Self-Esteem: What It Is and How You Can Get Some

Self-Esteem is a powerful source of personal strength. With self-esteem, you are free to choose how you feel about your self, what you think about your self, and how you behave.

Sounds pretty magical doesn't it? Usually, when people talk about self-esteem they describe something that sounds magical. If you listen, you get the idea they've found a way to be happy and they want you to be happy too.

But just like many other things in life, it's often "easier said than done." My dad used to tell me how to fish, but it just sounded like "fish stories" to me until I went fishing with him and actually caught my first fish. Then I knew why he was so excited and what it meant to "go fishing." I'll never forget how hungry I got that day, how good the sandwiches tasted, and how much we laughed when it rained. Going fishing is much more than baiting a hook, reeling in the line, and unhooking the fish. Going fishing is also a way of thinking. You can tell that by the way people who go tell their "fish stories."

Self-esteem is a lot like fishing. You know when someone hasn't had the experience. You know what it's like to want the experience and you know how things have changed when you've had the experience. But it's pretty hard to share it with others until they've had a chance to experience it. That's why we take them along, isn't it?

So, what is self-esteem? Self-esteem has to do with liking yourself. Self-esteem comes from being able to look at your self in the mirror and like what you see.

Albert Bandura, a famous psychologist who describes self-esteem very well, explains that we learn to have self-esteem in relationships with others. That's why self-esteem isn't magic. Even if we have self-esteem, relationships are still relationships with fun and disappointments too. But self-esteem makes relationships more enjoyable because we have the ability to appreciate ourselves even if the others in our relationships don't appreciate how we're different.

For example, your parents might disagree with you about some of the decisions you've made in life. But if you can look in the mirror and see the you that made the decisions you made knowing that you accept your reasons, wants, and needs that led to you making the decisions, you like your self. Then you have self-esteem.

Self-esteem is a little more complicated than that though. That's because we are more complex than simply being a son or daughter, husband or wife, father or mother, brother or sister. We're all of those things and more. In other words, we have many different social roles, or many different social "selves."

As a result, we have many different sides to our selves, or many different faces. That's what makes self-esteem more difficult to understand. Once we learn that we need to learn to like the "self" behind the different social roles we have, we begin to understand that we really are unique and we are deserving of love....the self-acceptance kind of love.

Of course, we also discover that how we behave makes a difference to us. For instance, it is possible to disappoint ourselves by acting in ways that go against our own values. That's why learning how to fulfill each of our social roles is so important.

Here's an example. I'm still a son while I'm a husband and sometimes, those roles conflict. My mom lives in Colorado and we live in Michigan. We have children and grand children in Michigan. Some holidays we're in Michigan and some holidays we're in Colorado. Someone is disappointed nearly every holiday. But I can't be in two places at once.

So, I helped others know I love them even when we're not together every holiday. That way my mother knows I love her like a son and my grandchildren know I love them like a grandfather.

I fill both roles by helping others understand I have more than one role. That way, I'm the same guy in the mirror no matter where I am at Christmas.

You gain self-esteem by mastering skills that help you meet your needs. Many of us know what it's like to learn to dress ourselves, bathe ourselves, make our own beds, clean our rooms, and go to school. If you think about it, those are very complex tasks that require someone to show you how to do them, practice, and a bit of experimenting to get good results.

When a child learns how to do those things, the parent starts teaching the child the simplest lessons first. Then when the child is ready, the parent shows the child how to do things that are a little more complicated, but use the skills the child has already mastered in new ways.

As a result, the child learns to be confident about her ability to copy her mother or father, brother or sister, friend or teacher. The child also learns to like trying new things, imagining new possibilities, and succeeding at new things. When everything is working just right, the parent and child find delight in the child's discovery that she is learning how to learn. As the parent enjoys and esteems the child's sense of discovery and achievement, the child copies the parents' pleasure. In other words, the child esteems her self.

Self-efficacy is the belief in your own ability to do something. Notice I said self-efficacy is the belief you have the ability to do something. Bandura said people have self-efficacy "in the general sense." Or that people may have a belief that they are generally capable of doing things like managing their routine for the day or week.

A child who is ten or twelve years old is sure she can bathe herself, pick out her clothes, decide what type of food she likes, make her bed, and clean her room. She even believes she knows the rules of childhood games and how to pick her own friends. In other words, she has a general sense of self-efficacy.

Bandura also described other forms of self-efficacy. These are types of self-efficacy that are for special skill sets. For instance, you may have dancing self-efficacy, or math self-efficacy, or dating self-efficacy.

