non-US addresses.

Please see my Profile for my store policies.

~~~

I understand that there's a temptation to give your customers all the information they could possibly ever need. But the sad truth is, most don't have the attention span to read more than a few lines. Unless they came to you to purchase a novel, you should avoid giving them one.

That doesn't mean you have to skimp on the important facts, however! Let's see if we can't get all of Sierra's information across in a leaner, meaner sales package.

~~~

Cats have a blast with these cute hand-crocheted mice, stuffed full of drool-worthy organic catnip!

I've had reports of cats opening purses, scaling dressers and trying to open drawers to get at these mice. One crafty kitty even snuck in through the neighbor's cat door to steal his crocheted catnip heart!

The mice have white bodies, but ears, eyes and whiskers are made from bits of threads and embroidery flosses in various colors. Please inquire about available color combinations; what I've shown is only a sampling.

Mice are approx. 4" long, plus a 3.5" tail.

Shipping price includes $1.65 insurance for US addresses, $1.05 certificate of mailing for non-US addresses.

Please see my Profile for my store policies.

~~~

And a note about pictures: Sierra's photos are sharp and really get the product across. But I would suggest she start using editing software to cut a lot of the gray, empty space out of them. I like to take in the whole photo at once, without having to spend my day scrolling.

Good luck to her and many happy sales!

Okay, kiddos, break out the red pens - it's Saturday Critique time again!

This week we'll be attacking (I mean, offering constructive criticism to) Mind the Craft, a crafty shop that offers a little bit of everything handmade.

As a professional writer, I'm going to leave well enough alone with her great pictures and go straight after what matters to me most - the words.

Let's have a look at her shop announcement, shall we? She's got some great humor and personality coming through, but it could use to be sharpened up and shortened.

~~~

Thanks for stopping by! Please take a minute to browse around the shop and see all the goodies I have to offer. I'm restless and have to keep my hands busy so they don't carry out the evil schemes rattling around in my brain; it was either world domination or that tissue cozy. As a result, I'm always adding new things to the store, most of which don't fit neatly into a single category.

You can always tell what I'm passionate about/obsessed with at the moment-- the store will be full of whatever is holding my interest, though it seems my tendency is to craft accessories of all kinds (Come for the felt appliqué pillows. Stay for my world-(in)famous paint-chip pocketbooks!). Sorry the descriptions are a little bare bones. Copy sucks.

Will be adding napkins, placemats, and other goodies soon--I know, I've said that before but this time I promise. X my heart, hope to craft.

~~~

MindtheCraft has got a couple of good one-liners in there. I say, put them out front and create a great lede (that's what we in the newspaper biz call the first line of the story). She's got several sentences that strike me as repetitive - so let's strike them out. No need to hammer people. Also, let's junk the apologies; making sales is about exuding confidence. When is the last time you saw a car salesman begin a pitch by apologizing to you?

Here's my rewrite:

~~~

Come for the felt appliqué pillows. Stay for my world-(in)famous paint-chip pocketbooks!

MindtheCraft is full of whatever is holding my interest at the moment! I'm restless and have to keep my hands busy so they don't carry out the evil schemes rattling around in my brain; it was either world domination or that tissue cozy!

Check back often - there will be more napkins, placemats, and other goodies all the time. I promise. X my heart, hope to craft.

~~~

~~~

Oh, and a note about avatars? They are an important part of your "branding" and can attract potential buyers, especially if you are hanging around in the forums. MindtheCraft has a funny little picture, but unfortunately it's black and white and doesn't give a sense of what she makes. Since her name doesn't describe her product, I think she should consider using a picture of her work (like maybe the beautiful, and colorful, pocketbook at the top). An avatar is free advertising - make it work for you!

Welcome to the very first Saturday Critique! I'll be focusing today on the fun and fabulous tile and ceramic work of Barb Jensen, from Portland, Oregon. Barb has a great product and nice photos, but not a lot of sales! So let's see what else can be done to spiff up her shop a bit.

First off, the banner.

Barb's banner is functional, but that's about it. My eyes skipped right over it. She has wonderful, energetic and eye-catching images on her tile pieces - let's see them the moment we visit her store. Barb could hire one of the many Etsy artists who create banners to give her a make-over, or try to do it herself. I use photoshop elements, and in this case I would probably cut a 100x760 pixel slice out of one of her tile photos (maybe get the face of that cute little pig in there) and then write her name on it in a contrasting color. Something to get me smiling and interested the second I come in.

Next, the shop announcement:

~~~

I make tile for installation in bathrooms, kitchens and fireplace surrounds. People often buy singles to use as trivets or to hang on the wall. That's what this site is all about.

View my full tile catalog at http://jensenandmarineau.com

See my husband's shop with pots and sculptures at http://mickmarineau.etsy.com

Find out what's happening in the studio:
http://artfordailylife.blogspot.com

*view my profile for shipping policy details

~~~

Good info, but could use a couple of touch-ups. I don't know what a "fireplace surround" is, could we say "around a fireplace"? The sentence "That's what this site is all about" is superfluous - and there's nothing a newspaper writer hates more than that. I would trash it. I might also move the links to the hubbie's shop and blog to the profile page - lets get straight to the goods.

Also, here's an idea for Barb to consider: I just love tile, but I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to install it myself! I would feel turned off by the potential hassle. Offering easy-to-follow installation instructions with each purchase would be a big attraction to the DIY buyer, I think. A sentence to that effect could go in the shop announcement and in each product description.

Barb also offers these sweet little drinking cups. The picture draws me in, but the description doesn't hold my attention. Barb says:

~~~

The 'soba' in the name means 'noodle' in Japanese. I have some antique soba cups that are rather small for eating noodles, which makes me wonder if the name may refer to a vessel for a dipping sauce that goes with noodles.
This cup is much bigger than the classic soba cup, measuring about 3 1/2 ' x 3 1/2" and holding a full two cups of liquid. It's my husband's favorite cup; for water, juice, soup, ice cream, and whiskey.

~~~

Rather than focus on the history of Soba cups, I believe the description should answer the question, "Why do I want to buy this?" Plus, we want it short and sweet. Here's my rewrite:

~~~

These beautiful, hand decorated cups are inspired by traditional Japanese 'soba' (noodle) cups. Larger than the traditional antiques (some of which are small enough to be used for dipping sauce), my creations are a household favorite for water, juice, soup ice cream or whiskey.

Each measures about 3 1/2 ' x 3 1/2" and holds a full two cups of liquid.

~~~

Hope this helps! Good luck to Barb and many happy sales!

If you'd like to be one of my brave volunteers, visit my blog, In the Night Kitchen and leave a comment with a link to your shop on the latest critique. That's all there is to it!

Note: I don't search through archived comments, so if you don't get picked, you need to leave a new comment on the latest post to be reconsidered. I'll try to give preference to repeat requests!