Zut Moon for President 2012

I am about to unveil my platform for the Presidency of the United States of America for 2012.

We have grave issues which is destabilizing our country and making us an embarrassment to the world. The proposals I am now going to discuss with you, My Friends, will start out very serious but, I expect to have a Zut moment somewhere in the course of this, my speech. You may leave the building whenever you are disinterested or upset for this is America - the land of the free.

In the words of that famous American Sailor - I ams what I am!

I am not a Republican. I am not a Democrat. I am an Independent who will not lean toward any party - the parties shall lean toward me.

I know my opponent in 2012 will be Sarah Palin and I, as well as you My Friends, know that she is not The Man for the job.

We continue to spend billions of our dollars on our Space Program. I ask you why - for what purpose? Just to satisfy our curiosity if there is intelligent life out there?

My Friends, let me assure you that there is intelligent life out there. I have hired an Alien Life Form myself and he is indeed intelligent. He works at Zut Radio and is even now broadcasting this speech. I , as your future President, will never lie to you. I will not follow in the footsteps of some of my predecessors.

Think of all the housing we could provide by redirecting the money we spend on our Space Program. In 6 months we can eliminate the need for food stamps. We could help our universities who struggle every year to provide education at a reasonable costs.

Can we do all this - Yes we can.

I, as your President, will ensure the laws for abuse of animals, children and the elderly will be more severe. Gone will be the days of house arrest.

On a first conviction, depending on the severity of the crime, a sentence of between 1 month and 5 years will be imposed. A second conviction could bring a jail term of 20 years. On the 3rd conviction, the perpetrator could face lethal injection.

That is how I will handle abuse within the United Sates of America.

No one shall be without adequate shelter in our country. More shelters shall be built and never again will people sleep on the streets of America .

Anyone wishing to further their education will be given a $1,000 grant per year to help them with their school expenses. Those students who can maintain an average of 70 or more will have all their educational expenses paid for by the United States of America.

Every family will be equipped with a computer so that each and everyone of us has access to the Internet. We are one part of a Global Community and the Internet will increase our understanding and help each of us to become a better part of that community.

In each American's lifetime,we,the Government, will send you on a 7 day trip to a 3rd world country so they can learn first hand what some of our neighbours must endure. Can we do all these things - Yes we can.

When thousands of our troops have returned - they will be reassigned so that they can distribute food where needed.

They will be visiting our elderly to help with the loneliness. Yes I know that this will disturb the TV evangelist who prey on them but it must be done.

They will become part of our Homeland Security Force protecting us here at home.

We must and will have a better relation with Canada, that great country to our north!

I intend to have a private Hot-Line with whomsoever is their King Eskimo at the time I take office.

No longer will we argue over soft-wood lumber. No longer will passports be required to go between these 2 great nations.

We will encourage each and everyone in both these countries to engage in a time-sharing program where accommodations for 2 weeks of each year will be exchanged with one another. This way we all can share in the beauty on both sides of the border.

We will take their excess snow and ice and in return, give them Idaho potatoes and Florida oranges.

We will help their universities by building permanent structures for them to teach in. Then Canadians will not have to see their university igloos melt during the hot summer months.

We will negotiate for oil by offering to build a bridge from Nova Scotia to Newfoundland so that all their provinces will be connected by land.

By interacting with the Canadians, we all we be better citizens of North America.

I will re-establish relations with Cuba so no longer will Americans need to fear smoking Cuban cigars in public nor have to buy them on the Black Market.

I will reduce the # of states to 48. I will have Alaska towed and attached to California. No longer will we be referred to as the Lower 48. And Hawaii will be towed and annexed to New Mexico. Americans will no longer feel isolated from one another.

Marijuana will be legalized but hard drugs will not be tolerated. Those convicted for such offences will be given one super injection which will last them the rest of their lives.

I will ensure that the Grand Canyon is filled in so that there is no longer a danger of anyone falling into it.

These, My Friends, are promises I make to you. Will I fulfill all of these promises - Yes I will. Can I do so - Yes I can !!!

What? You must be joking! Why didn't someone tell me this before I started my campaign.

That's a ridiculous rule - I can't be President because I wasn't born in the United States.

Well I never ..... and I guess I never will .. be your President. Sorry Guys ... it's your loss !!!