Zombie Guide To Survival

You kinda feel dumb for going to Starbucks TODAY, don't you.

All you wanted was your vente soy latte and some nosh, but you got a festering bite instead.

And now you're the undead. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Oh well, better make the best of it. If you're going to survive, you're going to need my help.

Pretty quickly you're going to start feeling awful, and depending on how virulent this outbreak is, you're not going to be feeling much of anything soon...

except HUNGER!

Before you can start running in the street with hundreds of your closest new friends and checking in on Foursquare as the Mayor of what used to be that great calzone place but is now the best spot to devour human flesh, you're going to need some tools.

See, there's a common misconception that zombies are mindless, brain-eating fools, but that's why the dumb people always get eaten in the movies:

THEY UNDERESTIMATE THE ZOMBIES.

Your new colleagues may be dopes, but that doesn't mean you have to be.

So, first off, you need to get some new threads, or at least check your closet for appropriate zombie attire.

We're not talking flashy, exotic or sexy. You aren't a vampire. We're talking practical, because you're just a shambling mouth monster.

See, you'll spend some time futilely trying to tend to your wounds, but once the zombie juice takes hold, it's all over.

You're stuck with a palid tint to your flesh, and a wound that will never heal. Covering it in bandages does no good because it tells everyone around you that you've been bitten.

Bloody Gauze = Zombie Bite = Gratuitous Small Arms Fire (or GSAF, and that's if you're lucky)

No, you're going to need to cover up, son.

Zombie bites are like tattoos. They're great when you're showing off to your friends (Hey, Phil, check out my new jugular rip - Oh, I mean PLALARARLARGH!), but generally most people don't want or need to see them. If you find zombie groupies, great, show em off (and maybe eat them last, good allies are hard to find), but for the most part, you want to cover those bad boys up.

Note: Don't try to pass off zombie bites as tattoos. Once people get panicked, no ones going to fall for that and you'll be on the receiving end of some GSAF.

Long pants and long sleeves are essential. These will help you blend in at a distance, and maybe buy you precious seconds to close in and get to feasting on your fellow human beings.

You don't have to match, but the cleaner and less torn your clothes are, the better. Over time, it won't matter too much because the survivors will look like hell too, and if you don't go around flailing your arms and moaning all the time (I'm looking at you, Bub), you might just get away with looking like one of them.

What about neck bites?

One word.

BAM, Turtlenecks.

Fashionable, hip and will hide your monstrous throat lacerations.

No one will be the wiser.

What about head bites?

Well, hmm.

Scarves? Balaclavas? Paper Bags?

(By the way, if you manage to kill a survivor wearing a paper bag mask, the other zombies think that stuff is hi-larious!)

Nope, coolest way is probably a motorcycle helmet. As a bonus, you could dress up in a race suit or leathers and look good while hiding the fact that you're oozing pus and blood from a dozen bites. Fabulous.

Shoes - They should match, and there should be two of them.

Nothing gives away a zombie like missing a shoe. If you get cacked by zombies and a shoe falls off, take the time to put it back on. This little detail will make it easier to blend in when you're off having a nice lurch through the park, or airport or wherever.

If you got a foot eaten off, well, that's a problem.

Tough break, Stumpy.

Whatever you do, start your rampage through the streets off on the right foot (except for Stumpy there) and get those bites covered and out of sight.

Looking the part is one thing, but you're going to have to work on your speech and body language if you're going to fool anyone to let you get close enough.

Let's try some exercises. Repeat after me:

Say: "Excuse me, can you help me?"

BRARALARGH

No: "Excuse me, can you h-?

GRRBRARALARGH!

Hmm: "Excuse me."

GRR

"Can You"

BRAR

"Help me"

ALARGH

...

This is hopeless.

Pretty soon your tongue and vocal cords will start to atrophy and you won't be capable of much besides horrible "shoot me" noises (which is like ringing a dinner bell, if the bell was a shotgun and dinner was double-ought buckshot.)

You're probably better off just keeping your mouth shut, becau-

GRR-BRAR-ALARGH?

No, just forget it! It doesn't matter, alright?!

Let's move on to diction. No, skip it.

Let's move on to body language.

Just like before when you weren't a festering mound of goo-weeping flesh, you needed good posture. Good posture shows confidence, charisma, athleticism and power. It also says "I'm not a zombie, please don't fill me with GSAF".

The zombies who will get picked off in the open will move in a herky-jerky motion, dragging their feet, hunched over, not moving their arms enough (or too much, Bub, too much). In general, you look like your fine motor control has gone out the window.