Remember, self-efficacy is the belief you can do something. In other words, you may believe you can dance, or you can do math, or you know how to date. These special forms of self-efficacy do not mean you know how to do those activities well or even do them at all. They simply mean you believe in your abilities.

Why does this matter? Self-efficacy is an essential component of self-esteem.

Here's a tip. Remember that we all learn how to do things at our own pace. Just like young children, we learn certain skills first before we learn more advanced skills. A child learns to talk before she learns to write. Once she learns to write, she may learn how to edit her writing and that of her friends.

If you think about self-efficacy as a belief about a set of skills and how general self-efficacy is a combination of beliefs about your ability to do many different things, then you're on the way to understanding how to help your children acquire self-esteem by mastering different skills beginning with simple tasks and progressing on to more complex tasks.

We all get surprised once in awhile. Sometimes it's best we don't act on our first impulse. If we do, we could make things worse.

Self-regulation is the ability to choose our actions. Bandura described how self-regulation is important in our relationships with others. He explained how our ability to think about what we are feeling, the situation at hand, and how others will respond to our behavior is a way we can shape our own behavior in social situations.

Bandura also described how this same ability allows us to compare what might happen if we use one behavior with what might happen if we use another behavior. Think about the advantages we have with our ability to self-regulate.

You know how things go if you shout at your teacher or the boss. They turn out very different if you "take a few deep breaths and think things over" before you tell them what you think.

The same thing is true with our health. If you eat convenience foods everyday, you get one set of results. If you plan ahead and prepare your own food, you get very different results.

Both the example of talking with your boss and choosing what you eat are examples of self-regulation. They are learned behaviors.

Children need to learn how to self-regulate. Parents can teach their children how o self-regulate by showing them how to behave in situations that require "thinking before you speak" and when "picking out what you want to eat."

In order to get results, it's best to show children the different types of results they get with different behaviors before you tell them they can "choose" for themselves. The idea is, parents are more effective when they teach children how to behave in ways that which give them self-efficacy so they build self-confidence before holding them responsible for their choices.

Sounds pretty easy, doesn't it?

It's a little more complicated than that because children (and adults) learn best when they esteem themselves for their performance.

In other words, a little success for you (and your children, your friends, or your boss) and the experience of esteeming yourself for having the success goes a long ways toward preparing you to self-regulate when it's necessary.

You learn by observing others, imitating them, and rehearsing what you have observed. A little trial and error experimenting helps too!

Have you ever watched a child learn how to tie shoes? Children watch their parents and their older siblings tie their shoes for a long time before they ever try to tie their own shoes.

When they do begin trying to tie their own shoes, they get frustrated easily. They also enjoy copying the finger movements of the person showing them how to tie the bow.

One of the reasons they get frustrated is their brains are still developing the ability to imagine things in space. So they don't know how to imagine something and then turn it upside down or backwards in their imagination. At the age children learn how to tie their shoe, they're also learning which hand is left and which hand is right.

If you want to teach a young child how to tie her shoes, it's helpful to kneel behind the standing child and reach around her so she can watch you tie her shoes right side up and without having to know the difference between left and right.

You can help children build their self-esteem by helping them master their ability to perform age appropriate activities. You can be very influential in a child's development by exposing them to role models who are just a little bit older than they are so they can observe the way the older children behave, imagine themselves behaving that way, imitate them, and experiment with new skills. In this way, you help the children develop mastery, which includes self-efficacy. As you help the children acquire self-efficacy by mastering age appropriate skills, you help them learn to self-regulate their feelings, their thoughts, ad their behaviors. Gradually, they build self confidence and the knowledge that they have not only mastered the skills of self-regulation and interacting with others, but they have also learned they have the ability to learn how to problem-solve in complex social situations. You hav helped them acquire self-esteem.

Teenagers face adult situations. This means they need to use the skills they have to solve problems that are much more complex than the skills allow. Teenagers also need to learn from observing peers who are near their own age and from young adults. The same principles of learning that help young children acquire self-esteem work when helping teenagers acquire self-esteem with a couple exceptions.

One of those is the way teenagers face adult situations. The other is the skills the teenagers already have. Sometimes teenagers "are too smart for their own good" which means they believe that just because they have observed it or can imagine it they can do it. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

Adult behaviors in some social situations are much more complex than they appear. Teenagers don't necessarily recognize this. As a result, teenagers need to have opportunities to learn in peer groups that have the necessary support for the inevitable challenges they face in coming to terms with their failures. Teenagers acquire their self-esteem by mastering adult skills especially learning how to self-regulate in a world of many possible solutions to those complex social problems they face.

