YULETIDE YUK YUKS

"Crabby Christmas Carols" are exactly what Maxine, (that Moxie Maven of Mirth and Goddess of Gripe) had in mind this holiday.

If she could get out of her contract with Hallmark Cards for one day, long enough to enjoy a hot cider, hot cocoa, and hot flashes, she'd probably tell us her favorite hymns for the holidays:

"Deck the Halls With Sows and Brollies" -- An ode to bumbershoots, the best weapons of mass destruction around especially when used to whomp some sense into the heads of wicked whippersnappers, and to my favorite animal, "the hog"!

"The Twelve Days of Catastrophic Christmas" -- It's about time someone told those leaping Lords where they can go, not to stuffing a sock in those patronizing pipers piping, and finally sending that pouting partridge in the pear tree back to the pet shop from whence it came!

Frosty the Frigging Snowman -- Frankly anyone who has two eyes of coal, a carrot for a nose, and a godawful grin on his face is not my idea of a playmate!

According to "Humor Matters", the top ten Christmas Carols for the psychologically-challenged include:

1. "Do You Hear What I Hear" - Schizophrenia

2. "We Three Kings Disoriented Are" - Multiple Personality

3. "I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas" - Dementia

4. "Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)" - Narcisstic

5. "Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me" - Paranoia

6. "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why" - Personality Disorder

7. "Silent Anhedonia. Holy Anhedonia. All is calm. All is Pretty Lonely" - Depresssion

8. "Thoughts of Roasting On An Open Fire" - Borderline Personality

9. "Silent Night" - Passive/Aggressive

10. "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...(you get the idea)" - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Remember the time you received that flashing Christmas tree sweater from Granny, those houndstooth slippers from your long-lost English cousin Samantha Tooting-Beck, or that bizarre book entitled, "Arresting Disclosures. A Report on the Strange Findings in Undergarments Washed with Soap and Water, and Popularly Supposed to be Clean, Fresh and Wholesome", (a token of affection from the four-legged furry feline in your home that goes by the name of "SnitFit")?

Fear not, for there is finally something you can do with all these misfit, misbegotten, or misunderstood gifts of good cheer.

The "Regifting" ritual is now quite fashionable, though it often goes by different names. So when the winter blahs and blues are getting you down, it may be time to organize a White Elephant Party or an "Ugly Christmas Sweater Affair". Send out your funky invitations to family members, friends, and perhaps even a foe or two asking them to join you in unloading all those unloved "Gifts from the Grinch" on others at your post-holiday hullabaloo.

Think of it as a simply superb opportunity to honor all the "holiday humbugs", "penny-pinchers" and "chic cheapskates" in our life and a marvellous way to celebrate "the gifts that keep on giving"! Besides it's a great way to display a curious collection of godawful goodies that can be exchanged with oodles of glee, tea (or a tankard if you prefer), and smarmy sympathy.

Remember if you're going to "regift", make sure you take the time to sort through all your holiday gifts to decide what you really want, like, and need. The remainder go to charity, the flea market and those to whom you wish to pass along the spirit of serendipity. Hint: Make sure the giftees possess a funnybone with which to enjoy your delightful dud!

Everyone knows that it's Santa's reindeers who bear the brunt of all the hard work on December 24th. You know, those beasts of burden that pull his sleigh around every year through sleet and snow, desert dust storms and the odd flood or two to deliver tons of toys to good little girls and boys.

For those of you who can't recall their names, let alone hold a tune here goes: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Blizten and the one with the red-nose, "Rudoloph".

What few people know is what they're chatting about as they fly through the air on Christmas Eve.

Thanks to a super-sensitive digital voice recorder tucked away in the sleigh installed by the Christmas Grinch...here's what the reindeers really have to say:

Dasher: "Marathons aren't my style; I prefer to hit the homes and run. But Santa takes his sweet time climbing down those chimneys so now I have to cool my hoofs...which is why I'm not in a festive mood!!!"

Dancer: "The only thing that gets me through this arduous night is being able to operate a profitable Arthur Murray franchise the other 364 days of the year!"

Prancer: "Of course I like to gad about, I mean this is the only chance I get to strut my hot stuff all around the globe without any backseat comments!"

Vixen: "Just because I'm the only female reindeer on this team doesn't mean Santa's an equal-opportunity employer."

Comet: "Look officer, I was only doing the speed of light...it was the other klutzy cosmic critters who were slowing me down!"

Cupid: "I've got enough to do on Valentine's day...how come I have to do this gruelling gig every year?"

Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed Reindeer: "Whoa there fellas, I need a break -- think I'll have another nip from St. Nick's flask...I'm sure he won't mind!"

The folks at Jones Soda, (the U.S.-based purveyor of funky-flavored fizzy water) certainly know how to package a little punch when it comes to the ho-ho-ho holiday season!

Last year's silly seasonal pack included "Green Pea", "Sweet Potato", "Dinner Roll", "Turkey & Gravy", and "Antiacid" sparkling sodas.

And 2005 was no slouch season for silly sodas either judging from the laughable lineup including: "Salmon Pate", "Broccoli Casserole", "Corn on the Cob", "Turkey & Gravy", and "Pecan Pie".

What would the festive season be without a bit of prickly punch to wash down a dashing duck, a gourmet goose or a plucked pigeon?

This year's thrills for the thirsty theologically-neutral include: "Sugar Plum", "Egg Nog", "Christmas Tree" and "Christmas Ham".

Hanukkah holidayers can enjoy kosher-contents including caffeine free fizzies with such lovely labels as "Jelly Donut", "Apple Sauce", "Chocolate Coins" and "Latkes Sodas".

The real question what are the "2007 Year of the Pig" practitioners supposed to guzzle down in the absence of an "Oink-Oink Soda"?