Which it has, as your body struggles between decay and rigor mortis, not to mention whatever injuries you sustained in getting zombified in the first place. (Vampires catch all the breaks, what with the snappy threads and regeneration and all).

Anyway, you want to focus on looking more living as you stand and move. Concentrate on...

Okay, poor choice of words.

TRY to stand up straight. Don't wobble or sway. When you step, try to put your feet out before you, counterbalancing naturally with your arms (TOO MUCH, Bub), and then take another step. You aren't shambling, you're walking.

Gliding.

Sashaying.

Light on your feet, nimble as a deer, floating like you're on a ok I can see this isn't going to happen.

Fine.

Ok, if you can't control your motion and balance at least try not to drool all over the place.

...

We're all doomed.

That's ok, I can still use this to my advantage. I will discuss this more in Part 4.

Hey, there's some survivors.

I'll just shuffle, I mean WALK over... and say FRAGGERARLERRGL

Got my turtleneck on.

Keeping the moaning and foot dragging to a minimum.

Lookin' good!

BOOM! DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA! PEWPEWPEWPEW!

*whistling*

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!11!!

After you climb out of the crater, make a quick 180 and lurch the hell outta there. FRAGGERARLERRGL, indeed!

It looks like you're selling, but they aren't buying, unless they're paying in lead.

Survivors are a bit touchy about their pristine living flesh, and have a tendency to get armed pretty quickly, if they aren't already armed to the teeth. Making the mistake that you will blend is a good way to get...

Wait a minute, was that a MORTAR round?

Are you GALRARGHGLIN kidding me?!

Where did the meat monkeys get that kind of firep...oh crap, he's loading another shell. Let's talk at the calzone place.

(SEVEN MINUTES OF SHAMBLING LATER)

Ok, that's better. MMM, calzones, I mean BRAIIIIIIINS, I mean LARGRRLAGH!

The first thing you gotta realize is, assuming that the Livies won't let you enter their compound (which is a pretty good assumption), you're going to have to find prey that isn't armed.

Humans tend to be pretty soft and squishy, which would cause all sorts of creatures to gobble them up. Humans have technology, however, which separates them from other prey animals, and makes them predators instead.

Humans have spent a lot of time developing weapon technology. They've done a hell of a job, because it works really, really well.

Just like in the wild, color, size and other adaptations tell predators to back off.

This is no different with human weapons, as they will brandish them when threatened, as if to say "Stay away zombies!" and if they are spooked, then they will act like a spitting cobra or similar beast and launch an airborne deterrent and irritant. In the humans' case, we call that airborne deterrent and irritant

"Ordinance"

Now, that's not to say that humans haven't mastered the ability to create physical augmentations as well. These include everything from body armor to melee weapons.

If you see humans with these adaptations, you should stay away, no matter how delicious their brains may smell.

Decoys

Humans are also jerks, and will often dangle unadorned, obviously unarmed Livies in an open area to suck out all the zombies and then have themselves a zombie shoot. This is like putting a ham in front of a dog and then wapping it in the face with a rolled up newspaper.

Full of GSAF.

There's not much to be done about this. If given a choice, you gotta go after the non-body-armor-wearing, not-a-chainsaw-carrying, not-makes-Clint-Eastwood-look-like-Raggedy-Andying, preferably tripping and screaming easy prey, as opposed to the other kind (that goes boom just a few moments before you go boom).

Go after the easier prey, but keep your eyes open. Whatever's left of them.

Oh, and humans always seem to have, or can inexplicably make, explosives.

Explosives. Sweet, tapdancing GLALRAGL!

You are now part of an exclusive club, and you should treat your fellow braineaters with the consideration and dignity that they des-

AHAHAHAHA! Heeheeheeheehee! Oh, man, I almost got all the way through that. aheh heh. aheh. Whew.

Let's face it.

Being a zombie sucks, but you're going to have to pull it together if you're going to survive.

Just because you are a bunch of mindless bloodletters doesn't mean you can't be civilized about it.

The key to working with other zombies is to be selfless. It seems like more than ever it's a zombie-eat-man kinda world out there, and if you don't strike first, you don't get the tastiest brains, but keep in mind, (what's left of it,) that you should be more like the lion than the hyena - lazy, but with just enough force to get what you want after everyone else has done the heavy lifting.

Remember our wonderful movement workshop we did earlier?

Forget everything I said about that.

I think you all SHOULD CHARGE IN GARBLING AND FLAILING AND RARGLARBLE BLOODY MURDER!!!

(Not you, Bub, hold up).

Get in there and eat some brains! I saw a tasty little compound about 4 minutes (seven minutes by shamble) thataway, and they're just begging to GET EATEN! All you gotta do is RUSH IN THERE AND EAT THEM!