You can help a teenager learn how to acquire self-esteem by helping the teenager learn while participating in small groups. Group size influences the number of possible role models. In some situations too many role models means too many possibilities and too many possibilities increases anxiety, worry, and fear. Those emotions interfere with new learning.

That is why self-regulation is so important. When person whether she is a child, a teenager, or an adult has the confidence to face a new situation, then she has the ability to experiment with what she has observed, imagine herself using different solutions to a problem, and imagine different outcomes. In other words, she has an opportunity to learn how to remain confident when confronted with the unexpected.

If a teenager who is "too smart for her own good' has too many role models at once she experiences confusion. If prolonged, that confusion can interfere with acquiring the necessary skills which may lead to what we call low self-esteem, or high levels of self-doubt.

As teenagers become increasingly self-confident in complex social situations, they become more capable of self-regulating when they are in the presence of large groups of their age peers. In other words, it is less frightening for them to be observed by large numbers of people who may or may not approve of them. In other words, we say they have self-esteem.

Parents are influential. They can make a big difference in the lives of their children. They can expose their children to situations that gradually increase in difficulty, but do so as they master each before progressing to the next. Some people call this "scaffolding" or providing support until the child has learned to stand on her own feet.

Parents who understand self-efficacy, self-regulation, and self-esteem know the value of helping children learn how to succeed at simple tasks. They also know the importance of helping the child learn how to master complex challenges by teaching the child how to choose from the range of possibilities. It's a little like looking at the shoes you have in the closet and then looking at the outfits you have. You get to mix and match. But you know you need to mix and match based on where you're going, what you'll do when you get there, what the weather is like, who you'll see, and how you feel about yourself among other things.

You also want to pick the shoes and your outfit to go with the way you want to feel while your there and after you've been come home. That requires you have the ability to self-regulate. In other words, you need to be able to accept the "consequences of your actions."

So, parents need to know that they're helping their children develop self-efficacy, self-regulation, and self-esteem when they help their children. Parents influence their child's sense of self by helping children look in the mirror and like what they see.

As an adult, you know you are better at some things than you are at others. Some of your friends have mastered those skills that you haven't but haven't mastered those you have.

You also know some of the social situations that you face require you to fill different roles. You might be familiar with the sensation that you "wear many different hats." This is because you are a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, a mother, an employee, or an employer.

If you want to understand self-esteem and adulthood, it is helpful to understand self-efficacy. Remember, self-efficacy is the belief that you can do something. If you have self-efficacy for a situation, you have the ability to esteem yourself in that situation.

Think about it this way. An adult needs self-efficacy as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, a mother, an employee, or an employer in order to have self-esteem in each of those roles. She may even have self-efficacy for "changing her mind."

As an adult, you need to learn from others too. This means you need a scaffold, maybe more than one. You might need a scaffold while you learn how to parent and another scaffold while you learn how to lead a team at work. Another name for a scaffold is "mentor" or "friend."

Groups are filled with people who have different types of skills and abilities. Even if the members of the group are within a few years of each other in age, the members of the group may not have mastered the same skills as each other. Some may be better at listening, others may be better at identifying possibilities, and still others may be better at talking. If the group needs to plan together and do the work the group plans together, you'll see people fill different roles in the group.

What does this mean for you and your self-esteem? It means you need to understand the reason why the people are in the group together. It also means you need to understand what the group is trying to accomplish.

Wait, there's more. You will find more satisfaction if you know how the members of the group work together. In other words, you will find it more rewarding to know what the roles are that each group member fills and how those roles meet the needs of the group.

Notice I said how the roles of the group members meet the needs of the group. That's because a group is effective when it works toward the goals of the group.

You can achieve a great deal in a group, if you know what the goals are, what the activities are, and what the roles are for members of the group. This is because you can pick your own role models and learn by observing, mentally rehearsing, and imitating what works in the group.

But be careful.

If you want the group to succeed and you want to succeed in the group, then you'll want to pick role models that have the necessary skills to do the job and the goal of helping the group succeed. If you pick someone as a role model who gives their own interests greater priority than the group goals and they behave in ways that interfere with the group reaching its goals, then you'll be learning your role from people who are failing in their work. That's a formula for poor self-confidence and low self-esteem.