You Might Be a Writer If...

You have a hole in the seat of your pajamas and the postman knows . . . but you don't. Romance means finding a way to keep two people apart for at least 10 chapters. Herring is always red. If you remember to take the trash out, it's never the right day. Character describes an ongoing multiple-personality disorder and not your personal ethics. The bookstore cashier knows your full name and phone number by heart, but you have to show ID at the grocery store. Internal Conflict has nothing to do with your parents and doesn't mean you need a shrink. External Conflict, once discovered, makes you giddy with excitement. Standing on a scale makes you wonder if Olympic Swimming might have been a better career choice.

Criticism is something you hope for before publication, and try to ignore after publication. Feedback doesn't mean your holding the microphone wrong, but can be just as painful. Bad memories are a gold mine. Dialogue is the manifestation of all the voices jabbering in your head. Font has nothing to do with knowledge, but makes you feel technically stupid. A Galley isn't a place to eat on the high seas, but proof you actually sold a book. A Hero is a guy you continually try to flaw. A Heroine is the gal you keep making miserable. Air, water and food are second to chocolate, caffeine, and a really good pen. The last conversation you had was with an imaginary person. A Hook has nothing to do with fishing, and everything to do with sleep deprivation. A Style Guide is not a measure of how good you look, but how much you don't know. A muse is not one word.

Plot isn't where the body is buried, but how they died. Tone has nothing, and everything, to do with your voice. Pacing isn't a nervous habit A script isn't what Aunt Sally gets filled at the pharmacy, but your blood, sweat, and tears. Narrative gives you nightmares about William Shatner Outline is not evidence of what size underwear you're wearing. A partial might actually help you earn the money to pay your dental bill. Point-of-View really has nothing to do with what you think, but which head your in. You can't remember what you last ate, but the empty plate still isn't washed. Proof is easier to plant, than it is to do. Setting has absolutely nothing to do with how many you expect for dinner. You suddenly break off conversation and start scribbling on anything handy. Voice is something you have to discover-no matter how long you've been able to speak. Blocks are not the foundation of fifty stories. Bed and breakfast describes your office space. Compliments about your style don't address the last of the clean laundry you're currently wearing.