(Wait, Bub, wait).

They're not armed, and they were tripping and screaming all over the place. GO GET 'EM!

(Ha, Bub, I told them they weren't armed...Bub? Bub, where'd you go?)

(Horde of zombies floods out of calzone place, led by Bub)

(Facepalm)

Oh well, I got what I wanted. Like I said, you gotta be selfless when you're a zombie.

Let your new friends go in and enjoy the first morsels of manflesh, (if they can avoid getting scattered into bloody chunks in the process). And when my friends are finished (that is, all bloody chunks) and the prey is out of ammo, I'll just saunter in and have a bite of what's left (which will be EVERYONE, ALL FOR ME! AHAHAHAHAhahaha, darnit who slobbered on my calzone!)

If you can still speak, the best thing you can ever tell another zombie is "Oh, no, after you. I insist". If you hear gobbling sounds and no explosions, proceed. If not, wait for the ground to stop shaking, and repeat the process.

Lead from the rear (and bring lots of zombies).

Being a zombie is tough, and surely you would think (if you can anymore) that any bite is a good one. Even so, you can be smart about the type of (unarmed) prey you go after as you don't have a lot of energy, you aren't very fast, and you don't need to work harder than it's worth. Unfortunately, the world is full of donts, with very few viable dos.

Avoid:
Athletes- Athletes can run fast and climb things, and some of them can fight. It's not a good idea to punch a zombie, but I'm not going to be the first to go down if he goes into one of those stances. Even for the non-fighters, they can run, jump and climb and you do all of those things poorly, if at all (sorry Stumpy). Pass.

Guys named Clem (or Zeke or Billy Bob)- Hillbilly mountain-man types look harmless, but they are carrying a shotgun, hunting rifle, sidearm and a copy of the Second Amendment AT ALL TIMES. If they don't like trespassers, claim jumpers, hornswagglers and commies, they're gonna LOVE you (and by love I mean BOOM). They will straight up morph a 12 gauge shotgun out of their arm like a liquid metal Terminator and trade GSAF for satisfaction at your bloody chunks. If they are close to their pickup truck, they are 100 times more dangerous as they will have more firepower inside, blow you to bloody chunks, and drive over the chunks in their truck for good measure.

If you manage to ask their name, and don't spook them with your atrophied tongue and vocal chords, and it's one of the above, shamble in the other direction like someone was chasing you (he's not really chasing you, he has bullets for that).

Scarecrows- See, they look human, but they actually don't have any brains, so there's no point...because he's a scarecrow, right, get it, and scarecrows don't. have. I'm sorry.

Little People, etc.- You might think they're slow and easy to catch, but that's the problem. They can nimbly duck into small, confined spaces (like compounds full of gun-toting people) and evade you. Further, every good compound has a little person as a mascot/good luck charm, and they almost always survive until the end of the movie, along with the Last Girl. Little people are also most likely to be used as bait, which means one moment you're chasing a little person, and then GodBLARGL, you're a spray of bloody chunks. And then the little person dances a jig, just to spite your chunks.

Kids- This goes triple for kids. You think YOU'RE enraged, try chasing a child with a gun-toting adult around. You'll get turned into bloody chunks, then get your chunks stomped on, and then the ground will be set on fire as a warning to non-chunked zombies. If you can't catch a kid in like two seconds after starting the chase, you might as well shoot yourself and save a frothing parent the trouble and gasoline.

Chase:
Big People- Sorry you big-boned, bountiful, BBWs(and BBMs). You are the prime target for zombies. You don't move very fast, can't jump or climb very well, and you get winded easily. WE don't GET winded. Plus, if we catch you, (and we will) there's more of you to love (and by love I mean DEVOUR). The opposite of little people in every way. They ALWAYS get eaten in the movies, and are usually used to play bloated zombies. Might as well just join us now and get it over with.

Well, you're hosed, zombie.

Nice knowing you.

I myself don't expect to last very long, what with my shambling getting more pronounced and my speech becoming more HRARGRBLARG!

Oh my, that was embarrassing.

At least I can pass on this Zombie Guide To Survival to the (slowly) coming new generations. My only hope is that eventually we'll all be zombies, and then we can all coexist again. Or be eaten by wolves. Or just starve to death and then get eaten by wolves. Or maybe we'll be ruled by zombie wolv-

You know what, it doesn't matter. Just be careful out there.

As a final thouARGH, I'd like to thanPLURGH, all of those people that shaped my life, even though their all zBLARGH

GRR

GRRBRARALARGH?